To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

Yes.

Does GDPR cover prostitution?

Not at all - why would you judge her if you're judging him? Selling your sexual services is not the same as buying someone's sexual services - these acts are in totally opposite sides of a transaction and are totally different. One is from financial need and one is paying to access someone's body or services for sexual gratification.

Of course you judge the John but not the woman he is going to

Previous Posters are weird but hey society really is weird these days. You absolutely should tell her that the man she’s seeing has seen you in a sexual manner too. If she finds out later especially if you didn’t tell her, your friendship with be donezo. Most women, apart from the oddballs above, would want to know if their partner has been intimate with their friend

Gosh op I think you're in a really tricky situation here. I hate to say it but it's probably lose lose for you no matter what you do.

On one hand I feel like it would be weird in any other situation to know your close friend is seeing someone you used to have sex with and not mention it. But the circumstances around this are a bit different because presumably he's paid you for a level of discretion as part of the service.

Personally I have no issue with women or men providing sex worker services but I do have issue with people who pay to use those services because I believe that payment essentially invalidates true consent. So I would struggle seeing someone who had used escorts or sex workers in that way in the past and tbh I agree with pps who say that often men don't fully stop these services as its not just about the service itself it's also the 'forbidden' aspect of it that can be really appealing and is a fantasy not fulfilled by a monogamous relationship. So I'd worry he would fall into that category.

If you tell her and he denies it was him - how does that affect your friendship? If she tells him and he becomes aggressive towards you for 'outing' him- how does that affect you? If you tell her and she believes you that could still create resentment in the relationship? If they continue dating and then you meet him and he recognises you - how does that affect you, especially if it comes out later and she finds out you never said?

I think overall I would tell her but only if you are sure she'll believe you and if you feel it's safe for you to do so. At the very least I'm thinking if he's been sexually 'adventurous' she may need to be thinking about her own sexual health (I know sex workers are often extremely diligent about their sexual health but some may not have easy access to healthcare if you weren't the only one he interacted with).

That'll be a fun wedding encounter ...

The difficulty is if the OP tells & the friend breaks up with the boyfriend then she will likely lose the friendship, after all this could happen again.

If the friend chooses to stay with the man she will likely also dump the OP as who wants that reminder.

If I were her, I would want to know if my boyfriend had previously shagged sex workers

Tell her.

She is not claiming the moral high ground, just trying to do right by her friend. what an odd thing to say!

I absolutely abhor sex work, people who pay for it and people who accept money for it. Men already treat women as objects to be used whenever they can, and women who actually accept money for sex perpetuate it. I’m completely against it and wouldn’t and a relationship, no matter how old, if I found out about prostitution use. But I also end friendships if I find out my friend is a prostitute.

So, I would tell her. If I had the information then I would tell her.

But you’re the prostitute. You accepted money for sex and domination and whatever else. And you seem quite proud of doing it because it got you money to buy a house and travel. So… you’re not against prostitution, and you can’t be against the men using the service as they paid for your house. So what is the problem with the man, in your eyes? Why do you need to tell?

I know the problem I have with this man. But you and I have very different moral views on this. So what’s the problem with him from your perspective @Frienddilem ?

@Frienddilem How have current partners taken your history?

@sargemarge if your best friend came to you with their new fella and it was a guy you used to be friends with benefits with or had a one night stand with, would you say nothing? You seem very caught up in the sex work aspect of this. And honestly if you can't tell the moral difference between a sex worker and a John then there's work you need to do on informing yourself.

@holdtheline11 I think there is nuance. Of course if coercion & poverty is a factor that’s different than someone just wanting to make money imo.

If it s always wrong to buy sex surely it’s also wrong to sell it?

Not that there have been many, only a couple. Once they’ve felt assured that’s firmly a past endeavour, they’ve been mostly intrigued and asked questions etc. It’s soon forgotten about and not really spoken about again.

Wow lots of weird responses on this thread. I thought in general mumsnetters didn't like men using escorts because it shows they think they can purchase a woman's body/ use it for their own ends. That isn't the same as choosing to be an escort. Why the judgement for the OP, she wasn't trying to buy another humans consent, the man was.

Irrespective of the morality of being/ using escorts, would your friend want to know and would she be upset if she later found out, and you hadn't told her? If the answer to those questions is 'yes', then I think you should tell her. The posters saying you shouldn't because you are judging him for something you did yourself....would they want to know? I certainly would. I think also if you don't tell her, you'd have to avoid meeting him forever as it would be incredibly awkward. Lastly my view might be affected by what you tell any partners / future partners. As if you keep it private, then I can see her / him contacting any new partners to tell them

I feel that morally you should not betray the trust of your former clients. I doubt if you'd have had any work as an escort if your clients knew there was no confidentiality.

@Frienddilem Im surprised tbh, I would have thought it tapped into insecurities.

Either way I think it’s a lose, lose situation.

She didn’t ask for personal opinions about sex work.

The comments are biased and bitchy because you were an escort 🙄 you wouldn’t be getting any of this if it was something else.

im honestly torn, I feel like I’d be inclined to tell her but I’m not sure how I’d go about it. If you hide it and it later comes out you’ll look the bad person. Very tricky! That said be prepared for you to be the bad guy regardless. Maybe approach him and ask if he’s let her know? Would that be possible?

Let's put prostitution aside and look at it as any other situation.
Your friend Katie just started dating Steve. She is very excited about it and send you a picture of Steve. You realise that you had sex with Steve three years ago. Are you going to hide it from Katie? If so, why?
Now imagine, you didn't tell Katie. They get serious. One day Katie invites you to her birthday party. You and Steve come face to face. What do you do? Pretend you never met him?
What if he then says to Katie - "oh, I used to date SargeMarge three years ago. What a coincidence!" Katie is now wondering why the hell you hid it from her. And indeed, SargeMarge, why have you?

This is just a normal life situation. Sex work is a red herring here. It is not normal in any human relationship to hide previous knowledge of your friend's boyfriend from the said friend.

I don’t understand why people are focusing on the OP having been an escort. That isn’t the dilemma at hand. Personally, I would want to know and from what you have said about your friend, it’s not something she would like about a partner.

@Frienddilem what if it was along the lines of hes a nice character and ive meet him before, and then if she wants to know more she can then ask

I think I would want to know but I probably would end the friendship & relationship, I’d be worried it would happen again!

That is just another sexual partner. Finding out he used prostitutes, and men who use prostitutes tend to keep doing so is a totally different thing. Knowing your boyfriend had previous partners is pretty much expected, that he used (may still use) prostitutes is totally different, and would be a deal breaker for many women.

She is though. She seems to think that morally she owes it to her friend but doesn't feel it's wrong to betray a former client.