To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

Client confidentiality isn't a thing in prostitute-client relationships. Both parties are free to tell anyone (as you see with the 'review' websites)

I understood OP to mean morally as in tell her friend she’d been intimate with friends new partner (as let’s be fair, this would be the normal thing to do) and explained it was in the situation of as a sex worker rather than in a relationship or fwb/ons but that as her friend looked unfavourably on the men who used sex workers it might ruin her relationship.

Maybe I’m misunderstanding.

OP as you struggled initially to identify him, I think I’d wait until you were introduced in person to 100% make sure it was him, and maybe take it from there. It might become obvious that he recognises you and it all comes out without you having to say anything. If I found out my new bf was a former client of my friend I’d be hurt she didn’t tell me, though.

Do you think she'd want to know about his sexual "preferences"? Like the fetishes - would she be into it or not at all? I think that's something to consider too!

He issue with it that she knows her friend's boyfriend and wonders if she should be informed of the fact that she knows him. I don't know how much clearer I can make it for you.

She needs to tell because it's a perfectly normal thing to do. Just as you know about your school friend.

It isn’t normal to tell your friend their partner paid for sex with you & even just sleeping together many people keep quiet. Again people are different!

I would want to know.

This is a tricky one. I would be more worried that he recognises you, they continue their relationship and at some point have a falling out or they split acrimoniously and he decides to tell her himself.

But the circumstances make it different, she could just say we had sex years ago, but that isn't the information her friend needs to decide on this relationship. It's the fact the boyfriend was using prostitutes and if he was then he may very well still be (although once would be enough to put me off) and that would be the deal breaker for many women.

Because the OP wants to tell her due to the sex work aspect of it. Which her friend didn’t really like.

And I think, from a sex worker, it’s pretty hypocritical. This guy helped pay for her house. But she’ll drop him in it coz she got what she wanted and is suddenly deciding that it’s morally wrong and her friend should be protected from a man like this. She had no issue with it when it was making her money, nevermind what it was doing to women and feminism and the way men see us etc.

I'm in a quandary, because I wouldn't have an issue with my friend being an escort (I infact had an old housemate who was), but I wouldn't like my new boyfriend to have used one (especially one I know).

It wouldn't be acceptable for someone to 'out' you as having been a prostitute if it wasn't information you chose to share yourself. So it should be the same for the client. If he did nothing wrong and neither did you then it feels like there's nothing to tell.

Otherwise it's saying me selling sex is fine but people buying it isn't. Which I sort of agree with to an extent but it's a double standard.

And neither is yours, so what was the point of you saying you wouldn’t care if they had sex as long as it wasn’t paid for? You quoted my post where I said most, not all.

You can’t assume just because you wouldn’t care OP’s friend also wouldn’t so she doesn’t need to tell her. As evident by this thread many women would want to know.

Are you likely to meet him

Yes it would be actually quite awkward/damaging if it comes out later on that you know him (if she'd somehow find out).

So, are you saying she shouldn't be informed? Or that she should.
Because if you say that she should then I am not sure why you are arguing with me when we agree.

I would tell her and i would want to know. Women deserve to know if the men they are with are the kind of men that pay for sex and aren't coming clean about it. That type of lying, secretive man causes a lot of trouble in relationships, especially if they have kinks they are not upfront about and are happy to get servcied elsewhere, and it will save her a whole lot of heartache later down the road - assuming he hasn't told her. If he has, no harm done and she will appreciate you looking out for her.

"I would care very much about it being a prostitute because of what is says about the character of the person. But the OP can’t possibly have the same worry, as she doesn’t see sex work the way a lot of us see sex work. So, what’s her issue with it?"

The OP knows that her friend would have an issue with it. The OPs views on sex work are irrelevant. She knows something about her friends boyfriend that would really upset her friend if her friend found out - it doesn't matter that it doesn't upset the OP

@OneQuirkyPanda do you understand it’s a forum where people give their opinions? I haven’t said I speak for everyone just pointed out that you don’t either. HTH

Some odd and rather misogynistic responses here from people who seem to think it’s reasonable to judge a sex worker as harshly as we’d judge a man who pays for sex.

There would be no hypocrisy if the OP chose to tell her friend that her boyfriend used to pay for sexual services. The OP has nothing to feel guilty about.

By telling her friend this, she (the OP) wouldnt be implying that sex work (or using sex workers) is ‘immoral’. She is simply aware that her friend thinks men who use sex workers are immoral (or at least sad bastards).

The OP has specifically said that it is about the sex work and that her friend wouldn’t like it and didn’t have a good opinion of the men paying for it.

So, it’s not simply because she used to know him. She wants to warn her friend that this man uses sex workers. As a sex worker, why does the OP have an issue with it? These men bought her house.

Pot kettle black. If there is something wrong with him and the OP feels the needs to warn her mate, then there is equally something wrong with the OP.

Thing is he might still be paying for those services on top of a relationship

it’s a tricky one

basically would she want to know?

he is allowed a private sexual past as are we all but as he had paid for dom services and there was nothing in place promising client confidentiality then he has to live with the fact that something like this might come up

if he paid for a service which promised discretion and privacy then you can’t

And despite people always saying they want to know there is a reason we have the phrase “don’t shoot the messenger”.

I'm really surprised by the responses here.

Is OP meant to pretend she doesn't know this guy? Make up a story? What if they are together long term and get married, is OP meant to lie to her friend for years? The only reason to lie would be if she thinks that her friend would care and therefore she's putting this man's confidentiality ahead of her friend's wellbeing.

OP the only debate I would be having is whether there is a way I could contact him to let him know who you are and give him the opportunity to tell her first. There is no chance I would be hiding this from my friend, but I would prefer if he was the one to bring it up not me simply because I think that is the fairest thing for him. That gives him the opportunity to give her the full story from his perspective, and also to manage the conversation and explain why he won't be doing this whilst he's with her and why it was a one-off (if either of those are true).

If he didn't tell her, I'd tell him.

The issue of course is that you presumably don't have a way to contact him, and this needs to be sorted before you get formally introduced to him. This is not something your friend should have to find out in a group, or in public.

You should tell her. I would want to know. I don't get the whole client betrayal stuff. Surely everyone who uses prostitutes knows it comes with a risk of exposure.

yes to telling her as you know she may reconsider the relationship as he used prostituted women

it’s early on in the relationship, better now than later

be prepared for her to drop you if she stays with him
it’s still worth it, much worse to never tell her and for her to be long term with him and you to not ‘meet’ him with her