To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

OP could brazen that out, she could say she’s had so many clients she can’t remember or that she tried not to register much about them etc

The further up society you go, the more corrupt people are.

I've often wondered what kind of fathers women who support the sex "industry" have - I suspect the kind that pay for sex. I once had a colleague who condescendingly told me that her father went to a bordel once a week and that it was "no different to playing a game of tennis"... groomed from childhood and morally bankrupt.

Ghislaine Maxwell doesn't think she did anything wrong either.
Neither does Fergie.
Even the Queen paid £10 million to Virginie Giuffre to make the story go away.

That's because these women are surrounded by men who routinely exploit young women - they end up believing it's normal but it's not.

This is actually legal in Iran funnily enough.

But current GB law says sex work is legal if you don't solicit in public, don't till a brothel and the worker is doing it out of their own free will.

Under GB law he's not a rapist. The work whatever is legal and it wasn't even sex, it was a domination session. She just beat him up a bit and he enjoyed it. Imagine having a private session like that revealed to someone else. A session that was private.

In your rush to judgement you’ve overlooked the fact that in this example, the soul mate wasn’t the one buying sex, his friend was. And it’s a moot point anyway because OP has already said she’s upfront about being honest with partners about her past.

He's still a pervert and if he doesn't get psychological therapy he will get worse as he pushes his boundaries out gradually over time.
Take a look at all the pot-bellied middle-aged men hideously dressing "as women".

They didn't start off like that.

It's a gradual progression to complete insanity.

Ditto for rapists - they start out as Peeping Toms and flashers and porn addicts and progress from there.
The problem is they get bored.
They always need more excitement so they gradually become more and more extreme.
It's a road to hell.

He paid a woman for his sexual pleasure.
That's creepy.

These men are not prepared to invest in a real relationship with a woman because they are too selfish and they think women are sex toys for their pleasure. You can't have an equal relationship with a man like that.

Why are you kink shaming? Would you consider him a pervert if he did it in the confines of a relationship/marriage?

@WhenRealityHits - just to flag that you seem to have casually made a series of really nasty judgments about me which are incorrect and i have reported your post.

I’ve reported this poster also. The posts are inflammatory, nasty and very damaging.

Hi OP, sorry for the negativity you’re getting. For what it’s worth, I think working as an escort is an honest job and is more straightforward than other manipulative situations.

I understand why you’d want to tell her and it would be so awkward if you meet them together.

having been with and now divorced from a man who used many prostitutes, lots of porn and had a sex addiction, I really wish I’d known how this kind of man thinks about women beforehand. It would also be humiliating for her if he tells her

This was before they met., it's not your business. His past is his past

If he was paying you for sex, and I was the girlfriend, I'd want to know. Past actions predict future. I don't want to date someone who pays for sex; I'd want to know if he were the type. What she does with the info is her business.

Imagine offering services where your supposed to be discreet then you decide not to because of something that happened years ago.

You was ok then taking the money. He may have been in a place where he needed your services. Now he doesnt.

Where is the line drawn? Vet every ex and ask who they slept with how much money they spent on drinks and food to get them into bed?

The fantasies on here get more and more hilarious.

If I found out a partner or potential partner had been using prostitutes I would dump him instantly. The past is not always the past.

Vet every ex and ask who they slept with.

Vet them for anything as non-negotiable as this. I wouldn't have anything to do with a man who thinks buying sex is acceptable. If he admits it and can see how wrong it was, then that might possibly be different. If he sees nothing wrong,, then he's out of my life.

And this idea that the OP owes the punters a duty of confidentiality is one of the daftest things I've seen on MN.

But would you be okay with him telling where you work now?

Shall we vet women about one night stands or date bed and dash? Its the same thing tens of thousands do it every year. Does it mean they will do it again? Maybe maybe not.

People do things in the past they regret or felt the need for. Was this man visiting because the person he was with at the time was a closed shop? Was the partner a nightmare to be with.

It may very well be embarrasing for him or could end a very good relationship because his new partner is insecure. Sexual pasts minus a few things are private and well the OP is just also showing escorts cant be trusted.

People today are too quick to judge others or lock themselves in a box. The past is the past its not a illegal past either. Thats where it stays.

Tell her! I'd bloody want to know. I say this with no malice towards you, but I think men that visit escorts are likely to be cheaters - and i would want to know so I could leave the guy.

Shall we vet women about one night stands or date bed and dash

I have no problem whatsoever with men or women having as much consensual casual sex as they want. If you can't see the difference between that and paying to rape, which is what prostitution is, that's your problem.

In your position I would tell her. If she has maintained a friendship with you despite knowing your former job, then she would want to know. However, I think she will likely dump you as a friend over time. Your job might have been ok while it didn’t impact on her; it’s unlikely she will feel the same about you now it does.

However, you don’t sound as though you really care about your friendship with her as you have said that if she chooses to end your friendship you’re ok with that. You therefore have nothing to lose by telling her.

Paying to what? Its 2 consensual people doing something. The male or female providing the service is doing it because they want to same as the person paying for it. Escorts book clients they dont hang on street corners!

They make the choice to make money that way.

Maturely handled by both of you and interesting to read a post that is a real ethical dilemma! You both are definitely more.sensible and measured than a lot of the responders to your post op!

But "sex work is work" is the usual mantra. Any employer willing to buy someone's productivity is willing to overlook the fact that they don't actually want to... IMO sex work is degrading and dehumanising to all involved.