To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

In all fairness, when a man pays a (usually much younger) woman for sex, he's a rapist.

No rapist deserves "client confidentiality".

They all deserve to be outed for what they are.

Hmmm. I think you may be splitting hairs slightly.

If you look back through the thread OP asked a perfectly reasonable question, in perfectly reasonable terms. Despite that, many posters decided that because OP had been a sex worker, that somehow entitled them to insult her, question her morals in other areas of life and accuse her of all manner of ridiculous things.

It was only at that point that the tone of OP’s posts changed, because she was defending herself against the vile morality police patrolling the thread. I’m done with this sickening, ignorant and judgemental thread so l won’t be back to see this comment deleted, as it very likely will be. I think your comment is the mean smug one and l think you, and posters like you clearly have a reading comprehension problem - either that or you’re allowing your disgusting judgemental attitude get in the way of reasoned debate. Much easier to make wild and unfounded assumptions and sling mud, rather than actually engage in critical thinking and rational discussion.

I’ve been on MN for years and l don’t think I’ve ever seen the nest of vipers so clearly out in force belittle and humiliate.

That depends very much on the situation the sex worker is in though doesn’t it ? If they’ve been trafficked or coerced any any way, or even entered into sex work because they’re desperate and can’t see any other option, then yes, consent is absent. But this doesn’t apply to OP because she made a conscious decision and has agency over it.

Why?

If its legal to sell the use of your body for men's sexual satisfaction, why is it not legal to be paid a large sum to save a person's life, using a spare organ you don't need?

Or to be paid for the blood and plasma that saves people's lives?

Surely, selling your blood or organs would far more deserving of financial remuneration than selling yourself in the pursuit of men's orgasms?

Your body, your choice, right? What's the difference?

Ok you may have a point about your body your choice but can't you see there's a difference between selling sex and selling blood and organs?

Btw men also sell sex for other men and women, is that different?

Totally agree. The pro punter lobbyists are out in force. I don't know which is worse - them or the "you go girl, sock it to the man" crowd.

That's the overwhelming majority.
There are exceptions to every rule but they don't change the rule.
Most women who engage in prostitution are trafficked or were sexually abused as children.

I'm not commenting on OP because I don't know her circumstances.

I have as much contempt for punters, male and female who buy sex from men.

Any man willing to buy a woman's body is willing to overlook the fact that she doesn't actually want to.

In fact, perhaps (he doesn't know) she's being forced to, or being trafficked. There's no real way to tell for sure whether a prostitute is taking a client of her own free will.

So a man willing to rent a woman's body is always willing to rape. He doesn't care if it's rape or not, in fact, because the woman is not a person to him at that point, the woman is a prop in his masturbatory fantasy that he has purchased the use of. He expects her to pretend to enjoy her job, whatever she might be doing for him (domination or otherwise), to allow for him to suspend his disbelief, and that's all he cares about.

What's the difference in selling blood?

I'll give you that organs are different because you have a limited number, but why shouldn't you be allowed to sell a spare kidney for 100k?

Well, men aren't an oppressed demographic that has literally been owned by the opposite sex for most of human history, and used as brood mares and sex objects for much of that time, so it's a little different. But it's still not great, no.

Same here.
Emma Thompson's film on using the euphemistically titled "escort" is not about equality for women unless "equality" means women with money feeling entitled to exploit/abuse younger men without money just like so many men do with young women.

Sadly, women often seem to think that social progress means 'behaving more like men' rather than 'expecting men to behave more decently'.

I'd blithely say... Oh! I know John. He used to be a client...

Far more embarrassing if he recognises you in front of her.

@WhenRealityHits - it’s not a false equivalence. Not in my view, in any case. OP was providing a sensitive service and charging for it. In charging for it, i think she assumed a duty of confidentiality.

I have known some women (all older women) who - through a positive choice - did work as sex workers, including a couple of dominatrices. Another worked with physically disabled men who had difficulty sexually and helped them gain confidence.

Sexual exploitation is appalling but not every woman selling these services is doing so because they’ve been forced into it. It sounds like the OP was happy with her choice to provide these services. It was always a risk that these men might surface in another facet of her life.

Yes, I would tell her. It’s up to her what she does with the information, but I think any woman has the right to make informed choices about her sexual health and her future. I would prioritise that right over the “privacy” of a misogynist who thought it was acceptable to rent a woman’s body for pleasure.

You didn’t think it was wrong either so it’s probably a bit late to start getting a conscience now.

How would you feel if you meet your soul mate and fall head over heels in love and his best friend is a former client of yours? Should he tell your souls mate? That's your answer!

I'm sorry you obviously had a traumatic childhood 😫 Have you had any therapy for it?

It's perfectly normal for people, men and women, to have kinks and fetishes. Obviously your strong reaction has come from something in your childhood.

In some cases maybe. But in this case clearly not. The OP has stated she wasn't forced to offer her services to these men, she actually seems quite proud of the fact that her escorting job enabled her to purchase her home and that she's actually quite financially stable and well off. He hasn't "raped" her. She offered him a service in exchange for a "four figure" amount of money. She even says in a comment that she wonders why she gave it up..that's not somebody coerced into agreeing to be "raped for money". I mean personally I don't see the point in paying for sex but each to their own.

Keep out of it. A lot of men use sex workers although never admit it 😂. She is happy and you said he was a nice chap.

A man who buys sex is no-one's "soulmate" ffs.

Yes this is true - a lot of men are secret rapists.
Women they abuse should out them all.
Their wives and girlfriends deserve much better.

Melinda Gates got out for the same reason.
Her ex-husband is a pervert.

While I'm not a fan of sex workers and their punters are they really rapists, aren't the prostitutes consenting albeit for money?

The word pervert suggests something is unnatural. It’s hard to believe that anything which has been taking place for who knows how many thousands of years is contrary to nature. You may think it’s deplorable, but it is not unnatural. At least one Chinese and one Byzantine empress were previously prostitutes, and made excellent rulers.