To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

My experience has been similar as a disability outreach worker and I would agree that in the main the majority of women who turn to sex work have diverse and non conventional backgrounds. I also wouldn’t disagree that dissociation is a problem and OP has said in updates that she has only had a few relationships since. I wouldn’t like to comment as to whether the nature of her work has influenced that because it’s stereotyping. But I do think that having agency and choice as a sex worker is the difference here.

So the fact that this is well in the past and people are capable of change means nothing ? Are you the same person you were a few years ago ? I’m not.

I think you should find a way to tell but seems awfully wrong coming from you , I admit .
But if I was seeing someone who used prostitutes I would want to know .

@Frienddilem

Your former line of work relied on trust and discretion.

Personally, I think you should retain this confidence.

Surely, when you meet, you would both just act as if you were strangers meeting for the first time.

I think I’m entitled to my own opinion on an open forum. If you don’t like it, you are free to move on

Oh christ sorry I didn't mean to depress you. It's not all bad, I'm hoping to leave to leave prostitution soon due to my age and I have money aside to do this

Best wishes.

@Frienddilem did you consider the confidentiality to the client? I guess when people use an escort they are paying for discretion as well as for sex or whatever?

So, having trawled through a load of posts, it appears you missed a key sentence in your original post i.e. you answered one he liked to be dominant i.e. you were a Dominatrix. This is your concern. If you had added that, I would imagine your answers originally would have been a lot different. If this is not your concern and, given your friend already knows your past, why would you want to inject yourself into their relationship. No good can come from it. Leave them be to work out their own sexual preferences unless you particularly think she is in any danger.

Thank you, that's very interesting. I would agree with that...

Webster also pointed out that a lot of men seemed to fear having to care for her (though she had a carer & didn't want this to happen). Whereas women are socialised to take more of a caring role anyway.

It's arguably safer than hookups or picking up randos from bars

• Men are mostly the ones buying sex, and they're in less danger from hookups.

Most men who buy sex are not addicts. It's really not comparable to drug dealing.

Moreover, drug dealers do not risk their physical & emotional harm the way sex workers do.

I’m really surprised by the vote split. I think you have to tell her. I would be livid if I was in her situation and wasn’t told.

Sexual satisfaction is a need but it can be fulfilled with masturbation etc. It is dangerous to say sex is a need that people can't get along without.

I see what you mean. I guess I just wonder whether selling sex can ever be 'turning the tables". It's still participating in a system where women are valued based on looks and sexuality. Wouldn't truly turning the tables be to succeed without relying on sexually appealing to men?

Why would so many be jealous? Do you think a lot of women secretly want to sell sex?

Just zero logic in this comment.

What has "feeling shame" or "judging his actions" got to do with whether she is entitled to tell her friend or not?

If she'd had a non-professional sexual relationship with him in the past, would you want to forbid her from telling her friend about it? Because the only justification for sharing that info would be that she was "judging his actions"?

If she'd been a waitress at a café where he was a regular, would you want to forbid her from telling her friend about it? Because the only justification for sharing that info would be that she was "judging his actions"?

No. It would just be a natural thing to mention.

Seems like you fear the "shame" of this happening to you one day. But you are in no way entitled to confidentiality about paying for sex. You can (and probably will) be discussed. Maybe don't do the actions if you don't want to be judged for them.

Yes - she knows what a normal session was like then. Not sure what detail is ok to post but it was essentially as you say + it was when pegging was becoming more popular so that was easily the most common request, with the bonus I could charge extra.

No - it's not sad to call a pervert a pervert.
It's sad that he has this perversion.
It's not healthy.
He needs therapy from a psychiatrist to find out what is driving his behaviour.
Possibly childhood trauma.
However, he needs to address it not indulge more.
Once men go down this route, they keep pushing their boundaries out further and further until innocent people are affected.

You do realise plenty of women have ‘kinks’ too, right? Many of whom will frequent this forum. It’s perfectly normal.

She's already "involved" with her friend's pervy boyfriend.
Her friend will be thankful that she told her.
Keeping that a secret is a complete betrayal of friendship.
Anyone suggesting that is not a friend - they're just acquaintances.

I suspect many of the people who suggest secrecy have secrets of their own and would be horrified if their nearest and dearest found out.

It's only "normal" if you have been groomed - often from childhood.

@Frienddilem his past is none of her or your business.

Blackmail?! 😱I don't think that's what OP had in mind and you didn't think things through either did you because by telling her friend (if she didn't already know!) that her man was a former 'client' of hers she's already spilling the beans that she worked as an escort which makes your comment about her chap 'revealing it' totally irrelevant don't you think?! 🙄

Well I’d want to know. It would totally put me off someone.