To be upset that colleagues think I'm cosplaying?

[Dalmatianshoes]

I've worked in a gastropub 3 shifts a week for about 18 months now since my youngest DC of 3 turned 15.

Dh has long commutes or overnights with work and I have caring responsibilities for elderly parents and 3 springer spaniels so I only really get a 5 ish hour window in the day to work which is why evenings and weekends in hospitality work best for me.

I was happily SAHM for the 3 DC for 17 years am now 49.

As the 2 oldest are at university now and the youngest happy to be alone some evenings I made the decision to take a job for a little bit of structure in my life.

I worked in hospitality as a teen and then in Banking prior to DC.

Finances weren't a driving force for getting a job. Just life enhancement really.

I absolutely love the job and being around my colleagues; a lot of them at teenagers and I enjoy the company and the working environment.

On valentines evening I headed out to the recycling store and overhead colleagues (I thought friends 😭) talking about me being a rich bitch and taking the job from someone poorer and I'm just playing at my job.

AIBU to be hurt by these comments?

How do your colleagues know about your personal financial situation and your personal reasons for doing the job?

I’ve heard it all now.

We are now suggesting that having a job is a privilege unless we are on the bones of our arse? If that’s the case I should also not be working as I have savings about 16k and a partner with a decent paying job.

If everyone who had a decent amount of assets/savings and were over the age of 40 decided to step away from their jobs to make way for the young folk, the country would grind to a halt within weeks.

I think that was a horrible thing for them to say and you to overhear - which was obviously not intended. It doesn't mean they dislike you, they were just having a bitch as colleagues often unfortunately do.

However I will say that, no matter how well you get on with colleagues, it's best not to let them know too much. For example, not a good idea for them to know that you don't really have to work, are not doing it for the money. It's nobody else's business anyway but people who say they don't really need a job, are financially OK etc, do get up the noses of fellow workers. That is a fact I'm afraid, I've heard people bitching about that sort of thing..

It's a bit late now for your current colleagues but, who knows, they may well leave. You say many are young so it's likely. With the next batch, start as you mean to go on.

Nevertheless you wouldn't have got the job had you not been considered suitable and you did have some past experience. People are appointed on their own merit, their home and financial situation don't enter into it. Therefore hold your head up, you're doing nothing wrong. Jobs in catering and hospitality are frequently advertised, there is a big turnover of staff and not that many applicants who are prepared to stay and work that hard. I say, good for you.

OP they are teenagers. They don’t have a clue. They have no idea what your life is like and what you’ve given, and still give up, to care for kids and parents and to facilitate your husband’s work.
I’d be a bit hurt too but put it out of your mind. They will understand one day, but will have long forgotten the flippant comment they made.

Haha… wait til you hit your 50s - when you run out of fucks to give and you realise that people don’t get to bitch about you behind your back and you work because you want to, not that it’s any of their business

Im not sure what the problem is with pulling pints. I worked in bars when I was younger and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Not sure it would suit me know though, Ive slowed down somewhat over the years 😅

You've already had lots of good, kind advice on this thread OP and I don't have much to add beyond YANBU.

I am, however, wondering out of sheer nosiness to know what car you drive! If you're parking a massive Porsche Cayenne by the bins then you have probably piqued their curiosity a little.

You don’t have to justify yourself.

If you were a lady who lunches using her husband’s money to shop all day then they’d still moan.

I was just about to say the same thing. Indeed, there are often posts on Mumsnet putting people down for not working.

I'm sorry you heard that and found it upsetting.

If there is a high turnover of people, that suggests most people don't really like the job and are only doing it because they have to until they find something better. So I guess it would sting a bit knowing someone is doing it for fun essentially. If others are struggling to make ends meet and you are talking about holiday, eating out, expensive activities etc (just guessing here, but you must have said something about your financial situation)

Obviously you don't owe them anything, but i think I would try and talk to the one you feel closest to (you say you are friends) and say what you heard. Not in an angry confrontational way. Just in a quiet moment catching up. Say what you heard. How hurtful you found it. Try and empathise a little maybe with their situation. But also explain how important the job is to you. I think that way you might get them to see thibgs differently and think before they speak or make stupid assumptions about people.

On the surface I'm a 40 year old highly-educated professional with a very well paying job (especially in my area). In reality, I'm drowning in debt and looking for a second job - I did have one but had to give it up due to conflict with management. And weirdly despite being autistic I actually enjoyed the social side of working in a pub...

I wouldn’t report anything but just do what you want to.

Yes, no one knows another person's situation. Even if you/your partner are rich, no one knows what's round the corner. The high earner could lose their job/become seriously ill tomorrow, and having any job makes it easier to find another (as some people unfairly think someone who has been a SAHP for a decade isn't a good candidate for a job).
I know some relatively high earners who spend most of their money on private healthcare for their son, because the NHS won't provide the type of hearing aids that work for him. For all coworkers know, this could apply to any one of us-and if it doesn't, it's quite possible our kids could become ill and be left with a disability, or there could be any reason we need money.
The economic satiation is terrible and there are too few jobs, and I'm sorry for all the people desperately trying to find one. But it's not your fault OP, and talking behind your back's nasty.

Reminds me of first teaching job. The Deputy Head had a ten year old BMW convertible, quite a snazzy little run-about. The secretary had the same car, but the latest version straight out of the showroom- an expensive motor. I always thought it looked a bit incongruous to see them parked alongside.

Sorry OP, I voted YABU but I meant you are being unreasonable for being upset. Ignore your co workers. May the best person (always) get the job.

Yeah that's what I thought, cosplaying at what??

Also, in hospitality you're not stealing anyone's job.

Wow how judgemental are you?!
Op can do whatever job she wants to whether thats earning or volunteering or both. How dare you tell some what they should and shouldn't be doing. Maybe they are comfortable but the extra op earns means more independence we dont know.
And you know what there are loads of jobs if people want them so they can apply.

Ignore them. Sounds like kids just spouting out bollox that they've heard elsewhere (that said I would have had a word had I heard somebody talking like that.)

There will be a lot of people in the same situation - male and female - who don't need to work, but their salary makes the difference between a having a week in Bognor or a week in Florida on holiday, or buying nicer food etc. I am probably in that category myself.

We don't have to live on the breadline to justify our working choices.

Crack on, OP - as long as you aren't coming across as being above anyone else, I can't see the issue.

I worked with someone in a professional role who made it clear she only did the job to pay for holidays and kitchen renovations. And she went ON about it too. As someone who took the job seriously, wanted to climb the ladder and had rent to pay it really pissed me off!

Every Time she said something insensitive, I said « actually I do this job because I need it to pay my bills and my rent » looking directly at her with a dead pan face. EVENTUALLY the silly cow got the message. talk about reading the room!

I have to say it doesn’t sound like you’re doing that OP. But maybe there are bits that sneak out that give that impression. For example holiday locations, weekend plans etc. Not saying you should change your approach, mind.

They're young and daft. A good reminder that they're not your friends.

If you came in every week with your wealthy female friends for lunch, they'd call you a rich bitch who sponges off her husband.

Women, especially as we get older, get judged for everything.

Maybe stop saying you didn’t take the job for the money. Like you have in your post. That’s going to get people’s backs up!

I really don’t see how they would have any idea of your finances. Your holidays could be paid for by credit cards and your car on finance for all they know.

If they're working to live and you're working for fun, whilst what they said was really unkind and would definitely have hurt me to what if said about me, I do get why they would feel/ think it. But having a thought does not mean it being ok to express that thought!

Sounds very ageist and misogynistic of them? Since when the fuck are women only allowed to work if they are judged to be in financial need? OP’s already said the bar struggles to keep staff long term.

I was just in a naice club bar (similar to golf club type vibes) the other day and all the bar staff were ‘older’ women (ie still young vibrant energetic women with two decades to retirement age) and I was thinking what a great gig it was because, while I’m sure the clientele get poleaxed every so often, it was in general very cosy and friendly, and the bar staff were certainly smiling and laughing with customers as they worked. I am a highly qualified professional and worked in a bar on and off from my teens to my thirties and absolutely loved it! Waitressing even better (you get fed and tips) and will highly recommend my nice middle class kids do it!