To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

35 won't be enough. I had 35, but it turned out that I needed 40 because of the rule change around 2015 or 2016. It's to do with being contracted out, which he will be if he's paid into a teaching pension.

Leave. He won't want the children for any period of time, and will have to pay maintenance even if he does retire. If he tries to get any kind of custody you can point out his previous addictions. I would also make a record of his disgusting treatment of your daughter tonight - you can never leave him alone with her.

Take him for everything he fucking has. You'll make it work. What a piece of shit. Get angry, and protect your children.

State Pension info.

https://www.gov.uk/contracted-out/how-contracting-out-affects-your-amount

It's true though. This was completely foreseeable. No bloke wants babies at pushing 60. Always the same old story of a much younger woman wanting kids and a spineless old man agreeing so he doesn't lose her-and it's the kids who suffer. The OP chose a man 27 years (!) older than her and now is complaining that young kids stress him out! Who ever could've predicted it.

I’m presuming he was part of the process 🙄

Absolutely. And genetically speaking he was far too old to father children as men’s sperm quality starts degrading at 35 and rapidly declines starting at 40, getting exponentially worse every year and leading to a variety of issues in fetuses. I wouldn’t be surprised if he knows that his age could be a factor in his children’s issues and is angry/unpleasant to them out of guilt. Especially if he thought going after a much younger woman would alleviate this (spoiler alert: it doesn’t!).

I know it seems impossible OP but for your children’s sake you need to get away from him. He is absolutely toxic to you and your poor daughter, and your son too. If he won’t have them at all that will help in terms of maintenance. You make £30k, which isn’t a lot but isn’t nothing. You’ll get help with housing or maybe be able to stay in the home with your children. You have options. It will work. Start researching and reaching out to places that can help and see what your options are. You will all be so, so much happier without this crotchety abusive POS in your lives. 💐

He's not very clever, is he? Surely he doesn't think he can just walk away and take all his money with him. He's a fool.if he does.

Was just about to say the same.

it must be so difficult for both of them, caring for the kids comes first but it sounds like there is nothing left for the two of them to have any relaxing time to just enjoy being a couple.

unless he behaves like this all the time or has a history of being abusive, I think its definitely worth talking to each other.

OP is there anyone when back home that can maybe watch the kids for a few hrs a week so you can have time together & try and rebuild your relationship.

@Shedding123 I know your head is spinning right now. But you can't solve all these problems now, so try to calm yourself until you have had a chance to talk to a solicitor.

The chances are you won't have to worry about maintaining 2 homes. It's very likely that you and the children will retain the family home and he will have to move out into a flat or something.

He can retire. (At his age that's not unreasonable tbh). But he will still have his state pension and some occupational pension and will have to pay you some CM out of those.

Realistically, he is going to retire soon anyway. And in another 5 years or so he is going to expect you to look after him as well as your 2 children - you're better off separating as soon as possible.

Good luck, I hope you can find your way forward.

Thank you all so so much. Wish I could reply
individually as every response makes me feel a bit stronger. To answer a few questions (sorry for those I miss) I think he’ll accuse me of overreacting asking for a divorce, he’s prone to calling me hysterical even over the serious medical issues. I don’t know why. He absolutely feels pushed to the side but I understand from support groups for my child’s disability that this is quite common sadly. I think the sticking point will be housing, we live in a stupidly expensive area and house is the cheapest bracket here and I’d be so loathe to leave the area as our son is settled in school determined by catchment, and our daughter attends a specialist school also catchment dependent. Even if I was allowed to stay in the house he wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage now to afford a flat in the area. And I think him being in the area is a key part of how they work out what is reasonable in a divorce with kids? I’ve fallen down a Google hole, inevitably.
I am mainly sad as the Good days (admittedly fewer now) are good, the kids are happiest on them, and for this to happen in our family holiday special place we have come to each year just is so so so sad.

Well he could have said no…

He doesn't need to get a mortgage, he can rent

You haven’t mentioned your daughter getting DLA, she will be entitled to it. Suspect various other benefits too.
You can do this love, it’s inevitable now and it will be financially and emotionally manageable.
you’ll fly above all his bullshit and show your kids what self respect and healthy boundaries look like. Don’t soldier on through the holiday, it’s unacceptable what he has done, don’t teach your kids to ignore this crap.

I know how difficult it must be to even contemplate leaving with having two children with extra needs. im in a similar situation and its just me but I cant work becasueof my mental health

If he was an addict for 30 years - I suspect substance abuse has left its mark physiologically on his neurological/mental/physical health.

Maybe he is in cognitive decline? I would be worried that you will be his carer very soon. Is that what you want - can you cope with that or do you need to prioritise your DC development and opportunities for independence in adulthood?

How long was he planning to continue working for?

You and your DCs are still very young. If he isn’t supporting you emotionally or practically - but instead undermining you and causing distress and disruption then let him go.

@ThiagoJones yes and he definitely should've done! Not a good idea for anyone. I don't think he'd be recommending it to any other men in their 50s now...

Does he have a sponser? Would he go back to meetings?

I think at this point he is a dry drunk without a program; mean and angry at the world. Of course he has turned it on you which is very unpleasant.

No matter what happens try not to take it personally. This is all on him but there is an answer if he’s willing and that is to get back to meetings.

I don’t need an answer. Just something for you to mull over. A slight chance really that he could get back on track if he was willing. With or without you in the end.

You can move out of the catchment area once your kids are at a school, they won’t lose their place.

Yes she’s on highest rate care DLA. I think that
is the right word, it’s inevitable after tonight. I can’t risk that happening again in frony
of them 😢

Before you mention divorce I would put all of what’s happened tonight into an email to him. Outline the impact it’s had on the kids and ask him if you’ve missed anything, if he will seek help eg family therapy or parenting classes to deal better with situations like this. Having this in writing (and an an angry response) will be very helpful if you get into a child arrangements family court battle. Or he might reflect on himself and seek help (even better if so)

This will make literally zero difference to the family court

You’re 41, you’re still young enough to start agin OP. And if he chooses to retire early, you can still make a claim on his pension. Pensions are matrimonial assets - him retiring early does not lock it away from you. And the fact you have children strengthens your position massively.

BUT!

There is a huge immediate risk - the 25% tax-free lump sum. If he retires tomorrow, he can legally withdraw that large chunk of cash instantly. If he takes that money and spends or hides it before your financial settlement is secured, it is extremely difficult to get that value back. You need to tell a solicitor immediately that you fear he is about to liquidate assets; they can sometimes apply for an injunction to stop him from draining the pot before the divorce is finalised. At 68, he is well past minimum retirement age. So depending on his pension fund provider, he could withdraw and have that money within a matter of days. So if you are planning to divorce him, then you will need to act fast.

That’s kind, I don’t feel young at all. My daughter will never live independently and will need care from me forever. My son-
less so I think but won’t have it easy in life. I think given then choice he’d have already retired but hasn’t been able
To with the kids. On the good days I feel we respect each other and support one another, but his mood can change like the wind and that’s happening more and more. But tonight felt different, shouting at me in front of them, shouting at our daughter who was telling him that’s not ok, our son begging me
to be quiet so would all stop. I can’t come back from that I don’t think.

How long have you been together?

15 years