To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

What I can tell you about child maintenence from a pensioner, even a millionaire pensioner, is that they are classed as being on benefits and so the rate is set at £3.50 per child per week which is utterly shit. So Child maintenence would be a pittance unless additional money is given voluntarily.
But
On the bright side,
All marital assets, pensions and debts are put in the pot for sharing out.
The residential parent typically gets 65% vs 35% of assets to the non residential parent NRP. He's not a man who will want 50:50 care
Assets split is calculated with the children's welfare foremost, housing each party adequately - he only needs 1 bedroom if he can't do overnight care.
Presumably your children's additional needs would make the household eligible for extra benefits alongside UC.
Set yourself free, OP
What a monstrous arsehole he turned out to be.

Anyone shouting at my 9 year old daughter and calling her ‘manipulative’ would be out, no question.

Go and get some legal advice and look up what benefits you could be entitled to if you split up. It’s probably better to do it sooner rather than later at his age to be honest as you don’t want to end up trapped caring for him too out of guilt. I think you need to do all of this just now so that you know that you can split up from him. Also it might do him some good to see you’re serious, and for him to consider that actually he could be much worse off without you. You and your children deserve to feel safe and happy, don’t be dragged down to his level of misery.

I'm so sorry. You both need support-people don't realise how hard it can be to have kids with medical issues. What he did was awful, but I would take your time, get your ducks in a row, and think about how whether he has always been this bad-is there any way he could get better with support? Could he be ill himself? You say he is 68-uncaring behaviour like this can happed with certain neurological conditions.

I’ve not read the full thread but my daughter is on oxygen, we have prescription for our house and in the nursery. Our respiratory Dr arranged it and vivisol go and change the tanks when they’re getting low.

I understand the not wanting to let her sleep alone, I’m the same with my girl and we use a monitor etc.

Sorry to sound daft but I’m so scared and want to get this right - he did say something before very similar to your first line and said I won’t get a penny from him. Not that I want his money for spa weekends, simply to help with the kids. But I digress. We have 0 assets apart from the house which is mortgage free after I paid it off with a one off inheritance 2 years ago. I have a 20k loan for medical needs (no idea if it’s relevant, he didn’t agree with private treatment so I took it out in my name and pay it back monthly from my earnings over 5
years). So how would the asset split work in practice? This part scares me.

this might be an unpopular opinion.

my thoughts on this - it is not (yet) a situation that means you must end your marriage. It might very well be one where you decide to, and I totally get that. He’s behaved awfully. But I think I’d say the reaction he has to it could make a difference. And your feelings about it too. Ending the marriage may well be the right decision but it’s definitely a decision - others in this scenario would decide differently and that would make sense for them.

I’d be interested to know if he’s reflected on it in the coming days and what he thinks. Might still be too little too late. But I don’t think it’s a no going back moment. It’s definitely one that needs discussed and resolved either way.

I think that’s what’s broken me tonight. Him yelling at her calling her manipulative and disrespectful “like your bloody mother”

I have wondered of late if maybe there is something going on for him cognitively-
its so tiny but he accused me
oddly of smoking (I’ve never smoked) as he keeps finding cigarette ends outside our gate. I said I’ve no idea I presume It’s a dog walker or a teenager but he got fixated on why there was one every day. That felt a bit odd. Other than that he remains clever, works hard and loves work and socialises 1-2 a week with friends so no massive alarm bells

I used to work in a school on this area and thats absolutely right - your places are secure

Yes, and she’s 9 years old. Just a little girl.
Our youngest is disabled, I know how hard it is. But his behaviour is completely unacceptable. Your daughter has enough difficulties without having her own father speak to her like that. And you deserve better too.

Socializing 1-2 times a week with friends while having 2 kids, one with serious medical needs and the other w/ mental health needs . . . he sounds self-centered af.

My kids were not high needs and I was lucky getting out with friends 1x a month, if that!

Exactly this. She sat bravely saying it’s not ok to swear daddy stop being so angry and he kept going despite me saying please talk to me separately not with the kids here. He just said no it’s good they hear all this as you just manipulate everything. She then started shaking next to me. I can’t have her grow up thinking that’s what marriage should be 😥

So you got together when he was 53, and you were 26?? It sounds as though you must have been very vulnerable.

He's clearly always been a feckless loser, and god knows how he managed to snag you - you seem to be a far better person than he is!

I don't have any practical advice, but I'd encourage you to leave him if you feel it's possible - you're only 41! You might be a carer for your daughter, but you still have plenty of good years left - don't waste them on him, only for him to die when you're 51+ and don't have the same energy to enjoy your life.
I hope that you find a way free that doesn't make life harder for you ❤

The 0% might be a ‘stunt’ bottle. Interesting that he’s also separated himself off in another room. My relapser waited for me to go to bed then downed two bottles of red from the stash he had in the boot of his car. I had no clue as never saw him drunk - just lived with a miserable, simmering, angry man who was passive aggressive to me and the DCs. I thought he was just a ‘dry drunk’

Thing is you don’t need to find out why he is being a Cnut to you and your DCs you just need to know that this impact requires you to take action.

Start doing all of your research on the quiet. Get some RL emotional and practical support. Just research one thing a week and once you have a way forward, get your paperwork together and when the timing works for you and your DCs push the start button..

well doen for looking after your medical needs. my DH didnt like spending money even on important thigns and it was partly a factor in me going into psychosis

Please be kind to yourself. You are a very strong lady, you are thinking of your kids & putting them first in what is difficult circumstances.

has the mood swings been a recent thing? How is he health wise? The blow up could be as a result of something like dementia.

i did suggest trying to rebuild your relationship but now I have seen uour further posts you need to do whatever is best for you & the kids.

unfortunately there is no easy answer here, I wish you the best, can social services provide you with additional care help, your husband is clearly not going to help & you will benefit from some support

Yes…..he is quite self centred by nature, though he’d deny it till the cows came home. He says he finds being in the house boring so he likes to get out, he finds the medical side of things boring, I do spend 3 hours from meds- settling DD to sleep, but he chooses not to help, chooses not to come home for dinner first.

I can assure you that it is £3.50 per child per week from a pensioner. I could not believe my eyes when my newly 66 y o exH sent a screenshot of his new CMS calculator payment for our 15 y o
A friend and I went round and round the .gov websites and Google in disbelief, but it is so.
BUT
He has to share his pension, as do you, he has to take part of the medical debt, he has to share the house equity.
You will be eligible for UC as a lone parent and carer.
He's bound to retire in a few short years. Do you want more of that anger and more caring duties in your life?

Thank you so much. He’s very physically healthy (honestly looks younger than me but i have 10000000 stress lines from hospital scares with my dd) mood swings definitely worse the last year, definitely. He would absolutely disagree.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds horrific.

If it were me, before even mentioning divorce to him, I would gather all the information you can (including from solicitors etc) but even with searching online you'll get a good idea. Make a detailed plan of how you will live if you get divorced. Including calculating your likely monthly income vs expenses, searching on rightmove to see if there any properties (rent or purchase) of the right size in the right area that you could afford, how many days/hours per week you would work, what you will do for childcare/pickups/replace do all of the day-to-day tasks and chores you'll need to do in this new life, in detail.

I did this when at a crossroads in my relationship, and can't stress enough what a huge relief it is when you have your "new life" theoretical plan in place. That then will hopefully eliminate a big fear component about leaving (could you afford it, how would it work practically, etc), which will hopefully then allow you to make a much freer choice about whether you want a divorce or not.

If you don't make the plan before making the decision, it's trying to make too many decisions all at once, so of course will make the decision about whether to divorce or not that much harder.

And there's something unbelievably empowering and freeing about having a plan and knowing that, and how, you will support yourself and the kids in the event of divorce, no matter what happens in your marriage

I'm sorry to text you are going through all this.

Most people will be telling you to leave him, but I think that marriage counselling should come first.

He is 68 and angry. Does his anger come from his advancing age and worries about his health? Could he be in the first stages of dementia?

Find out what is causing the anger and hopefully be able to tackle it.

Sending hugs to you, you are dealing with a very hard situation.

Propose 50/50 custody of kids until he agrees a decent settlement. Play whatever games you need to, if it ensures you’re better set up with the kids longer term.

You will 100% feel relief when you leave him. You will thank yourself in the years to come.
You will manage finances even if a struggle, benefits will be enough to get by on top of PT wages. You’ll be happier because you won’t have him making everyone miserable.

'to hear' not 'To text ' that was my stupid phone.

To be honest it’s probably the 9 year old who should be prioritised for counselling, having a father who yells at her calling her manipulative.
And no reputable counsellor would advise couples counselling with someone abusive.