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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my marriage tomorrow

733 replies

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:27

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 17/02/2026 22:28

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 22:24

After tonight, sadly yes I do. I don’t want them to hear him speak to me like that again. They were both scared. I admit I didn’t handle it well going in and asking him if he was planning to come and help stop ww3, but it was like I’d poured a vat
of petrol on a fire we

Show quote history

But the thing is, you should be able to ask him for help. My husband and I get irate at each other, and we don't always speak to each other in the best way. But if I ask for help, he helps. If he asks me for help, I help. And neither of us would ever swear at our kids.

Don't let his voice in your head twist this into being partly your fault for not asking nicely enough!

ApolloandDaphne · 17/02/2026 22:29

Are you certain he hasn't relapsed into whatever he was addicted to? I assume alcohol but possibly drugs?

CotswoldsCamilla · 17/02/2026 22:30

You got together with a man in his 50s when you were in your 20s?!
Sack him off or you’ll end up caring for 3:people, not just two. He sounds awful.
If you’re UK based, there’s a generous social welfare system in place to help people in your situation, so don’t let finances keep you trapped with this OAP.

Chestnutmarenutjob · 17/02/2026 22:30

Firefly1987 · 17/02/2026 22:27

He was far too old to have kids in the first place. My dad was 50 when I was born and pretty fit all through his 50s and 60s and it was still too old. Them poor kids with a disinterested father who is also probably going to die before they reach their 20s. How selfish.

Very helpful. 🙄

DBSFstupid · 17/02/2026 22:30

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:38

Daughter is 9. Son is 13. I knew he was angry in general but this just rocked me to the core, he just wouldn’t stop in front of them. Awful things like “you disrespect me like your mother does” to our daughter who was sitting shaking😥

So he was a father for the second time at 58?

Franjipanl8r · 17/02/2026 22:31

He probably hates you and your DD because in his head, he thought having a picture perfect young family would make good the years he wasted as an addict. In reality, it’s just more of a hard grind.

It’s easier to hate you and DD than for him to take responsibility for how his own life panned out.

Original poster
Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 22:31

AlohaRose · 17/02/2026 22:27

OP, do you have any idea what he was doing/claiming in all these years (decades?) when he was addicted and not working? if he was claiming unemployment benefit that would count towards his state pension at least but he sounds like he wasn't capable of (and therefore not looking for?) work.

I have no idea, I think his family looked after him in all ways but I’m not sure. He described those years as a black out

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 22:33

ApolloandDaphne · 17/02/2026 22:29

Are you certain he hasn't relapsed into whatever he was addicted to? I assume alcohol but possibly drugs?

I have wondered this, he has relapsed once before and I missed all the signs. I don’t think so, the only ? in my head has been his moods and he’s started drinking 0% alcohol wine again and I know that a definite no-no in AA. But he’s not showing any other signs

OP posts:
Mimicking · 17/02/2026 22:34

It might not be ideal, but I'm sure you would qualify for benefits support. Look up Gingerbread. It's a charity for single parents. They have some good info pages, and further support if you want it.

This might be way off the mark, but you've mentioned a few decades of addiction and his age. Do you think he may blame himself for your daughter's disabilities? I wonder if this is why you pick up on an intolerance to her from him.

FWIW, I think once you get your head around the finances you'll feel better off without him in the long run. I agree with others. At his age and moods will only get worse with time. You're young enough to create a life for you and the children that doesn't depend on him having the odd 'good mood' day.

Original poster
Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 22:34

Sorry I’m not replying to everyone I’m hopping between feeling so much comfort from these messages and comforting my daughter

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 22:35

This is true. I feel like I keep hoping for a good Mood day as they are so lovely but increasingly few and far between

OP posts:
LoftyAmberLion · 17/02/2026 22:36

VioletBees · 17/02/2026 21:37

OP it sounds like the situation with your kids ill health has pushed tensions high. Its not easy being parents, let alone to children with MH problems and a disability. Before you chuck the towel in, think about whether you could actually resolve this with some marriage counselling. Is it possible managing your children's health will get easier as they get older?

If he leaves - you'll have to pay for 2 households between you AND you'll be lumped with lion share of all caring. Is that really what you want?? Is he always so fucking useless or is he just having a bad moment tonight.

Youre about to get 700 posters telling you to leave the bastard - but they are not facing the actual reality of doing that - so take it with a level head.

Yes she needs to leave ASAP to protect her children from an abusive father.

Scout2016 · 17/02/2026 22:36

Might you be able to claim some benefits if on your own? Might your daughter qualify for anything?

OneNewEagle · 17/02/2026 22:38

Don’t worry about what he did or didn’t do as jobs and when, bizarre questions to even ask the OP everyone she didn’t know him then.

focus on yourself and the children for now. Get through the rest of the holiday and once home start getting things organised.

You say you are mortgage free so that’s a good start. And between you 88k, as that’s a high amount if there’s no mortgage how are you tight?

In my area a 3bed is similar value and a 1bed retirement flat about £160- £180.
If he can’t look after the kids overnight that’s all he needs and you can all stay in the home.

You are entitled to half plus maintenance regardless of what he’s said or what he thinks. He also needs to pay his half of the medical treatment for his daughter, that bit alone is nasty to read.

but all of that’s for when you get home and start getting things organised. I’m sorry he’s treated you like that, you can’t fix things once this stuff happens.

LoftyAmberLion · 17/02/2026 22:39

Please get your kids away from this awful man speak to women’s aid and get help to protect your kids your daughter is just 9 years old and he is a vile bully.

OneNewEagle · 17/02/2026 22:39

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 22:33

I have wondered this, he has relapsed once before and I missed all the signs. I don’t think so, the only ? in my head has been his moods and he’s started drinking 0% alcohol wine again and I know that a definite no-no in AA. But he’s not showing any other signs

Show quote history

Even if he has that’s not your problem. Drinking any sort of wine would imply that he has. But that’s even more of a reason not to stay with him.

FasterMichelin · 17/02/2026 22:40

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 22:21

Emotions aside, i Am terrified at how it would even work financially. Feels like we barely make ends meet just now. He earns around £58k, I’m on just under £30k, we’d both need mortgages from selling current home valued around £320k, I don’t see how the bills add up. How on earth do people manage changing one set of bills for 2?

Couldn’t you rent? It sounds like you could potentially walk away with £160-200k so I would probably rent for a while. You’re only 41, you will likely meet someone else long term.

Or buy a 2 bed house; kid in each room, you in the lounge/dining room and see if the situation improves as the kids get older.

Dont let finances stop you from leaving this marriage - people have divorced in much worse situations, it’s entirely possible and it sounds like you’d all be happier if you divorced.

You may even find, because your daughter has needs that he can’t meet overnight, that you’d get to keep the home.

BookArt55 · 17/02/2026 22:41

Research benefits and start applying.
Speak to a solicitor and take everything financial with you. Knowledge is power.
Then when you have a plan, end it. In the meantime carry on with the kids as normal, and do it when you are ready and have full power over the next steps.
Wishing you luck. I understand the disappointment and anger that a dad can have towards their child who doesn't tick their boxes due to medical needs. Both my kids are treated as such by their dad/my ex, they just aren't the ideal narrative he wants so he is horrible to them...
One happy home with just you is better than a home filled with his nasty, awful behaviours.

LostAndConfused1990 · 17/02/2026 22:43

Your income alone is higher than mine and my partners current combined income, we’re paying a mortgage but no additional loans (really sorry you had to take out a loan to get your daughter the help she needs, I 100% would have done the same). We have 2 children but no childcare costs, do you need to pay childcare to continue working? You may be able to get by comfortably with less money than you think (I know childcare costs can be astronomical so if you need this to be able to work that does make it tricky). I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it work for you and your kids, sounds like you’ve done much of it on your own so far anyway.

Henachoko · 17/02/2026 22:44

The rate of divorce for couples raising children with a disability is 87% so it seems you're not alone in these hardships.
Things sound really rough and I'm sorry you're suffering.
With such demands, I think the first question is would things be easier or harder if you seperate?
Has husband mentioned divorce? Is he prepared to live as housemates for the sake of raising the children?
Because of his age I can't see things getting easier with time as it will be offset by what will likley be his declining health.
I don't know if there's anything I can say that will help but I offer you solidarity. Life is sometimes really really hard and painful.

KTSl1964 · 17/02/2026 22:45

Check out entitled to or turn2us - its a benefits calculator- you maybe entitled to claiming as a single parent - not harm in checking- just put your income in.

LoftyAmberLion · 17/02/2026 22:47

Wellthisisdifficult · 17/02/2026 22:16

tbh he’s an OAP. Even without the disability and MH issues, parenting kids at that age isn’t that feasible. He prob just doesn’t have the energy. He most likely envisaged some nice holidays abroad, going for breakfast in a nice cafe, going for country walks, picking up a newspaper.

He’s not going to get younger, he’s going to get more and more tired, more and more angry he can’t retire. Is your DD at school in the day? Can you get some work in school hours.

In reality, you most likely can’t afford to split and have any life, it doesn’t sound like there will be enough money for two households from one pension (unless its really good)

I think the only way forward is counselling and exploring how to make time for each other as well as your DD.

Don’t make excuses for an abusive man and no she absolutely cannot have marriage counselling with an abuser either.

Usernamedulychanged · 17/02/2026 22:49

Who wants an angry 68 year old man in their life when they’re 41 (or ever, frankly). You don’t want to end up looking after him as well.

LoftyAmberLion · 17/02/2026 22:49

OP you can claim UC you can claim maintenance as the primary carer you can also get a bigger chunk of the assets for housing you and the kids. Speak to women’s aid start protecting your kids.

ByWarmShark · 17/02/2026 22:50

You might be a lot better off in a divorce than you think. With your children you will probably be allowed to stay in the family home as you would not be able to afford suitable accommodation for them by selling it. You'll probably have a clause which says the house will be sold and proceeds split once youngest child turns 18. It is likely he will need to find his own accommodation but that's not your problem and could be a 1 bed flat, especially if he's not doing overnights with the children. You will probably end up doing nearly all the childcare. You will be entitled to universal credit and given you won't have a mortgage and might get some maintenance (which isn't counted in universal credit calculations) this will be enough to live on for you and the kids. You might actually be a lot better off than you think- it may just be thst you carry on pretty much as you are, he moves out, and he just has the kids in the day a couple of times a week (at least initially).