To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

Girl, kindly, this man is an OAP.

just because you’re 68, doesn’t mean you’re past it, but this man is. He wants to retire and is tired.

I would see if he would let you have the house, or provide a home for you and then agree to separate. I am sure that he won’t be involved in the care so you’ll be doing it all, which is why it’s best to sort out finances first.

by the sounds of it, if you have 25k worth of medical debt in your name, as he refused to be involved, you’ll have to fight.

but the upside is, you won’t have to care for him as he gets old. Sounds like he wanted a younger woman but not what comes with it, which is a family and a life.

best of luck girl - I think that just having clarity on your life so you can move forward x

You sound amazing.

In your shoes, I would get through this holiday then go see a solicitor. Keep the peace for your kids through the holiday.

You don’t deserve this.

Is there any way you can get some more support with caring for your children? Just wondering if that might alleviate a little of the stress you are both experiencing. I’m not defending him but you must both be under a great deal of pressure.

It’s all so messy. He was out of work for a long time in 20-30’s but has around 7 years teaching pension and maybe 15 years nhs pension?

What do you mean, £25k of medical expenses he didn't agree to? I assume this was for your daughter? So he's always been an absolute dick?

OP, he sounds like a horrible bully. You are still young, you have a good life ahead of you, even if things might be tough for a while. Talk to a solicitor, get all your ducks in a row, and don't let him frighten you with threats about how life's going to be. He doesn't get to dictate that. Get a good lawyer and get the ball rolling.

You and your kids deserve better.

i don’t think he will agree to Anything, tonight has shown me how furious he is with me

Could your DD live between homes on oxygen? Will equipment be provided for 2 homes? Do you feel confident he could appropriately care for the DC alone overnight if you do all childcare? It may be that the court see it to be in the child's best interests to remain in the family home with you if you divorce.

Yes exactly. It was for a private treatment and he disagreed so I took the loan out in my name and pay it off monthly on a 5 year plan. He has always been very angry about her condition for some reason.

I really don’t think he could manage her overnight needs, but the nhs would probably provide oxygen for 2 homes

Oh and OP, you and your kids can leave the holiday early if you choose to do so. Go home with them in the morning and leave your selfish angry husband there. You can then start looking for a solicitor right away before he even gets back.

I'm sure no one is going to be having any fun anyway while he's around.

Book a 30 min chat with family law solictor
Go through emails and letters for info on pensions, house stuff to take with you

Because he's a selfish bastard who cares more about money than his own children.

If you have the energy, id start making my exit plan immediately

someone with legal knowledge will be along to tell you how it can be done, but if you can find out how you will Financially survive, do so and put the plan into action

kindly, imo he wanted a younger woman, not a family with a disabled child, the fucker that he is, which is why he is so angry.

he won’t fight you for custody.

can you and the kids go home early? Who do you have to support you? 🥺❤️

Presumably you have had some discussions around his retirement, given his age? Many of his contemporaries have probably already retired.

I think your marriage is over but do you think that if he retired and was possibly less tired (because as someone else said he probably is worn out from work) he would/could more reliably provide care for your children and allow you to work more? Of course, if he is as angry as you say then he could also refuse and you can't force him to have the children.

Get copies of all financials and lawyer up.

'He was out of work for a long time in 20-30’s but has around 7 years teaching pension and maybe 15 years nhs pension?'

but surely he worked in his 40's 50's and the most of his 60's so there should be almost 30 years worth of pensions around somewhere...

im so sorry OP, this sounds awful. If the kids are having an awful time with him on this holiday anyway, is there any chance you could sneak out tomorrow and go home? You can make it up to them with a better holiday later. If you can get a few hours home alone without him, you can dig out all the paperwork on his pension and finances before he can hide them.

He's already checked out. He has no interest in actual parenting, he is shouting and swearing at his own children, and he has told you that he'll deliberately screw you over financially if you dare to leave him? Jeez.

You can do this without him. And without his money. Honestly. Look at what you're already doing - you're working, parenting two kids, one with a serious disability, and you're handling living with a fucking bellend at the same time. You have the patience of a saint. And way more strength than you think!

Do you have someone to lean on while you get your ducks in a row? Mum, sibling, friend? Call in every favour you can, ask for whatever you're entitled to (legal advice, financial, PIP, UC, etc) and start the next chapter of your life.

OP, I don’t have any practical advice to give but wanted to say how much and how hard you work for your children and to be able to also keep a job on what sounds like broken sleep 💐 This holiday should have been for re-charging. You and your children deserve so much better.

How is his health?

At 68yrs old and full of anger, this may not be a problem for too much longer...

In terms of the medical debt, if you do separate, make sure your solicitor makes him responsible for half. It was for your joint child, no way should he get out of that. You'll be entitled to some, potentially half of his pensions.

You might be able to negotiate getting the house if you leave his pensions alone.

With your husband being in his 50’s when you had children, did he actually want them or did he agree to have them because you wanted to?
Sounds like he’s really struggling with them and their needs

No he was unemployed for a lot of his 20/30’s due to addictions then retrained so only really started working in his early 50’s

25k worth of medical debt

Why?

He wanted them but I think he wanted picture perfect ones.

retrained for the whole of his 40's ?
so a degree and a masters and what ?