To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

I think you’re right. I think if I bring it up he’ll get angry and blame me for it. I find it immensely emotionally confusing he’s being nice and acting like it never happened, it’s crazy how it makes me doubt myself. But I have this thread as my record and I cannot do nothing now. I imagine it’s only a matter of time before he does it again sadly 😢he’s presumably happier as is back to work and away from us all again for 13 hours a day.

Do you think he could possibly going to the pub after work and not staying the extra hours ?
does he smell of a pub/beer when he comes home ? Could you go near him maybe tonight to see when he comes in.

i can not for the life of me understand someone staying later and going in weekends to work unless it was their own company and they had NO other option!

Has he never mentioned to you in the past tgat he’s deferred his GOV pension ? Or how many years he is short of years ?
There must be letters from the government, search around
If he hasn’t got 35yrs I think he won’t get full GOV pension unless he’s buying years back ?

what I’d be doing now is
having a discussion about finances saying you need more money from him , as you have hardly anything left for yourself and he must have more as he earns more. So you need to re- negotiate
This will be an eye opener, if he says ok then 👍 put extra away in your name

This is regardless of wether you stay or split
also if not now in a few years he won’t be “staying at work” all day and weekends

That seems to suggest that he's probably not having enough sex, and that OPis to blame for his abusive, miserly behaviour to both OP and her children.

By that logic, if he's too old to show his wife some consideration - and at least occasionally assist her with the children that he actively avoids spending time with - then he's probably too old for an active sex life anyway. Perhaps he should continue to sit around drinking "non" alcoholic wine, reading SAGA magazine in another room and leave his wife to cope alone 100 per cent of the time.

I feel your argument seeks to blame the OP for not providing the poor old man with enough sex, in addition to everything else she has to do.

Ah come on, this is just pathetic. Women have to be a mother to their partner now if they can't cope, forget what they feel themselves they just have to get on with it.

That's what abusers do to try and control you, confuse you by pretending nothing happened and make you frightened to say anything. Otherwise he would have apologised because there is no excuse at all for doing that to your kids and upsetting that much.

She can't mend what she didn't break. All she could do is to break herself even more to fit into the mould of the "perfect stepford wife" he wants. Because he has no intention of mending what he broke. He considers it his entitlement to act as he likes even when that amounts to abuse. Of course she should walk away. Better to be happy alone than together and miserable.

She's doing all the childcare. All she loses in losing him, is a tense atmosphere, another person to care for and money. She can get money in benefits of necessary. Yeh they might have to change their financial quality of life but the mental quality of life will improve and that's honestly where the happiness lies. Accepting abuse of yourself and your children in exchange for money doesn't make a person happy.

You just made that up. I clearly said I understand why the OP isn’t having sex with him. In so many words. And the OP says in her 3/4th post that he is tired.

The OP has two high needs children to support.

It’s easy to say it’s only money when you won’t be the one who can’t make ends meet.

The input DH does give - money & keeping the house clean may be better than the OP being alone with two very dependent childen. Maybe putting up with him is preferable to managing alone. Only the OP can decide that.

She didn't make it up. You said "They could still be intimate & then split up." Inference being why isn't the OP facilitating this. It is right. There.

Read my subsequent posts. Where I clearly set out my position.

And “winning” against me with a “there” isn’t helping the Op in any way!!

I was emphasising - "Right. There."

And I think I did win. I'm not going to ignore you lying about what you wrote. The cheek of talking about helping the OP when your suggestion is she pops in, takes care of his "needs" and then goes off to her daughter's room to do the night shift. Where did you recant this?

Never said she should forget what she feels herself. Never even implied it.

Nor do I think she needs to “mother” a 68 year old man.

Are you not implying she should stay with him for the money and cleaning despite him calling her a "fucking idiot"?

But that's basically what you're suggesting because he's older. There is no excuse for treating people like shit, you could just be honest instead of being resentful and frightening your own kids. He should recognise what she is doing and feeling, not just she should understand he may be too old for this. They're married ?

Why is it important to you to “win” on a thread that isn’t about you?

No I’m not suggesting that at all. Can you not take my word for it. I don’t think she should “mother” him.

Course he should, but he’s not here the OP is.

Yes I agree. I think it's very important not to encourage someone to stay in a relationship with a man who made her daughter shake with fear, I don't care how old and tired he is. He is hiding money, disappearing after work and at the weekends, and generally treating the OP with contempt. No amount of being nice and understanding that he is 68 will fix that.

Did you mean to @ me? I’ve not said anything about his nice behaviour, or anything that could be construed as a defence of him, as far as I’m aware?

Because I am so, so tired of desperate and sad women coming on here, who are drowning in work and childcare and being treated like shit by the men in their lives, only to be told (by other women) their expectations are too high, they shouldn't have had children with him, what about his feelings/energy levels/social life/, and maybe they can't do it alone anyway.
It isn't about me, no, but it could be one day and it is toxic.

What about just encouraging the OP to sit with it. To try to take a calm decision & figure out what staying looks like and what leaving looks like. Financially, practically & emotionally.

Not rushing to oh you’ll be better off, you’ll get benefits, respite etc. Which some people on this thread are

Just assessing the situation as unemotionally as possible.

And while his outburst was utterly awful, particularly aimed at a disabled child, being alone with two children seems like a very heavy burden to carry to me.

He’a clearly neither a great husband or father but is better than going it alone?

I get that, but I’m really not coming from that place.

I am concerned that the Op has two very high needs children, and that maybe even small help is better than being completely alone.

And I get that people won’t agree with my outlook on that. But I just think of things like what if it’s 10pm and there’s no milk. At least he could go to the shop.

It’s not meant as oh you useless woman you couldn’t do it alone. It would be really really hard practically for anyone to be with two high needs children alone.

Bloody hell there are some male apologists on here. He has enough energy to do extra hours at work, exercise, see mates and do extreme hobbies while his wife who also works does the overnights and all care for both DC who have disabilities.

He’s a sorry excuse for a man and she’s only just noticing the scale of his abuse.

Totally disagree.

This has now stepped into a new situation. This isn’t about the OP tolerating neglect/abuse herself - it’s about her stepping in to remove and protect her disabled vulnerable little girl from the wrath and emotional violence directed specifically at her from a vile aggressive man. This is now a child abuse situation - that changes the whole situation - the OP is now tasked with protecting her DD. If this continues to happen the OP has to consider herself technically complicit if she has not used her agency.

Yes. What about something like talking to him, about the problems and how it made you and your DC feel, saying something like I never want that to happen again in front of the children, we are to discuss things privately and politely if there is a problem. And on the work thing, you need him there more. He can talk too about anything which is bothering him

And then if this doesn't work, then consider your next steps.

Could be a plan OP?

Stop minimising it - it wasn’t just a one off row that happened ‘in front of the children’ - he also intentionally targeted and personally verbally abused his disabled 9 year old daughter.
This is direct child abuse.

This was on top of raging at his wife in front of his children - this is also defined as child abuse by the NSPCC.

In addition we know he is emotionally and practically totally detached from the family. This is neglect.