To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

When you get home, seek legal advice from a good family solicitor. Find out where you would be financially if you did divorce. It sounds to me like if you felt you had a choice, you would leave. You deserve so much better- he sounds horrible. He will still have to contribute for the children whether he is retired or not!! I suspect he also knows you may leave if you felt you could financially.. why else would he be pointing out how financially dependent you are. That in itself is huge red flag imo.
wishing you all the luck going forward and honestly you really deserve so much more xxxxx

68? Do you want to end up caring for him and your daughter at the same time? I suspect the reason he's so angry and resentful is that he thought marrying a much younger woman would mean he had someone to wait on him hand and foot, and having a child with serious health problems has scuppered that. Dump this selfish arsehole while you still can.

So I believe early 40’s were in AA recovery then late 40’s degree and masters and then early 50’s he joined nhs

at this rate I would be very concerned he even has his 35 years NI to get his full pension.

Listen, love.
He can't get out of supporting you and the DC.
He can say things in anger but he's wrong.

Go and see a lawyer.
Don't panic about money. Or where you'll all live.

But you need to get divorced. This man is horrible. He is abusive and cruel.

Your husband has mentally checked out of family life. Did your husband want the children? I see a man who is an OAP, who has two children with significant needs, who he resents. He didn't envisage his life becoming what it currently is, and he is resentful of that. Yes, he blames you for some of the way he's feeling, because presumably you wanted children. He's not interested in the children, their needs mean they are hard work, and he can't cope with it.

None of the above excuses his behaviour, which is absolutely dreadful. I don't see his attitude improving or changing. He's showing you very clearly how he feels about you and his own children. You would be far better to divorce. Yes, life will be hard, because I can't see him having the children overnight, or much at all, which means it will all fall onto you.

You need to seek legal advice. You are married, so there will be some protection. See what help you will be able to receive to assist you with your disabled child.

His sperm might have been too old for picture perfect ones..
you should get some of his pension so he can’t just roll off into the sunset, and if the medical treatment is for your dd id ask rhe lawyer about putting it in the claim. If he can’t care for your dd overnight that should be a factor in the housing needs decision too…

good luck up, you’re only 41 and at 50 and 60 you will be able to think thank fuck I’m not caring for that abusive old man too.

I was just about to post this. What you have detailed so far is only about 22 years of work and if he is now 68 and working, that takes us back to age 46. Surely he worked for some years prior to that at something? Otherwise, yes he is not even going to be anywhere near his full state pension.

Seek legal advice and divorce no point you staying together.

Wow that’s a big gap and at 68 his energy levels and tolerance will be less. Try talking in the morning when it’s calmed down

tbh he’s an OAP. Even without the disability and MH issues, parenting kids at that age isn’t that feasible. He prob just doesn’t have the energy. He most likely envisaged some nice holidays abroad, going for breakfast in a nice cafe, going for country walks, picking up a newspaper.

He’s not going to get younger, he’s going to get more and more tired, more and more angry he can’t retire. Is your DD at school in the day? Can you get some work in school hours.

In reality, you most likely can’t afford to split and have any life, it doesn’t sound like there will be enough money for two households from one pension (unless its really good)

I think the only way forward is counselling and exploring how to make time for each other as well as your DD.

Love this comment - and agree

I’m not defending him at all, he sounds vile. But I think he also probably needed/needs therapy to deal with you children’s health issues. The life he clearly thought he was getting into hasn’t happened and he’s taking that out on you and the children.

It’s probably too late to save your marriage, this is a huge age gap and I guess this is the risk to that kind of age gap.

When everything calms down and the kids are at school (if they go) or if you can get some respite care. Can you sit down and talk to him about it all. And see what agreement you can come to with regards to separating. Potentially approaching calmly without arguing and asking if he struggles with grieving the life he expected.

My friends step-dad was very similar, age gap, first child (my friends half sister) had severe disabilities. He checked out of the marriage and they eventually divorced. He barely saw his daughter again and then died relatively young at 65.

Depends what he’s claimed by way of benefits between jobs. Some benefits include full NI contributions.

Emotions aside, i Am terrified at how it would even work financially. Feels like we barely make ends meet just now. He earns around £58k, I’m on just under £30k, we’d both need mortgages from selling current home valued around £320k, I don’t see how the bills add up. How on earth do people manage changing one set of bills for 2?

How old are kids op ?
Having kids with additional needs is never easy ,,what do you want to do ,,do you think you would both be better parents apart ?

his anger towards me and our daughter tonight (for her sticking up for me) was so clear to me he frankly hates me.

See a family lawyer and discuss how the money would work.

I think he will get a shock.

He will have to pay maintenance till the children are 18.
You may be allowed to stay in the family home and he will have to rent or take out another loan.

If you divorce, his pension will be taken into account as his assets and he may have to give you a lump sum or part of his annual pension.
He will be getting the state pension now anyway at 68.

Sadly he is too old to manage all of this. I'm sure he did want a family but couldn't see how it would feel at 68. He is of an age to be retired with free time and a slower pace of life which he may be seeing his friends enjoy? It doesn't help solve the problem but I'm not surprised. I think you need to start to organise your life on your own as he cannot be relied on and isn't helping your mental health either. Look out for yourself and your children.

After tonight, sadly yes I do. I don’t want them to hear him speak to me like that again. They were both scared. I admit I didn’t handle it well going in and asking him if he was planning to come and help stop ww3, but it was like I’d poured a vat
of petrol on a fire we

Absolutely this. Don’t back down op. He’s a fucking wanker

You can probably stay in your home considering your children's medical needs.
It would be sold when the 9 yr old is 18.

OR you will both have to downsize but you will most likely be awarded more than 50% of assets- maybe a 70-30 split.

OP, do you have any idea what he was doing/claiming in all these years (decades?) when he was addicted and not working? if he was claiming unemployment benefit that would count towards his state pension at least but he sounds like he wasn't capable of (and therefore not looking for?) work.

He was far too old to have kids in the first place. My dad was 50 when I was born and pretty fit all through his 50s and 60s and it was still too old. Them poor kids with a disinterested father who is also probably going to die before they reach their 20s. How selfish.

Do what's best for you and your children op .
He will likely be causing more stress to you as you are concerned about his reactions as well as looking after your kids .
Start the process of being pro active and looking into how things are going to look for you financially .
I remember feeling as light as a feather once I ended a bad relationship xx