To think my child is difficult

[Letsgoupstairs]

That sounds really horrible and negative but …

I don’t think he has additional needs, although I haven’t entirely ruled it out. But he is not an easy child at all and although I feel like a real failure for admitting this, I just don’t enjoy him.I don’t enjoy spending time with him or his company. And that’s horrible.

How old is he?

Need context, impossible to answer

It's difficult to vote without more information about why you find him so difficult.

Sending you hugs - this must be a difficult thing to feel regardless.

Maybe if you can elaborate a bit more, some wise people might be able to give you some advice on what you could do to improve your relationship with him.

You need to add more details/context.

OP, it can happen.
It certainly happened to an old friend of mine.
I could understand too.
He was difficult, very verbal, demanding, destructive and jealous.
In other words exhausting.
This did continue for some years.
Diet was a focus for her and a good protein breakfast helped him, ad did a very clean diet.
Now at 26 he has long been a delight.
Aced university and has a lovely girlfriend.
Do not feel bad. It can be hard, but your reaction is very normal to a challenging child.

What does he do that you struggle with OP? Or is it his personality? There must be aspects of him you love.

I find my ds can be a bit gloomy and his refusal to hurry infuriates me but he's kind, funny, sharp and loyal. I hope to talk him out of his gloomy views, or perhaps they will disappear when he has a girlfriend.

What do you love about your ds?

How old are they? I felt like this with one of mine when they were are primary school- everything was full on and hard work; I couldn’t see anything positive.

They are at college now and we are so much closer, they bring me so much joy but we do still clash but both react to each other so much better. I had to take a step back and change how I parented them, took the small wins instead of thinking this is the bare minimum and they matured. It took time.

Some kids are harder than others, my youngest is so chilled and easy to parent (both are ND).

It's certainly true that some children are harder work than others. How old is he? It may just be a tricky phase.

Can you give some examples of how they are difficult and how old are they?

Thank you. Apologies; I did mean to include age and forgot. I was a bit emotional when I posted.

He is five.

He can be lovely. I don’t want to give the impression he doesn’t have any good points at all, or that he’s completely behind hope. But he can be very stroppy, defiant, rude, aggressive and also demanding.

All children can be but it’s the extent I suppose.

I could have written this. You have my fullest understanding and sympathy. Being a parent is WILD

I had a rather tricky one. Stroppy, unbelievably strong willed - just intense in every way. It felt quite hard going. Just the other day I found an old copy of a book 'The Spirited Child.' (eye roll!) A lot of the time I felt like I was walking on egg shells. Hang in there. Much (much !) better now. Super independent, great grades at school. Lots of friends and kind. Still strong willed though but with maturity less tricky and really good fun to be around. Try to work out the flash points. What worked for us:
Awareness of sensory challenges, lots of notice and discussion about transitions in the day (from one activity to the next), lots of physical comfort. Overload or tiredness registered as truculence. Good diet.

Could you give us a run down of what a particularly difficult day could look like? @Letsgoupstairs

How often do days like this occur?

Just because your kid is difficult doesn't mean you are a shit parent. Kids don't come with a digital display saying how well you are doing. (I have autistic kids) You've got no idea if it could be a hell of a lot worse or better if you tried something else. You could be going really well with the kid you've got.

I would do a parenting course. If those strategies don't work then you have more evidence to seek help from GP. They do like to send you to these first. You can tell them you are using strategies but they are not working. In the mean time write down behaviours. Things that trigger. Look for symptoms of ASD and ADHD/add. (And any other suggestions people come up with. ) Especially early symptoms.

I was finding my 5 year old exhausting and a wise friend told me that some children make much better adults than they do children. She said that you want your adult child to have the courage of their own convictions and be an independent thinker. Being a mum to such a strong willed child was exhausting, but she was right - my DD is a sensational, wonderful, intelligent, strong-willed resilient adult. Hang on in there!

Thanks. I’ve had a difficult few days (can you tell?!)

So the first thing I find difficult is actually just talking to him. He tends to ramble on at a tangent and isn’t actually saying anything (just repeating words) but you can’t get a word in edgeways. It will go something like this (we were reading a book about planets)

‘Mummy … mummy … you know mummy … mummy, you know, you know Mars is, mummy, it’s, Mars is, mummy, it’s not hard, it is not hard mummy …’

’oh, really? (Try to carry on reading)

’yes it’s … it’s … mummy, mummy … you know … it’s not hard,‘it’s ,.. you know …’

This just happens so often and if you’re trying to talk to him about behaviour or anything (even in a warm, non confrontational sort of way) it’s impossible because of this sort of weird rambling.

He can be aggressive towards other children; biting, pushing etc

He is very, very loud. Roars at the top of his voice which puts me in a state of almost permanent irritation.

very messy. I can kind of live with it but it is a bit embarrassing at times when I’m with friends and their children seem able to eat an ice cream or have a cake without wearing the contents all over their face and clothes. He also makes a tremendous mess at home.

i sound so negative.

Ds1 was impossible for most of his life. He was a colicky new born, an insomniac infant, a tantruming toddler, a bratty kid and an obnoxious argumentative teen. He is late teens now and seems to have a good heart, he can charm anyone and oozes confidence. Friends who had easy kids are moaning about theirs not studying or being lazy and I'm enjoying DS. I always loved him but I always found it hard to be around him, it was always hard work. Some kids are just like that. Its hard to admit in real life and that's where anonymous forums are great to let it all out.

This sounds like communication/interaction issues and sensory issues. How is he at school?

Lols sounds normal. Your five year old a good book.

Get lots of outside time.
Help him use his words. The talking, although exhausting, is a good thing. Do your best to listen and reflect back.
Consequences. Immediate.
Sometimes if they're playing you have to watch like a hawk and get in between them and their victim. Like literally. No, we don't bite. Rinse and repeat.
It doesn't last forever.

Could it be a stammer? Perhaps he needs help with his communication.

Re pushing - get him a trolley, buggy - something to push
Re hitting - get him a hammer set
The roaring - roar with him - maybe outside lol
Try not to be embarrassed with the friends. Be efficient, brisk, carry wipes. Some kids are messy while they're learning
The not listening - where are your ears? No, look at mummy, here, at mummy, listening, down on his level. Consequences if he doesn't. Be firm.

The rambling is very normal for me this age but YANBU that it can drive you to distraction.

You can love some yet not particularly like them you know

Consequences don’t work with him. He will become angry and upset at the consequence but it will not actually stop the behaviour and can escalate the situation beyond the point of being salvageable.

Things like ‘get him a hammer’ miss the point, he wants to hit me, not a wall!