To think my child is difficult

[Letsgoupstairs]

That sounds really horrible and negative but …

I don’t think he has additional needs, although I haven’t entirely ruled it out. But he is not an easy child at all and although I feel like a real failure for admitting this, I just don’t enjoy him.I don’t enjoy spending time with him or his company. And that’s horrible.

My eldest child is very hard work. She is on waiting waiting list to be assessed for SEND but I’m not sure it’s a clear cut diagnosis - we’ll see what happens. Some of it is just personality I think. She’s very easy to anger and also has days where there’s a grey cloud over her. She’s been like this even as a tiny baby. I’m nervous about the teen years as we’re not quite there yet….

You’re not alone. I find that spending one on one time really helps with connection and enjoying their company, plus watch the diet as others have said

Aware this might sound annoying… but what if you tried to be really curious about your son? View him as a little topic to be probed and discovered, neutrally without all the mum feelings. What might be going on for him? What prompts him to behave in that way? Are their patterns? Curiosity- and trying to park
judgment - is often a good starting point to building better understanding, which can improve your relationship (and over time some of his behaviours.)

Take this one step at a time. You can go to the GP, you don't need to say that you think this or that is wrong, just say what's been happening and ask for help. I would also have a word with the school first, they may have noticed some possible issues but very often if it's not severe they wont say anything unless you ask.

You may well get sent on a parenting course in the first instance. I was sent on a parenting course even when it was bloody obvious to everyone that there was some kind of problem beyond just parenting while DC was on the waiting lists for assessment (oops sorry that word!)

The parenting course was useful. It gave me some strategies to talk over and try out and some of them helped because a five year old is still a five year old (even one who turned out to have autism) I got to meet some parents of kids who occasionally behaved worse than mine which can be comforting. We all sympathised with each other and supported each other. And it gave me a solid basis to say "well I tried this strategy and for my DC it didn't work, this is what happened instead" which is helpful for diagnosis.

A parenting course will tell you how to do things like consequences effectively and how to fit them in with the other stuff you can also do. Personally I laid off negative consequences altogether for a long time because they only made matters worse. Rewards (done properly and used sparingly) were much more effective. And the basics - shared attention, clear communication (taking DC's communication issues into account), low-stress routines and consistency (although consistent mildness!) got us through.

And if you do get assessments they wont just give you a label, they will also give you some idea of what is going wrong for your DC, and that's still true even if your DC gets no label (diagnosis) in the end. Are the problems communication? Attention? Sensory or stimming? Language or non-verbal? It's much easier to adapt your parenting when you know what your DC can and can't do easily.

Tbf I’ve read your updates and apart from the biting I think they are all entirely normal behaviour for 5.

Threads like this always get completely derailed by people suggesting SEN and it's just unhelpful! I had a similar thread I posted on behalf of my friend who is having problems with her daughter, and all the comments were "SHE HAS SEN!!" when she quite clearly doesn't (as someone who used to work for an SEND organisation!!!!)

In my opinion, to respond to your OP- no, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to think your child is difficult. A number of your observations of him highlight things that are challenging to deal with, just on a basic human level.

I have one very tricky child and another much more chilled out one. The contrast is stark and was noticeable from very early on. When I’m dealing with the rumblings of guilt about not enjoying interacting with my tricky one, I remind myself that it’s nothing personal to them and I’m only human. I don’t like being shouted at, I find oppositional conversations exhausting and the noise and frantic physical movements (sensory seeking), set my nervous system on edge. Over time, my body has been primed to be highly alert to brewing meltdowns so I can never really relax when I’m around them. That’s hard to say, it doesn’t mean I don’t love them, but it’s my reality. The fact of it is, those behaviours are intense and they have a knock on effect to e.g. my ability to keep on top of housework or motivation for anything beyond just ‘getting through’ the day. Therefore, it’s not just the behaviours themselves, in the moment, that are difficult- it’s the domino effect on everything else.

I hear what you are saying about ‘nothing works’ and that, for me, was the phrase that made us explore what was causing some of these behaviours. It was also helpful for me to realise that my other child seemed to be well-adjusted (for want of a better term), so I must have some ability to be a ‘good enough’ parent.

Talking about my experience only- when we looked deeper underneath the surface, questions about neurodivergent traits served as a lightbulb moment to me. It hasn’t changed any external outcomes but, if nothing else, has validated to me that I was right to find things tricky. I was right in crying with exhaustion because things were so hard, everyday. That going out was harder to make a success because their brain processes things in a totally different way- it wasn’t/ isn’t just me being a crap parent. It isn’t just me not being cut out to be a mum. The assessment process helped me to organise my thoughts about a very, very complex set of triggers, sensitivities and behaviours. I’m not sure I can say it’s made things ‘easier’ but I would say that any opportunity to take a good look at what is going on is a positive. A diagnosis is arguably neither here nor there, depending how you look at it. But a better understanding of what is making things challenging is valuable (for the whole family)- hearing tests, really exploring the communication difficulties etc can all be a part of it.

It sounds like a difficult situation for all involved and your feelings around the behaviours seem completely valid to me.

What do you actually want from this thread?

If anyone says your kid is perfectly normal, you argue with them, and give them a million of examples of why you think he doesn’t behave like other five-year-olds.

Then when people agree and say ‘OK, maybe he isn’t a normal five-year-old then’ you refuse to accept that might be the case.

How do you expect anyone to give you the advice or support you want if you won’t accept that your son is a normal kid, but also won’t accept that he isn’t?

What do you actually want people to say? Do you honestly want people say “yes, he sounds awful, you’re right to think he’s annoying and horrible” so you feel better about yourself?

Either you think your son is fine and have to accept that you simply dislike him for being a normal five-year-old, or you think he isn’t fine and you have to accept that he might need SEN support. You can’t have it both ways.

Wear ear protectors and get them for your toddler. Your five year old may not know how to regulate his voice and you are quite sensitive to noise.

The problem you are having is a lack if attunement between your two bodies and minds. He is triggering your flight reflex—you want to run and avoid him when he gets loud and uncontrollable. When he occupies too much space and time.

Does he remind you if your father? Brother? Siblings? Or your dh with whom you also can’t have a calm, empathetic, conversation?

Part of the problem is that you can’t enjoy your roaring dinosaur son. Dig down and ask why that is? There is a beautiful book “the unromantic child” written by a professor of the romantic poets about how difficult it was to parent a child who was not interested in any of the things she enjoyed—no wordsworthian attention to nature etc… You might look for it.

One suggestion to help with loudness: loop earplugs (or similar) for yourself. The kind that let you hear most things, including conversations, but turn down the extreme volume. Just to help your own nervous system be regulated. I've got a (happy) loud kid too and it can really rub me raw when I'm stressed.

Why are you allowing him to be?

To be fair plenty of posters have offered strategies and advice for managing behaviours in NT children and OP didn't like that either.

He does sound particularly challenging with the biting etc but to be honest children in general are draining, annoying, needy, attention seeking and loud in my honest opinion, so don’t feel guilty.

There seems to be an underlying assumption on this thread that SEND means ASD/ADHD. It really doesn't!
It could, in this case, mean hearing impairment, difficulty with language processing, both and/or speaking and understanding.
But OP will never know if her child isn't assessed by anybody.
I'm sorry OP, hus behaviour does sound challenging.

Sigh. No one’s ‘allowing’ him to be anything. He was taken away from the thing he was hogging and then removed from the soft play when he bit, but unfortunately he has to do those things before you can intervene,if that makes sense.

@neverbeenskiing it isn’t really about ‘not liking’ - but repeatedly insisting he is ND - and even if he IS, the process is so lengthy and the support so limited that it isn’t a magic bullet and I’m surprised so many are acting as if it is - either that or banging on about consequences without any tangible explanation as to how this would look in real life - neither of those things are helpful.

I think that is an excellent point @Pearlstillsinging His behaviour has been challenging this half term and today there’s been a definite shift - he’s been a lot pleasanter generally. His ear has also started oozing a horrible substance. So I think a lot Of the really unpleasant stuff - biting and territorial behaviour around games - is linked to a build up,a pressure in his head. It’s happened before. Of course, it’s not an excuse: he can’t go around biting other kids even if he is in discomfort, but it does provide a reasonable explanation and some context.

There are actually some very helpful posts here and I’m going to read through properly; thank you.

I can relate.

My son is 8 now but he has always been hard work.

He does have a lot of great qualities but he can be stroppy, defiant and just downright awkward and often nothing can please him. He is very bloody minded and can be horribly obsessive about things in a way that upsets and disrupts everyone around him (this is one of the reasons we did often consider some sort of neurodiversity, but the older we get the more we don’t think it is).

I think a lot of the issue with my son is that he is very spoilt. We just love him and want to make him happy but we have realised this is not always for the best.

He does, however, know when his behaviour is not acceptable. And we know this because he would not dare try it with other people. Just with us.

On the flip side, he is actually very mature for 8, has very good manners (particularly with other people), is very funny and engaging, outgoing and confident.

Sometimes I will be feeling frustrated at how difficult he can be, then I spend time with his friends….and I find them irritating beyond belief.

So a lot of it can just be that young boys can be very annoying.

edited to add: my son is not an only child. So we do know how other kids behave. And when I say he is spoiled, I don’t mean obscenely so. We do try and instil in him that he is not the only member of this family…but he sometimes does act like he is. He does have a way of very much ruling the house, which we need to stop.

Yes, DScan be like that. If he fixates on something, he just won’t stop whingeing on about it which can be really frustrating.

Poor mite, his ear must have been so painful for it to start leaking stuff. That will of course have affected his behaviour. Has he said it hurt at all? He may not recognise the build up of pressure yet, but he will as he gets older.

I hope you get some answers at the hearing assessment OP. That seems to be the root cause of (at least) some of his behaviours. He seems frustrated that he can't get out of his mouth what is going on in his head.

I have read through your posts, @Letsgoupstairs, but am full of brain fog today, so apologies if I have missed it, but have you tried positive consequences for good behaviour? Stickers on a chart, with a treat for a certain number of them.

So you could say “We are going to read this book, and if you sit and listen nicely, you’ll get a sticker”, or “You behaved nicely at soft play, so you can get a sticker when we get home” - basically looking for any little thing to reward.

Fwiw OP mine used to clean the floor of play cafes with their tops. Nightmare. They're much older now. Not sliding on the floor. Still make a mess in the kitchen. Not diagnosed with anything - personally think that route is a non starter. I have had to dig deep at times and read the riot act. Last one is particularly tiresome at times. Needs an ASBO. Will go far in life. Knows what she wants. Nightmare. I'm hoping that she'll be a delight as a teenager as ime everyone gets something. Was a cutie as a baby. Even as toddlers they were all quite cute, even mid tantrum. I've found 5-8/9 much more challenging.

I'm glad he's having a hearing test. Sometimes an infection can lead to hearing problems that linger afterwards and slight trouble hearing can lead to a lot of frustration and to some surprising behaviour issues. These after-effects can often be easily fixed e.g. with grommets.

I hope you find some answers and some plainer sailing!

People who post things like this have zero experience of parenting a more challenging child IMO.

I’ve seen children in the wild, family members, kids of friends etc. Most of them are 50 times more malleable than my eldest DD. They just are easier. If you didn’t find one of your children a nightmare to parent, just don’t respond to threads like this. Thanks so much.

@Theonlywayicanloveyou a few weeks ago, my younger child was making a stupid noise. I asked her to stop once, nicely and she ignored me. I asked her again, more firmly, and she continued to do it. I then told her very firmly that if I heard it again she would not be going to her swimming that morning. And she stopped.

It was a bit like … ah, so this is what ‘normal’parenting is like.

That’s not to say I think ds is terrible but he’s definitely not quelled or quashed by sternness or even consequences. The consequences may make him angry or frustrated or even upset but they won’t actually alter or address his behaviour. He won’t think I didn’t like losing my TV time when I was rude earlier, so I’d better be politer next time. It’s more ‘I’m angry I’ve lost my TV time and I’ll let you know about it.’

It sounds really tough.
Parenting courses can be really useful. Also, I found Laura Markham's website really good - maybe try the articles on discipline and I would also recommend the section on connecting with your kids.
There are loads of ideas for games to play and a couple of them I used with my younger ds when we were going through a tough time. It really helped to have some time to just try to connect and have fun with him, even for a few minutes every day.

You have described my DS4.5 to a T. I have read that some kids really crave “auditory stimulation” aka noise. Mine definitely talks just to hear himself speak.

When it starts really getting to me, I put on some music (I try for music that I like, but will settle for music I can tolerate like Raffi or Sharon Lois and Bram - NOT Cocomelon or similar). 90% of the time he will stop talking and we can both listen to the music.

When he gets “stuck” on speaking like you describe, I get him to stop and take two deep breaths and think about what he wants to say before he speaks again.

They also do a lot of calming activities at nursery, which helps a lot. We will take five deep breaths by tracing one finger up and down the fingers on the other hand (breathe in on the up, out on the down), or calmly blowing the fingers of one hand out like a candle, or putting hands on tummy and taking deep belly breaths so the hand moves up and down. Practice when he’s calm and it might help take things down a notch or two when he’s getting overexcited.