To think my child is difficult

[Letsgoupstairs]

That sounds really horrible and negative but …

I don’t think he has additional needs, although I haven’t entirely ruled it out. But he is not an easy child at all and although I feel like a real failure for admitting this, I just don’t enjoy him.I don’t enjoy spending time with him or his company. And that’s horrible.

Sorry, I don't think my post does say that at all. I'm really trying to help. Strategies for ND children help all children. Personally I agree with you re diagnosis, it's unlikely based on everything you've said.

What are you here for? A moan? Advice? Either is OK, but be clear. Because I think I've tried to offer advice and it's being met with a somewhat combative attitude.

I feel guilty for not enjoying him and often not liking him much, dreading time with him … I don’t feel remotely guilty for not insisting he has ADHD when I’ve no idea and to be honest I am not really bothered if he has or not … it’s not curable and as you say there’s no support anyway (at least in part because of the vast numbers!) anyway my instinct is that ds is not very good at listening and is probably in a negative cycle of looking for attention and going about it badly. I could live with a lot of stuff apart from the aggression and whining about his turn. Makes things very fraught.

Stick your head in the sand then. If he isn't ND then that is good but I don't see the issue with raising it.

@Happytaytos I've said clearly that consequences don’t work; he hates them, they make him angry but they don’t stop the behaviour reoccurring. Besides, the roaring wasn’t actually misbehaviour per se; he was playing at being a dinosaur. But the constant noise, mess and vague rambles do mean you just can’t breathe or relax. It’s very draining. I’ve no idea what I’m here for but being told Severe Consequences without any suggestion as to what these might be or change behaviour is definitely not it.

He can get support at school! 🙄

I have a difficult child (and 2 much easier ones). No SEN as far as I am aware. He’s 13 now. Always been very strong willed, energetic and clever. A delight when things are doing his way and a pain in the bum when not. Will argue black is white. Needs to be exercised like a puppy. I am a bit nervous of the teenage years!

But, I think he will do well in life channelled in the right direction. As I said, he’s very bright and people / children/ teachers seem to like him. He behaves well at school mostly. Gets very passionate about things. A strong personality can often be a good thing. I don’t think he is a people pleaser or will get pushed about. Which is good (mostly!).

No advice but hang in there.

In the ruling out other things, how's his hearing?

Obviously he can hear but can he distinguish sounds, pick up the right voice in a noisy environment? Has he had ear infections?

Is he a mouth breather or snorer?

My son needed grommets and adenoids out. Didn't realise how much impact disrupted sleep (he was in his bed all night but the quality suffered) and an inability to pick up the right sound was impacting him until after his op at six.

I'm a bit confused by some of your responses. You've posted specifically asking if you are unreasonable to think your child may be more challenging than other children. So people have answered your question, suggesting that you may well be correct and that it sounds like this could be due to SEN. This seems to have annoyed or offended you, but I'm not sure why or what you were expecting. People have also offered advice and strategies and these have largely been dismissed. What were you hoping to get from this thread?

If a childs communication and interaction seems potentially not in line with their peers, traditional rewards and consequences don't work and their behaviour can be aggressive with no discernible trigger then it would be completely illogical not to consider SEN. It's entirely up to you as parents if you want to do anything about it or not, but getting angry with people for suggesting it when you've initiated the discussion yourself is pointless. It's also ok for people to point out that your opinion that a formal diagnosis does not lead to any support and changes nothing is not everyone's experience. It certainly hasn't been mine.

"I could live with a lot of stuff apart from the aggression and whining about his turn. Makes things very fraught".

Children mirror adults. He does sound an angry, frustrated child, could he be reflecting and from whom? Do you see where I'm going @Letsgoupstairs

Could it help if you, verbally, would validate his feelings, not the action of what he's actually doing but you could acknowledge his anger ("I know you're angry/frustrated that...") but firmly state that acting out/biting/whining is not okay.

Tbh, the whining was my biggest bug bear, I just used to say "stop whining and tell me what it is you need, in a normal voice" (said with a kind tone, ofc) 😉

It is very easily missed when the speech is there. It sounds like your DS could have slow processing of language, that could be what is leading to not always following instructions and being aggressive some times, difficulty in expressing language leading to the repetition of words but not really saying much (your example where he was saying mummy and Mars a lot), difficulty in turn taking with conversations- leading to the interruptions. If you go to parents evening and use the right language it may prompt them to actually consider where he is at. So say, I'm concerned about his language development, he can't seem to take turns in conversation, I'm worried that his processing of language is delayed as he repeats words and seems to be struggling to get out what he wants to say, he isn't always following instructions and can get frustrated and aggressive which could be linked to difficulty in processing language quickly enough.
This doesn't mean he needs to be given any lables or be diagnosed with anything. Just some targeted interventions could help him catch up.

I feel your pain OP. My eldest DS is now nearly 15 and wasn't enjoyable. I do suspect some form of ND with him but have never explored a diagnosis either. His sister was diagnosed at 3 and he has very similar traits but he is fine in school whereas DD struggles and has needed support.
What helped me was understanding how to communicate with him, breaking things down to now and next steps so now we are on the train and you can have x number of goes, next we will go to the soft play. Then giving reminders so after the first go saying things like remember you only have 2 more goes etc.
Doing countdowns to leaving somewhere so we will be leaving in 20 mins, then a reminder at 15 mins etc. This did not always work!
Consequences and behaviour charts did not ever work. He didn't give a shit! What did work was finding clubs and hobbies he enjoyed and kept his interest up. He was/is very sporty. We also had quite strict routines so he knew what was happening. This reduced the anger and outbursts a bit. I'm not going to lie though he was very hard to parent and many times I found myself counting down to 18 when he could leave! I tried reaching out for support with school and family support workers etc and no one cared or helped at all.
But at 14 something changed in him and he is now 95% lovely, he still has his moments and is incredibly self centered and wants things his way. Which if I can accommodate is fine. He mostly does his thing with limited input from me. He prefers it this way but knows I'm always around to talk to or ask for support from. He likes to control his own life and that's fine. He mostly makes the right choices and will accept guidance.
So hang in there OP there will be some tough moments and times you think you can't cope but you are not a bad parent and this isn't something you've done. You will learn coping mechanisms and finding him hard and not enjoyable isn't a mark of a poor parent.
Parenting boys like this is hard work and you need to learn to be kind to yourself. We are not robots and there will be times you get it wrong.
You've got this and you can do it.

Sorry you’re confused but no idea how to help.

Absolute nonsense he can get support at school 😆 i am not being That Parent, insisting my child is SEN, demanding this and that, without any evidence at all.

Hearing is definitely an issue and is my first suspicion rather than being ND. Appointment is in two weeks.

What is it your actually wanting from this thread OP?

Several posters recognise ND traits from what you’ve written. Whatever you’re doing now clearly isn’t working. So what, carry on as you then?

If he IS ND, NT parenting strategies will not work. It’s not about what support you get after diagnosis (there isn’t any for you), it’s about understanding your child’s needs and adapting your parenting accordingly. It’s getting additional support in school. It’s your child having some validation and not growing up thinking he’s the “weird” kid, or knowing something is different about himself but not understanding what.

School may not have noticed anything yet, but there is still plenty of time for the wheels to fall off. School didn’t see anything with my child either, until they were 8 and everything turned to shit.

It really doesn’t matter about your DH or the strain on your marriage, if your son is ND then he’s ND and you will need to address that and get him the help and support he needs in school/college/university in place. If he is ND, his behaviour will not improve and if you continue trying to parent in a NT way, the strain on your marriage will be even greater a few years down the line.

And I’m not normally this negative about him. I do love him but it’s hard to enjoy him when he’s like this and if I’m honest I don’t want others thinking he is a bad horrible child but of course they will if he behaves in such a way.

Sorry - I really am ignoring the posts fixating on SEN; we’re not pursuing a diagnosis and I don’t think he is so …

Yeah you are one of those who think we are just trying to diagnose autism in all our kids.

Is he in Reception? What is the school saying? If they report no problems, it means you have a home problem, maybe not enough boundaries or consequences. Young children thrive on routine.
With regards to hearing there should be a hearing test in Reception, they would have let you know if there was a problem.

Even if you don't want an assessment you could try some of the neurodiverse parenting techniques to see if they make a difference. Sometimes the techniques are the opposite of traditional parenting which can escalate behaviours in neurodiverse children.

Severe consequences/strict punishments have the complete opposite effect on ds 6(who displays similar behaviour minus the violence). He's thriving now at home and school now his sensory needs are being met. He has a chewie which helps him concentrate and things like wiggle cushions/movement breaks at school. They also give him a whiteboard so he can write questions down rather than talking over people and interrupting. At home we use sand timers to help him understand when transitions are about to happen.

He is on the pathway to adhd diagnosis but he is honestly a different child to the one who started reception.

Ok, that’s your decision.

But like I said, what you’re doing now isn’t working so what next?

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you're having a really tough time.

No one on this thread knows if he has additional needs (and 5 is still young enough where behaviour might point towards SEN, or it might be within the 'normal' range of behaviour). You're right though, SEN or not the challenges remain.

It sounds like you're a really good parent. Some children, for a whole host of reasons, are just more challenging to parent.

If you can, try to separate your son from his behaviour and address it almost scientifically. I'm sure you've already tried loads of approaches, but try making a list of ideas then try them for a couple of weeks, making notes on his reactions.

My three year old reacts similarly to your son if he feels 'told off', recently I have tried this really cringy approach: "Oh, you're such a kind boy but that wasn't a nice thing to do/say. Why don't you try again, I know you can do it!". It feels ridiculous when I want to tell him off but it works so well for him! Before I tried this I had used consequences, reward charts, explaining why it wasn't nice etc. Everything turned into a meltdown.

My 5 year old doesn't respond to this approach at all, but will usually stop if I give him a warning about leaving or a time out... they are all different.

You could also try speaking to his teacher. If you find out the behaviour process they use at school and this works for him, emulating it at home might help with consistency. Or they might be able to point you in the direction of some help. Barnardo's sometimes run drop in sessions for different issues. It can be aimed towards SEN children but rarely requires a diagnosis and often the advice works regardless of SEN.

Please try not to compare him or yourself to other children/parents. It's easy to assume parents with easy children are doing something 'better', but often it's the luck of the draw (my eldest is the one with diagnosed SEN, but if you judged me on his behaviour you'd think I was a much better parent than if you judged me on his younger brother!).

Absolute nonsense he can get support at school

What makes you so sure?

Some schools are better than others, but my ND child has support at their mainstream primary school and so do the children of friends at other schools so it's obviously not a complete myth.

Op I have a completely different child to yours and I don't know your child at all. I know I can't diagnose SEN over the Internet.
But your description of 'rambling' just sent my spidey senses going based on how my child communicates. There is no need to be offended by that.

And that is why schools don't mention observed difficulties in children until they are so obvious that they are impossible to miss. Has he had a hearing test lately? If not, I suggest you start there, a loud voice can be an Indicator.

The point is that you have to work out what works for your child. Consequences haven't yet, what did you do after the bite on Monday?

I've said I do screen removal, physical removal, countdowns towards anything ending or beginning, proactively manage hunger and thirst, pré warn when we go out. All of those things I learnt what worked for my child. Your child is reacting differently, so learn what works. What are they seeing at home? I realised I was overly shouty with my first and really dialled it down and over modelled not getting cross, doing things at a quiet volume etc.

From a personal POV the constant noise may well be his hearing. If he can't hear properly he will have no concept of how loud he is. I was that child.

Are you a single parent, or do you have a partner or husband? How much does your husband or partner get involved in childcare? How old is your toddler? How would you describe your stress level?