To think my child is difficult

[Letsgoupstairs]

That sounds really horrible and negative but …

I don’t think he has additional needs, although I haven’t entirely ruled it out. But he is not an easy child at all and although I feel like a real failure for admitting this, I just don’t enjoy him.I don’t enjoy spending time with him or his company. And that’s horrible.

My son was quite like this until he was 5 years old. He’s almost 7 now and SO much calmer. Even a year and a half has made a hell of a difference in terms of his maturity and calmness.

My son has a stammer - especially when excited/tired - and also rambles. His stammer doesn’t affect his love of speaking, though, which is good! I find, actually, the worse his stammer/more rambly his speech, the sillier his behaviour. Quite a lot of it must come back to tiredness and overstimulation. He can also be very clumsy.

Echoing a pp in asking if it’s a stammer your son could have? Stammering isn’t necessarily the classical “p - p - p please”, it can also manifest as repeating the same word at the start of a sentence, eg my son might say, “mummy, m-mummy, when when when are we setting off to swimming?” - so once he gets going he’s fine.

Stammering is neurodivergence in itself - the brain is literally wired differently, as can be seen on brain scans, for a stammerer both hemispheres are active during speech instead of just one. So there might be handful of other symptoms from the general “pool” of symptoms that seem to be associated with other conditions, eg impulsivity or problems wit emotional self regulation.

On the plus side, it does seem to make my son more creative though, especially with language/vocabulary. Is your son good at language too, rambling aside?

Is your son bright, kind, sensitive, just needs support with self-regulation/not over-reacting?

Kids come on in leaps and bounds at this age. My advice (based only on my experience) would be, make sure he gets enough sleep, have a good routine, not too much screen time, maybe a Yoto player/audiobooks, lots of play dates to help with practising self-regulation… and he will hopefully become a lot easier in time!

Fair enough! Sorry to miss the point there! It's hard to withstand when they get angry and upset. Quite important you do mind.

My child is diagnosed with inattentive adhd and the way you have outlined your child's speech makes me think it's a possibility, obviously I could be completely wrong.

I hope it gets easier soon, it is half term which doesn't help!

I don’t know. I haven’t ruled anything out, but I have to admit when I’m with a group of other boys he doesn’t seem to stand out especially, or at all to be honest. He can be fine but when he’s not it’s very difficult to manage.

That said I wouldn’t be astonished at all if something was ‘amiss’ but given no concerns from school or from nursery when he was there I don’t think I’ll get very far pursuing a diagnosis and I’m reluctant to anyway - it isn’t as if it opens the doors to support and I worry it can end up being a self fulfilling prophecy. My main worry is our relationship.

Perhaps reset your expectations of a 5yo a bit.

You can't really read a book when they're around. That's an evening luxury.

Join him in with what you're doing, even in short bursts. Find joy in what he finds joy in. My 5yo will dust for 5 minutes, then do their own thing, then come back and see what I'm doing 5 minutes later. It's normal for their attention span at that age.

It sounds like he's your only child, in which case you become default play mate as well as parent. That is more draining!

With the eating, have you showed him how to be less messy. I know it sounds basic but saying "be less messy" doesn't work. Model what you mean. "sit up and over your plate", "make sure food is in small enough pieces to go into your mouth", "here's a wipe if you get some on your cheek, clothes". With an ice cream show how to lick the bottom to stop melting.

He won’t be like this forever - I try and remember that when things are particularly shit. ❤️

So i feel you first of all! You’re not going to vibe with everyone including your own kids at all times.

Regardless of any diagnosis he does seem to have some ND traits, as do my kids, and I found it quite freeing to acknowledge that and that’s why certain things felt hard with them.

You also can change the tone - e.g. you don’t just need to listen to him with the constant speaking - “mummy is speaking now, listen up!” Or in your book example - does he want to read it or does he just want to verbal dump what he knows? Would that situ be nicer for you if you were e.g. making the bed or folding some washing and said to him “tell me about planets”. He might enjoy that more too.

Intense people are just that, so make sure you plan time in your day to recover/have quiet time etc.

I haven’t mentioned books @Happytaytos . It’s honestly nothing to do with wanting to do my own thing; I’m over five years into this parenting journey and I know this. But I kind of expect him not to be biting other kids, lying on the floor of a filthy play centre, trashing the house, you know? It’s those sorts of expectations … maybe I a expecting too much but equally other kids don’t seem to behave like it.

@2026Y i’m not struggling with a toddler … it isn’t that parenting him is hard because he’s so young. In many ways he’s easier than my younger child as he is more independent. What he isn’t is enjoyable, is the awful truth.

Biting absolutely not OK. What's the consequence? There must be something he cares about.

Lying on the floor - normal ime.

Trashing the house - not OK but why's he doing it? Is he not supervised?

Apologies I thought you said you were reading when he was trying to talk to you, misread that bit.

OP was reading a book with her ds, not sitting there trying to read her own book and trying to ignore him!

My son was a nightmare from about 2 to about 8ish. Honestly I felt like I was in an abusive relationship and I was walking on eggshells all the time trying not to upset him. Like you say consequences just didn’t work with him they’d trigger him and make things worse. We’ve had to be so so strict with him and no budge and inch.

If I’m honest I hated spending time with him, he’d ruin holidays, days out. He was constantly getting into clashes with other kids at school.

I’m happy to report he’s now 10 and lovely, he’s my little mate. I was talking to the vicar at his school the other day and he was saying how he couldn’t believe the change in him and how he’s so well behaved he could be the head boy.

My son says that he wasn’t in control of his brain before I’m not sure what that means but he’s like a different child. He’s now able to regulate himself like he couldn’t before, I sometimes see flashes of the old difficult child but I can see him pull himself out of it.

I just wanted you to know that there is hope

Oh, I understand now! Yes, I was reading WITH ds. I would totally expect to be interrupted numerous times if I was reading for my own pleasure!

The rambling wouldn’t bother me so much as a) it’s really draining and b) it sort of adds to that nothing really being enjoyable feeling. We had a horrible day on Monday and a lot of the time I feel really embarrassed by his behaviour - I know that shouldn’t be a consideration but it is; I could live with him being surly and stroppy behind closed doors.

Thanks @happygarden , that does give me hope. There is a nice child in there but like you say he seems to spoil stuff and gets into clashes and annoys and goads.

Is he biting at school?

The embarrassment does add an extra layer to it all OP I agree. Does he clash with you whilst out or other children?

I'd find him clashing with other children really hard to deal with. Could you set expectations before you go that you will warn him once and then leave? I know it might not be ideal with your other child but it seems like there needs to be a change if he's going to change.

Ok, so regardless of diagnoses or not, you need strategies.

‘Mummy … mummy … you know mummy … mummy, you know, you know Mars is, mummy, it’s, Mars is, mummy, it’s not hard, it is not hard mummy …’

"Sam, take a deep breath, I'm listening. What do you want to say about Mars?" When he's finished "Oh, so Mars is <insert key phrase from his rambling>? That is interesting. Ok, let's read the next bit."

Sometimes they just need time and help to organise their thoughts.

The hitting:

The Red Beast https://amzn.eu/d/07MSJ5Pt is a really good story book. It talks about anger being like a red beast. As he 'wakes up' (gets angry), his eyes get smaller, so he can't see clearly. His ears get smaller, so he can't hear, and his mouth gets bigger, so he shouts, etc.

Does your DS seem worse when he's hungry or thirsty? DD3 used to get 'hangry' and when she was young we made an agreement when she was calm that if I said 'eat' or 'drink' she had to eat or drink whatever was put in front of her. I used to give her some orange juice and a digestive biscuit. I'd literally say 'Eat' and offer the biscuit to her lips, then 'Drink'. Within about 10 minutes she was calm. She just couldn't regulate her emotions.

Messy eating - try to pin down why. Is he distracted by his environment so not paying attention? Is he over excited so being impulsive/silly? Is he not aware of how hard he's holding something so it crumbles and crushes? Does he struggle to sit still so he's knocking food/drink over? Does he struggle with his motor skills? Is he clumsy so he's dropping it? Is he not very good at knowing where his mouth is, so he's missing it and getting it on his face? Does it feel nice to have sauce/chocolate around his mouth?

In terms of your relationship - go easy on yourself. It's intense and annoying. But also go easy on him. He's probably not just irritating you for the sake of it. Something is causing this, even if it is just immaturity.

Re the reading thing, sounds like he was interested in Mars, trying to say something and as he rambled you didn't engage with him. If he's problems with communication then why not engage with him when hes trying to talk to you, not ahut him down.

@Letsgoupstairs i think my point still stands though - every age is different and has different challenges. Behaviour, interests and activities you can share change too. Little things like being able to go for a run with my 4yo on his bike have made a massive difference to my life. Little things like this change often x

That’s a good strategy for the rambling @Lougle . Thanks. Can be tricky getting a word in edgeways though! And it isn’t just when you’re reading, it’s constant and feels so draining as you’re constantly listening to nothing. It probably is normal but combined with the sheer sort of energy and loudness of him is really emotionally draining and tiring. Sorry - back to the point, good idea!

The hitting / biting is both weird and frustrating. (It doesn’t tend to happen at school.) Ds has a very passionate sense of justice but this doesn’t always translate into what’s actually fair. So Monday we’re at an event about trains (yeah I know, but he liked it.) There was a mini train you could ride on and ds was enjoying it, fine, but other kids wanted a go. So I chivvied him off (he’d been on a while) and at first he refused; stroppy defiance, mulish ‘no’ sort of thing. Eventually came off but then the other child’s backside had literally just made contact with the train and ds is trying to bustle him off ‘it’s my turn.’ I’m explaining no it isn’t. Ds is refusing to listen, lying on the filthy floor ( 🤢) in protest. I can’t do anything and neither can my other child as Ds won’t stop trying to harass other kids off this train. Finally got him away as I had to say in the end … look, we’ll have to go if you won’t stop this and then he shot off into the soft play bit, next thing I know he’s bitten another kid 🤦🏼‍♀️

Honestly five seems way too old to me for that. But I don’t know.

@Daysgo you honestly cannot get a word in, if you try he just starts shouting! I mean that’s a small thing it just adds to the feeling that time spent with him isn’t enjoyable really. I am sure he feels the same

I found setting out very clear (simple) expectations helpful, with some sort of reward at the end.

When we get outside, you will hold mummy's hand and walk nicely to the park. If you do that you can have 12 goes on the slide etc.

Numbers of times on things were popular. It gave him some focus on arrival. As did distraction or pretending he wouldn't be able to do something. I bet you can't see a number 8 on a door type thing. Didn't like to do what he was asked, liked proving me wrong!

But he could only take one instruction at a time. For my daughter saying 'go to the front door, open the box, get your shoes and put them on' was fine even from a young age. My son, no chance.

You may need to change how you talk to him as well as the other way round.

In terms of expectations, no you can't have biting or hitting but perhaps let e.g the roaring go or build it into something. Before we go outside, let's see who can do the loudest roar, go.

Get him outside. Take a thermal mug of tea with you. It makes sitting in a park you really want to leave much easier.

Sorry if this sounds patronising. I get that it's hard and that some things just don't work.

That is very basic; we are beyond that, way beyond it. I’m not an idiot or someone with very limited intelligence and it would be good if people didn’t treat me as if I am.

Does he pick up on your hang ups about the floor? It won't be much worse than the floor anywhere else!

In that example I'd have gone home when he bit. I'd have physically got him off the train, held him and said "you've had a turn, now it's someone else's go, you have to wait 2 minutes before you go back, we can sit here until you're calm".

Sounds like my DS, who is an adult now, he is not diagnosed ADHD, I did want to get him referred when he was about 6/7 but ExH and DM wouldn't let me so I just got on with it

My son definitely has ADHD, he won't refer himself because he doesn't want medication that will change who he is. He has grown into a very bright, clever, sensitive (not sensible 😂) thoughtful young man.

I have also been diagnosed.

Has he had a speech and language assessment? He sounds like he is struggling to communicate. There could be a language delay that's not been picked up because he has all the right speech sounds, it's common for people (even professionals) to forget there is the language part to development as well as speech.

In my whole post of biting, refusing to let others have a turn and being stroppy and hitting out at me when I try to speak to him, the floor is what we’re focusing on 😂 OK then. And yes, it was fucking disgusting but on its own wouldn’t have been noteworthy, just that … yeah, I don’t see any other five year olds habitually lying on the floor.

No one’s mentioned anything @JLou08 ; perhaps it’s naive of me but I’m assuming they would have. He has another parents evening at school in a couple of weeks where I’m hoping to mention some concerns I have, or maybe the teacher will do so first.