To think my child is difficult

[Letsgoupstairs]

That sounds really horrible and negative but …

I don’t think he has additional needs, although I haven’t entirely ruled it out. But he is not an easy child at all and although I feel like a real failure for admitting this, I just don’t enjoy him.I don’t enjoy spending time with him or his company. And that’s horrible.

I've got three sons, one was a nightmare. If it's any comfort he's a lovely adult, probably the most thoughtful of the three although he can still get a bit fixated on things. He has a great degree, job, wife, child, lots of friends. At five he was an angry aggressive horror although like your son there were no issues at school.

I have no magic suggestions but maybe hope for the future

I have a DS and a DD 2.5 years younger. At 5, DS was very similar to how you describe yours. Whereas DD has always responded in the 'normal' way to punishments and consequences and is an easy child.

At 5, I thought DS was strong willed, boisterous, a handful... By 7, his difficult behaviours had become worse and there was a huge gulf between his behaviour and that of his peers. I eventually told the GP, was referred to CAMHS and he was diagnosed with ADHD, ASD and ODD and has crippling anxiety. CAMHS themselves aren't brilliant in my experience but his diagnoses have led to lots of extra support at school, and we've learned techniques to support him both from school and from other resources

This sounds really tough and I feel for you. I hear that you don't think this is to do with neurodiversity - fair enough. However, what I will say is that in my DS's case, it became obvious (to me anyway) only in his late teens that he was ND and I suddenly understood that some of his behaviours which drove me mad were not a choice. He has not been diagnosed, but I have read up on some aspects of his traits which have been a challenge all his life and which I dealt with pretty badly as he was growing up. I feel sad, looking back, that I didn't clock the situation earlier. Now, I am able to be much more patient, to handle things in a much better way and to accept him as he is much more readily. (I should say that he was a very different child from your son, so I can't really help in terms of advice there.)

What I am trying to say is that whether or not your son is ND, and whether or not you get a diagnosis, it's about getting strategies to cope. That is what you are doing by posting here, which is great, and hopefully you've been given some good ideas. There will be other forums you can post on too, or just generally google behaviours and you will find lots online. You already know that your son's behaviour is a bit unusual as you have a younger child who is much 'easier', so this is not a question of 'poor parenting', but parenting a challenging child requires different strategies than those you might use for an 'easier' child. If you can get these in place, hopefully you will be able to enjoy your little boy more. Good luck x

One book you might find useful is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Not everyone likes it but it has a different approach to managing kids who respond badly to consequences. I found it super-useful for understanding what was going on in my DC's mind and some of the strategies were great for keeping things calm at home, and it doesn't depend on any specific diagnosis.

Hi OP, I have a similar child.

A book I found really useful was Jeffrey Bernstein's 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child. There are lots of tips of what to do and insights into why behaviours might be occurring.

@Wolffie17 I am keeping an open mind. I am not saying he isn’t and I am equally not saying he is. What I am saying I suppose is at this time there is insufficient information to either access any additional support or to pursue a diagnosis (and I would only do either if I really thought they would benefit him and even though the general thought on here is that it is always beneficial, I have reservations and it is something I would have to give some thought too if and when any issues become more prevalent.)

Right now, we’ve had a good day and if you asked me now ‘do you think your child has additional needs?’ I would say no. I am very much leaning towards the hearing and ears being the source of much of the problems, although I do think he’s an active and better when he’s out of doors. But Monday was awful. We’ll see. I think it’s important to keep an open mind but that does work two ways - not assuming that he is ND is harmful just as much as insisting that he is.

It will definitely be good to get the hearing checked. I think what others are saying when they encourage you to look into SEN is that it can help you cope, never mind if there is support out there or not. To give you some examples, one of my son's issues is interoception. I had never heard this term until recently, but it basically means that he has difficulty recognising hunger cues, and sometimes confuses hunger feelings with anxiety. I learned to cope with it, but it would have been so helpful to know that was a 'thing' and not get so exasperated with all the knock-on implications of the condition. He also has alexithymia - again, new to me until recently - a kind of 'emotional blindness' whereby he simply can't identify or articulate what he is feeling at times. Neither of these conditions has affected his school life at all; it wasn't a question of needing external support. However, I do wish we had understood it all earlier because quite honestly I was so hard on him at times and I really regret that.

@TheVeryThing oh yes, Laura Markham - I'd forgotten her! I found her stuff useful around this age.

I think you're quite lucky to have another child as a comparison, OP. I just assumed DH and I were crap at parenting as I had nothing to compare to.

It can be a big relief to find a description in a book you can relate to!

Same here.

The other thing is it (very belatedly) gave me insight into some of DH's more puzzling behaviours. Him too actually.

He does actually sound like he could be neurodivergent - probably ADHD. Biting is unusual with a 5yo - but probably less so with a neurodivergent child - could it be that does it when overwhelmed? Or is it poor impulse control?

The messy eating is also common with neurodivergent people - due to poor proprioception.

The thing with consequences not working - childrwn with ADHD can forget about rules in the heat of the moment and can struggle with delayed consequences.

My DC2 was diagnosed at age 20 with ADHD (and dyslexia at 18 after finishing A-Levels).Neither the primary nor secondary school noticed either of these conditions. The secondary school even gave DC2 a load of screener questionnaires for several conditions including ADHD, and they came out as ‘normal’. I asked DC2’s psychiatrist why these screeners came out as normal and she said that is often the case with young people because they are not very self aware.

You say there is no support - but there is medication for ADHD. It has been around for decades and is very effective.

Ear oozing can be a burst ear drum. Hasnt he complained?
my eldest was similar (biting etc) and has asd/adhd.
But in your case maybe its glue ear?
However mine did also have a lot of burst drums - always with pain and temperature though

The first time I was firm with my son after grommets he cried.

Before that I'd been much stricter in tone but he obviously couldn't hear the difference.

Looking back the worst of the behaviour was in places with a lot of background noise.

Also turned out he needed fairly strong glasses at 9 despite not showing any signs and school also not having any concerns (I only took him because I was worried about my younger child).

There could be all sorts of things underlying this from physical to his personality.

You'll probably have to accept it will be a lot of trial and error in what helps and what doesn't.

The constant derailing of ‘must be SEN’ is wearing very thin…..It’s really not helpful.

Why? Nobody is saying it must be SEN. It is worth looking into. That is all.

oh come on

no they are not

by page 3 he’s been diagnosed by internet and by page 5 I am the worlds worst mum for not going to the gp AT ONCE!

You’re overreacting and exaggerating. It is a perfectly legitimate suggestion - as are all the other suggestions. It would be more constructive to say why you disagree.

Of course I am; it was intended for comedic purposes. But a fair few posters would not consider that just maybe where were alternative possibilities for some of the behaviour.

That feels a little unfair. You've described a child who is still biting at 5 (uncommon after age 3), does not respond to firm voice and becomes enraged by it (uncommon in typically developing children), lacking awareness of his volume (common in SN), unable to use joint attention (talks over you when you read a book), unable to eat neatly, extremely active, and pinging from harassing children on their activity, to biting a child in soft play, within minutes.

It is highly likely that something is not typical about your DS. You say that your DD doesn't behave like this, you're bothered by it, and you're asking for support, so I'm ruling out permissive parenting.

Either seek assessment or don't, your choice. But don't pretend that people are crazy for suggesting that there may be some sort of SN at play.

I admire you OP. You are struggling with your child but you are refusing to jump on the SEN ADHD bandwagon. I dont care if I get flamed for saying that!
He is a difficult child, I had 3 and one was so challenging at age 3 to 5 I could have given him away at times but was a different child aged 9.
It really irritates me that these days a lot of parents cant wait to jump on the 'Get the child diagnosed' train which comes at great cost to the education system and therefore deprives other children. Of course it often comes with benefits. Children are given screens before they can speak, they are fed rubbish fast food, have little interaction with parents who prefer to be on the phone and dont know what a book is for. Its almost like a badge of honour to get a child diagnosed. They have to carry that diagnosis for life when half the time it is lack of parental guidance at the root of the problem. Quite why we prefer to label our children so easily is beyond me.

I really think he has a delay in his language - particularly expressive and hence behaviour which is physical. Look up DLD. A good speech and language therapist will be worth gold - some therapeutic one to one support now will really pay dividends later on.

I would be surprised if the OP said that she used screens as a substitute for parenting, rubbish food, and preferred to be on her phone, so your general judgement is irrelevant.

It is only a cost to the education system if the support given is not warranted. If it is warranted, the cost of provision saves society money in the long run by helping children to reach their potential, or at least reach a point of independence, which reduces their dependency on state resources.

There is no bandwagon to jump on to.

Ive got 3 DC. DC 2 & 3 were/are incredibly difficult, strong willed & defiant. DC1 was always easy going & fairly compliant.

DC 1 & 2 are now adults & are both funny, interesting & a pleasure to spend time with.

DC3 is still little but I'm hoping will come out of it by adulthood like DC2 did.

Hang in there - eventually mine worked out ok!

I think today's penchant for diagnosis is really concerning. It can totally be a double edged sword. Yes you can get support. But you also get support. That can go either way. Life doesn't always allow for 'support' in the sense of special dispensation.

This is bizarre. Everything you mention is completely and utterly within the realms of normal of a young child. Bizarre. No wonder we have an epidemic of teenagers and young people unable to cope. They've been told they're special needs, not 'typical', 'divergent', 'not normal.' Imagine getting those messages as a child your entire life. It's actually really rude.

I've got coeliac disease. It affects my daily life in various ways. It's been useful to know what the issue is so I could change my diet.

My daughter's diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. It affects her daily life in various ways. It's been useful to know what the issue is so we could change our parenting.

If we're talking labels, "fussy eater" and "difficult" are also labels. Quite judgemental ones.