To ask DH to consider changing hobby?

[Rigglepop]

At the minute DH plays a sport on a Monday evening 6-7pm. He plays in the city and the traffic is awful so he leaves at 5pm and gets home around 7.45pm. Pre kids this was no problem but now I’m struggling with this and I’m not sure if I’m BU.

I’ve asked if he can play the sport closer to home and/or at a later time (ie 7-8 or 8-9). The sport is available close by and at those times. He says no as he’s made friends with the guys he plays the sport with and because he is fully remote for work this is the main opportunity he gets for socialising.

For context we both work full time, he works mon to fri (based at home) and I work full time Mon-Thurs 30 mins from home (longer days because I compress full time hours over 4 days). I look after our son on my day off on a Friday to save on childcare costs. I earn considerably more than DH and wouldn’t consider changing jobs for better conditions.

On a Monday I’m out the house from 6am - 5.15pm and pick our son up from nursery on the way home. I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime.

I know I’m being unreasonable but just feeling a bit fed up. Probably because there’s no time for me to do hobbies by the time I work such long days and do the commute. Any advice and words of wisdom (or otherwise!) welcome

THIS

I had a friend like this. She did it all. The screamed for daddy 🙄

I Told her to go out of house and let him deal with it

which he did

I said before don’t let toddlers dictate stuff

some parents are mad

YABU it’s one day a week

😂😂😂😂 I was tempted…..

@WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing and I then assume it is okay for him to do bugger all the other evenings as he has to recover

I think if it's just once a week and otherwise he pulls his weight then YABU. It's good that he's got a group of friends to socialize with weekly especially as he otherwise works from home. It's really not that long/late.

No that’s not acceptable, he should be pulling his weight at home. But one evening a week isn’t too much to ask. OP should be carving the same out for herself too x

Op sounds like she prioritises her time with her child. she says in one of her posts that she doesn't want to do her hobby after work as she likes to have an hour to play with her dc, copied below.

Once I’m home I’m straight in to cooking dinner, packing lunches. Then by the time we’ve had dinner I want to play with my little one for an hour before getting ready for bed.

I think she was trying to say her compressing her work hours leaves a day where she can be at home with her child which saves her family that extra day's fees at nursery.

@Rigglepop Your dh needs to do more of the chores at home. it's clear you don't resent his hobby, more the fact that he can just swan out the door without a second glance back at all the chores that need doing at home, especially one with children.

@pinkspeakers he doesn’t pull his weight that is the problem

@WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing maybe he needs to start pulling his weight first before he gets his evening out

Your husband needs to cook sometimes too. And make his kid his lunches. That would help a lot. Why isn’t he these things, OP?

I would gladly spend every day with him but unfortunately the bills don’t pay themselves. I’m in Scotland where we get zero support towards childcare costs until they are 3 (DS is 1). I’d love nothing more than to go part time but we simply can’t afford to survive on that

I get up that early so I have about 45 mins make my lunch & breakfast, make DS breakfast, do a couple of chores like put in a load of laundry & put on the dishwasher if they need doing then 5am-6am is my hour of peace to get washed, eat, have my coffee, do my hair and make up, get dressed before waking up my little boy, we then spend half hour having his breakfast and cuddles before I start getting him ready for school

I work 8 hours my partner works 12 hours so by the time he is home and out of the shower it's nearly 7pm so if I left cooking/bedtime to him it would all be too late, he does a few jobs like empty the dishwasher, empty the bins but most of it does fall on me 🫠 my son is 4 and for most of his little life my partner has been busy caring for his mum as she had parkinsons and he had to go round almost daily and deal with all her shopping, cleaning, medication, dr/hospital appointmes etc, he had so much put on him that i never asked for help, she died recently so I guess now i can get him to start picking up more jobs at home

Find a hobby that you want to do in a friday night as your off all day he can take over the childcare duties snd tea cooking when he gets in from work and you go out for a few hours
Perfect solution

Of course she wants to spend time with her child that goes without saying
Theres not many parents who choose to work full time and pay for a nursery place to get away from their kids is there?

😂😂😂 this has got to be a joke though seriously..you have 1 child im guessing as you don't mention others..please get in the real world..so on a Sunday night why dint you get your sons clothes and yours ready for the week..you get those things you can hang on his door put them in there ready to grab each day and sort yours out ready also..no rushing in the evenings..get DH to have to have his son or both of you do some meals ready for dinners during the week on Sunday afternoon/evening..prep ready for the week..i know you're thinking i don't want to waste my Sunday but you're saving your evenings and your poor husband can have his 1 night with his friends still..

I hope your DH has good life insurance & you get organised so he can continue to have a hobby. It's healthy to have a hobby, to do something other than home & work.

it's also healthy for your marriage to give the other person the space to be 'them'.

Hi OP are you using tax free childcare? You get 20% of your childcare paid via this. You can both earn 100k each and still qualify.

To answer your original question I think this is ok. My husband plays football twice a week and is out similar times. We have 4 children and I do dread it especially bath and bed at times but the hobby really helps his MH. As others have said could he make the dinner or something to help?

He already picks up from childcare 3 out of 4 nights. The OP picks up on a Monday as he's at her sisters and it's on her way home.

im not seeing this is his unwillingness to 'do his share' as much as her need to 'be in charge & be the one DS 'wants' & in control of meals efc'

Get used to make 5 days of pack lunches for dc on the sunday. And have them in little boxes in fridge. Id just make sandwich fresh each night

Did I write this in my sleep. It feels oddly identical to my situation in every sense

You don't have to let your DC refuse your DH putting him to bed. When DP started putting DS to bed it took longer and there was lots of crying and upset. But we got through it and now he sometimes asked for DP and is fine with either of us unless he's ill. Being held and comforted while they are upset is fine. If you want this to change then you both need to commit to it. No taking over even if it's taking ages at first. I recommend it: it was a big help in DH and DS building a relationship.

You also could do with changing the balance of the evening work. I hate cooking, but I still do it on the days I'm home earlier (fortunately usually only 2 days a week). Your DH can step up and cook/make lunches some days.

Is it a secret sport?

One day a week for a couple of hours you can’t really moan

WFH can be isolating and lonely long term, men are more likely to be inherently awful at talking about how they feel.

As only 1 evening I know it’s awkward, but I would aim to let this one pass. Maybe you have an evening pass even if you go to sleep early or see friends?

Yeah the bigger issue is he is not doing his share of cooking and bedtimes. If you go out and he has to put wee one to bed they will both get used to it. My wee bit wouldn’t go down with my partner if he knew I was in the house but was fine if I was out. You should definitely do something for yourself one night of the week. Yoga, swimming, reformer Pilates or
the gym has been so good for my mh over the years, does he do housework?