To ask DH to consider changing hobby?

[Rigglepop]

At the minute DH plays a sport on a Monday evening 6-7pm. He plays in the city and the traffic is awful so he leaves at 5pm and gets home around 7.45pm. Pre kids this was no problem but now I’m struggling with this and I’m not sure if I’m BU.

I’ve asked if he can play the sport closer to home and/or at a later time (ie 7-8 or 8-9). The sport is available close by and at those times. He says no as he’s made friends with the guys he plays the sport with and because he is fully remote for work this is the main opportunity he gets for socialising.

For context we both work full time, he works mon to fri (based at home) and I work full time Mon-Thurs 30 mins from home (longer days because I compress full time hours over 4 days). I look after our son on my day off on a Friday to save on childcare costs. I earn considerably more than DH and wouldn’t consider changing jobs for better conditions.

On a Monday I’m out the house from 6am - 5.15pm and pick our son up from nursery on the way home. I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime.

I know I’m being unreasonable but just feeling a bit fed up. Probably because there’s no time for me to do hobbies by the time I work such long days and do the commute. Any advice and words of wisdom (or otherwise!) welcome

If it’s truly terrible would you consider changing your work week to Tuesday-Friday if that’s an option?

Initially thought you need to suck it up then seen your replies.

So the issue seems more that your husband doesn’t help with dinner, making lunches or bed time. That needs to change….fond yourself a hobby also and he can do dinner and bed a night or 2 a week.

What do you both do on your Saturdays and Sundays?? It’s reasonable to ask for some help around the home (obviously you shouldn’t have to but men aren’t mind readers either).
Honestly, I’d say let him have his 2.5-3hrs on a Monday and maybe be thankful he isn’t a weekend golfer 🏌️
When kids are younger it is difficult to spread yourself thin and for me, having coffee with a friend became my hobby😁 There just be a couple of hours somewhere for you to find something for yourself to build into a hobby (or time without the little ones).

Yabu. It’s not his fault you have a longer working day and then feel you can’t do anything after. But you have three days you could do something in the evening or the day during the weekend and he looks after the child

@bondix and @ThisZanyPinkSquid it’s not helping, it’s parenting and doing chores. We don’t describe all the household chores and parenting that OP does as helping. She isn’t a SAHP either. They both work FT and she is the highest earner, so at the very least he should be doing 50% of everything

Even you can’t let each other have one evening off a week to do a hobby then things are pretty grim. You need an evening off too.

@Franjipanl8r she needs him to step up massively. He seems to get every evening off, the other evenings are just at home whilst OP runs around doing everything

I think it's reasonable for him to prepare dinner before he leaves on a monday night. He can also sort lunches while you are putting your kid to bed. I've been there with mummy preference at bedtime but you really should work as a team to get towards 50:50 bedtimes. You going out of the house one night a week for your own hobby would be a great start to that. We started the transition by DH doing certain tasks like bath etc being the fun daddy and then me doing the actual bedtime, then he'd come in and read the story, then we would explain that it's mummy's turn and daddy's turn for bedtime. You can make small steps towards where you'd like to be as long as you have a supportive partner. Is he supportive? Not cooking isn't a great omen.

Your DH should be doing some cooking on his lunch breaks to take the toll off you, even doing so on a Monday so it's all prepped for you would take the pressure off when he's out. He could do it a few times a week so you can have some time after work bit before bed for some you time too. If your little one wants you at bedtime then your DH needs to balance out that by doing another element of household/child orientation task to take the pressure off you.

In the nicest way possible, please get a hobby another night a week and leave him to it that night- that's fair and will make you feel better. That's what Dh & I do - I struggle sometimes on his hobby night, and think I would be resentful towards him if I didn't have my hobby another evening.

Doing a hobby one night a week is fine, even with a bit of travel time. But he needs to pull his weight on the cooking. Especially if he’s working from home!! He could bung some stuff in the slow cooker in the morning before he logs on and check it at lunchtime etc.

Yes! I always find with these threads, the thing the person is annoyed about is the tip of the iceberg.

OP needs to balance out the load here so she won’t feel so burdened.

“maybe be thankful he isn’t a weekend golfer 🏌️”

Jesus, the bar is low isn’t it?!

and having to ask for “help” from a grown adult that is 50% responsible for the home - I can’t 🤣

The one night out a week with his hobby is not a problem. He needs to be doing more towards food..I wfh and my husband is out at work. He gets home later than I finish but he still will cook one or two nights a week and then at the weekends we do whatever. He also needs to start doing bedtimes. Why are you letting little one dictate that? Our son has been through months at a time where he cries if daddy does bedtime. You are the parent and you need to plough through that and get to the other side. Make it fun. My husband tells him stories about his soft toys coming to life. He still at 7 cries and wants me but you are setting yourself up to fail if you carry on with that.

Although it does sound tiring for you, I think for this particular question, YABU. One evening a week is fine for a hobby. It's not easy carving out time around young kids and ft work, but it's so important. I think the issue is more that you have compressed hours plus a commute, so less downtime on work days so these days are tiring. Also, your DH could do more to balance the load. Can you think of something (or several small things) he could do that would make a difference to your life?

It is a shame you can't fit in anything for yourself as this is no doubt adding to your exhaustion and resentment as there's nothing that's just for yourself to look forward to. If not an evening, the weekend?

It’s one night and ultimately why compressed hours aren’t a great idea IMO as it makes the other days very long. YABU. Batch cook a dinner you just need to heat up and get the clothes and lunch ready on the Sunday.

Or get him to prep dinner in the slow cooker and sort clothes and lunches whilst hes on his lunch break

OP - isn't the actual problem that overall you are doing the majority of the childcare/cooking, working full time hours like him and even contributing more economically? It therefore probably feels like you're pulling too much weight in the relationship and it needs rebalancing with him taking more responsibility at home..

YABU
Its one night a week and its his social support network not just his hobby.

If it was more often and he didn't work from home it would be a different story.

YABU. The fact that it's his social life is very important as he WFH.

As it is only one day a week, and he gets back at 7.45pm, allow him to sort lunches and the clothes when he gets back.
Make sure you have “your evening” another night.
My husband trains for marathons and can be out running after work for several hours, several times a week. I know other husbands who go to the gym, pub etc… One night a week is much more forgiving.

5:15 isn’t late to get home. I don’t get why he would need to make tea before he goes

@RedToothBrush have you missed the fact that OP does pretty much all chores and parenting all week even though she works FT too

You need to rejig the chores. He works at home. He can easily put a load of washing on. He can get a slow cooker and get meals prepped.
what is he doing while you put kid to bed?

he can put your kid to bed. He needs to start doing it. If you are out of the house then your kid will accept it. Start the routine together rather than cold turkey. Then start stepping out and coming back in room.

while you are doing bedtime then husband should be tidying kitchen, resetting lounge and running hoover over. Folding up clothes etc.

find an activity you enjoy and need to leave at 5pm for.

don’t be gaslit

look at bored of lunch on I stagra m - amazing. Slow cooked and air fryer recipes

But thats a different conversation.

He should do that. But he shouldn't give up on the one social evening he has.