To ask DH to consider changing hobby?

[Rigglepop]

At the minute DH plays a sport on a Monday evening 6-7pm. He plays in the city and the traffic is awful so he leaves at 5pm and gets home around 7.45pm. Pre kids this was no problem but now I’m struggling with this and I’m not sure if I’m BU.

I’ve asked if he can play the sport closer to home and/or at a later time (ie 7-8 or 8-9). The sport is available close by and at those times. He says no as he’s made friends with the guys he plays the sport with and because he is fully remote for work this is the main opportunity he gets for socialising.

For context we both work full time, he works mon to fri (based at home) and I work full time Mon-Thurs 30 mins from home (longer days because I compress full time hours over 4 days). I look after our son on my day off on a Friday to save on childcare costs. I earn considerably more than DH and wouldn’t consider changing jobs for better conditions.

On a Monday I’m out the house from 6am - 5.15pm and pick our son up from nursery on the way home. I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime.

I know I’m being unreasonable but just feeling a bit fed up. Probably because there’s no time for me to do hobbies by the time I work such long days and do the commute. Any advice and words of wisdom (or otherwise!) welcome

@Stade197 why do you get up at 4.15am? Sounds like you do long hours too. What parenting/chores does your partner do? Single parents have no choice to do it all, you have a partner.

@KiwiFall DH could start dinner once he has collected little one from nursery

No, but I don't think I mentioned cooking at all, so I'm not sure why you're asking me this?

As far as I can see, the OP has already decided that it isn't fair that she does all the cooking. Sharing cooking has never been a problem in my house (though neither DP nor I has a penis, so this may be why), but I am familiar with the problem of feeling that only one parent can do bedtime, so that's the part of my experience I thought worth mentioning.

YABU to expect him to give up a 1 hr/week hobby (admittedly with travel time) but he could take his share to do clothes/lunches/meals (and other chores)

I think as you have rightly identified yourself the issue is that he is not preparing dinner and lunches.
It’s not reasonable for you both to work full time and him to not do half the chores and then skip on out to his hobby.

On this slight side note, when I was married and a sahp I was doing all the chores - fine, but then got divorced. Getting to my point now. Anyway, once exdh left my house I suddenly found I had two whole hours extra every day where I must have been doing chores just for him. I couldn’t even tell you what they were. Maybe an extra load of laundry, maybe putting things back where they belonged, maybe no errands, maybe less fancy food. I dunno. But what I do know is that my chores took me two hours less per day as a single parent than when I had a useless at chores bloke in the house.

Yes, whoever is home first can start it. We do a mixture of I cook, husband cooks and we cook together. Depending on who’s working where and what we’re making. It should be equal. As should the child’s bedtime. I get OP said the child doesn’t go down for DH but that’s because it’s new and alien. The OP should try and get out for one bedtime a week so her DH can do it. Yes the first few times will be tough for both of them but to stick it out.

YABU it's only one night. Why on earth are you doing both drop and pick up, especially when he WFH? What does he do between 6am and starting his work day?? And why doesn't he compress his hours to, to do a day childcare. Sounds like way bigger issues here than his hobby.

I agree, plenty of women who WFH manage to prep dinner on their lunch break. He can go to a hobby one day a week (if you get equal time to yourself another day) but he can do it without leaving you so much to do on your own

Hobbies are great and necessary. They also should work around your obligations. He can figure out how to make that work. Foot down.

My dh went through a mountain walking phase and it was 4 gym sessions a week and then all weekend on mountains.

I'm surprised you didn't push him off one of the mountains, @ForEdgyHare

Yes, you do need to start making time for yourself and not feeling guilty about it.

Pick an evening and go out then. Dc will learn to settle with your DH.

I wouldnt major on him doing dinner on a Monday night - just make sure he pulls his weight on the other nights and does his share of lunches. Or assign one person to lunches and the other to laundry or whatever.

There are no points for martyrdom. You will just end up tired, resentful, unhealthy and feeling like a nag.

On a Sunday evening, you and DH together make dinner and at the same time 2 extra dinners (only takes a bit longer) to keep in fridge for the week.
You can use one on an evening when you have your own plans.
Let DH have his hobby.

It wasn't the time spent on the sport that stood out for me but the division of labour! Why are you doing all the chores? You work full time hours. He should make at least 50% of the meals and the same for the housework.
Your child wanting you to do the bedtimes can be adapted - daddy does bath, you read story etc
Compressing your hours to save childcare costs has effectively made you the bloody housekeeper

He needs to at least start dinner on the days he is not commuting and is home earlier than you. Walking in the door at 5:15 to start thinking about food is tough. Either that or you (I mean the couple you, not you personally) need to meal prep on the weekend so that you have defrostable "ready" meals in the freezer.

The issue is 100% weaponised incompetence and NOT this particular hobby. Ds used to cry for dh at bed time too. So dh insisted I leave the house if necessary so that he and Ds could get their own routine and process going without all of us being upset thay ds was crying.

Its completely batshit that uou are working long hours, earning more and STILL doing all the work at home. And I bet that dinner and bath time is the tip of the iceberg.

Well when it’s one night a week, it can be planned for and I don’t think he’s unreasonable to want one night doing his hobby. He could make your life easier though. He could put a casserole in the slow cooker on his lunch break that day so it’s hot and ready for you the moment you’re in the door and you don’t have to cook that night.

Well when it’s one night a week, it can be planned for and I don’t think he’s unreasonable to want one night doing his hobby. He could make your life easier though. He could put a casserole in the slow cooker on his lunch break that day so it’s hot and ready for you the moment you’re in the door and you don’t have to cook that night.

I don't think the issue is you DH doing his activity one night a week but more than he doesn't help make the time for you to do the same.
Pick a night and carve that time out. It's hard to start if you DH does nothing now but but your DC will get use to your DH doing dinner and bedtime routine.

My DH does CrossFit 3 nights a week and I do a gym class 2 nights and one weekend morning a week so balance out. It took a while (and 3 DC to get to a balance) but it works now.

YABU about this one evening where he plays sport and socializes. Everyone should be able to have some time to themselves and exercise is important for all sorts of reasons.
However YANBU to expect him to do more of the chores because it sounds like he doesn't do a lot and also for him to reciprocate this evening he has free by giving you an evening free on another day of the week so you can go out an do something you want to do while he is fully responsible for everything at home.

It is not about the hobby. It is because he contributes so little. Why are you doing so much?

THese are the real issues.

If he can follow instructions at work and hold down a job, he can cook. He can make lunches. He's choosing incompetence. Don't let him.

You can go for a walk in the evenings or go for a long shower and let him deal with bedtimes half the time. Imagine if you had another child ... is he going to make you do both while he lounges? He needs to figure out bedtimes for himself... he's their parent, too.

And find yourself something to do once a week, too. He'll magically be able to do bedtime ... you'll see.

The hobby isn't the issue. The fact your DH doesn't do bedtime or help with the next day prep is likely what's causing resentment.

You need time for yourself. Find something and go do it. DH will need to get on with it.

On a Monday I’m out the house from 6am - 5.15pm and pick our son up from nursery on the way home.

My sister looks after our son on a Monday and she lives on route to/from work so it does make sense for me to drop and collect on a Monday.

Confused.....is you son at nursery or your sisters on a Monday?

Can you sister feed him dinner before you pick him up so you just need to give him a snack, or it might be more relaxing to have dinner and some time with your sister before heading home? (if you sister is up for it)

@KiwiFall agree, I have quite a few friends who loved that their child wanted mummy for bedtime. They enjoyed being indispensable and irreplaceable and the ONLY person who was acceptable for bedtime....until it became a rod for their own back.

By then it is almost too late; it is even more work than it would have been had they just started off on the right foot to begin with.

Daddy does bed time sometimes, end of. the kid might cry but they'll stop eventually, surely? They have to stop eventually. And there is nothing wrong with them, they're safe. Mum is leaving the kids with Daddy FFS not Freddie Krueger