To ask DH to consider changing hobby?

[Rigglepop]

At the minute DH plays a sport on a Monday evening 6-7pm. He plays in the city and the traffic is awful so he leaves at 5pm and gets home around 7.45pm. Pre kids this was no problem but now I’m struggling with this and I’m not sure if I’m BU.

I’ve asked if he can play the sport closer to home and/or at a later time (ie 7-8 or 8-9). The sport is available close by and at those times. He says no as he’s made friends with the guys he plays the sport with and because he is fully remote for work this is the main opportunity he gets for socialising.

For context we both work full time, he works mon to fri (based at home) and I work full time Mon-Thurs 30 mins from home (longer days because I compress full time hours over 4 days). I look after our son on my day off on a Friday to save on childcare costs. I earn considerably more than DH and wouldn’t consider changing jobs for better conditions.

On a Monday I’m out the house from 6am - 5.15pm and pick our son up from nursery on the way home. I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime.

I know I’m being unreasonable but just feeling a bit fed up. Probably because there’s no time for me to do hobbies by the time I work such long days and do the commute. Any advice and words of wisdom (or otherwise!) welcome

YANBU, your husband doesn’t deserve a hobby if he’s not pulling his weight at home. He’s stealing your time with his laziness, so he can have more time for himself.

Ok so let him do the sport.
But why can’t he do dinner? If you invested in something like an instant pot he could do it in his lunch break and it would be ready and waiting for when you got home?
Also surely he could stick in some washing or whatever.
My husband did a sport tonight, but before he went he made the kids tea and sat with the kids while they ate (I sat in the living room for 30 mins watching something in this time enjoying the quiet before the storm!)

Unbelievable that he scoots out on a monday and you come home from work with two children to make dinner and lunches.

Un fxxking believable.
Wake up.
He's a lazy selfish arsehole to have you come home to that.
What is the point of him exactly.
Dinner and lunches done.
He needs to step up.
He's a selfish loser.

@RedToothBrush maybe he doesn’t deserve his one social night when he does bugger all the rest of the week so OP can’t have any social or even just me time

There’s nothing wrong with him going out without making tea first. Coming home at 5:15 and needing to get tea ready is not strange.

however he should take on some cooking during the week. Sounds like he does a lot of the nursery drop offs and collections and based on the time op leaves probably gets the child ready in the morning.

we don’t know anything about op not being able to go out other than thinking she needs so all bedtimes. She needs to also just go out once a week or so and leave him to it.

I second the Bored of Lunch cook books - amazing easy slow cooker dinners. Literally chuck everything in and go.

Let husband have his Monday evenings but you need to have one too. Build up to alternating bedtimes so you get some space.

Slow cooker or easy dinners. Husband needs to help with this too.

I work four days and husband WFH too in the same set up as you but my hours are 9-5. But sharing responsibilities and having our own time is vital.

Good luck

One night per week is not extreme at all.
Your DH is entitled to hobby with the people he wants to remain friends with.

You both need to make it easier on you.

DH could routinely batch cook a couple of meals especially for that Monday evening.
Hire a cleaner.
Give yourself a regular time away from childcare at another time.
Always talk about and plan for the coming weeks. Things will change as your children grow. Together try to work out ways where you all get what you need.

Sometimes sacrifices need to be made, often one offs when there is illness but you are adults - so design an appropriate life, long term.

Plot in some couple time often.

Yea bit unreasonable if only one day. Buy a slow cooker ask him to prep it on Sunday. Leave all the lunch and clothes prep to him when he comes home

I don't think him having a hobby is an issue at all, but you working full time and having to do ALL the lunches/ dinners and bedtimes IS a problem.
He needs to be doing more. I'd tell him that he can continue to do his hobby if he makes the dinner in the day or you split the days equally (you do dinners 3 nights per week, he does dinner 4 and then you swap again, you do 4, he does 3 etc).
I wouldn't be ok with him continuing the hobby if he refuses to engage in more equitable labour in the household, that's incredibly unfair! I'd also point out to him that if you broke up, you'd fight hard for 50/50 custody and he'd have to do it on his own on his time! That usually gets them realising how good they have it!

I'm so sorry he isn't pulling his weight.

For a one day per week I'd say YABU. If that's something that makes him happy and doesn't eat up all his time, then there is no problem with his hobby for you to ask him to change it!

Its one day a week, yabu.

Feed the kids early that day and have a ready meal / pizza / something super easy for you and dh to have when he gets in. He can put it on when he gets back.
Then find an activity you actually want to do and sign up to it.

I work 2 evenings a week and there was a time when my dh had to do clubs, bath and bedtime while i was out. I'd get back at 8.15 and whoever was done first would make dinner for the 2 of us. Always simple because we would both be knackered. Pizza and salad or fresh pasta and sauce. Glass of wine.

He needs to learn to cook. Honestly I have no idea why this has become an acceptable excuse, it’s really not hard to follow a simple recipe and make some sandwiches. Have you ever raised this with him? How did the conversation go / do you think the conversation would go?

OK here’s my tuppence worth

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable, but i say this with kindness and experience (mum of 3 15/12/9 and who does 99% of the labour while running a business from home)

im gonna point out issues

A being that it’s a Monday and your starting out your week on an over tired doing it all yourself does not help

B people saying your home at 5.15, yeah but she’s been out the door since 6am so that 11h plus time to get ready & out the door before starting a likely 3h + home shift dinner/parenting/bedtime

C going forward you need to be having an easy dinner on a Monday, aka some thing you reheat or as i call a 10m dinner if your battling alone after long day

Now here comes my wisdom, if you don’t nip this in the bud now it will be your cross to bear forever, if he claims he can’t cook/doesn’t know how to do stuff that weaponised incompetence and as a wife of such a man - nip it in the bud now

Also adding you need to carve out your own time out of the home without DS - either find a hobby or just leave on say a friday evening, he finishes at 5pm you leave at 5.15 give him a taste of his own medicine straight into dad duty drive to local starbucks get a coffee & sit in your car scrolling your phone/reading for an hour or 2 - let him juggle the post work kid time

you are working long day/hours for the good of your family/finances but that doesn’t mean you get a day off on a Friday it’s playing catch up with home stuff/kid time

but reiterating again - nip the WI in the bud!

if he’s working 9-5 he’s got 3h extra in the morning before work he can run the washing, tidy up, prep dinner & if your on bedtime duty he can make the lunches for the next day

signed off exhausted 42yo Mum

You are being unreasonable. Its one night a week. Your life doesn't have to stop when you have children.
I earn considerably more than my husband. He has a 7 minute commute to work, I have 1 hour 10 minutes. But thats irrelevant. We have our roles at home and make it work together.
You choose to 'look after' your child on a day off. Isnt this a privilege that you get to do this instead of having a day at work? If its a problem and you begrudge doing this whilst your husband is working full time (so he cant do it), then why dont you pay to put your child in nursery and have the day to yourself.
I think youre being a little mean on this one and not just with the football expectations either.

Sorry but YABU. He works fully remote. This is his only outlet, a few hours one evening a week. Most parents manage their kids on their own much more than that. How difficult can it be? Think of people who work shifts or nights. You have your hobbies so it's important he has his, as it is so important for mental wellbeing and wfh full time he needs to get out of the house and have some social interaction one day per week.

Yes it’s unreasonable to ask him to give up the hobby he only does once a week. Especially if that is his main form of socialisation and getting out when he works from home. Changing the place is also unfair when he’s established relationships.

It’s also unreasonable of him to expect you to do all the dinners, bedtimes and prep for the next days throughout the entire week. That burden should not rest solely on you.

On Mondays he should be preparing dinner so it’s ready when you get home. And doing the next days lunch’s too.

You should then be finding something to do once a week for yourself. It doesn’t have to be on a weeknight if you really can’t bare to leave him for bedtime, and you wouldn’t have been rushing around with the work commute.
You could do something on a Friday after DH finishes work and before DS bedtime.
You could do something on a Saturday morning while they’re still having breakfast.
Or a Sunday afternoon while DH and DS have a quality hour or two together.
It doesn’t hugely matter what it is as long as it’s a hour or two doing something you enjoy.

You deserve it, feeling guilty is pointless and playing into female martyrdom. I know it’s easy to fall into that trap but it doesn’t help anyone. You’re currently asking your partner to give up their hobby once a week when it sounds like it doesn’t even make any difference if he’s there or not, you’re doing the same amount of work either way. So instead of bringing him down to feeling miserable like you, bring yourself up and take the time you deserve too.

And get him to start doing dinner at least twice a week too.

You have a husband who is lazy and doesn't step up. That's what needs dealing with . . .

You still need to have the right conversation.

You can't go in like his parent trying to control his social life because he's not behaved. It's counterproductive and will not achieve what you want.

Otherwise you confined him to the house 24-7 and that's not going to solve the problem.

Doesn't seem like he's the least but bothered about making your life easier in any way. What do you need him for? Does he bring anything at all to the table?

I think it's so hard to balance home life with hobbies but they are so important. I'm now 50 and kids are 21/18 and I see so many men around my age with zero friends and zero hobbies. It's all very well when a partner makes their bloke give up hobbies when kids are little but they dont stay little forever. My DH is still playing 5 a side and only gave up playing proper football last year. He wfh too so I want him to see his mates/play snooker/play footie on some evenings and weekends. I've got tons of hobbies and many different groups of friends. It's very hard to start from scratch (esp for men who are often less sociable than women, have smaller groups of friends and don't like joining new things). Sounds like OP needs to batch cook/get her DH to batch cook at weekends and maybe look at not spending one jour getting her DS to sleep plus also making her DH put him to bed and she goes out for a walk or coffee. if they have more kids is her DH never going to put them to bed? why do people make a rod for their own backs??

If he working from home he can make dinner for that Monday night. Why are you doing all the housework and cooking and also working full-time? If dinner was ready for you and your son when you got home you probably wouldn't feel so upset about it

Get a hobby in an evening and just go out. It is quite common for little ones to prefer mummy bedtime and I left quite a few time to mine screaming for me while DP was doing the bedtime. I felt much better for the regular night out and once I left the house apparently my LO settled down as if she knew I'd gone and when a bit older would start to understand 'mummy going out to her club'!

Ignore people like this. It’s obvious that you’re not just having a day off to save money! You sound like a lovely Mum. Some people will always have to get on their high horse as if they’re mother of the year! you don’t need to justify your arrangements to anyone who isn’t paying your bills!

As for your question- I agree he should continue his hobby on a Monday because it sounds good for him physically and mentally. However I would do the following:

Sit down and have a conversation about dividing up labour more equally

I try to cook something on a Sunday that leaves left overs for Monday. A roast, shepherd’s pie, a big curry etc. However, your OH could do this?

When my kids were small I used to get clothes ready for the week on a Sunday. Again could bea joint task. I was single parent, you are not.

Also during, if you don’t already take it in turns to cook. You both work, he’s home so could prep at lunch or immediately after work. This is up to him to decide too, he’s more than capable of managing his time

And I know your son likes you to put him to bed but work out a way to share this too. He’ll get used to it.

What is you OH doing in the evenings while you’re preparing for the next day and doing bedtime? You deserve at least a nights where you can come home, play with your son and the relax and do nothing. Or you at least do the chores together so they’re done quicker.

Finally, I’d go to a yoga class or something on a Saturday or Sunday morning. And have a coffee after. Time for yourself and time for your OH and son to spend together.

I think the issue here isn’t the one night of hobby, it’s the fact that he isn’t doing dinner / lunches and chores. If you’re both working full time you should be splitting the chores 50:50