Would I be unreasonable to ask a child to be a bit quieter on their iPad in a restaurant?

[WouldYouLikeSomeRibena]

I know this is a touchy subject and it’s a public place but I’m just wondering if it’s reasonable to be this angry?

I have taken my friend out for lunch to a restaurant in the lakes for her birthday.
It’s a nice place usually very busy, the food is good and lovely views and usually full of adults dining as it’s quite pricey and no kids menus or high chairs.

Today there was a table in front of us with two women and 6 kids having drinks looking at menus.
The kids keep getting up and running round, talking loudly and one boy was roaming between tables constantly coughing without covering his mouth. In the end a lady on the next table told him to cover his mouth as he was hovering near here and then told the other kids it wasn’t safe to run round.
One of the women was doing a weak “sshhh” that was getting ignored, the other seemed more embarrassed and in the end she suggested they leave and they did.

There are two other tables with kids on iPads but one has headphones and is sat a lot further away so I can’t really hear it and I don’t think there is an issue at all when using headphones.

At the other table a couple are sat near to me with a girl of about 7/8, they are looking at their phones and the girl is on FaceTime on her iPad to another girl with no headphones. It sounds like the other girl is playing a game on a console and both are getting excited and shouting at each other with the girl in the restaurant getting louder and shouting instructions and shrieking occasionally whilst bouncing up and down in her chair.

Other people keep looking over but the parents are oblivious.
Since I started writing this post their food has come and the couple are eating and talking to each other, the girl has propped the iPad against the salt and pepper and is continuing her FaceTime call talking with her mouth full.
The tables are pretty close together and I’m really pissed off about it and want to say something. My friend is also annoyed but worried about confrontation and suggested speaking to staff and asking them to talk to the couple about disturbing everyone.

I was just wondering what others would do? I’ll be really pissed off shelling out almost £100 for a meal that’s supposed to be a celebration and we can hardly hear to have a conversation and I’m disappointed because I wanted it to be nice for my friend.

On the other hand I don’t want to cause an argument and it’s possible people will stick up for the family as we are a pretty child centred society.
I thought I’d ask other opinions so I can assess the risk of that happening.
Would I be unreasonable to go over and ask the couple if they can ask the girl to be quieter or do you think I have no right as it’s a public place and you can’t police people like that?

I just don’t understand the mindset like the people on the other people with kids who let them disturb everyone and just don’t give a shit. I expect it to a degree in places like pizza express or Toby carvery but it feels selfish to bring them to a more adult environment if they are happy to just let them disturb everyone.

I feel awkward approaching the staff as they haven’t already said anything, it might be the best approach though as they are really the only people with any authority to comment.

I agree. I'm just saying that for some children it's not about behaviour, and it's not "lazy parenting" to give them the only thing that stops them running around.

Call the police immediately

Short of physically holding him down, nothing else worked, and the idea was to stop him getting stressed. He learned himself to self-regulate, he's fine now and has been for 4 years. I had to try everything myself, with no guidance from CAMHS.

My son is still primary age, so no, not a long time ago. Eating out with 3 year olds is a pain in the ass. But they are your pain in the ass. You spend a lot of time wrestling them into high chairs, feeding them endless snacks, reading picture books to them, taking out the special travel toys they only get to play with in cafes, walking them round in the buggy to try to get naptime to coincide with when you meet your friend (not always successfullly), using wet wipes to clear up messes, and yes, sometimes standing outside in the cold because you can't let them scream the place down. And then eventually, assuming no profound SEN, and at different ages depending on the child, you realise they can sit quietly and read a picture book, or do colouring or mess around with a jigsaw, and you can actually chat to your friend. And yes, many neurodivergent kids can learn this too (my son has ADHD and ASD). But they have to learn and it's a painful, time consuming process which only pays off after years. The danger of sticking them in front of a screen is you end up with a 7 or 8 or 9 year old who still doesn't know how to be in a cafe (or indeed a classroom) without screen based simulation.

I would never go out with a friend and my 6 year old expecting to have anything other than a superficial conversation. Children need entertaining until they’re really quite old. If you want any sort of meaningful chat, invite them around after your child is in bed.

The parent should be the thing that stops them running around. And if they can’t sit and chat and eat without running around, then they aren’t ready for that particular environment. Take them to a soft play instead.

This would exclude some disabled children and their parents from areas of society. If needed an iPad on mute or headphones is not an unreasonable adjustment to enable them and their parents to attend a lunch with friends or family. As long as parents are mindful of others comfort, like choosing a family friendly venue, eating out during the daytime and keeping the child entertained I don’t know why this is such an area of hyper focus for so many adults. I don’t think OP’s opinion was unreasonable, however the prejudice shared on this thread has been difficult to read.

This information could help those posters with a preconceived opinion which isn’t based on reason or experience

I have an adult child with autism. He didn’t have a screen because they weren’t invented when he was a child. I wouldn’t have taken him to a nice restaurant when he was a toddler because our right to eat out didn’t trump the rights to a peaceful meal by numerous paying customers.

I see you’ve ignored the part of my post about going to family friendly restaurants and being mindful of other people’s comfort to push on with your own narrative which has no relevance to what I’ve said

This is part of the story. My son with autism does use screens to regulate at times. More so than my neurotypical children. But that doesn't mean he needs screens all the time. It also doesn't mean that there aren't a lot of children out there who are been given screens when they don't need them. There's been a lot of dopamine research done to show that small bits of discomfort are very good for regulating dopamine, and we are doing our children no favours by making the world too easy for them. Staring at a screen gives an easy dopamine hit, but it also gives an equivalent dopamine crash...so then the next hit needs to be a bit bigger to hit equilibrium (the body is permanently trying to maintain a state of homeostatis)

The last person I saw watching reels loudly on her phone in a public space was 70 plus. Teen Dd was most disapproving. She seemed utterly oblivious 😳

As others have said - first thing to do is let the staff know. Lets hope we can all be a good judge of regular kid noise vs loud screen noise.

My annoyance Woukd be the entitlement that people have tha their time out is more importnat than other people.

Running around isn’t safe and isn’t acceptable. Staff shoukd tallow this as it can be dangerous (I once had a steak knife in my hand and a kid ran around the table and bumped me and I dropped it - close call).

We never let our kids have screens in public places because shock horror we went out to dinner with them to enjoy their company. It’s annoying and distracting and in most cases isn’t necessary - but without headphones - absolutely not.

I agree, personally I try toys or colouring in the first instance and then use the iPad if needed. Sometimes we look at photos on a device instead as there is research to support passive scrolling isn’t as bad as active scrolling but it’s probably minimal. I think most of us could do with a screen detox, especially social media, I’m guilty of flicking through facebook reels for much longer than I should. Sometimes I’m shocked by my weekly screen time notifications and it’s definitely because of dopamine addiction

My DS knew how to be in a café without a screen for stimulation, he just couldn't stop moving. Even drawing or playing with Lego he'd be standing up hopping from foot to foot (he's never liked reading, unfortunately). He'd have the tablet or Switch until the food came and we'd leave after he'd eaten, then have the joy of trying to stop him running off while we waited for the Uber. And he's learnt all by himself to calm himself without a screen.

I always ask them to turn the sound off.