DH and family left me alone in a restaurant

[TemporaryWombat]

This didn’t happen recently but it still bugs me! Went out for a meal for MIL birthday, I was 8 months pregnant and at the end of the meal FIL paid the bill - I stood up and told DH I was going to the toilet, went (I wasn’t long) came back and everyone had buggered off! I was stood there embarrassed asking the waiters where everyone was. I went to the car park and wandered around in the dark trying to find DH car.

AIBU or is it really inconsiderate to just leave? DH sees no fault and said the meal was over and it was obvious we were all leaving. It felt very crappy and definitely not something I would do or my family.

SOME not all. No problem with people disagreeing with me. Happens a lot. But SOME comments are unpleasant and verging on being outright misogynistic. Others do believe OP is unreasonable but just stated so and offered a different perspective and even in a few cases advice.

And some use upper case letters which are deemed shouty, and they think it makes their point more valid.

When it’s just ridiculous really, but of course they’re not rude are they?

Where are you getting ‘everyone had already stood up’ from? I thought everyone was still sitting at the table, but happy to be corrected if I’m wrong. I think that’s quite an important detail.

Sorry didn’t know it was considered shouty. I used caps just to emphasise that it wasn’t every poster just some.

And I can read that just as well without upper case text.

Sorry my mistake, she said 'I stood up'. I initially read it as they had all stood up. Even so, I don't think it changes anything. To ask the waiter where they'd gone, given that the bill had been paid is just ridiculous. And I'm guessing the OP knew she should go for a quick wee before they all got back in the car. It was the natural time to leave. To pretend she was abandoned with no idea of where they'd gone is quite pathetic really.

Would you walk out of a restaurant while your friend was in the loo?

If there were just two of us then probably not, because why would I stand outside by myself, quite possibly in the dark with no-one to talk to when I could wait inside?

But if I were with a group of people, some of whom might have been in separate cars and they made the decision to start wandering out to the car park, then yes I would quite likely wander out with them. It's possible that someone wanted to smoke or vape so they chose to wait for the OP outside rather than spending longer hanging around inside?

No one is disputing that waiting outside is ok. It's the going off completely without saying goodbye that's really strange. Or telling someone you were going to the car (why bother doing this?) If someone did this to me I would think they were rude and strange.

Im wondering what the relevance of her being 8 months pregnant was - except for dramatic effect.

Her being pregnant makes what he and the rest of the group did even more unacceptable and just wrong. She is carrying his child and she should be his primary concern particularly at 8 months where at the least she is tired, hormonal and uncomfortable and worse at risk of complications, early delivery etc. It’s little wonder there is a falling birth rate in the west when mentioning one’s pregnancy is seen as dramatic rather than a factor that highlights that better care and concern should have been provided by the father to be and the extended family.

He was outside the restaurant not disappeared into the wilderness! So no, it's not relevant at all.

It is very relevant. He shouldn’t have been outside. He should have been inside demonstrating courtesy to his wife and special care and attention to his very pregnant wife. Pregnant women need care and lots of women like to be treated with courtesy. I appreciate that some will say they don’t and can manage all sorts of situations on their own with no help or assistance or special treatment but OP and many others don’t feel like that and a caring partner would respect that.

Well she might have gone into labour in the loo and then what? Her DH would have had to walk back in from the CAR PARK to find her when he realised she'd been gone a while, instead of walking from the restaurant table, saving all of ooh, possibly up to 75 seconds. Crucial in emergencies.

I can't take your drama seriously.

Well now you put it like that ...😆 🤣

Then my work is done !

Damsel in distress is a genuine syndrome!

Is that true. I know two women who make this their whole personality (and are very popular with men). I'd be interested to learn what's behind it.

Pretty straightforward; the men get to feel important, admired and heroic, the women get to feel cared for, protected and have stuff done for them.

The "
damsel in distress syndrome" refers to a dynamic where a person (often female) consistently presents as helpless to elicit assistance, while another (often male) acts as a "rescuer" to feel empowered. This behavior, rooted in fairy tales and gender stereotypes, can create toxic, co-dependent relationships. It implies a, sometimes mutual, preference for the female to be passive and the male to be dominant.

This is more like it! As it says can create toxic, co-dependent relationships.

So far from “Pregnant women need care and lots of women like to be treated with courtesy. I appreciate that some will say they don’t and can manage all sorts of situations on their own with no help or assistance or special treatment but OP and many others don’t feel like that and a caring partner would respect that.” they actually don’t want toxic or co-dependent relationships.

I am definitely not a damsel in distress-quite the opposite! In my pregnancy I just got on with it and did everything I normally do and as a person I’m very independent. I just found their behaviour to be very rude, it’s not that I was incapable of walking to the car alone, it was very thoughtless especially as DH family drove home in separate cars and didn’t even say goodbye to me. I will die on this hill! They were all rude!

I think the same way as you OP. When I was pregnant I would, for example, walk home alone in the dark from the station after work. I would still think it uncaring of my DH to let me do the same through a car park when he was there and it wasn’t necessary! Or at least if he hadn’t said so first, and that’s not even about pregnancy really. It’s a bit like not holding open a door for someone who’s just behind you, on the justification that they are capable of doing it themselves.

I’ve also, again while pregnant, popped to the loo while we were leaving a restaurant. Everyone waited chatting just outside so we could all say goodbye and go to our separate cars.

MN is such an odd place. People defending really weird rude behaviour and pretending the OP is completely unreasonable and pathetic. But I can't imagine a single one of those posters would replicate the rude behaviour themselves.

I’m sorry, but I do think it’s ridiculous behaviour on the part of the OP.

It’s a complete non event, not rude behaviour.

An opinion I will stick too and I’m not saying for dramatic effect.