Private school fees- is it worth the £250k?

[SchoolDilemmas123]

AIBU about potential school fees?
I want to send my DS to the local state secondary but my DH wants the private route.

My DS has a place at an independent school for year 7, starting in Sept 2026.
The fees in his first year will be £30,000 (£10,000 per term) plus uniform and trips.
So we are looking at least £250,000 for his education until the end 6th form.

When you put it like that…. It’s an awful
Lot money that might be better spent elsewhere. We could invest the money now and give him £300,000 when he turns 25 for a house deposit for example

There is so much to weigh up! It’s a great school, not a hot house but pretty academic. The school suits him very well. He would thrive there.

we have a ‘good’ state secondary school to consider. Not outstanding, gets very average results. He would hopefully be fine there. I want to send him here with his friends from his state primary.

We can afford the fees but it would eat into our future savings. We live in a normal house, no mortgage, and both work full time.

I don’t know what to do for the best long term.

Anyone else had these considerations? If so how did you reach your decision, and are you happy with it?

YANBU - send him to the state secondary.
YABU - go private

I would go with state school. I say this having done both. My 3 went prep, state and then for 6th form state school , private school, 6th form college.

I will caveat by saying that it’s a very good naice comprehensive. They have all come out with the same GCSE’s and A levels as their privately educated friends. The 2 who are old enough have done / are doing very academic degrees at Russell Group unis. The one who has finished is working in an outstanding Grad job. Their peers, from the state school are currently Big 4 accountancy trainees, at law school with magic and silver circle training contracts, at Bar School, training as actuaries, working in IB, a couple are at big pharma companies, a couple of analysts for premier league clubs, one civil service fast track and obviously a smattering of medics and vets. The ones who have gone into the usual social media marketing etc are with big well known brands.

At the time the decision was taken out of my hands re private as I couldn’t get my eldest to co-operate with 11+ prep and I didn’t think they were resilient enough for a really stop school hence the state decision. No regrets at all

Sure behaviour left plenty to be desired in years 7-9. There was no violence or anything just a fair amount of silliness and low level

messing about. However, by year 10 they knuckled down and all did well.

They now hve a 6 fig deposit each to put down on a house which I couldn’t have given them on £30k a year fees.

for everyone there’s a tipping point. What was easily manageable at £15k a year was fine at £22k a year but at £30k a year I have had to say that unless it’s a make or break situation for the child, we’ve hit the wall of sensible affordability

Not sure how it works in schools these days but when I was a kid you had streaming into 9 sets.

The idea that set 1 is going to contain kids who don't want to learn seems a bit crazy to me. In my day all the kids who wanted to fight and smash the place up were in set 9. And the better teachers (at least in terms of answering questions rather than managing behaviour etc) were always in set 1 because those kids asked the toughest questions.

Sure you had to dodge a few people in the playground, but that was probably good life experience.

Maybe these days it's all different, but I think if your kids are achievers its less of an issue than if they are say, quite quiet types and not academically gifted.

That really depends on the private school! There are a significant number of state schools which essentially cater for those that state doesn't work out for. There are two private secondaries near us, one is exactly as you describe, the other however is about 30% SEN. I know a couple of people with DC there - they are really stretching themselves to pay for it because state has completely failed (e.g. dyslexia).

Our 3 DC are currently in state primary, two are likely to go to the local grammar. The other is very unlikely to pass (behind, probable dyslexia), and the non grammar school is bad. We are already saving, because for some children private can be the difference between finishing school at all or not.

I'm assuming you've looked round both. What were your, and his, immediate reactions to the state school? Is it oversubscribed, so that if you don't start in year 7 getting a place later would be tricky? How much time do you have to do the chauffeuring to provide some of the extras that would be provided by the school at a private school (e.g. sports)?

Every school is different around streaming. I would be very happy to send my children to a state school if every class was streamed.

This makes a lot of sense - we are at £24k a year for two kids in prep it was £12k a year.

But can I caveat this further by saying it’s not just academics it’s whole school experience. However yes we have an excellent local comp and a grammar that would meet the needs of one one of my children not the other.

Our local state comprehensive got 3 pupils into Oxbridge last year. The expensive private school down the road had none. Both schools publish the destinations of sixth form leavers.

@riversflows Expensive doesn’t equal academic though. The private school might be less academic and more nurturing. Plus Oxbridge isn’t very keen on private school dc now. The goal posts have shifted. Their dc might not even have bothered to apply.

God, I’m happy my school didn’t do this. At least I don’t think they did…

Jane Doe- Oxford
Katie Doe- Edinburgh
NameObsessed- Priory
Ellie Doe- LSE

Think it entirety depends on the school and the child.

DD1 went private for last 4 years of secondary. She's bright and academic but very dyslexic, also had a chronic health condition at the time and hated her state secondary (good area but very mixed catchment, in a classes with lots of rowdy boys). A small non selective private school was transformative for her then.

Younger daughter, on the other hand, thrives in her busy state secondary school (different school but similar demographic and mixed catchment).

@Tarkadaaaahling It’s normal at the best state schools - not all state schools. There’s also quality to consider. How good is that school production? Is there a school orchestra? Lots don’t have them. Drama can be truly woeful and dc just mess about. It’s frequently a subject with poor results. Music? Few do it.

University destinations never tell the full story either. It’s the ambition to get a decent career afterwards that matters. Then you get value for money in terms of fees. If no decent job, did the fees buy anything?

Also arts subjects do matter if dc are artists! Not everyone does stem. Or can do stem. Or should do stem.

I think this is key and very similar to our position - no grammar options, lots of private options and, in our case, dire state options for secondary because pre VAT anyone who could use the private route did. Now with the VAT hike, lots of people who would have used private are being forced to look at state and the light is being shone on just how underfunded and under supported the state sector has been for the last 20 years in our area.
We have gone private, the behaviour/violence/bullying reported across the state secondaries felt too much of a risk.

We made this choice. Our fees are less than yours (£7.5k per term) but we have two children, so a similar amount overall.

It’s a long term gamble paying for private when it’s not an “easy” choice. Like you, I was also tempted to give them house deposits instead and send them to the local school with their mates that gets average results. Only you can make the choice that’s right for you, but in the end, we decided that you only get one childhood and one real shot at your education. The school they go to offers small classes, a selective cohort (sorry if that sounds bad) and lots of extra curricular opportunities. On balance, we saw that as the greater investment as their parents. We will help them with deposits in the future as much as we can, but we hope the school will give them additional tools for a more prosperous and ambitious future, and the opportunity to meet their potential (whatever they decide to do).

It's so subjective, depends on your child and the state school available to you. I went to a an average state school and came out with top grades, top degree, successful career. But I was bright, hard working and conscientious. That said I was also extremely shy and could easily go unnoticed in a big class, and my school did not acknowledge or support my career ambitions. We have put DS (5yo) into Private school which costs 25k per year but he is diagnosed with ASD, likely has ADHD. We prefer that he's in a class with 19 kids, 1 teacher and 2 assistants, the comms between teacher and parent is amazing, facilities are incredible and he is thriving. The public schools here are very good too but would not be the best environment for him.
My DH went to private school from the age of 8 and has had an incredibly successful career earns 300k+. Meanwhile his 2 brothers went to state school, 1 went to uni, other didn't. The 1 that went to uni earns 60k, other one earns 40k. Not that money is a measure of success but school made a difference to their aspirations and often you become your environment. Depends what other driving factors there are in your life. I know plenty of people who went to private school and were not the brightest but were well connected so able to get ahead vs those who were brighter or more talented.

Will add DS private school is less academic than the state school where we are (abroad) but it's inclusive, nurturing and a focus on critical thinking vs rote learning, a SEN department, more progressive thinking when it comes to teaching, and a focus on well being. That said pass rates are very high.

Ds went to a good primary and a good comprehensive. Some limitations but some active positives (particularly local friends, stability, peace of mind). Academically he could not have done better. Private education is just too expensive.

Admittedly there was that thread recently where a child was attacked physically going into school and the head teacher wasn’t even addressing it. Reportedly a good outcome from moving school within the state system though.

We moved ours from a demanding state school where they measured so much of their worth by what universities the kids ended up at. Went to a more pastoral-focused independent school, with amazing sports and drama facilities. They were 1000 times happier, and still did very well academically. Many more measures of success than Oxbridge numbers!

Absolutely agree. The 'levels of violence' as ever was thus. I've been teaching in an inner-city state in Scotland for 31 years. I love it there; and whilst there are incidences of violence at times, it's unusual, as it always has been. It's all about the ethos of the school & strength of SLT.

My DC all went to state- very mixed, urban state, not a 'naice' area, but a genuine mix of 'naice' houses, council & decent % of kids from deprived areas. DS1 was school dux- 8 As at Higher, 3 As at Advanced Higher- & is final year at Russell Group on track for a 1st in Maths. DS2 also did well & is also at university doing engineering- he's ND & had great support at school. I cannot imagine they would have done any better at private school (where grandma preferred, but it's not something I wanted).

They're both big rugby players, playing for their uni teams, yet both report that they avoid the private school 'rahs', the most annoying part of the experience. SOME private schools seem to really develop this arrogance & entitlement.

Totally depends on private school, sending ours to one was probably the worst mistake DH and I have made as parents, awful children and awful parents, nepotism ruled (lots of teachers were parents), bullying was rife. Ours are now in a state school and we have found it much better. Our friends sent theirs to a different private school and have had a positive experience. Do your research carefully.

It's very difficult to say what is right for you and your family.
We are also in Scotland and my son is in S6 and will be leaving in the summer to go to Uni.
He has been in private school since nursery and we haven't regretted it for one minute. The local secondary school is awful and we didn't want him to go there but to move would have meant significantly increasing our mortgage.
We have had to sacrifice somewhat to pay for it but again we think it has been worth it.
The fees now are really high compared to when he started but we're almost finished.

Not necessarily true. A friends of my mums ( state school teacher) put both her boys in private school.

Eldest was academic, younger one wasnt and had to take entrabce exam a few timesto squeeze in.

He scraped gcse there BUT he also played rugby very well and got to know the paents of the other boys in the team. Gave him useful connections

After school he was taken one in one of the investment banks that his best mates dad was high up in

Hes since worked in banking throughout the world includung hong kong and new york as well as in London. Done very well for himself

Irs unlikely that going to the local state school ( wasnt naice area) wouldve provided the connections that gave a very average boy a leg up

Cheltenham has many very expensive private schools and huge drug problems in every one.

Worth every penny - mine was failing so badly in the state system, now flying.

He recognises the hypocrisy of both sides - not all public school kids are entitled snobs and not all state school kids are ruffians. He has noticed that it is the state school kids who are far mor judgemental now at uni about the private school kids and assume a lot. His brother is in state and thriving but does wish he had access to all the sporting stuff elder brother did.

each child is different and it is what suits them as individuals.

This.

I am a secondary school teacher. I bought a house in catchment at a very good school. Very little behaviour issues (I work there). My mortgage went up £400/500 a month but with 4 children I feel that's nothing compared with school fees. Scotland.

I would go state
we can also afford to put our ds in private
but I think with tutoring, support and watching his peers closely he will still have the opportunity without having to go private

If he is going to do well, he will. Private isn’t necessarily required

My DD got all 9’s in her GCSE’s at a state school. Yes it’s not all about grades, but 250k is a huge amount of money. My DD was a pretty average student until year 10 when something changed. It was a good school, but her success didn’t come from excellent teaching.