Private school fees- is it worth the £250k?

[SchoolDilemmas123]

AIBU about potential school fees?
I want to send my DS to the local state secondary but my DH wants the private route.

My DS has a place at an independent school for year 7, starting in Sept 2026.
The fees in his first year will be £30,000 (£10,000 per term) plus uniform and trips.
So we are looking at least £250,000 for his education until the end 6th form.

When you put it like that…. It’s an awful
Lot money that might be better spent elsewhere. We could invest the money now and give him £300,000 when he turns 25 for a house deposit for example

There is so much to weigh up! It’s a great school, not a hot house but pretty academic. The school suits him very well. He would thrive there.

we have a ‘good’ state secondary school to consider. Not outstanding, gets very average results. He would hopefully be fine there. I want to send him here with his friends from his state primary.

We can afford the fees but it would eat into our future savings. We live in a normal house, no mortgage, and both work full time.

I don’t know what to do for the best long term.

Anyone else had these considerations? If so how did you reach your decision, and are you happy with it?

YANBU - send him to the state secondary.
YABU - go private

"It’s been known for a long time that given identical A level results, state school pupils get better results at university than private school pupils."

That's probably because in a private school some get coached to within an inch of their life to make it to uni, and when they get there they have little left to give.

Whereas in the state schools its only the better cohort that actually make it past the barriers to entry and a state pupil will achieve the same A level grade as a private school pupil with much less teaching/tutoring/support.

I think as well when I look back at the private school types in uni a lot of them were more into a more "rounded" university experience spending a lot of time in sports and clubs and social whereas a lot of the state educated had got there by swotting hard on their subjects of interest and continued that process through uni.

Which is the better education path, I don't know tbh.

You will if course have noted that I didn't say there weren't badminton courts in any state school. Our possible catchment stare schools all have badminton courts too so maybe I should have said swimming pool or all weather hockey pitch or whatever.

My point was more that I pay for stuff I value at my kids school that is not available to me in state locally and I value that enough to pay. I also pay for a bunch of stuff like sports facilities that I don't care about and would happily take off the bill if it were itemized and optional that's just the way it goes. So many financial decisions are not "worth it" on paper but people still choose them.

@GasPanic never saw that at my DDs private school. Good teaching rather than coaching was key. State parents paid for tutors so not much difference really. But you should never assume private schools are better academically unless you are talking about Wycombe Abbey or St Paul’s girls. The top few clearly are better but look at who they recruit!

Cambridge, for some subjects, have actually pushed back on state is just as good. Some departments think not. However life isn’t about academics to the exclusion of everything else. Private should provide a lot of extras. If it doesn’t, go state and keep the money.

@SchoolDilemmas123

I had a private education and it has been the single most important thing that has lead to a good quality of life for me and a high income.

From my perspective, I would urge you (for a good private school) to privately educate your children. Whatever their ability, they will end up with a better educational outcome than if they were in a state school because private education is far more child centric, tailored to the child and with a degree of spoon feeding. A bright child will do exceptionally well. An average child will leave with good qualifications.

Private education also gives most children a degree of internal self confidence that is very difficult to replicated in other ways and really shines through at interviews especially immediately out of university. It may make little difference in 50 years time but at that early stage of first jobs, it is a hugh factor and a good first job, good first level training is a strong platform that leads on to bigger and better things.

They will have school opportunities that they would never otherwise have - opportunities to try sports out of reach to most, lectures from eminent parents, exposure to higher standard of teaching, wider range of school trips, likely a wider range of subjects offered for study at GCSE/A Level.

Don't underestimate either the benefit for your child of mixing with children in a private school. The chances are these are children whose parents care about their children's education - so have relatively high expectations, will encourage them at home and have a certain standard of behaviour. I'm not saying there are no naughty kids in private school but the parental culture tends to rub off so your child rather than being plunged into a mix of kids some of whose parents wouldn't give a fuck if they bunked off for weeks, will be with a group where the culture is more about valuing education and learning.

I came from a background where there were sacrifices made to support my education and it was really really worth it for me. I couldn't be more grateful and routinely contribute to scholarship funds for my old school.

A good education is the best thing you can ever give a child.

@SchoolDilemmas123 decide what is important in your child's upbringing.

Other than a £300k house deposit, think what else you could also do as a family with that money... holidays, experiences etc...

I'd go with state school until Y9 then consider swapping for GCSE.

I deliberately don’t add up the total cost, but for us, it’s worth every penny. The soft social skills, high expectations of manners and standards of behaviour, the focus on sport, the idea that it’s cool to work hard, the lack of disruption, the collaborative atmosphere. It’s a calm, quiet and respectful environment. And, no pronouns. Girls and boys treated as girls and boys.

I’m sorry this isn’t the experience for everyone.

Hi OP,

I know a few couples where one parent wanted state and one wanted private - the children in each case all went private! Some made tough financial choices, others didn't have to, they were financially comfortable enough to absorb the cost.

I faced the same choice for primary school. What helped me was being really clear in my own mind on what I wanted for DC. That was a small school with good outside space, great academics and lots of extra-curricular activities and school trips.

The best private primary offered this in spades! Absolutely gorgeous building, acres of outside space and everything else on my list. The best state primary also had everything on the list. The only differences were the state primary being shabbier on the inside, having less outside space and didn't do swimming every week like the private school did. Swimming we can (and do) pay for. So for us, private primary didn't offer us enough 'over and above' to justify the £15k per year spend, as we could get everything we wanted on our list for 'free' from the state primary. A few years in and it was definitely the right decision for us.

I'll have the same (secondary school) dilemma as you in a few years though. Our state secondaries currently are all very average academically and that's my biggest concern. I want a secondary for my DC that is amazing academically with excellent results.

We had a very large inheritance when our children were quite little. We considered private school and worked out that putting them both through our local private secondary and sixth form would cost about £500k.

We decided to spend the money on a bigger house, house renovations and some excellent holidays. We also have enough left to be able to support the kids through University and give them each a deposit for their first homes. I’m glad we made the decision we did. We had a good state school to send them to though which I’m sure makes a huge difference. Had our local school been rubbish, perhaps we’d have made a different decision. (Although of course, having that money to spend on a house meant we could afford a house in the catchment area of a good school).

As other PPs have said- the job market is changing a lot. The impact of AI on many industries is yet to be seen. I’m not sure that having an expensive education is as much of an advantage as it once was.

We have decided against for now & will relook at 6th form. The cost is just too much particularly when uni is so expensive now & we want to help with deposits. But dc go to an excellent state option.

I think the point @MidnightPatrol made is also a concern, it’s a very narrow demographic now compared when I was young because of the fees.

This! My kids are still young so this is a little way off, but we live in an area with a lot of grammars so the state alternatives aren’t great at all, which is a shame all round.

My thoughts entirely.

Well said.

Having gone through a state grammar myself and having children who both attend outstanding (according to both Ofsted and myself) state schools I think you make a lot of incorrect assumptions about the quality and breadth of the education and extra curriculars and trips offered. Obviously it varies school to school, area to area but there are many excellent state schools out there.

I doubt even the quality of the teaching is better at private schools, I say this having known teachers who teach in both private and state sector. However the smaller class sizes and better facilities will definitely play their part.

The inner self confidence, you are most likely right, along with the fact that private schools children are far less likely to have regional accents may give them an advantage in the early stages of adulthood. However, if we’re generalising, I expect that state schooled young adults will on the whole be more resilient and more able to connect with a wider variety of people.

Oh and that whole paragraph about the parents of state school children not caring/valuing their education is just really insulting.

We used the local state school. Our dc got great results. It suited them. Having friends before you get to secondary really helps. They learned to fill in any gaps in their teaching through self study. Came out with all 8s and 9 s then As at A level. At dd’s uni she has friends who are great musicians, in sports teams, great social skills but they missed the grades to get on DD’s course. So they’re on a course they aren’t happy with and doesn’t have nearly the same employment prospects. Dd will have a £90k debt when she leaves. I think I’d prefer not to have the debt than go to private school. I went to a well known private school and wouldn’t leave my dog there though..

It really depends on the individual child. We moved our DD to a small independent school for Year 7. She's Autistic, academically very able but experiences high levels of anxiety and sensory needs as well as some challenges with Executive Functioning. When we started looking around it quickly became apparent she was not going to cope in a big, busy mainstream secondary school. Her Mental Health was already precarious in Year 6 and has improved significantly so for us it has absolutely been worth every penny. She finds low level disruption from other pupils really stressful so the fact that it's such a small, calm environment with high expectations in terms of behaviour has been hugely beneficial for her, and with 10-12 in a class the teachers know all the kids really well. The school have been extremely supportive in terms of her SEN and we haven't had to 'fight' for any reasonable adjustments. She has also had some amazing extracurricular opportunities which have done wonders for her confidence. It is an eye watering amount of money. For children who are confident, easy going and not socially vulnerable maybe it's not worth the money as they may thrive anywhere, only you know what's right for your child.

We are in Scotland, both of my children started in state and I moved them to private a few years later where they have both thrived and are now upper secondary.

yes it’s cost a lot of money but I would do it all over again, well worth it in my experience

This is very similar to me. We had a large inheritance which means we have paid off our mortgage and we have lovely holidays. The kids already do after school clubs almost every day. We have cash in the bank already.

I think I’m leaning towards state for year 7&8, then maybe move DS to private for year 9.

my DD is currently year 3 and is dyslexic. She definitely would not pass the 11+ or 13+. Currently at the ‘working towards’ stage of her curriculum which basically is some way below average. If I can find the right school for her I would move her in a heart beat as she is not thriving. Where I live all the private schools are academic and require an entrance exam. She has been rejected by 2 schools that I thought would be soft options ☹️.
She does have lovely friends at her school.

The state school may therefore be better for her as I can support her with tutors and she might get more learning support in a state secondary. I probably need to start a new thread on my options for DD!

For children who are confident, easy going and not socially vulnerable maybe it's not worth the money as they may thrive anywhere

this really stands out for me and is probably where I am conflicted. DS is very bright and sociable and would probably thrive anywhere.

DD is sociable, but really struggles academically. She would absolutely see the benefit from a small, nurturing private school. We just don’t have anything suitable near us at the moment so would probably need to move, or put her on a school bus every morning at 7.30am, taking her away from her lovely friendship group.

I also struggle with the idea of sending one child to state and one to private. There’s no doubt even my DS would benefit from going private as they have amazing facilities he would benefit from.

I don’t think anybody can answer this question in the abstract. Have you looked round the potential schools? That is the only way you can really judge whether the private options are worth it.

For us, private was worth it for the wraparound care, small class sizes, extracurricular activities and particularly strong emphasis on some specialist subjects that we thought would really suit our DS. The state secondaries in our area aren’t great, so it was also a factor that we would have an easier path to a good private secondary (though obviously that’s not a factor for you at secondary level).

However, the state primary schools in our area are very good so we wouldn’t have sent DS private if it would have caused us major financial stress. We would have sent him to a state option, on the basis that we could always switch schools if we felt he was struggling for any reason.

Unless you're absolutely so swimming in money that you don't even think about it, then yes, I think it's a big waste and a lot of pressure for too far into the future.

'Affording it' isn't really 'affording it' with sacrifices you'd rather not make.

As someone who went to an academically selective private secondary, I really don’t see the difference in careers/ outcomes compared with everyone I know who went to state school. I know it’s a bit of a cliché but ‘bright children will do well anywhere’ is really borne out in my experience. I do think it was a calmer secondary school experience with more opportunities during the schooling itself, but I just don’t think it equated to ‘better’ life outcomes in the long run. For my own children I think there are so many better things I could spend my money on to enhance their lives short and long term and I therefore just don’t think it is worth it.

OP, you could be me as I have the same dilemma! Except we do have a mortgage. We also bring in very good salaries and probably could service private school fees. I just can’t help but think private school fees are a bit of a scam. We have applied for my DS to attend a local state school in September. It has above average results and good behaviour, although the local secondary private school has better academic outcomes. I can’t justify the cost of spending £7-£8 k per term on fees. Yes the extra curricular activities and facilities are better at the private school but I was really impressed by the opportunities at the local state school as well. We are going to see how he gets on and will consider moving him to private in year 9.

OP, we also have a very dyslexic younger child. I am minded to send her to a private non-selective secondary because I think she will need the extra support.

@Mum1216£90,000 student debt is high but it’s nowhere near private school fees. That’s not enough to be one or the other! I’m assuming this is 5 years worth! If she’s had to borrow, I’m assuming you didn’t have the university money or school fee money.

Not really sure how my finances are relevant but either way I wouldn’t have paid for private schooling given my experience.