Private school fees- is it worth the £250k?

[SchoolDilemmas123]

AIBU about potential school fees?
I want to send my DS to the local state secondary but my DH wants the private route.

My DS has a place at an independent school for year 7, starting in Sept 2026.
The fees in his first year will be £30,000 (£10,000 per term) plus uniform and trips.
So we are looking at least £250,000 for his education until the end 6th form.

When you put it like that…. It’s an awful
Lot money that might be better spent elsewhere. We could invest the money now and give him £300,000 when he turns 25 for a house deposit for example

There is so much to weigh up! It’s a great school, not a hot house but pretty academic. The school suits him very well. He would thrive there.

we have a ‘good’ state secondary school to consider. Not outstanding, gets very average results. He would hopefully be fine there. I want to send him here with his friends from his state primary.

We can afford the fees but it would eat into our future savings. We live in a normal house, no mortgage, and both work full time.

I don’t know what to do for the best long term.

Anyone else had these considerations? If so how did you reach your decision, and are you happy with it?

YANBU - send him to the state secondary.
YABU - go private

Violence and disruption is rife in state schools here in Scotland no matter how ‘naice’ the catchment. Private schools are a safe haven where teachers can teach and pupils can learn. How violent is the state option? That would be my main consideration. The teachers are the same sort of level between the two (we’ve had kids in both) but the private school can devote so much more time to teaching as the behavioural distractions don’t exist.

I would go state, plus tutors if needed.
Im sure he will be thankful for a house deposit in his 20's.

I don’t think it is.

I grew up knowing some very wealthy people who went to some of the best private schools. But it want for education really, they were from families where those schools were just part of what they did. It was a “who you know” type thing, what family you are from. It was just expected that they went to those schools and they didn’t really do well in life due to education, it was family money and who they knew.

If you aren’t from one of those families, your face won’t fit and it’s a bit pointless.

I know people who have scrimped to put their children through private schools and it’s really made no difference to most of them academically. And actually, if you aren’t very well off and able to keep up, it’s harmed the children socially.

My ex husbands family were like the first example I mentioned. They were all expected, and have gone to Eton or the girls to Marlborough.

My ds didn’t - we divorced when he was 5, so he was pulled out of prep (I am not like them, they looked down on me so wrote ds off and wouldn’t pay).

He has cousins his age (early 20s) and honestly, I’m glad he got into a grammar and didn’t go to one of those schools. He doesn’t have much to do with his fathers family but when he’s seen them, he comments that he’s so glad he didn’t end up like them (crushing bores and absolute snobs who aren’t really that bright).

I’m not sure OP. Debating the same here.

Prep schools £25-30k now, secondaries £30k+.

So probably £250k just for secondary - or £500k all the way through.

I can’t rationalise it at all, the numbers are too huge, and require a consistent high income for so many years. For two it will be £5k+ month.

Im leaning towards investing the money for them instead - you could fund uni, a huge house deposit, and plenty left over for tutoring, amazing travelling together etc.

You could always send to the state secondary and move at 13 (if realistic?), once you’ve assessed if it’s any good / can meet his needs.

The price of the schools is ridiculous now - I have no idea how they will survive. The prep system already seems to be collapsing - not many millennials with the cash to afford it + ludicrous house prices.

This is the other side of it as well.

I don’t live in the best area now, but thank god my dd passed the 11+ and goes to a grammar in the nearest city.

State schools where I am are dire, behaviour issues. There really aren’t any private schools near us, and we couldn’t afford it anyway, so we would have had to have moved to a better area and massively downsized.

We don’t have grammar schools here.

State. Seems a waste of money. What does the child want?

If it’s a good state school then I’d seriously consider sending him there and see how it goes - you could always move him to the independent school later on if necessary. I say this as someone who sends their primary school child to an independent school and is wishing there was a ‘good’ state secondary school locally (they are all underperforming) as the cost of senior school is eye watering, and then there’s the possibility of university costs on top (although I’m not sure that will be the default route by then).

Like you, I’m really struggling to determine if it’s worth it or whether we should use some of the money to move close to a decent state school. Our financial position is similar - no mortgage, both work full time, decent income and savings, modest house.

Is there any chance of a scholarship to reduce the financial burden? Have you visited both schools to get a feel for them?

Sounds exactly like me right now!!

we are also considering state for year 7&8, and could move him at year 9 if it’s not going well.

he is smart so he is likely to pass the 13+. We are in an area with lots of private schools to choose from. Co-ed and single sex.

If he wants to go to university, will you be able to support your DS through that and associated accommodation costs?

We moved into catchment for an outstanding state school with excellent results and very good behaviour. So increased our mortgage and invested in our kids futures that way instead. Both children will go that school (eldest is in year 9 already and we’re very happy with it) and we live in a nice house in a nice area that will increase or at least hold its value due to the school catchment.

Re primary friends, ds stuck to his primary friends like glue in the beginning of year 7 but 2 years later, he and they have all formed new friendship groups which I think is pretty normal.

Until my own DD started secondary I would have said don’t waste your money and go to state. However, she is at what is supposedly the best school in the county for results - very middle class area. Behaviour is regularly disruptive, teachers are often off and they all get put in the hall for cover lessons in large groups. Since starting her enthusiasm for learning has dipped a lot - she behaves and gets on with it but she is apathetic at best. I wish I had the money to take her out and pay. So I’d pay if I were you!

Then this could be worth a gamble.

If he’s smart he will do well anywhere - and you can get a lot of tutoring for £30k a year…!

Another question I have now is, at £30k+ a year, is who exactly are their peers going to be? I don’t really want them exposed primarily to the super rich - or only the kids of bankers. I don’t know how you get a read on this really..!

You may get more feedback if you post this in the private school forum OP. For what it's worth, we are doing prep school, soley to "guarantee" (I know you can't guarantee but it's a far far far better bet) to get our DC into the academically highly selective private secondary we want them to go to. Ideally I think we would have done state primary plus tutoring but our state option is "meh" and I think even with intensive long years of tutoring it wouldn't compete with the prep school feeder, which spends most of year 5 & 6 "prepping" for the secondary interviews.

yes it's going to be very very very expensive. If costs didn't change at all (ha, dream world) then currently looking at £150k for primary and then £150k for secondary. £300k. Gulp. But.., I think (hope) it'll be worth it for a secure, happy, peaceful, dedicated schooling

I mean I can only speak for myself here - but we don’t have ‘the face’ or the ‘connections’ as one other poster pointed out you need for these schools - it’s a strange way to think that you’ll ONLY fit in if you have some powerful last name - almost all of the kids my kids go to school with have normal working parents (lawyers etc) for us - we always said we would send to private, we did the maths and decided we could afford to send two to private so we had two kids - no good schools round us state wise. They have been in the prep and have thrived - one is now year 7 and the other year 5 - it’s an amazing school with amazing facilities and the results are very very good. We are happy with our choice - it suits them. One of my children desperately wants to board but I’m not keen…

Start at the state school, if it doesn’t work out move to private. Some state schools are brilliant, some are shocking. Some private schools are brilliant some are shocking. ultimately it all comes down to the Head teacher. A good head = a good school, a bad head = a bad school. You can start off with a brilliant school because they have an excellent head teacher who then retires / moves and within two years of a new head the school has completely lost its way.

As someone who is sending their child private (at more like £300k for secondary once you factor in the fee increases each year) I don’t think it’s necessarily worth the money, especially as you have a good secondary near you.

We are sending private are happy with our choice (especially as we didn’t have a good state we were happy with near us), and don’t regret it. But I do firmly believe house deposit and uni fees paid in full would probably be much more sensible way to spend the money.

You always try the state for 2 years and then see if there is an occasional place for Y9 or go private for A levels?

A lot of the parents aren’t super rich, they’re fairly normal - but it’s the grandparents who foot the bill. I’d say that’s about 40-50%. Then there’s the doctors, lawyers and high flying finance workers. Then there’s the parents of SEN kids who just need a calm atmosphere. These are people really scraping the money together. The super rich make up a surprisingly small percentage.

I think it’s hard to judge exactly where your child will thrive as every child is in a unique situation.

My niece went to a very bad secondary by any standards, took three years to get her a levels because the school managed Covid really poorly. She went to an ok uni as she failed to get her first choice owing to grades but she’s just got an excellent graduate level job on her first interview.
She is incredibly well read, extremely musical, has had loads of jobs, is a great cook, she’s a delightful person and a very strong character.

She thrived despite a going to a really weak school and has just got an excellent graduate STEM job in a very sought after area. The interviewers obviously found her to be someone they wanted to join the team, someone who would be a good team member.

She met loads of private school kids at uni who all had cars and wanted to know where she was going skiing that year. She found a lot of them very entitled and assuming of privilege in others. She found some of them believed that they were better than the students from the state sector. She found that pretty hilarious and also offensive.

Children are individuals and private education statistically will buy them access to more opportunities, smaller classes and to better results but only if it suits them. Some kids thrive more living at home.

But if you can get your child into a good enough state school you are preparing them for the real world as it is for most people.

But I think the private sector can be brilliant for some kids who absolutely cannot function in a big rugged school.

It depends. Are there inheritances due in the future? Could you move near a good state school? I agree about friendship groups changing as they age. For what it’s worth I went to a state girls school which was quite good education wise but then I was bullied (it had a culture of bullying which was rarely sorted) and my mum when I was 15 paid for private education through to end sixth form. I was much happier there and probably would’ve benefited going there from the start. Even then it was just a standard private school not the best nor worse in the area.

I know some families who are questioning their private school choices for this reason. These are extremely well off professional people but who are frustrated that their children's entire class have parents who are bankers/financial services. This is in London, where housing costs are so high that many high earning professionals can't afford school fees and there are a lot of good state options.

However, they haven't actually taken their kids out of private school - they've just moved out of London! So it probably varies a lot area to area what income gets you into a private school bracket.

Unless the financial system in this country changes, I do think a £300k house deposit is probably more of a leg up than almost any private education can buy you.

Your niece sounds lucky to have done so well. In my secondary girls school there were a few girls who did well but they stayed focused on their studies. And the bullies left them alone. It takes a strong character to survive.

I think it depends how much you have in savings and how much you can continue to save. Private school gives a leg up but not as much as it used to, and financial contribution can be much more useful. If you can afford private school and still afford to give help for university and house deposits, as well as giving good life experiences for DC, then it might be a good choice. If paying for private will affect you being able to do those things then I’d go state as house deposits and university fees will be much more useful. You could go state and pay go tutors if needed.

It used to be said that state school pupils took drugs….public school pupils were the ones that sold them. Maybe your ‘safe haven’ schools in Scotland (doesn’t Scotland have the most drug problems & drug related deaths?) just hide the problem better.

There is a huge difference between private schools and public schools such as Eton.