Private school fees- is it worth the £250k?

[SchoolDilemmas123]

AIBU about potential school fees?
I want to send my DS to the local state secondary but my DH wants the private route.

My DS has a place at an independent school for year 7, starting in Sept 2026.
The fees in his first year will be £30,000 (£10,000 per term) plus uniform and trips.
So we are looking at least £250,000 for his education until the end 6th form.

When you put it like that…. It’s an awful
Lot money that might be better spent elsewhere. We could invest the money now and give him £300,000 when he turns 25 for a house deposit for example

There is so much to weigh up! It’s a great school, not a hot house but pretty academic. The school suits him very well. He would thrive there.

we have a ‘good’ state secondary school to consider. Not outstanding, gets very average results. He would hopefully be fine there. I want to send him here with his friends from his state primary.

We can afford the fees but it would eat into our future savings. We live in a normal house, no mortgage, and both work full time.

I don’t know what to do for the best long term.

Anyone else had these considerations? If so how did you reach your decision, and are you happy with it?

YANBU - send him to the state secondary.
YABU - go private

I don’t think there’s a black and white answer to this — it really depends on your circumstances, the state school options near you, what you and your child want from secondary school, and even longer-term plans like uni.

I had exactly the same dilemma, but I’m leaning more towards independent. From what I’ve seen (I work in a secondary school), environment makes such a difference. In some settings, teachers spend a lot of time managing behaviour, and the more able kids can end up just getting through worksheets. In the right independent school, I feel my DC would be more stretched and actually enjoy proper learning.

Also, not everyone who sends their child to private school is super wealthy. I know plenty of families who make big sacrifices to afford it. The kids don’t always do every trip or extra, but they seem to appreciate the opportunity and the environment they’re in.

That said, I personally wouldn’t go independent unless it was academically selective (or there was a very specific need that couldn’t be met elsewhere). But that’s just my take based on what I’ve seen.

If money was no object, I'd probably go private that standard state school, as pastoral care is much better and they'll leave confidence that the school would build.

Personally think selective grammar schools, like QE or HB, are much better..full of normal well behaved children. Is that an option for you?

Our approach was to send dc to private primary where they had a wonderful time and took up music lessons etc. We were lucky to live close to a super selective grammar which dc received offers for. However they also had offers and scholarships for the top independent schools. It was very hard to decide but we went with the grammar and they couldn’t have done better academically. Sporting, musical and extra curricular activities were good but not as obviously strong as at the independent. Dc had to develop a lot of resilience as there was no hand holding or opportunities dropping into their laps compared to their independent school friends. I felt I had to provide a lot of support (not expected).

They ended up at a top uni alongside a couple of their old primary friends on very competitive courses. The majority of their independent and grammar friends went to good RG uni’s or equivalent. I would say they’re quietly confident but not as confident as their friends. However , we’re not from a privileged background whereas their friends from primary were almost all quite wealthy.

I now have a nice sum set aside for dc for house deposit and we were able to pay their uni fees but we couldn’t have done deposit/fees and secondary school fees. If you have enough money to cover everything comfortably then I’d go for private all the way through. It’s just an easier experience for them but, in my experience, I don’t think it offers enough value for the cost.

Would be wonderful if the appropriate schools were available for more of our children whether selective or SEND.

Really good points that get frequently get overlooked . For me the value in private school is the safe space, behaviour standards and having a school that’s just a really enjoyable place to be.
Your local comp may offer this so don’t judge automatically.
I don’t ’value’ private education based on the exam results but on dc having a really happy, safe and productive school life. For us that is in a private school but this will vary.

I’m a teacher in an indie (did many years in state ed) and was talking with a state school teacher friend at the weekend. She isn’t in a “naice” school but it has good from Ofsted. What she described was fucking feral. The behaviours, level of disruption and low level of attainment was just horrific. She was saying that behaviour has declined so much since Covid and they can’t get it back. DC was with me and I reminded them I send them to my indie school (with a discount) so that they are protected from this nonsense.

Properly good state schools still have massive issues but what’s the choice for most families?

OP, it is a massive investment and may not be right for your family. I think you need to check out the state school/speak to parents from the school to determine if it’s right for you.

This has been our experience of state school too. It is the major factor in our DC going private, and means I will put all my effort into having enough money to send next DC.

To counter the doom we are coming out the other side of state. Two happy well adjusted young people with lots of nice friends who have achieved their potential academically one.at ine heading to RG universities. Not a scenario I would have paid £250k (times 2!?) to avoid!

Same. We have three teenagers in state school at the moment, all predicted string of 8s /9s at GCSE. All have lovely groups of friends.

Zero drinking/drugs /violence and lots of great hobbies and friendships

Admittedly I don't know what lower ability classes are like but they have had a lovely time in the top sets

I am glad we kept the cash to fund uni and house deposits

I was listening to a group of private school teens when on a train recently and they sounded far more feral -lots of talk of drugs and promiscuity

I don't think we can generalise about either sector

@Acommonreaderi think you have made a really important point.

A lot of really good state schools (not grammar schools) are in very expensive catchment areas. And without causing offence, means the likelihood of having a better learning environment and less disruption for everyone is much higher. My child has got into a a great school because I live in a flat not a house or else there is no way I’d be able to afford the catchment area. Many friends I know live in impressive houses in cheaper areas of the country, but now they’re thinking of secondary schools the standard or state schools are pretty dismal (think knife crime etc)! It’s because of these incidences they are now looking at private schools.

If you live in an area with great state schools utilise them (not all state schools are horrendous and scary) if they aren’t and you can afford it then I’d pay private! As people say, we all want our kids to learn in safe spaces.

Same here. The academic kids in DD's year are off to similar destinations to the academic kids from the independent schools - Oxbridge, Russell Group, UAL, Royal College of Music, a couple of European universities. None have applied to US ivy League universities, but the USA is less appealing as a university destination these days. They've played in sports teams and musical ensembles, performed in plays and concerts, taken part in competitions and societies. DS is doing an additional GCSE in a state/private school partnership and doesn't notice any real difference between the privately educated children and the ones from his comprehensive, or between the quality of teaching.

We don't live in an exclusive wealthy area, either. My street is a fairly socially mixed council estate with families ranging from professionals to long-term benefits claimants. Our family income is below the national household average.

Mine had an offer from a top independent school and a superselective grammar school. Chose the latter and we’re very happy with our decision. If we didn’t have the grammar option we would have opted independent though - he’s such a high performing child we wanted to make sure he had all the opportunities.

Would you ever consider moving to a grammar area, if he’s not happy with the comp starting this september? The difference between a (super selective) grammar and a comp is that it’s so easy to find likeminded peers, and it’s actually “cool” to be highly academic. Really depends on the child, but I know mine would have really struggled in any comprehensive.

Thanks @dancingredshoes . Happy, safe, flourishing environments seem to get overlooked in favour of pure results. My dc are bright but tbh not geniuses!They are not going to Oxbridge but will do well.
I just want a school they enjoy with lots of extra curriculum, nice kids and interested , motivated teachers.

Not all kids can get into Grammar schools but still want to learn. I guess one thing on the side of the OP is as they are no Grammar schools in the area then the brightest kids are at the local state schools.

Often people want a nurturing, non pressured, calmer environment where education is the focus.

I say this as a working class state educated person who went to a Russell Group. There is a phenomenal difference between my school experience and my DHs as he went to Pvte School, I had better results as I’m naturally bright and worked hard. But I would have loved his school experience over mine.

What evidence do you want. It’s absolutely the case and always has been. Anecdotal only but I have 3 kids in private secondary - almost
all of their friends are having fees paid in whole or part by grandparents. We are unusual to be paying out of income and thanks to the imposition of VAT and freezing of income tax thresholds we will be sending our youngest child to state until year 9 as even on relatively high incomes we can’t make the numbers work anymore. I know because I am friends with the parents and they told me. The parents are generally quite high earning btw - but that’s why they are able to afford nice houses, big holidays and school fees. If it’s from earnt income unless you are a super high earning household (or one child only) it is impossible to do more than 2 of the 3 generally and even that is difficult.

Lots of doctors with kids in private btw. Consultants are rightly paid 6 figures and many have a private practice on top.

the demographic paying school fees (or not really) is going to change over the next 10 years though - I first bought property in 2001 and that has helped meaning my mortgage is manageable for a large home (bought 2012). People that only go on the ladder 2015 onwards are going to struggle much more I think.

You have a point - particularly state schools that aren’t close to grammars can be good options.

I just think it really depends on the kids and what options they have and parents need to make the best choice for them. If things don’t work out they can always redirect later etc.

Kids only get one childhood and one chance at an education. The memories stay with them for a life time. Hence, you choose a school where your child will flourish academically, socially and extracurricularly. How the school is funded (whether by the state or yourselves) should not be the primary consideration.

If you genuinely believe he will truly flourish in the local secondary send him there. If he will not, then do not.
For some children, they need to be local, have local friends etc and that is more likely to make them flourish then sending them off to a highly academic competitive independent school miles away.
What kind of child your child is and where they will flourish having looked at all the options available to you, is an important choice parents need to make. And you need to be on the same page as your DH. So both have to look at all the options and understand your DS to the same extent and neither of you should be swayed by your own experiences too much.

This is a great perspective. One shot at it. The one shot really does shape who they are and what their future will look like. They spend the best part of their day at school - it needs to be a place where they are happy and will thrive. Where the challenges and obstacles are met with support and can be overcome.

My ds is at a top selective school. Where there’s zero tolerance for the stuff I’ve read on here. A child would be expelled for some of the stuff that’s brushed off on here too. If anything, your ds earned a place at the private school, doesn’t that say something? His academic potential will be nurtured individually and there will be lots of effort to ensure he thrives. If you’re certain he will get that at both schools, then save the money.

people also sometimes only look at it from an academic perspective and feel it’s a waste of money. It’s so much more than that. The environment, the types of children who are your kids peers, their day to day happiness, the type of relationships you have with the school and teachers and so much more.

We could have just about afforded an independent school but we looked at what our children were interested in and what appealed to them. We moved to the catchment of a state secondary that has been Ofsted outstanding for years. We have always been interested in our children’s interests and development & supported them with their interests. We didn’t hothouse them but allowed them to evolve their interests. They achieved outstanding results in most of their GCSEs and A levels. We accepted when they said that some compulsory subjects (RE) were of no interest to them and agreed with them that they focus on those that mattered to them. I supported them with their UCAS apps. Both our DSs got into the top 5 red brick unis of their choice. Conversely, I work with a lot ppl who sent their children to highly respected independent schools & achieved lower results and didn’t get into the top tier Unis or competitive courses of their choice. Independent schools are not a sure bet — I noted that cultural background and/or parent’s input played a bigger role for some.

Both our DSs got into the top 5 red brick unis of their choice. Conversely, I work with a lot ppl who sent their children to highly respected independent schools & achieved lower results and didn’t get into the top tier Unis or competitive courses of their choice. Independent schools are not a sure bet — I noted that cultural background and/or parent’s input played a bigger role for some.

But maybe their children were happy, socially well adjusted, and had good results for them.

My DC at private school isn’t academic. She’s at an independent school which had a strong focus on sport and friendships and is thriving. There will definitely be kids from their primary who are at state and will get better results academically, but that doesn’t mean my DC would have done ‘better’ at state.

State with tutoring as necessary. The cream always rises to the top. Mine did very well all through state schools, went to RG uni’s and are now in grad jobs/doing internships as part of their masters. They are hardy characters though, resilient, sociable and sporty and had access to excellent extra curricular activities which tbh were the making of them as much as the education. Uni cost us a fortune in a bid to leave them in as little debt as possible but I’m glad we did it this way.

Anecdotal….the best sort of evidence!

Our experience of private vs state was exactly the opposite. Horrible bullying in private, children getting away with murder because their wealthy and influential parents would complain about any consequences, discipline non-existent, children school refusing or being pulled out of certain lessons (like games) because of being bullied, children having sex and drinking on school trips, pupils assaulting staff. State school very strict on behaviour by comparison, no favouritism, clear and immediate consequences for any misbehaviour, very little disruption in lessons. Not sure if it makes any difference but our private school pulls most of its pupils from incredibly wealthy backgrounds who are there from nursery all through to sixth form and is very big on sport, I know some others are more focused on academics and have more pupils joining at different points (so perhaps less cliquey). Some parents at our state school complain about the school being too strict on minor infringements (like uniform) but I'd rather have that than the law of the jungle we had in the private.

100% this. I couldn't agree more. (Privately educated myself)

I don’t get all the daggers about independent schools.

As a parent, choose where you want your child to be educated and get on with it.

Choose where you want to take your holidays, Bognor Regis or Croatia and get on with it.

Choose where you want to buy your groceries, Waitrose or Iceland and get on with it.

I’m happy with my choice for independent, and got on with it. Money well spent. ONLY YOU as a parent knows what will suit your child. Some ransoms on the internet who live a whole different life to you, cannot say what is best for your child.