Am I right to feel hurt over those comments ???

[BeNimblePeachDuck]

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are both 42 and have two boys, 10 and 8. It’s half term this week, so they’ve been at his parents’ and we decided to have a night to ourselves on Friday. He booked a lovely restaurant, enjoyed the phone and we had a great time , we were cackling in the restaurant then we had a few drinks at a bar afterward, and then went home.

We’ve always had a great marriage I really love him, and I think we’ve always been quite “vanilla” in the bedroom. But I thought maybe we could try something different just this once. I suggested a different position instead thinking it might be fun to mix things up.
Instead of being open, he got upset and said he wasn’t going to “degrade his wife,” and asking what was wrong with me. I was shocked and didn’t really know what to say. We carried on, he kissed me on the forehead, went to shower, and then fell asleep.

I keep thinking about it and I feel hurt, confused, and embarrassed. I don’t want to overreact, but I also can’t shake it. I guess I just thought he’d be open to exploring a little, but he’s so closed off. I haven’t told any of my friends because I feel too ashamed. We have frequent sex sometimes 5 times a week and I’d like to try new things I feel confident in my body, my husband and I met at university and back then we explored each other we’d try new things all the time but now he is not interested at all I buy lingerie he says it’s silly, I say maybe we should try role play he says that’s stupid and he just wants me not this.

Is this just a middle aged man thing or should I be worried about my marriage

My DH had a five year affair while we were having boring, perfunctory sex every single day. I felt like an idiot because like lots of women, I foolishly believed that he couldn’t possibly ever be unfaithful because we were having sex so often. Affairs are not just undertaken by men in sex-starved marriages.

Men who separate sex and love will still “make love” (ie. have boring sex) to their wives (Madonnas), but crave exciting sex from their affair partners (their “whores”). If their wife wants exciting sex they immediately see that as “whorish” behaviour. They can’t bear to acknowledge that their wife has a sexuality. They want their wives to be virginal and pure.

There is more nuance to this

I didn’t come here for complete support I came here for advice

I think he might have just been caught on the spot; however, what he said was more than unkind.

A frank conversation is needed and assert that you won't be made to feel shameful for wanting something different. You are not forcing him into it, and you respect he said no but he has to respect that you would like different things.

Again it doesn't mean you are forcing him into it you would just like to be heard.

This, OP. You should have communicated this prior to actually being in bed. Especially if it's very different from what you usually do.
I would have been taken aback, too. It's obviously OK to want more, though.

Speak to him in a calmer moment about wanting to try something new and work up to it together. If he's completely against what you want, you need to decide what's more important. But no one should do anything sexually that they're not comfortable with. Men or women.

Quite.

I first asked him if we could switch to doggy then I asked him if I can get on top. I didn’t force him I just thought switching things up would be nice for both of us. He didn’t a
want to and I respected that but I think the comments he made made me upset even after day before that he told me I thought wearing lingerie would “spice” things up I was wrong he told I shouldn’t act desperate we are already married and he loves me for me

We haven’t always been like this or at least he hasn’t.

That’s incredibly tame compared to some of the suggestions on here. If you said that to start with you’d probably have had different responses. Absolutely nothing wrong with that and a strong conversation with your husband is required over the lack of variety in your sex life if you’re doing it 5 times a week. I’d be bored too. He may be having an affair and getting something more exciting elsewhere. Or he may just be dull. Either way it should work for you both and you need to discuss it outside of the bedroom.

I’m sorry you had to go through that.

Do I just ask him if he’s seeing someone else ? I’m already so low right now can’t much worse.

Him calling you names is completely uncalled for and inappropriate. Obviously he doesn't have to do anything sexually that he feels uncomfortable with but he could communicate that respectfully. Doggy style and going on top are hardly "out there" and I think a normal part of most people's sex lives. I'm not surprised you wanted something to spice things up!

Op, you definitely not wrong for having this convo with him. Its not my place to determine what is acceptable for someone' in the bedroom but you're his wife and you have the right to ask. He did not have the right to shame you.

Personally the way he spoke to you and called you names is disgusting. I think you should speak to him and let him know this. good luck and I hope he says sorry and acts better.

hi op partly it's bc this was posted in aibu, you might get more measured replies if it is moved to relationships etc. did he apologise for his use of language? that's more degrading to the marriage than just a (fairly standard tbf) change of position.

In what normal sex life would you have to communicate that you might go on top half way through? In every relationship I've ever had changing of positions either happens spontaneously or one of us will suggest it and it either happens or doesn't. Not once have I had to schedule moving positions before sex even starts.

Bloody hell OP what did you ask him to do? 😭

I don’t think your marriage is in trouble, I do think maybe springing it on him in the moment made him stressed and that’s why you got the reaction you did - I understand why you feel awkward and embarrassed though. I think maybe you’re overthinking this one incident a little bit and you should take a step back, give it a few days, and then have a calm talk with him about it. Ask if there’s anything he would like to do, tell him that his response made you anxious and you’re sorry if you made him uncomfortable but that wasn’t your intention.

changing positions has always been an organic thing for me in any relationship i've had, i've never asked or been asked to do that.

You have your reasons for thinking he could be cheating, maybe he is or he isn't who knows? that's an avenue you would need to explore.

I think expecting them not to shame you for the suggestions with words such as degrading and whore is fair. Just a simple, 'that's not for me' would be fine, the way the OPs husband has acted is not okay.

He does seem to have gone strangely puritanical if he thinks you going on top is somehow whorish.

If you're having sex 5 times a week though then an affair on top seems like a lot. I think it's more likely that he's getting the 'whorish' stuff from porn rather than an affair.

It’s different perspectives. I yearned for a vanilla sex life with a vanilla guy because I was tired of swinging from the chandelier with my ex.

Think of it this way, if a man got stroppy and offended because his wife didn’t want to get spicier, despite plenty of sex, would we be supporting him?

It’s not every week 5 times a week but it’s often. Surely he’d want to switch things up from time to time which is why i think he may be getting it from somewhere else.

How old are you both?

I don’t know why users are playing dumb and going out of their way to not understand your concerns, they’re pretty valid even if you had gasp! suggested anal.

Like someone else said there’s definitely a madonna/whore complex going on. I wouldn’t say anything right now but I’d be digging to see if he’s either having an affair or watching too much porn. Your sexual interests don’t just disappear, he wouldn’t have suddenly turned vanilla overnight - he has to be getting his supply in one way or another.

Plus the nerve of saying he doesn’t want to degrade you, as if using you as a pump and dump doll 5x week with no interest in your pleasure isn’t using you. Some men…

Could it be as he’s getting older he’s struggling to maintain an erection and the change in position could have caused him problems?

I would have been really offended and upset if my DH said those things to me. Whilst no one has to do anything in bed they don’t want to, I think communication is key to a good sexlife. I like to know what turns my DH on even if I don’t fancy doing it in that moment (or at all). And he’s the same towards me. Neither of us are afraid to be ourselves and communicating that doesn’t mean you are pressuring the other person as long as you don’t get upset or sulk if you don’t get it.

What are other signs he is cheating? Phone glued to him? Work trips increased?

I wouldn’t assume cheating but more he’s boring in bed and bad at communicating.

And I’m sorry you’re going through it. 💐 I’m also sorry that you’ve been given such a hard time on here by women who don’t understand that you’d be reluctant to state what it was you wanted from your DH when you were so badly shamed by him the last time you said it.

You could ask him, but 99% he will just deny it. But you do need to talk to him. Explain how it makes you feel. Maybe suggest sex therapy for you both. If he is absolutely resistant and happy with the status quo, you have a decision to make.

Being honest, I’d play my cards close to my chest for a bit longer and see if you can find any evidence of an affair. I discovered my ex’s by checking his phone bill. I found a number he called regularly that I didn’t recognise. So I saved it in my phone and found her on WhatsApp. Good luck x

Do you have any other reason to suspect though? Does he have the time/opportunity? Sex workers are another possibility but I still think porn is more likely.
He's highly unlikely to just admit it if there is something going on and asking him outright will mean he covers his tracks more carefully. Maybe ask to borrow his phone and see how that goes.

Maybe he is trying to knock your confidence ?
Have no idea why thou !
Maybe he is cheating and thinks u might ?
And if he can knock your confidence then u won't cheat ? God knows it does seem strange comment to make to u ? Obviously doggy style and being on top is just a sexual position it's nothing overly obsene just seems over the top reaction on his part I'm not surprised u feeling hurt x

I'm not saying he's cheating, but I had a casual thing with a guy once, absolutely wild sex, and I found out he had a long term partner (I genuinely didn't know until she contacted me). When we spoke about him, I thought we were talking about a completely different person, to her he was a missionary, lights off, twice a week type. I never really understood why he was such different ends of the spectrum depending on who he was with - but PP mentioning the Madonna/whore thing does kind of make sense.