Am I right to feel hurt over those comments ???

[BeNimblePeachDuck]

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are both 42 and have two boys, 10 and 8. It’s half term this week, so they’ve been at his parents’ and we decided to have a night to ourselves on Friday. He booked a lovely restaurant, enjoyed the phone and we had a great time , we were cackling in the restaurant then we had a few drinks at a bar afterward, and then went home.

We’ve always had a great marriage I really love him, and I think we’ve always been quite “vanilla” in the bedroom. But I thought maybe we could try something different just this once. I suggested a different position instead thinking it might be fun to mix things up.
Instead of being open, he got upset and said he wasn’t going to “degrade his wife,” and asking what was wrong with me. I was shocked and didn’t really know what to say. We carried on, he kissed me on the forehead, went to shower, and then fell asleep.

I keep thinking about it and I feel hurt, confused, and embarrassed. I don’t want to overreact, but I also can’t shake it. I guess I just thought he’d be open to exploring a little, but he’s so closed off. I haven’t told any of my friends because I feel too ashamed. We have frequent sex sometimes 5 times a week and I’d like to try new things I feel confident in my body, my husband and I met at university and back then we explored each other we’d try new things all the time but now he is not interested at all I buy lingerie he says it’s silly, I say maybe we should try role play he says that’s stupid and he just wants me not this.

Is this just a middle aged man thing or should I be worried about my marriage

Oh wow. That's not ok.

Him being 'uncomfortable' with trying something is completely ok.
Him calling you a 'whore' for suggesting it is absolutely not ok. You are married to each other; you're allowed to make suggestions that you might want to try without him trying to degrade and shame you for it.

I'd be deeply unhappy with him. You have nothing to feel ashamed of but he should. This needs to be addressed.

Ok that’s a drip feed, so basically he doesn’t want to do anything past missionary and said it was degrading to you? But you have sex 5 times a week ?

im going to ask a difficult question, are you in a shape he finds attractive, the only thing I can think of is both doggy and you on top makes your body more visible, and if he didn’t use to be like this before, then something changed, missionary he doesn’t see you other than arguably your face. Could there be a physical attraction issue?

You might have taken that too literally. We don’t have sex five times every single week should have made that more clear it was an exaggeration it’s very hard over text to display what I meant. Essentially our sex life isn't “dead” we have sex often.

I am in pretty good shape, I go to the gym 3 times a week when I’m working from the office after work, I still row with a team not as intense as at university but I’ve been rowing since I was 7/8, I do take care of myself and maybe you’re right and he’s not attracted to me anymore I wish he’d just say that.

My body is not going to look the same way it did when I first met him at 18, I was somewhat underweight I think I look better now than I did even in my 20s.

Those are both completely normal vanilla sex positions!!!! Missionary 5 times a week would bore me..

I've read all of your posts @BeNimblePeachDuck but just wanted to clarify... You wanted to switch to doggy / you on top whilst having sex and your husband called you a whore for suggesting it?

Neither of those positions are even remotely kinky so something isn't right here...

If this is what happened then (in my opinion) there are only two valid reasons. He's either extremely religious / puritanical or, as others have said, he's having sex elsewhere.

I don’t get the link between not wanting to do these positions means you’re having an affair, can you explain?

www.refinery29.com/en-gb/what-is-madonna-whore-complex

Do you think it's normal for a man to call his wife a whore for suggesting doggy style / her on top (both of which are very normal sex positions)?

There are not many men in this world who, if their wife suggested being fucked from behind, would be outraged.

The two (known) exceptions being that he's hugely religious and believes that anything outside of missionary is "dirty" and he doesn't want to taint his marriage with something so seedy (!). Or (as the OP herself thinks) he's having an affair / shagging sex workers and therefore engages in far kinkier sex with them, saving his wife for the good old missionary position.

He’s not religious, maybe he’s cheating or watching too much porn im not really sure. I’m too ashamed to even mention this stuff to my friends. I want to just ask him if he is sleeping with someone else and I’m not going to argue or beg for him I just want to know so I can move on. I’ve been very down for a while now and I think this past weekend has just reinforced to me how down I really am.

Um no, I’m not sure why you responded as you did. I simply asked politely why you thought he was having an affair as he wasn’t doing doggy or her on top. I cannot fathom the link, but my view is different, as I don’t see this as kinky stuff.

I’m not stroppy. I’m upset that I’m being shamed for wanting to get on top or doggy. Im respectful of his choice I wouldn’t force him to engage in something he doesn’t want to.

Doggy/on top is bog standard stuff. It's not swinging from the chandelier. Don't let your partner or anyone on here tell you otherwise or shame you for it. I'm not saying he's obliged to do it obviously but it really isn't in any way 'out there'.

Trust your gut OP.

……we decided to have a night to ourselves on Friday. He booked a lovely restaurant, enjoyed the phone and we had a great time , we were cackling in the restaurant then we had a few drinks at a bar afterward, and then went home.

OP, this doesn't sound to me, like a husband who is cheating or doesn’t want to be with you.

Tell him you need to talk to him and then tell him why you think he may be having sex with someone else.
I know you are smarting from his poor use of words the other night but the only way you are going to settle this dilemma in your mind, is to talk to him and see how he responds.

No it's not kinky stuff... That's exactly what I said 😐And why I said that it's very extreme to call someone a whore for suggesting something which is completely normal. Although tbh, I don't think there is much (if anything) that justifies being called a whore - kinky or not!

And everyone seems to be glossing over / ignoring the fact that the OP has already said she suspects he's cheating on her. Which makes sense in terms of his attitude to her suggesting that they make their sex life more exciting.

You been having sex with him for well over a decade and you only do missionary? Is that what you're telling us? I'm finding it difficult to understand what's really going on here as that doesn't sound very true tbh.

No at the start we would try all sorts

Maybe I’m overthinking because I’ve been so down

I wouldn’t be so sure, I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, plenty of great sex, reassurance, he was even the one bringing up marriage…..….

………only for me to get a message from
the other woman.

I think you need to address the sexual stuff before asking him if he's having an affair.

Could you have a calm conversation where you tell him how you don't understand why you've stopped having sex in certain positions. Ask him why he used to enjoy those but doesn't want to do them anymore. What's changed?

Try to be open and curious, and let him explain himself. If he won't, or can't, I think you are going to need to think carefully about whether this is the person you want to be with going forwards. Someone who is puritanical about sex and shames you for perfectly normal, 'vanilla' likes. Someone who won't communicate in an adult way about your sex life. I guarantee that unless he opens up and discusses this with you now, it will never ever get better and it may get significantly worse.

But now its solely missionary? If you can both orgasm from that, fine i guess but doggy or on top is perfectly normal, no need to be shamed.

You have suspisions already, I think you need to take notice.

I have previously asked him why the change and he doesn’t seem to have an answer. I recently told him that I don’t like the way he speaks to me when I suggest something it really hurts me and has made me so low my confidence has been so low. It was his birthday in January and I went out and bought nice lingerie and we went out to eat for his birthday. I thought I’d surprise him by changing into lingerie when we got back from the meal and he called me a lot of things here’s a few, desperate said I didn’t need to be so fucking desperate, says he wasn’t into it and it’s silly and that I’m degrading myself I’m his wife not a slut he picked up and I should respect myself. I went back and got changed I think I cried I felt so embarrassed but went back and acted like I was okay.

Maybe he’s not having an affair but he certainly doesn’t love me anymore if he’s willing to break me down that much.

Id be so hurt if my partner spoke to me like this, its not okay

Then things have changed. He is now abusive towards you. Time to end it.

oh op @BeNimblePeachDuck 💔he's putting you down to control you ...he sounds like he is shaming you to break your confidence - my ex did that with me, not so much in the sex life department, although it was part of it, he just more generally chipped away at my self esteem until there wasn't much of me left. It's a thing, sadly, and has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him

Please read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. And reach out to someone IRL