Help me deter neighbours

[Claytonclogs]

I have miserable neighbours. One woman coordinates with another neighbour to make sure that I can’t get my car in the drive most days of the week. My house is at the end of a very narrow dead end track and one of them parks their car opposite my drive each day after I’ve left for work preventing me turning in. Every day, the same charade - I go and ask them to move and maybe they do or maybe they don’t do it for a few hours. They both have drives and garages. They’ve had it in for me since I put in planning application for loft conversion. It was approved easily, it’s legal and was built considerately. I don’t overlook their properties or gardens from the loft.

Confronting doesn’t work, trying to diffuse doesn’t work, and I’m not interested in stuff like blocking their cars in retaliation. I don’t want to go down legal routes because don’t want formal disputes with the neighbours.

So … my goal is to appear so bizarre and wildly unhinged that they will think twice about blocking my drive or taking any action that might lead to an interaction with me. Creative and (legal) suggestions welcome!

Bird seed
Casually throw a handfull on the roof of their car .
The birds will love it , cover their car in shit
Act of God

Look up at the sky puzzled . Works better if there's trees .

(I parked my car perfectly legally and out of everyone's way at my parents . My car looked like Mr Blobby . I had to jet wash it twice in a week ! )

This is what I would do! Do you have any intimidating looking friends?

Park in front of their house, as long as it’s not on a dropped kerb. It’s legal

What a pair of losers. I'd put in a fake planning application for some kind of access road or widening of the narrow track or something through their door to make them sbit themselves, then negotiate when they kick off.

As to mad behaviour to put them off interacting with you, years ago my sister would be stared for ages at a time at by a builder from the stairs of the two story cabins in the carpark outside her garden fence while she pottered in the garden or sunbathed. I said why not crab walk across the garden, freak him out. She did and he went straight into the cabin and he never watched her again , I'm sure his voyeuristic little buzz shrivelled at the sight of a small woman crab scuttling across her garden.

Can you park in their driveways, if they're empty?

Or failing that, park elsewhere but then spray their cars with mud from your front garden every day? Never mind the amount of rain we've had, you're cultivating a swamp and need to vigorously hose it down every evening...

I'd go Blair Witch on them.. piles of sticks next to the car .. maybe a pile of stones.. a chalk pentagram? At the very least they'd have to move them to move their cars.

OP, if you are a lone woman and they are picking on you, here’s what I do.
I encourage multiple friends to call in, multiple different cars, different times, friend’s husbands especially (it gives a subconscious message that you have support and have your own people on-side).

Sometimes these sort of people just dig in further if you address it directly with them - I’d be tempted to go the other way, be breezy and pretend that you don’t notice, be nonchalant, carry on outwardly happy (though inwardly seething).

I saw a very good example of this (and I try modeling it myself) - a mature elegant french lady on a sun-lounger was being directly jostled by 4 aggressive people who were doing all they could to make her uncomfortable. She simply pretended they didn’t exist. She relaxed back with her hat, shades and book - as though they were completely invisible.
They were frustrated - trying to provoke a reaction - that never came.

If you post a plan here, I’m sure we will all have more ideas.

(I have wind-chimes - that only come outside under strict certain circumstances for example…)

Also a discreet wired in camera in my vehicle - but a second massive cheap decoy camera central to the windscreen with signage - that isn’t plugged in - but for great deterrent effect.

ISympathise but I’m just coming on to say if they are parking their car legally opposite your drive there’s nothing you can do

You could ask highways to put double yellows / no parking sign in that location on the basis parking prevents your access. Worth a try

I would definitely go down the route of having friends come and park.

Can the council put up a no parking sign?

We have a street where you can turn but you aren’t allowed to park as it would block peoples drives and the council has a sign up.

Where do you park if you can't get in your drive OP?

There was a good one on MN a few years ago, where someone parked on someone else's driveway, as there was a local carnival and no room along thr roads. The OP parked across her own drive, blocking in the CF, and went on to get drunk at the carnival. When she returned, the CF was already there, fuming, wanting OP to move her car, but she had been drinking so couldn't until the next morning 😂

If you’re at the very end of the road, nobody will need to get past you. So you could just park your car in the middle of the road, right next to the neighbour’s car. Bonus points if you can get it as close to the driver’s side door as possible to stop them opening their door.

Then when they knock to tell you to move your car, make sure you answer the door in the lion costume, waving a bundle of smoking sage, throwing birdseed and smiling creepily. Should only take two or three times before they get the idea.

And any time you spot the space without their car in it, rush out with a huge bag of birdseed and dance around, chanting, making a large car sized protective circle. Make sure you’re wearing the lion suit.

I need a diagram!!!!

Find religion. Every time you interact stay as long as you can talking about it, read from the bible (or other religious book), tell them.you love them and want to save them. Bang on and on and on. You want to reach the point where they will avoid interactions at all costs.

Wind chimes all summer long, massive tuneless ones.

Plant trees / bushes opposite your drive that have sticky leaves or produce a lot of sap, failing that something with purple berries that attracts birds (if the bird poop doesn't get them the purple berries will!)

A eyesore of a car/ caravan / horsetrailer on the road outside yours or opposite one of their drives for ages!

Park directly in front of them so they to reverse down the narrow lane to get out/ onto their drive.

Nahh you should start drawing the outlines of a body…or two 😆

I love this and I don't know why but your username makes me laugh.

I vote for a friend in a high vi's spray painting some yellow dashes etc. Make them think you are doing something else. Any way you can get something massive like loads of top soil or sand delivered that overhangs your drive a bit?

If you can’t get in your driveway, park in their driveway or block them in. When they ask you to move it, say oh sorry I got confused but unfortunately I’ve had a bottle of wine, I’ll move it tomorrow. There is no police involvement for parking in someone’s driveway as it’s a civil matter.

I have a very similar issue! I hate my neighbours on both sides. Partner and I are so considerate to them, would always drop round prosecco for Christmas (stopped now though), we are VERY quiet (no kids) and my partner helps the woman on one side of us out all the time, even though she's an ungrateful alcoholic who later always denies he ever helped her, and blares party music all day long. She doesn't work.

After her latest charade, I decided I had had enough of her, and of the guy on the other side of us. He's also unemployed and so noisy, constantly tinkering with some old car or van outside our door, and steals our private car spaces all the time.

I have now stopped smiling at them when I step outside, mutter to myself, grumble, if there's any rubbish on the ground, I'll look around and yell "if I don't throw this away, no one will!" When I wheel out the bins every week, I make as much noise as possible, lifting the lid and slamming it down really hard. I actively now WANT to come across as a little unhinged and not to be toyed with. That is so against my natural personality, but you have to understand how very annoying these people are (it sounds like you do! Your neighbours sound disgusting). That's what I do. I've only just started so it remains to be seen how it works!

Large delivery of horse mature - in the lane opposite your drive. For the garden, of course.

Then feign a bad back - meaning you’re unable to move it. Bad backs can go on for months.

Just park in front of your drive.

I'm loving this thread