Help me deter neighbours

[Claytonclogs]

I have miserable neighbours. One woman coordinates with another neighbour to make sure that I can’t get my car in the drive most days of the week. My house is at the end of a very narrow dead end track and one of them parks their car opposite my drive each day after I’ve left for work preventing me turning in. Every day, the same charade - I go and ask them to move and maybe they do or maybe they don’t do it for a few hours. They both have drives and garages. They’ve had it in for me since I put in planning application for loft conversion. It was approved easily, it’s legal and was built considerately. I don’t overlook their properties or gardens from the loft.

Confronting doesn’t work, trying to diffuse doesn’t work, and I’m not interested in stuff like blocking their cars in retaliation. I don’t want to go down legal routes because don’t want formal disputes with the neighbours.

So … my goal is to appear so bizarre and wildly unhinged that they will think twice about blocking my drive or taking any action that might lead to an interaction with me. Creative and (legal) suggestions welcome!

Slugs and snails on the windscreen in the summer are disgusting.. and could have got there naturally.,

Exactly, their causing an obstruction.

They're not their...I'm still half asleep!

Lion idea wins.

I’ve no beef with my neighbours but might do this anyway, just for bants.

This might work, unfortunately

Just pretend you’re casting spells in the road outside their house. Get a load of herbs and blow it into the wind and kneel on a rug and mutter spells into the air. If it’s raining all the better. Wear a flimsy dress

OP isn’t going to do anything.

similar issue where I am but with a large van that parks on the road and part on the pavement, but van overhangs the drop kerb by 2/3 feet making getting into drive v difficult sometimes impossible. I bought a cheap car looked for something cheap to tax and insure now its parked on the road. when I bought it I took it to my brothers house and we valeted it so it looks nice, it gets moved and turned around every day or so. Neighbours where also getting fed up with the van and think its great fun.

if the neighbours have visitors its moved so they can park and moved back afterwards.

Park right outside their property every single day that you can’t get on your drive. Just leave your car there.
Don’t even knock and ask them to move their car. Just park straight outside their house.

Tell them not to worry if they see a mountain of a man around your house - your brother is coming to live with you until he gets back on his feet after being in prison.

@Clementine12 This! It’s the only thing that works. Mine were so confused and aggrieved when I did this. It was like they couldn’t make the connection.

Personally if you can get away with it camera wise . I would start having a little walk in your rd whist the spot they park to block you is empty . And casually and stealthy drop some tacks or similar. After a few times of them having to repair tyres they may stop.
If they cant prove its you you would have nothing to worry about .
I dont usually advise such behaviour. But two adult women blatantly bullying you daily deserves it .

I really like this one. You could easily just be throwing it and some accidentally land on cars .

Lots of people suggesting OP just block THEIR drives from the lane when she did specifically say she wasn't interested in doing that ...

and we really don't need a diagram! They're not always necessary ... I thought her description was pretty clear - it's a very narrow lane with a dead end, and her house is right at the end of it but to the side rather than facing onto the dead end, so if someone parks on the lane on front of her drive, they're essentially blocking the entire lane, but 'doesn't matter' because it's the end of the lane ... if she parks further down, opposite their drives, she's blocking the lane herself which I assume would have legality issues as you then can't access the rest of the lane behind her car, even if it's not a through-road.

I used to take a wrong turn in a local small town when looking for a friend's house, it was a sort of mental glitch. The wrong turn was an extremely narrow lane as OP describes, houses on one side and nobody parked on the lane because it would entirely block the lane. There were signs saying NO TURNING (which obviously I'd not noticed ) because basically you couldn't turn unless using someone's drive. Otherwise you'd have to back out all the way. This is the sort of set-up I'm imagining here.

If OP ever comes back to her thread, I think she should invent an imaginary political party and have some big posters and signs printed, with her face on as candidate. Stick them up in your garden overlooking the lane. Maybe some fliers too, to tuck under the wipers of the neighbours' cars when they park there ...

I’m not convinced that you appearing “bizarre and wildly unhinged” is going to help you. If ever a complaint was made about anything in your neighbourhood then you would be reported as being a bit odd.
Are you in a position not to have to drive your car for a while? If so park your own car opposite your driveway or better still across your own driveway.
Some neighbours are selfish arseholes with nothing else better to do than to cause misery for others,

Speak to your council about parking restrictions

Do they know what you do for a living OP? If not, get yourself a hi-vi jacket with POLICE written on the back and wear it with some black trousers. Walk around the offending car whilst wearing it, making little notes in a notebook. Bonus points if you attach a fake radio/phone to the lapel and loudly "report" the vehicle in to your colleagues. Say things like "how soon can they get the tow truck here?"

I’d put shit on the car door handles. See how they like cleaning that everytime

If the track is narrow and you live at the end why not park on the road too?? Seemingly there’d be no one wanting to drive beyond your house anyway AND I’d be tempted to ensure that my near side (passenger side) was SO close to their off side (drivers side) that they wouldn’t be able to open the drivers door.

I'm loving some of the previous comments though…….might try a few where I live - few parking issues but some of the neighbours are just so precious about their gardens and houses and they hate to think anyone’s having work done that they haven’t had done already!

Can you widen the drive so you don't need to turn so much?

Get a port-a-loo install on your drive for no reason... blocking their way but also looking terrible.
I also burn sage on the doorstep to cleans the evil air from my neighbour - total bollocks but looks weird.

I’m pretty sure that the data protection only applies to other people’s houses and gardens, not public roads. When a neighbour was burgled, the police asked everyone on our street for any footage of the road from ring doorbells or security cameras. They used the footage to identify and prosecute the burglars.

You can't be serious?

This. Make sure you mention that it happens most days, so that the council don’t think that it’s just once in a while.

Or just get a little old mini and park it there.

This.

The OP rules out anything meaningful to settle for jokes. A wind-up.