Help me deter neighbours

[Claytonclogs]

I have miserable neighbours. One woman coordinates with another neighbour to make sure that I can’t get my car in the drive most days of the week. My house is at the end of a very narrow dead end track and one of them parks their car opposite my drive each day after I’ve left for work preventing me turning in. Every day, the same charade - I go and ask them to move and maybe they do or maybe they don’t do it for a few hours. They both have drives and garages. They’ve had it in for me since I put in planning application for loft conversion. It was approved easily, it’s legal and was built considerately. I don’t overlook their properties or gardens from the loft.

Confronting doesn’t work, trying to diffuse doesn’t work, and I’m not interested in stuff like blocking their cars in retaliation. I don’t want to go down legal routes because don’t want formal disputes with the neighbours.

So … my goal is to appear so bizarre and wildly unhinged that they will think twice about blocking my drive or taking any action that might lead to an interaction with me. Creative and (legal) suggestions welcome!

Biodegradable glitter goes far.

Get a cheap ass second car and block them in with it.

Use chalk to draw the fake occult symbols outside of their homes. Make sure they have arrows pointing to each of the troublesome properties.

Get a pointy witches hat and stand in the middle of the road, loud mumbling encantations and waving some nice smoky incense. Draw complicated looking symbols in the air whilst staring and mumbling in their general direction.

When you see them to speak to look confused, ask "Are you feeling quite well?" and immediately stare at them with a furrowed brow whilst drawing occult nonsense in the air and mumbling religiously.

Tell them you'll do another extension to spite them if they don't stop. The council anti-social behaviour team may well act, even more so if you follow up with a councillor.

I would get a good book and a drink and then lie on the offending car like you’re sun bathing.

There's nothing I love more than being OUTRAGEOUSLY cheery to miserable twats. Really truly as over the top as you can possibly be. Lay it on thick with being obviously not sincere and with a mildly crazy look in your eye.

Put bird seed on their car - they'll soon get tired of cleaning the poo off. Dance naked in your garden.

Here you go. Cut and paste below:

🧭 Ground Floor

• Two 2.5m x 5.0m parking bays
• 6.0m internal depth allows:
• 5.0m car length
• 1.0m manoeuvre clearance
• Ramp begins immediately at front corner
• 2.7m clear ramp width

🧭 Roof Deck

• Two identical 2.5m x 5.0m bays
• 1.1m steel parapet guard
• Wheel stops at front of bays

📏 Vertical Dimensions ElementMeasurement Ground clear height 2.4m First floor clear height 2.4m Structural slab 250mm Parapet 1.1m Total height ≈ 5.4m 📐 Ramp Geometry To reach 2.7m floor height:

• Using 1:6.5 gradient (private use acceptable)
• Ramp length ≈ 17.5m
• Achieved by running ramp diagonally along right side (as in your image)

This keeps the footprint tight while preserving the exact visual character you want. 🧱 Structural Concept

• 4 steel columns (corner supported)
• Steel beams + composite concrete deck
• Open mesh balustrade
• No enclosed walls (retail aesthetic)

Print and then print two attached images. Add a jolly note letting them know that due to ongoing issues with parking, you've put in an application for a miniature two storey car park. Initial response from council seems favourable and you'd be happy to discuss an annual permit fee with them.

Print weird but harmless leaflets and leave them under their windscreen wipers, but only when they are parked in your way. Why not start with the rapture? RaptureandRevelation - Rapture Handout

Personally I would just sit in my car outside their house playing Jungle on maximum volume for ten minutes every time they blocked the path into my driveway, before knocking the door to ask them to move their car…. I would also leave my windows open while doing it, to attract as much attention as possible from their neighbours!

As long as it’s before 10.00pm… all is legal!!

If that doesn’t work I would get an air horn / Clayton to announce my presence too!

Yes something like this in white

Get yourself 2 road cones, in the dead of night go out to the space they usually park and stick them to the floor with some type of super strong adhesive. Smuggly watch on as they try to move said cones.

Sit on their car bonnet and phone a friend on speakerphone. Cackle loudly. Drink lemonade out of an empty wine bottle whilst doing so.

Borrow a caravan and park it..that'll cheer them up no end

I was thinking get a clip of STAND WELL CLEAR VEHICLE REVERSING and play it for at least 20 minutes at top volume.

Truck Reversing Sound Effect For Video Editing #soundeffects #videoediting

You have to block them in on a weekend where you have no plans and refuse to open the door…. Surely they will want to go out at some point!! Have you got a ring doorbell?

Spray snow (the type that you wash off with plain water) decorate the offending car for Christmas. Obviously don't wait for Christmas.

In all seriousness now - you're at the very end of the dead end track. It's a private road. Can you not just dump your car as close to your property as you can reasonably get, blocking theirs in? If they don't need theirs until after you've left for work then nobody's actually inconvenienced, and if they do, you take just as long to get around to moving your car as they do.

I don't get why you wouldn't just do this.

Any chance you know one or both of them will be looking to move in the not too distant future? If so, I'd be blunt and tell them you will complain to the council/police/something! about their bullying behaviour which means they'll have to disclose the dispute on any sale documents.

They sound petty and ridiculous ... how sad their lives must be.

Bird seed around their cars so pigeons fly/ land and poop all over? Put seed around before leaving even if cars aren't there so it becomes a bird feeding hot spot. Even hang up some feeders. Your claim...I watched a news story about encouraging birds into local area.

Don't retaliate or you could end up dealing with consequences.

I suggest you contact your local council ( Local Authority) and explain in detail on their website exactly how obstructive and uncooperative your nieghbours have been regrading the parking issue and the council is likely to contact them in writing, they may even get a warning with threats of fines etc.

You have already been more than reasonable with them. You communicated with them and now its their turn to face consequences.

It will back fire on them.

Get a large sign, Amazon do them …saying DO NOT OBSTRUCT DRIVE

I would just dump my car in the middle of the lane blocking everyone in

start collecting dog shit (a LOT) and place it strategically in their space opposite your drive so that they can’t get out of their car without standing in it and can’t avoid standing in pile after pile trying to tip toe around it

Are they blocking access potentially for emergency vehicles - ambulance, fire service?
(Do you know any volunteer firefighters who might do a domestic visit for you with a vehicle?)
A visit from a local PCSO?
Know anyone with a tractor or slurry waggon - who might swing by - on a particularly muddy wet day (when their nice cars are out?)
Does the refuse lorry get in ok?

Vacuum the lawn while talking to the trees. Then mow the front room. Job done.

Next time you knock let them know, out of courtesy, that you’ll soon be putting planning permission in for [insert massive building project]. You had initially decided not to go ahead for the sake of neighbourly relations but since that’s no longer a consideration…
it’s expected to only take a few years and you might be knocking on a lot more frequently to gain access for all the heavy machinery and plant; it might be all day every day.
of course if they became a bit more neighbourly you may reconsider.
maybe even submit planning permission for some huge bizarre project just to give them something to worry about! (Disclaimer - don’t know if that’s actually possible!)

Yep get a cheap scooter/old motorbike and ‘park’ it where they park their cars. It will look road worthy so at first they won’t know it’s you, so you’ve taken the space but it’s narrow enough it doesn’t get in your way when pulling into your drive. Paying the road tax on it would be worth just to get one up on them.