Help me deter neighbours

[Claytonclogs]

I have miserable neighbours. One woman coordinates with another neighbour to make sure that I can’t get my car in the drive most days of the week. My house is at the end of a very narrow dead end track and one of them parks their car opposite my drive each day after I’ve left for work preventing me turning in. Every day, the same charade - I go and ask them to move and maybe they do or maybe they don’t do it for a few hours. They both have drives and garages. They’ve had it in for me since I put in planning application for loft conversion. It was approved easily, it’s legal and was built considerately. I don’t overlook their properties or gardens from the loft.

Confronting doesn’t work, trying to diffuse doesn’t work, and I’m not interested in stuff like blocking their cars in retaliation. I don’t want to go down legal routes because don’t want formal disputes with the neighbours.

So … my goal is to appear so bizarre and wildly unhinged that they will think twice about blocking my drive or taking any action that might lead to an interaction with me. Creative and (legal) suggestions welcome!

I would be outside with a clipboard and a tape measure. Make some random measurements, write them down, take some photos and then talk into your phone but held in front of your face but quiet enough so they cannot hear or make noises that are not in English. They will wonder who you are making these notes for.

Stand completely still and just stare off at something on their car like their tyre so they think something in wrong with their tyre or you are contemplating doing something to their tyre.

The alternative is to actually do something proactive that sees them not park there. You could buy the cheapest scrap car you can and park it so they cannot park behind it and it allows you access to your drive.

Get a doorbell camera, they can record all the time not just when they detect movement.

Can you not just sit there and honk... a long, loud continuous honk until they move? Every single time? Or honk out well known rhythms, but leave them unfinished? Daa da da daa da, _.

Are they living alone? Or with more reasonable people you could corner?

Find the same make of their car, but with a dent in it. Post a pic of the car on a local fb group obviously without the reg plate or other identifying features showing. Post saying you've seen this car parked badly - does anyone know whose it is? This will wind them up.

> scattering their car with leaves or petals

Or birdseed?

No way! This is absolutely brilliant!

Go around with religious/ cult leaflets. You are starting a local branch and looking for funding / recruit new members.

Cheery woohoo & a wave when you see them then pop over with more leaflets when they park - you could see the car parked so you knew they were in 🤣🤣

Go next level with it being a therapy recommendation

Not sure if neighbour is genuine or tactical but works for her !

To answer a few questions, I can’t reverse in. The neighbour’s car blocks nearly the width of the road. When it’s there I park in a wider bit of the further up or I park in front of neighbour’s car which does block them and the road, but I always need to leave first as I work and they are both retired. I think they coordinate to make sure the one who blocks my drive doesn’t need to use their car the next day just in case I don’t leave home. It’s a private road owned by all the neighbours so I don’t think the council would care much about parking drama. Looking for humorous responses and deterrents because life is way too short to engage with parking wars and I’ve tried to resolve the animosity is various ways and they’re just not reasonable people .

love the lion idea. Might start channelling my inner Leo today and make it rain glitter on the road this eve 😅

I think you just need to make it as unpleasant a task as possible for them to go out and make the effort to park there. So stickiness would be the way I would go. If it wasn't raining, syrup on the ground next to the drivers door. Maybe some on the handle. Or butter. Maybe some chewed chewing gum would be irritating. Or engine oil. Just stuff that its annoying to have to clean off your hands and shoes every day.

I suppose as retirees they need a hobby and blocking your drive has become theirs so it will be a battle of wills.

This - park your own car there, v clever! Just smile if they complain. After a few days, move it to test if they've learned their lesson.

I think we need a diagram

Pose in front of the car and take ridiculous selfies. Dress up, hold cuddly toys, be as daft as possible, but don’t touch the actual car. Delete the photos or save them up and make up a little online story about the car’s daily adventures. Either way it will drive them slightly crackers because they won’t know what you’re doing and because you’re not touching the car, they can’t stop you. 😈

If you're not prepared to play them at their own game, nothing is going to change.

the film with Maggie Smith is brilliant.

The quickest way to stop someone parking in a particular spot is to position a dog shit where they get in/out. Once they’ve walked shit into their house or car a few times they will move.

I would just park in the front of your drive as you seem to be the last house so no one needs to get past?

Really need a diagram.

Parking across your drive as pp person says will also fix it.

https://youtube.com/shorts/EWBGN55YbfQ?si=vdq_jdqGNU43AaR-

this response would be perfect. There is a rainy day version somewhere but couldn’t find it.

Park across your drive.

my wonder uncle when he was alive had parking wars. He would have tons of tips for you. But the easiest one is to buy an old banger, one that looks bad too, and just park it there indefinitely for 6 months. Make sure they have a view of tatty old car.

If you move it and it starts again put it back. The good things about old bangers is they don’t always start so can just say won’t work can’t move it.

I have a tad annoying neighbour opposite, also very rude as he’s refused to talk to me since I moved in. Repairing never ending cars on his drive which is all I see from my house. Plus putting the non legal cars in the road and so on.

I’ve ignored for seven years but last autumn he took the p* as I had parked in the road to get something out of our garage on to the drive. he came over to tell me he’s my neighbour and he needs me to move my car as in the morning he has to get a trailer and car off of the drive.

So after that my plan, partner says I can’t as we have a nice neighbour and it’s not fair on her, is to park a road worthy tatty car there for a year. I will then look at said car instead of him.

Get a massive planter or better yet, a boulder/ton bag of gravel/something equally heavy enough that they can’t easily move it but you can still get past 👌🏻

Preach the gospel to them every time

Draw a pentagram with lipstick on her windscreen. Make a birds nest with an egg shell filled with hair and blood. Leave it outside her door.

Buy a cheap banger of a car, park it so it blocks them in then go on a two week holiday!

You say you knock on their door to ask them each time to move - why not be a bit unhinged when you do that? Act like one of those oblivious people who has no self-awareness / thinks everyone likes them and keep jabbering away at them about nonsensical or annoying topics without letting them really get in a word edgewise. Spice it up further with having slightly wide eyes so you look a little nutty / crazy, but be friendly. Start waving to them emphatically when you see them unrelated to the parking situation like you are BFF

Maybe they'll stop parking there to avoid having you knock at their door every time.

But they may escalate