In-laws talking to 6 year old about inheritance

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Last summer my FiL’s very elderly uncle died; I had met him a handful of times. My husband and his brothers and cousins would often drive down to see him in his house where he lived independently. Husband’s aunt got a call from a neighbour to say he had died.

So yesterday my nearly 7 year old comes home babbling about saving plans etc. It turns out she is a beneficiary of his will and my husband knew this but didn’t tell me as I
have a ten year old from a previous marriage. She has no relationship whatsoever with her father’s family.

My husband who supports my eldest without question says I am always weird about stuff like this. He says his parents and one of his siblings have got every right to talk openly about money and this openness is what helps educate children about money.

There is no way I would have spoken to my youngest about this especially as my eldest won’t have such a good start.

I am so angry that my in-laws have done this. My husband says my daughter would have found out anyway through cousins etc.

6, even 10 is too young to talk to about inheritances simply because they don’t realise the value of money beyond pocket money. It’s also a bit silly to mention inheritances because again they don’t understand how this works and may think if they’re nice to x relative they’ll leave them some money, whereas that shouldn’t be the case at all.

Hard to give a meaningful answer when you wort say the amount. Big difference between 5k and 50k

I think it's totally out of order for your in-laws to decide when and how your child should be told about this. Knowing you're coming into money one day can impact your approach to money, your work ethic and learning. I'm not saying she shouldn't be told but it's a parent's job to manage this, not a grandparents. Huge overstep.

A close friend of DB’s sadly lost both parents before or when he was about 10 and he and his elder brother were brought up by their grandparents. Both children inherited money from their parents house and whatever else there was. He went a bit mad spending money but kept enough to buy a house for himself. No idea if he was told about money or inheritance as a child. Probably not.

Agreed with you until the last sentence.

naah, they are ensuring 6yo is NOT stolen by the mother who, given the chance, will use it for both kids. It’s their right to ensure thus guest happen.

6yo when say 21 and gets their money, it’s perfectly fine to gift/ treat sis out of own free will to a holiday, nice birthday present etc etc. it’s not up to mum to divide the money into half or 2/3!

i am NOT a horrible person. However, if we’re in laws, I would object to money being shared by the mother. Let owner of money decide what to do with it, when of age. They are just letting child know it exists.

Sorry, op, I think you're wrong. Hiding the truth from your dc is probably the worst thing you can do. Open conversation is what will stop the inevitable inequities of a blended family build into something toxic.

Why shouldn't dc understand what savings and investments they have? My own young teens understand enough of our finances to know what help they will get for things like uni and what they will have to expect to fund for themself. How would it be better to keep it a secret and spring it on them at the last moment?

Your in laws were telling the truth about a matter that directly affected your dc. They weren't breaching anyone's privacy.

When you hide information from dc, they will generally imagine something worse than reality.

Gives you time to save up for the oldest university now

That’s a stretch. This child does have a father in the household who would prevent that happening even if the OP was so inclined which she hasn’t said at all has she. The grandparents aren’t right in this and if they were meddling in my children’s lives to this degree they would be seeing them a lot less.

The child’s father is fine with it, why does OP not wanting her youngest to know take precedence over her father wanting the opposite?

He doesn’t have the issues that OP does, and never has. OP knew full well they weren’t on the same page when she married and had another child with him.

I honestly dont know what the problem is. They're 6 theyll hardly remember or understand. Your husband is right that you are being weird about things but hes an equal parent so do3snt need to run something so minor by you

A 6 year old won't understand what an amount of money could mean to them later in life. I can see why the conversation wasn't necessary at this point in time, however I think your anger is misplaced. As a child (decades ago) I knew my mother saved for us. As soon as I was old enough to go to the post office myself (around 10/ 11 in those days) she'd get me to go in and say whatever I had to say to reinvest whatever it was. I never once in my whole life till now considered whether my siblings had the same amount saved for them as I did. And as a child I never thought about what the money might be used for (it was eventually all paid into an account I could access as a young teen and became mine to do with as I pleased).

Children do need to learn about money and savings. If you want to give them a more equal advantage, you should look at how you can invest for your older child - or will they maybe inherit from their father's family?

You areon to something. OP seems to be complaining about how these in-laws treat her 10
year old every so often. maybe that’s what op should focus on and maybe even leave this marriage? If it is causing her so much upset, why stay.

given all that- the in-laws will have their reasons.
until we hear them, I will stick with this.

by the way, Daddy being present does not seem to stop OP finding fault with in-laws and making unilateral decisions about the 6yo which she later admits was wrong? As said, maybe pay more attention to op.

It’s something that’s supported by the OPs husband, it’s not just the grandparents going off on their own. Their son is happy for the conversations to happen

It's like grandparents deciding to tell your kid about sex, or Santa claus. It's not whether they should be told the truth, it's that it's not the grandparents place to tell it. Regardless of what DH thinks. If DH himself had told her, having tried and failed to reach agreement with OP on how to approach it, that would be different as he is a parent.

This, would you be saying the same
if both were given money?

I think this is great. My grandmother left me out of her inheritance because I have a different dad to my other sisters. I also have nowhere near as much money as my sisters. It stung finding that out at 40, and I’d honestly have rather known at 7.

It is a bit much of an explanation for a 6 year old, telling them they’ve been left a gift of money is okay.
Unfortunately your eldest child will have a different start to adulthood, don’t let that cloud your relationship with your second child by overcompensating with the eldest.

It is not hard to figure how why it is unequal. Your children have different fathers. Will your eldest not inherit from elsewhere?

You say that like it's a dirty word.

I understand it is a touchy subject given different expectations of you children but your in laws have not done something wrong.

They probably should have mentioned in advance so that you were prepared but it sounds like that is on your DH.

I agree @deadpantrashcan . Better to know at a young age than finding out in teenage years - which are traumatic enough as it is, without throwing any spanners in the works.

I agree with you. And if your parents had known this at time Will was made, they would have made provision for you. Even putting 50 a month away for you.

workwise, do you not have a career? If you knew you would be left nothing, would you have planned your life differently? Just intrigued!

And are you open about this? That’s actually terrible!

Inequalities between them are a fat though. One may be better at maths, one sportier, one funnier. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. "Jenny got some money from a great uncle, it'll go away for when she's older" conversation finished. It's only a drama if you make it one.

Op airways knows in-laws treat her children fit and only the 6yo is regarded as family. Not sure how much more warning op expected to be honest.

Depends. £500 is very different to £50k, will this inheritance mean a different set of life chances for them and their half sibling?
I think you sound a bit weird about money, and/or possibly your inlaws, and slightly controlling.