In-laws talking to 6 year old about inheritance

[SpanishFork]

Last summer my FiL’s very elderly uncle died; I had met him a handful of times. My husband and his brothers and cousins would often drive down to see him in his house where he lived independently. Husband’s aunt got a call from a neighbour to say he had died.

So yesterday my nearly 7 year old comes home babbling about saving plans etc. It turns out she is a beneficiary of his will and my husband knew this but didn’t tell me as I
have a ten year old from a previous marriage. She has no relationship whatsoever with her father’s family.

My husband who supports my eldest without question says I am always weird about stuff like this. He says his parents and one of his siblings have got every right to talk openly about money and this openness is what helps educate children about money.

There is no way I would have spoken to my youngest about this especially as my eldest won’t have such a good start.

I am so angry that my in-laws have done this. My husband says my daughter would have found out anyway through cousins etc.

I agree with this.

Also if I'm honest, I think it's quite controlling to expect extended family to change their way id doing things and edit their conversations to fit your preferences. Particularly as this post points out, it would essentially involve them changing how they speak to their other grandchildren as well if it was to be kept secret from your DD.

I probably am biased as I am more like your in laws - my parents and PIL talk quite openly to my kids about money and savings that they have made for them. I find it helpful actually that my kids have had drilled into them from a young age that the money from their grandparents is for education or housing.

Am trying to work out how to put it but it might just be that you have very different experiences with money. Wealthy people do have a different attitude about it and it sounds like your husband and daughter are part of very wealthy family with the amount of money that just came to your daughter as one of my beneficiaries. They need to learn how to take care of it and protect it and it’s probably something they’re all used to talking about quite openly as you need to do quite a lot to protect generational wealth. So perhaps it’s just what sounds like over sharing to you is quite different for their shared situation.

Still think there’s a fundamental issue with you and your husband as he didn’t talk to you first, but if he knew you’d be trying to convince the entire family to lie to their own children to protect your daughter that makes more sense. Why would they do that?

I disagree! While the grandparents have no obligation to consider the eldest daughter financially they could perhaps consider her feelings and keep quiet about the inheritance. They sound rather vulgar to be honest.

Also, please note it’s your responsibility to parent your 10 yo. That is the only thing you have control over- as you now know. You cannot control what the in laws do or say to their grandchildren.

It is op’s duty to parent her 10 yo and help her deal with this.

or op and 10 yo can also move out. For as long as op stays in this marriage, she will have to parent and support her 10 yo.

This is also what I have observed. DH is from a wealthy family. They manage and discuss money openly and from a young age. That’s also how generational worth is managed and kept.

I don’t think being angry is helping you,I think you need to find some way of accepting this so you can let go of the anger.
I have a complicated situation which resulted in my elder child having a harder upbringing than my younger one, she turned out better for it. I was always honest with her about the circumstances that led us to this situation. Good luck OP it isn’t easy.

You knew you were marrying into a wealthy family that were not going to treat your eldest daughter as theirs. You may not have foreseen the great uncle leaving money to your youngest, but you knew your children would not be treated the same, and that financial disparity would exist between them.

They know you have issues regarding your eldest daughter,and by the sounds of it your youngest is quite aware that you do too. I don’t see anything wrong with your MIL’s explanation to your youngest, either. Did you want her to lie? Or did
you expect your youngest to parrot your opinions?

While you may consider discussing money with children inappropriate, openness is an entirely normal, and beneficial, part of childhood for many of us (as was knowing not to yell about it in the playground). Your husband included, by the sounds of it. How they’re managing their money is also very normal, standard even, for wealthy families.

You really need fo come to terms with, and accept, the decisions you made. You cannot change the disparity that exists, no matter how angry and upset you get. What’s done is done. Projecting your anger about this onto your in laws is only hurting you and your own family unit.

No, they don’t. They sounds very normal
for a wealthy family.

Like you OP i would be fuming..at 6 years of age they should bd thinking of playdates and where they're going in half term and similar things not inheritance money or such like..this is typical mumsnet mums shit though..all making out they are rich hoity toity mums..they're not..most haven't a pot to piss in and would love what your child got..your child should have been told at 18/21 when theyre old enough to know what to do with that amount of money..your husband is also an atsehole for allowing this to happen xx

On the contrary, most families of class and money find discusses their finances to be tasteless, crass and vulgar.

And you know this how?

I haven't RTFT but is it not normal to adjust their inheritance so that they get the same? My girls have different grandparents via their respective fathers and if one inherits a lot more than the other, I will top them up so that they get the same inheritance over their lives.

No.

No good going over and over it - you can't change it no matter how angry it makes you. You've said your piece to your husband. Draw a line under it. The more you keep the spotlight on this, the more likely that your elder daughter will pick up on your resentment about this.

I actually agree with OP. Mainly because my brother can't stop talking about money and inheritance in front of his daughter (she's only 19mnths) and my children to the point my children have little respect for him. Even my mum has pulled him up on it multiple times as it feels so crass.
I don't think OP should of found out about this money through her 6yr old , especially not if it in the 70k plus range and its not she should decide how the money is spent but it would be nice to have an idea so she can help her child.

But ops seemingly not interested in helping out younger dd, the rage is all because elder dd isn’t getting money

My mums family are all really wealthy from old money and they absolutely do not talk about money and are really quite frugal. We also had money left to us by grandparents which was invested for us and I still have clue at nearly 50 what the original sum was or how well the investments performed because is just wasn't discussed with us.

Where has OP said that?

We were taught that it was vulgar to discuss money.

It is yes. Unless it's structured conversations about mortgages, pensions, earnings etc....What someone might potentially leave in a will or what you have been left 😳

There is no way I would have spoken to my youngest about this especially as my eldest won’t have such a good start.
I am so angry that my in-laws have done this.

Not usually within their own families.

You’ll be shot at Dawn for that

That you have no clue about your own investments is quite strange. That may be the way your family chose to operate, but in my experience financial ignorance is not considered desirable or something to be encouraged.

Ime the ‘frugal’ old money families are usually that way because they’re asset rich but cash poor, hence frugality being necessary. Beyond that the idea that ‘really wealthy people are classy and present themselves as if they just rolled out of a hovel is the most tired of tropes. Those with old money that are also cash rich are just as inclined to spend in the same way as those newly wealthy. What is utterly normal is the instilling of a financial education from childhood, by parent and/or financial advisor.