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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite says “your presence is present enough” but also “we will have a wishing well”

424 replies

Sweetunicorn1 · 15/02/2026 03:25

What do you think, my sisters wedding invite says your presence is present enough to us but also if you want to make a contribution there will be a wishing well. Personally, I hate the wishing well thing and don’t think you should put you hand out for people to ‘contribute’ to your wedding. People who want to give you a cash gift (like grandparents and parents) will do so without a wishing well. Also, I just think it seems disingenuous to say “your presence is present enough” but then in the next breath that there’s a wishing well. Pick a lane.

OP posts:
Mindyourfunkybusiness · 15/02/2026 05:08

Basically means they don't want a bunch of crap, they also don't want money, they literally want to celebrate their love with everyone but if someone really wants to bring some sort of gift there will be ... a hole in the ground to throw money into or something.

So you as her sister can go to the wedding and not get a gift at all and she won't mind (allegedly) but if from the kindness of your heart you really want to give something, you put money into an envelope and put it in a well, I'm assuming they will provide said well.

But they basically don't want stuff, don't want money, but if you really want to give something best be cold hard cash because they don't want no junk.

latetothefisting · 15/02/2026 05:09

I dont understand what you don't get.
It makes perfect sense.
They're saying you don't have to get us anything, but if you do want to (which the vast amount of people will) we would prefer money to spend on something we actually want rather than a load of crap that will go straight to the charity shop or 25 bottles of prosecco that will end up being regifted.

Why would you want to waste your money getting them something they don't want? It seems pointless and wasteful for all concerned.

Literally every wedding I've been to in the last two decades has had something similar.

As a guest, I like it, because I actually like the people whose happy event I'm celebrating I want to give them something they'll actually enjoy rather than whatever I think they "should" receive, and it saves me from the faff of shopping for something, wrapping it and carrying it around on the day, but if I was on the bones of my arse and couldn't afford anything/much I'd appreciate that they've confirmed they'd be happy with me just attending.

Clonakilla · 15/02/2026 05:13

They’re not having it both ways. They don’t expect a gift, but understand that some people don’t like to give no gift. If that describes you, then they’d prefer cash. Your options are the same as at any other wedding: give nothing, give cash, give a gift.

Have you always disliked your sister? Your post drips with contempt for what’s a fairly normal set up.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 15/02/2026 05:13

It's because the couple knows people might still want to give something.

JustMyView13 · 15/02/2026 05:23

I think you’re overthinking your sisters wedding invite. There will be many aspects of her day that you don’t agree with or feel are odd. But it’s not your day.

Picpac876 · 15/02/2026 05:45

Hmmm, I doubt it would go down well, but you could always ask which charity the wishing well is for. I guess I just don't appreciate that wording.

Original poster
Sweetunicorn1 · 15/02/2026 05:59

ArtificialInaccuracy · 15/02/2026 04:31

People can’t win, can they?

This is your hangup, probably a weird cultural bias. British people are SO weird about money in general.

As a PP said most people don’t want or need more stuff and clutter these days by the time they get married. Your taste may also not be theirs. Pointless spending money on what you think they would like when they may not need or want it.

I bet you’d also find a way to be offended if they’d sent a gift list of things at different costs that would actually be useful and wanted to choose from. Yet you somehow also find it offensive them having stated that IF anybody wants to bring a gift that money would be best. Cash gifts are totally normal and expected practice in the vast majority of cultures. Giving cash isn’t “contributing to someone’s wedding”: they’ve already paid for that. It is a present for their future (as an aside I also find it shocking how stingy about wedding gifts British people tend to be, which again would be considered embarrassing in most cultures!).

Presumably you accept that turning up to a wedding without a gift would be exceptionally rude, yet they’ve even indicated they would be ok with such awful behaviour and you’re still not happy, so what do you suggest? Should people just waste money buying unwanted things that may not need or even like and the bride and groom should pretend to be grateful, all so that people like you don’t get in a flap about people being open about things? How pointless for everyone involved and a silly fuss about nothing.

Also how unpleasant to write a post like this about people who clearly thought you were close enough to them that you were worth including in their wedding. Do them a favour and just decline the invitation.

Edited

I’m not British and neither is my family.

I would not be offended with a registry actually. I personally wouldn’t have a wishing well at my own wedding but understand other people think it’s great, and that’s fine. I think it would be more genuine to say either “your presence is present enough” OR have a wishing well. I think it’s weird to say both. I’ve been to weddings where they have had a wishing well and while it’s not my own choice, I wasn’t offended by it.

the invitation literally says if you would like to “make a contribution” that’s why I wrote that.

It is my sister so obviously I’m not going to not go to her wedding. We are travelling overseas a long way with a small baby and toddler to make it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetunicorn1 · 15/02/2026 05:59

ArtificialInaccuracy · 15/02/2026 04:31

People can’t win, can they?

This is your hangup, probably a weird cultural bias. British people are SO weird about money in general.

As a PP said most people don’t want or need more stuff and clutter these days by the time they get married. Your taste may also not be theirs. Pointless spending money on what you think they would like when they may not need or want it.

I bet you’d also find a way to be offended if they’d sent a gift list of things at different costs that would actually be useful and wanted to choose from. Yet you somehow also find it offensive them having stated that IF anybody wants to bring a gift that money would be best. Cash gifts are totally normal and expected practice in the vast majority of cultures. Giving cash isn’t “contributing to someone’s wedding”: they’ve already paid for that. It is a present for their future (as an aside I also find it shocking how stingy about wedding gifts British people tend to be, which again would be considered embarrassing in most cultures!).

Presumably you accept that turning up to a wedding without a gift would be exceptionally rude, yet they’ve even indicated they would be ok with such awful behaviour and you’re still not happy, so what do you suggest? Should people just waste money buying unwanted things that may not need or even like and the bride and groom should pretend to be grateful, all so that people like you don’t get in a flap about people being open about things? How pointless for everyone involved and a silly fuss about nothing.

Also how unpleasant to write a post like this about people who clearly thought you were close enough to them that you were worth including in their wedding. Do them a favour and just decline the invitation.

Edited

I’m not British and neither is my family.

I would not be offended with a registry actually. I personally wouldn’t have a wishing well at my own wedding but understand other people think it’s great, and that’s fine. I think it would be more genuine to say either “your presence is present enough” OR have a wishing well. I think it’s weird to say both. I’ve been to weddings where they have had a wishing well and while it’s not my own choice, I wasn’t offended by it.

the invitation literally says if you would like to “make a contribution” that’s why I wrote that.

It is my sister so obviously I’m not going to not go to her wedding. We are travelling overseas a long way with a small baby and toddler to make it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetunicorn1 · 15/02/2026 06:01

Clonakilla · 15/02/2026 05:13

They’re not having it both ways. They don’t expect a gift, but understand that some people don’t like to give no gift. If that describes you, then they’d prefer cash. Your options are the same as at any other wedding: give nothing, give cash, give a gift.

Have you always disliked your sister? Your post drips with contempt for what’s a fairly normal set up.

I don’t dislike her, no. We aren’t close either.

OP posts:
BeanQuisine · 15/02/2026 06:07

Your sister knows what you're like and won't be expecting you to contribute anything, and is relaxed about that. The wishing well suggestion is for the more generous guests.

It's not quantum mechanics.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 15/02/2026 06:10

I’ve never seen this wishing well thing by if I were travelling abroad for a wedding I wouldn’t want to lug a gift with me anyway so I’d simply give them nowt.

SoSadSoSadSoSad · 15/02/2026 06:13

Sweetunicorn1 · 15/02/2026 05:59

I’m not British and neither is my family.

I would not be offended with a registry actually. I personally wouldn’t have a wishing well at my own wedding but understand other people think it’s great, and that’s fine. I think it would be more genuine to say either “your presence is present enough” OR have a wishing well. I think it’s weird to say both. I’ve been to weddings where they have had a wishing well and while it’s not my own choice, I wasn’t offended by it.

the invitation literally says if you would like to “make a contribution” that’s why I wrote that.

It is my sister so obviously I’m not going to not go to her wedding. We are travelling overseas a long way with a small baby and toddler to make it.

Show quote history

Why do you really give a shit though? You sound irritated over not much.

What did you do for your wedding?

DigbyandFizz · 15/02/2026 06:14

Seems absolutely fine to me. As PP have said, the invite says you don't need to get a gift and the couple still want you to come. (Based on what you have said presence at the wedding could be expensive enough.) However, nearly everyone wants to give a wedding present so if you're one of those people they would like cash.

TheAquaCritic · 15/02/2026 06:20

This is pretty much par for the course in Australia. It's been the case with every wedding I've been to. Saying there's a wishing well stops people buying you a present even though you said not to, because there's another way for them to contribute.

I personally would find a gift registry weird and tacky, but it's popular in other countries.

Original poster
Sweetunicorn1 · 15/02/2026 06:20

SoSadSoSadSoSad · 15/02/2026 06:13

Why do you really give a shit though? You sound irritated over not much.

What did you do for your wedding?

Show quote history

We eloped 🤣

OP posts:
PickledElectricity · 15/02/2026 06:31

Have you always hated your sister? Good grief.

Catza · 15/02/2026 06:31

Sweetunicorn1 · 15/02/2026 03:39

But in that case don’t put “your presence is present enough”. Just say there will be a wishing well. I feel like you can’t have it both ways.

Of course you can. It is simply saying "contribute if you wish but don't worry if you can't/don't want to - we are happy to see you either way". There is absolutely nothing to get offended by in this unless you really want to find something to be offended by.

deeahgwitch · 15/02/2026 06:33

Sweetunicorn1 · 15/02/2026 03:39

But in that case don’t put “your presence is present enough”. Just say there will be a wishing well. I feel like you can’t have it both ways.

I agree.

NeedSleepNowww · 15/02/2026 06:34

Really? You can’t see why someone would write “your presence is a present but if you’re going to gift something, gift cash”?

You really can’t see it’s a polite way of saying they prefer cash?

Or perhaps you do but pretending otherwise because you don’t want to give cash, or just wanted to mock your sister’s invitation.

Peonies12 · 15/02/2026 06:37

naff Phrasing but cash gifts are completely normal nowadays. Much better than unwanted physical gifts. YABU.

CloakedInGucci · 15/02/2026 06:39

I find it an annoying thing to write because I don’t believe they mean it. I think that if they got to the end of the wedding and the gift box was empty, or just contains congratulations cards with no money, they wouldn’t think “great, we don’t mind, we’re just happy people blessed us with their presence”.

Mymanyellow · 15/02/2026 06:41

I’m guessing there’s a lot of background with you and your sister.

Original poster
Sweetunicorn1 · 15/02/2026 06:42

CloakedInGucci · 15/02/2026 06:39

I find it an annoying thing to write because I don’t believe they mean it. I think that if they got to the end of the wedding and the gift box was empty, or just contains congratulations cards with no money, they wouldn’t think “great, we don’t mind, we’re just happy people blessed us with their presence”.

Same

OP posts:
ArtificialInaccuracy · 15/02/2026 06:45

LucyLoo1972 · 15/02/2026 04:48

I think its her sister if I understand correctly!

Show quote history

Wow! I’d missed that. What a horrible thing to do to write a post like this about your own sister’s wedding.

Bjorkdidit · 15/02/2026 06:47

So what would you do if the wishing well hadn't been mentioned?

Would you take your DSis at her word and not give her a gift? Unlikely.

If not, would you give money or a gift? If you're giving her money, then what's the issue? You now know what to do with the money you're giving, put it in the wishing well, which obviously you've now learned that's how things are done where she is.

If you want to give a gift, which I don't know why you would given you then have to choose something and cart it across the world, or have it delivered there, as well as she saying she doesn't want gifts, so you're deliberately ignoring her wishes, which is rude and you're also giving her hassle to deal with, either by having to choose something, or express gratitude for you giving her something she say she doesn't want, again rude.

@CloakedInGucci many people genuinely don't want money or gifts. If they're financially comfortable and know people are already facing the cost of attending the wedding, then it stands to reason that they'd not want to further add to their loved ones financial burden and not want/need money to be given to them.