Wedding invite says “your presence is present enough” but also “we will have a wishing well”

[Sweetunicorn1]

What do you think, my sisters wedding invite says your presence is present enough to us but also if you want to make a contribution there will be a wishing well. Personally, I hate the wishing well thing and don’t think you should put you hand out for people to ‘contribute’ to your wedding. People who want to give you a cash gift (like grandparents and parents) will do so without a wishing well. Also, I just think it seems disingenuous to say “your presence is present enough” but then in the next breath that there’s a wishing well. Pick a lane.

Because in too many cases guests know perfectly well they don't mean it, and the twee little poems and silly comments about your "presence/presents" is a way to sugarcoat something they know in their heart of hearts to be crass

As said it's not even necessary when tthe huge majority of guests almost automatically give cash these days, but some B&Gs seem to feel they've got to direct that too

Because in too many cases guests know perfectly well they don't mean it
Or in too many cases overly cynical guests assume the worst of their friends and family by refusing to believe their actual words.

Yes I agree that can happen too, DappledThings, so I guess it's a case of "know your couple"

Personally I don't know very many people who go in for asking for cash and most regard it as downright vulgar, but maybe I've been lucky

I've been to plenty that have included a suggestion that if you want to get them something then cash or a particular type of voucher etc are going to be particularly appreciated. Never once has it come across as vulgar or in fact anything other than useful information that exists purely to make my life easier.

Including no mention of anything about gifts at all is tedious and leaves me guessing what they might want, if anything, and how the best way to give them a gift might be and if I'm meant to ask. All completely pointless faux coyness that serves only to make being a guest more complicated.

Why are useful gifts considered to be vulgar, and why are people required to like and be thankful for random crap someone else likes?
A gift is meant to be for the recipient, not the giver!

And you're entitled to feel like that.
Personally I think it's up to the b&g to have whatever they like on their wedding day, the day is for them and what they want. Not what you like and what you want.
They probably do feel presence over presents but people are going to want to gift them something because....
IT'S THEIR WEDDING DAY!!!!

It doesn’t seem like it based on these responses where some posters have stated they’d turn up to a wedding empty handed! I wouldn’t do that even of going to someone’s house for a meal one evening. Personally, for acquaintances at a wedding I’d put £100 in a card, £300 for a close friend and quite a lot more for a sibling.

At my own wedding we paid for the hotel overnight for all guests and had a free bar. I paid some of my friend’s travel expenses also as I just wanted them to be able to be there. We did not want random stuff as I really hate clutter and we had what we needed already. However, most people would feel terrible attending a wedding and giving no gift at all, it’s just rude. It’s perfectly normal for a couple to want to make clear that people don’t feel they have to give a present if they are struggling with money. We did similar. The wording is being described as “twee” (presence not presents) but I’m yet to see anybody suggest a wording they’d find acceptable instead if they object to this?

As I noted earlier in the thread, perhaps the sister has some friends that she knows are struggling financially and wants them to be able to come without feeling awkward about being unable to observe the usual etiquette to give a wedding gift. It seems clear that the wording on the invitation is designed to remove any awkwardness in such situations. How would you prefer it to be phrased? Nobody has answered this.

I doubt this comment on the invitation was aimed at her own sibling because surely noone would go to a sibling’s wedding and not give even a small gift?! Unless they were totally destitute, in which case the sibling would already know this and it wouldn’t even need to be discussed and certainly wouldn’t be communicated about via a general invitation sent to all guests.

People’s means are different and most people do want to observe the social etiquette that exists across almost the entire globe that wedding guests give the couple a gift so despite the OP’s sister wanting to make it clear it isn’t necessary in order to come (kind of her if she perhaps has friends struggling with money) she also seems to want to ensure that those who would never dream of turning up empty-handed don’t waste their money on “thoughtful” gifts that are not wanted or needed. The message is, therefore, perfectly sensible and reasonable and not remotely unusual based on weddings I’ve attended over the last 20 years: no need for a present but if (like most people) you want to give something, money is best as it will actually go on something nice/ useful.

Multiple posts have stated that if you write nothing on the invitation about gifts you are bombarded with enquiries about what to give because people generally want to do so. Most people prefer clear information as they want to give something that couple would like, that’s kind of the whole point of it.

The people objecting to this seem to be either people who have weird issues about giving money as a present - which is a very British cultural hangup as it’s very normal in most countries and is something that most young British people have also now left behind - or people who are in a strop because they feel going to a wedding is an imposition because they have to wear appropriate clothes, perhaps get babysitters, pay travel expenses etc, like for any other event one attends. The latter group seem to be people who are the perpetual moaner type and would find something to complain about in just about any situation or actually dislike their own family/ friends so resent being invited to a celebration, so don’t appear to like their family and friends much to start with. For someone to be moaning about this when the bride is their own sister is totally weird. Who would even contemplate not giving their own sister a wedding gift, even if it was only a tenner in a card?

As many posters have noted, to start such a thread or even bat an eyelid at this comment on a wedding invitation from a sibling, rather than talking to them about it if there is any “confusion”, seems to indicate that the OP dislikes/ resents her sister, rather than this genuinely being an issue about wedding presents, which really aren’t that complicated.

Omg you have way too much time on your hands that you post such a long response purely to brag how rich you are, I barely got thru the first few lines before I fell 💤💤💤💤💤💤 😴😴😴😴😴😴😴

Personally, for acquaintances at a wedding I’d put £100 in a card, £300 for a close friend and quite a lot more for a sibling.

Bully for you. Not everyone has endless money to chuck around.

Agree with this all - yes it’s long winded but all very good points!

Why would you want to be such an annoying dick to your sister who is probably quite stressed preparing for her wedding?! Get a life!

What? I’m not rich. I’m a lone parent. What a ridiculous comment. I’m sorry that reading a few paragraphs is so difficult for you however, nobody forced you to do so.

You must be fairly well off to be able to afford £300 for a wedding gift, on top of travel/accommodation etc. Surely you can understand that that’s out of reach for many people?

Perhaps you missed this part of the same post:

”People’s means are different and most people do want to observe the social etiquette that exists across almost the entire globe that wedding guests give the couple a gift so despite the OP’s sister wanting to make it clear it isn’t necessary in order to come (kind of her if she perhaps has friends struggling with money)”

Or this one:

”Who would even contemplate not giving their own sister a wedding gift, even if it was only a tenner in a card?”

Trying to take one part of what someone has said out of context to attack them is very poor form. The comment you pulled out of context was a response to a previous poster who said that I must “move in poor circles”, hence me responding to say that is not the case and with figures of general wedding gifts provided in my social circles including by me. I didn’t say that everyone should do that, I was refuting her false assumption about me.

My comment that you have responded to and my previous ones on the thread have stated repeatedly that the OP’s sister probably put this on the invitation because she has friends who might be concerned about feeling rude to attend if they cannot afford a gift and wants to ensure they feel they can come anyway even if they are in difficult financial circumstances. Clearly general comments like this about wedding gifts included on wedding invitations sent to all guests aren’t aimed at immediate family members (!) but designed to ensure there is no awkwardness with close friends who the couple really want to feel able to attend regardless of their financial circumstances so they know they’ll be welcome even if they had to turn up empty handed (which many would be ashamed to do unless specifically told it’s ok). I’ve stated this numerous times on the thread.

You could not really have found a way to try to misrepresent my comments more, which it appears that you did try incredibly hard to do but unfortunately for you anybody who can read will be able to see that your comment is nonsense.

Again, did you actually bother to read the comment?

No problem if you can’t be bothered to read comments more than a couple of sentences long but if that’s the case then I’d suggest not responding to them directly otherwise you make yourself look rather foolish.

I read your whole post, in all its glory. I was just responding to the part where you said you’re not well off. I said you must be fairly well off to be able to afford that. I’m not sure how that indicates that I didn’t read your post?

Trying to take one part of what someone has said out of context to attack them is very poor form.

It’s bizarre that you would suggest my comment that not everyone has money to throw around is an attempt to “attack” you. Maybe you’re just going on the defensive because you know how badly your boastful posts are landing. You’ve made unpleasant little digs at several people, me included, and I’m far from the only one who can see it.

Rubbish. Over the course of a lifetime some people will only go to a few weddings of close family members and - depending on how selective they are about friends - maybe only a relatively small number of weddings where they feel a larger gift is justified by the close relationship. Lots of people budget their money and save and the cost of things like this is spread over decades so even if one goes to 20 or 30 such weddings in that time it is a tiny proportion of most people’s budget each month or year.

Regardless, as I said, responding selectively to one part of someone’s post out of context and ignoring the rest of it makes your comment irrelevant and disingenuous, at best.

I’ve had one poster accusing me of being poor, and another one accusing me of being rich, neither of which has anything to do with the OP’s situation and how she’s talking about her sister, does it?

Perhaps you should read the Talk Guidelines. Making personal attacks on posters with whose opinions you don’t agree is prohibited.

Perhaps you should read the Talk Guidelines. Making personal attacks on posters with whose opinions you don’t agree is prohibited.

Perhaps YOU should read the bloody room.

If you see a personal attack, report it. I think you’re inventing them.

I am comfortable with my comment. No personal attack was made. ‘You must be fairly well off’ is not an attack, by anyone’s standard, and claiming it is so is embarrassing to only one of us, and it’s not me.

You have made several unpleasant personal comments on this thread that breach the Talk Guidelines, often involving personal comments directed at posters who hadn’t even responded to you directly and inventing things about their personal circumstances of which you know nothing and would be irrelevant anyway.

I think it’s all rather cringeworthy, but that’s an occupational hazard with most weddings these days. The intention is clearly fairly benign; there will be a mechanism for people to give something the couple actually needs, if they want to, but nobody should feel obliged to give anything. It wouldn’t offend me. I find your slightly savage attitude to your sister’s wedding a bit disconcerting though, is there a backstory?

Why are you making comments about other posters’ financial circumstances? People who you know nothing about. One crazy said I “must move in poor circles”, you seem convinced I’m “well off”, so clearly there are some rather odd people here determined to make presumptions about other posters that directly contradict each other, so can’t all be right can they? And in any case, are completely irrelevant to the thread which is about the OP and how she is reacting to her sister’s wedding invitation.

Why do you want to make conjectures about the financial situation or other posters on the thread? It’s weird behaviour and is derailing the thread and it is not in compliance with the Talk Guidelines to be making personal comments inventing things about other posters’ lives rather than responding about the topic under discussion which is wedding invitations and gifting conventions.

There is nothing in the Talk Guidelines to prevent anyone making benign comments on a poster’s financial situation. As I said, I am comfortable with my comment but if you feel it was an attack then go ahead and report it as such.

Ugh, I hadn’t realised the thread had devolved into ‘andbags when I posted…as you were 😂