Wedding invite says “your presence is present enough” but also “we will have a wishing well”

[Sweetunicorn1]

What do you think, my sisters wedding invite says your presence is present enough to us but also if you want to make a contribution there will be a wishing well. Personally, I hate the wishing well thing and don’t think you should put you hand out for people to ‘contribute’ to your wedding. People who want to give you a cash gift (like grandparents and parents) will do so without a wishing well. Also, I just think it seems disingenuous to say “your presence is present enough” but then in the next breath that there’s a wishing well. Pick a lane.

There are very few things that are more annoying than “thoughtful gifts “. I appreciate the thought, but it would be so much nicer if the thought would actually relate to what i want, not what the giver wants. Experience vouchers (all ended up in the bin expired and unused - they are never convenient), “beautiful “ ornaments (bin after they haven’t left their box 2 moves later). Wine glasses (15 years later freecycled, still in box), champagne flutes (broke during the last move, never been out of the box). What a waste of money and ressources.
We asked for no gifts or charity donations …. wish we had asked for money.

I hate this, just say you would like cash for the honeymoon or something but it's so annoying when people say your presence is enough but actually they do want presents/cash.

We did this. Got married abroad with a small group then big catered party (with free bar!) in a garden after. Totally understood those who felt they weren't invited to a "proper" wedding.

So we went with a "your presence is enough" type thing, but also had a honeymoon website for those who really wanted to. We absolutely wouldn't have cared if people didn't give us anything. We still ended up with a couple of forks that say "I do" and "me too" which we've obviously never used 🤷‍♀️

If a couple don’t want ‘physical gifts’ I’d prefer if they had a link to donate to a charity….and I don’t mean their own personal honeymoon charity!

Well you don’t need a link to donate to a charity… if they say ‘no gifts’ can’t you just choose a charity to donate to instead?

In our culture - everyone who comes, gives cash.

This is what we're doing. We've put QR codes around for anyone who wants to send a donation to some charities we care about

I would take that literally.

What do I think? I think you’re just looking for something to complain about. What a spiteful post about your own sister. What do you care? Buy a gift or don’t. Give cash or don’t. People have different tastes, different opinions. Maybe she didn’t think your wish to elope was great. Hopefully she didn’t start a post on mumsnet to shame you about it though. Urgh. This has left a nasty taste in my mouth. She’s your sister!

@Sweetunicorn1 haha!

We had an identical situation some years ago.
The ‘We’ in this retelling are my siblings + spouses, my parents, my husband and I.
Please note that we found it funny at the time and we are still laughing about it.

It was my cousin’s wedding, we were not close, hadn’t seen him for a decade or so.
We didn’t even know he was in a serious relationship, let alone met his bride to be!

We were only invited to the evening do! - Fair, given that we weren’t in touch with them.

It was no kids, which was a ballache for my siblings and I. - One expensive babysitter per family. My siblings all had under 2s so their DCs couldn’t be left with one person alone.

The wedding was in the middle of really nowhere, making it expensive to get to and there was “no parking for evening guests at the venue.” - Also expensive as we all needed taxis there and back, 20 years ago this cost around £250 per couple.

Our invitation was exactly like yours. With one exception:
”Your presence is present enough. However we have a wishing well for contributions towards our honeymoon.”

This cousin’s family are wealthy - and good for them. I am happy for them.

Also…
Their honeymoon was going to be a month island hopping in the Caribbean!
As the bride held an excellent role within the holiday company, she was getting a huge discount off anyway (we know this because she told our parents and this was some years ago when the perks were often greater than they are now).

When we got there, there was no room for the evening people in the building. We all had to be outside. 😂

It was proper sitcom stuff.

OP you have my absolute sympathy.
I can’t be doing with your presence is present enough but…

Why aren't you contributing to your sister's wedding ? I paid for my sister's evening catering and still gave her a gift.

That was kind of you. However, I find it very odd that you’re surprised the OP isn’t doing this. I’ve never known anyone help pay for a sibling’s wedding.

I think organising a wedding is stressful enough without family trying to find things to be offended about. It's very clear they mean "we've already got enough crap in our house so we don't need presents but if you want to help us start off our marriage you can give us some cash (but don't feel obliged)". Most of the weddings I've been to over the last 10 years have had a variation on this (sometimes it's gift vouchers, but really people just want cash and I want to give cash as it's so much simpler and actually wanted. If I was skint I just wouldn't give anything except a card).

Most people live together and don’t need anything or want your “thoughtful” gifts. It’s just stuff people don’t need.

Give a card but some people they want to give a gift and it’s letting them know it’s ok to give money. As people feel funny about it.

"We don't need anything, but if you want to give something please make a small donation to X charity which is important to us."

My mother (in the 60s) had a "show of presents" hosted by her parents. Apparently everyone did. Can't imagine that now...

As an aside, if you don't see someone all the time it's really hard to buy gifts they actually want. I love my family very much but they don't live near me and tend to get it wrong when buying me thoughtful gifts. Same is true of some of my oldest dearest friends. The only people who successfully buy me thoughtful gifts are my colleagues (who i see every day) and the local friends who I see at least twice a week (including at least once for coffee) - basically they know the minutiae of my life ao can accurately work out what I'd actually like.

Just seems like with funeral notices, when people have charity collections "in lieu of flowers". I think you might be overthinking it.

Anyway, if it still bothers you at the time, simply wish to be richer. Could be that - "Please don't feel obliged to bring a gift. Instead, allow us to present you with one."

Yeah, I put on my wedding invitation that as we were combining two homes we had everything we needed and if they really wanted to give us something, then please let us have a copy of your favourite family photo, as we would like to create a montage of our wider family for our home together.

We still got lots of presents and a lot of money...but I am not complaining.

It just means you don’t have to give them a gift but it would be nice if you did. Weddings are really expensive it doesn’t kill people to give a gift. Nobody wants photos frames or a kettle from a distant uncle…

I've never heard of a wishing well in this context, is it basically a box you put card and cash in?

It's disingenuous and cringe. If they really didn't want anything they'd ask for charity donations. It's a false way of pretending your presence is enough but basically asking for money.

I can't see the problem. It's normal to want to give a gift to the couple embarking on their future together, and the well is as good a way as any to do so. Equally they are saying don't feel obliged.

You'd think as a sister you'd be a bit kinder and more supportive, not critiquing amd judging. But hey, sibling rivalry.

I don’t think you understand what a contradiction is. The invitation is saying the couple will not be upset if guests don’t bring gifts, but acknowledging that some people will still want to do so. I think it’s also a way of acknowledging that people have different circumstances - for example, people who are very young and still establishing themselves, or people who have had to travel overseas for the wedding may find it harder to follow the usual social convention of gifting at a wedding.

Nah, you are choosing to be offended by this.

I interpret it as: you attending is more important to us than a gift. If you do want to get a gift, this is what we would like.

I did something similar, though a registry (wtf is a wishing well?) for my wedding as a lot of our friends were having to travel and pay accommodation costs. It was family and local family friends that bought from the registry, friends just turned up and gave cards etc. That was exactly what we wanted.

I have also done similar. We went to a wedding that the flights alone cost £1000. We just gave a card.

I agree - have one thing or the other. Personally I don’t like being asked for cash to contribute to things like this - the happy couple should cut their cloth accordingly and put on a wedding they can afford to; not expect others to do it for them

Edited to add: we had no registry / no ask for gifts at ours. Some people - as you say - wanted to give a gift so added vouchers into a card for example; others did not which was absolutely perfect as no expectation for anything!!

It couldn’t be clearer. It’s very straightforward.