My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

[Whataa]

If I say to DP anything with the word ‘if’ in it, he says im threatening him.

Examples are, i’ll say ‘if we can’t organise the holiday asap then i will need to move the dates for work and we’ll have to cancel these suggested dates.’

the context is always dp dragging his feet with something and causing a knock on effect of stress in my life and for DS as nothing is organised. Is it threatening for me to say this in response?

It’s not threatening at all. He’s just trying to shut you down.

Love it!

Exactly.
I think his objective is, he doesn’t actually want to go on holiday!
So shuts you down.
Go without him….

Tell him to grow the fuck up.

Im booking x holiday for these dates seeings you keep dragging your heels. No issues going without you.

The problem is he's found a phrase that shuts you up. You fold if he says you're threatening him. Tell him it's not a threat, it's an explanation of consequences, and that perhaps he needs to seek therapy to understand why he finds everything so threatening. Also, boundaries don't control other people's behaviour, only yours. If he continues to try to silence you, you don't have to comply.

What about a situation that was time crucial and you have had weeks to deal with it but failed to do so?

Tell him if he wants to call it a threat, that’s fine by you but you still need him to make a decision. You would rather call it a consequence of him repeatedly ignoring what you are asking him to do. I’d also tell him to grow the fuck up.

Ok, well, I couldn't live like that with someone who is supposed to be my partner. He's creating fear in you to get away with doing whatever the hell he wants and continuing to live his life on his terms, never taking responsibilty or meeting you in the middle. To be honest, I'd stop letting my life revolve around him - I'd try to engage him in conversation about thoughts on holiday destinations and dates and, if he doesn't commit, I'd book a trip for myself. This is likely to be the slow death of the relationship though, as the approach (of living separate lives) will seep into other aspects of life.

FWIW, I don't find the way you phrase things threatening or presenting him with an aggressive or confrontational ultimatum (the frequent words used to threaten women into staying in the tiny box others have made for them). Actions have consequences. If this happens, then this will follow. It's common sense. If you don't confirm dates by a certain deadline, the plane/boat/accommodation will be booked up. If you have to give a certain notice period for holidays at work, then if you miss that deadline, you'll have to push the holiday back. I don't know how else one could phrase consequences. Nor do I see why so many women bend over backwards to pander to child like men.

To the women posters who are bending over backwards to make this ok, do you equally parent your child, attend events and go on family holidays? Or rather do you have to be begged to? Especially @Hiptothisjive does your DP have to beg you to take over one child's clubs, or do you make sure that you are available and it's in your calendar?
These men want to be in total control, many don't want to be a part of family life. They can't even be arsed to turn up, when the rest is done for them. They want you to live a solo life, with the kids, they like the housekeeping, sharing bills and regular sex. If you split, suddenly these men will be arranging dates, meet ups and holidays for their new shags. Just leave them to it and live a stress free life without them. Just make sure you do threaten them first with the ultimate, ultimatum, shape up or ship out.

Jeez, I hate this word, but it seems to me that he's 'controlling' you and your relationship

It’s easy, when you originally book something make sure it’s something you’d happily do alone and agree together on dates etc.. then proceed. No reminders for him, no “nagging” just do the thing and if he hasn’t booked leave then he’ll miss out. Either he will be miraculously fixed the first time he FA and FO or you’re relationship will eventually end as you realise it’s far more fun doing your own thing without having to drag this sea anchor along with you!
This is similar to “if you don’t behave we will go home”. Only needed to take the kid home once for her to learn not to be a shit.

Not threatening at all. And don’t let him gas light you into thinking it is. The more you second guess yourself wondering if it is threatening, the more he’ll continue to pull you up on it. Tell him to stop being silly policing your language to this point.

Do you have kids? Why are you living like this?

I get the feeling you say this sort of thing to him a lot. A one off wouldn't elicit that kind of response ftom him.

Not read full thread, but what happens if you give him either/or choices to decide on eg:

I'm booking holiday. Would the week starting 24th July suit you or would you prefer the week beginning 15th August?

OP are you really going to live the rest of your life like this? Seriously?!!

He's just using the same language used against him.

I get the feeling that he disorganised to the point of being dysfunctional.

Oh Christ get rid, he sounds like an immature wanker.

I get the feeling your standards are very low.

Can we please stop medicalising everything to justify terrible behaviour? OP’s husband is a nasty control freak with a very brittle ego. Why should we have to tip toe around these giant babies?

He sounds like a whiney arse.
Assuming you wish to remain with him (which I wonder), just book the holiday and go. If he’s there, fine, if not, also fine (probably better!)

You do sound too direct, you're probably not compatible. Have you thought about a trial separation?

I like this. Add to it ‘Yes I am threatening you, what’s your point?’

Good for you. This reminds me of a very manipulative family member of mine who likes to exert control by making people wait for her (among other things). I finally got sick of this and once said to her: ‘I am leaving at 10.00 to go to x. If you want a lift, make sure you’re in my car then.’ She didn’t believe me so I left bang on time without her. She didn’t keep me waiting again.