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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

259 replies

Whataa · 14/02/2026 22:14

If I say to DP anything with the word ‘if’ in it, he says im threatening him.

Examples are, i’ll say ‘if we can’t organise the holiday asap then i will need to move the dates for work and we’ll have to cancel these suggested dates.’

the context is always dp dragging his feet with something and causing a knock on effect of stress in my life and for DS as nothing is organised. Is it threatening for me to say this in response?

OP posts:
ThiagoJones · 15/02/2026 09:23

Happyjoe · 15/02/2026 09:13

Funny, if someone is controlling by the way OP's partner is then I wouldn't tolerate it either. Being precious when called up on own constant really bad behaviour is disgusting. 'IF' is not exactly nasty or rude and to be frank is the least of their problems. The OP's husband is being pathetic and he really is giving her no regard or working as a team.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, that’s exactly what I was saying. The PP was saying she wouldn’t accept being spoken to like that and I was saying that I wouldn’t accept the controlling behaviour.

ScribblingPixie · 15/02/2026 09:25

Sounds manipulative. He won't carry out complete reasonable requests because you're 'asking him wrong'.

WelcometomyUnderworld · 15/02/2026 09:26

Lean into it. It is a threat, a threat of a natural consequence that you’re pointing out to him. You’re not threatening him, you are pointing out the natural threat that exists as he seems to be ignoring it.

(Assuming that’s true as I’m not entirely sure why you need to cancel your time off with work if your plans aren’t finalised by a certain date).

everypageisempty · 15/02/2026 09:34

Whataa · 14/02/2026 22:26

@Isittimeformynapyet he says that’s a threat too. Anything where I’m ‘cancelling’ anything

Show quote history

He's just looking to blame you for everything. Literally. I bet nothing is ever his fault in his mind.

Sounds exhausting. Go on holiday without him if he won't commit to dates.

RaisedBar · 15/02/2026 09:44

My work says that if we don’t submit our expenses forms by the 5th of the month, we won’t get reimbursed that month. Maybe I need to raise a grievance about their threatening behaviour….

Bonden · 15/02/2026 10:06

When you … the result is …
When x… the consequence is …
to make x happen, y has to happen first
now that x … what do you think is the result?
what do you think I should do now that y has happened?

femfemlicious · 15/02/2026 10:11

Harrietsaunt · 15/02/2026 08:20

Christ I couldn’t live like this. 💐

My teenage daughter is like this and it's extremely hard to cope with . I'm praying she changes as she grows up🙏🏿

femfemlicious · 15/02/2026 10:13

SunnyRedSnail · 15/02/2026 08:22

This whole thing is just weird!

It's a very unattractive trait and not sometimes I'd put up with, especially someone accusing you of being abusive when you're actually trying to be decisive.

My DH puts things off. I have said "I'm taking the kids on holiday X week to this place. Let me know by X date if you want to come as I need to book it". I then give him the info and he decides. He is not keen on travel so I tend to go with me and the kids.

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I think either @Whataa does this or just ends things. For her mental health.

femfemlicious · 15/02/2026 10:16

EdithBond · 15/02/2026 08:43

I agree it appears pass agg. And disrespectful. Enough to drive anyone insane.

What does he do at work when dates have to be agreed, e.g. for deadlines or project plans? Surely, people at work would say something similar: ‘If you can’t confirm the dates, I’ll have to cancel’. Or if his friends are organising something: ‘Let me know by Friday if you can make it. If not, I’ll ask John instead’. Sometimes, men are perfectly capable of organising things in a work setting but then claim it’s too difficult in their personal life.

It’s definitely not threatening to use ‘if’. It’s openly communicating the way forward you plan to take “if” someone doesn’t confirm by a certain date.

I’d be booking a holiday with a friend instead. If he wants to go on holiday with you, he can organise it. And no doubt you’ll be quicker to respond.

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Maybe they use all their mental energy to do it at work so can't at home. In that situation they should not be belligerent about it and realise where they are going wrong.

olderbutwiser · 15/02/2026 10:17

XDH used to delay crucial decisions like this - it was another form of control he could exert. Cost us about £20k in one house renovation project. Classic DARVO too.

He still tries it on with the (now adult) kids.

femfemlicious · 15/02/2026 10:18

usedtobeaylis · 15/02/2026 09:07

So basically it's the age-old issue of a man needing to be told what to do but objecting to being told what to do because it's 'nagging'. YANBU.

I'm living this with my 14 year old daughter. Lord help me 🙏🏿

usedtobeaylis · 15/02/2026 10:23

Hiptothisjive · 14/02/2026 22:26

It isn’t threatening but it is an ultimatum and confrontational approach. He isn’t helping at all and I get you are frustrated but I certainly wouldn’t be responding well if I was spoken to that way.

You forgot to talk about his behaviour here. 'He isn't helping' isn't quite the reality is it?

xOlive · 15/02/2026 10:24

Ah fuck this crybaby of a man, women are now having to gentle parent their own husbands? Fuck off!
If he doesn’t like “if”, try:
I’ve let you know what dates, I’m booking the holiday/day out/meal on Monday.
When Monday comes, ask H “did you book those dates off?”
If he is still stalling I’d just say okay, hopefully you can make it to the next one 😊 me and DS will go by ourselves.

Problem solved. No “threats”.
You’re not his Mum, or his PA, he can be accountable or he can be at home on his own.

YourWinter · 15/02/2026 10:27

Life is too short to waste being messed around by idiots. Maybe he doesn’t want to go on this (or any) holiday, for any reason? You do, so book it and go without him. Seriously, he needs time alone, and you need to stop tolerating his pathetic, petty whining.

blackpooolrock · 15/02/2026 10:29

he's controlling. you aren't allowed boundaries so he gets what he wants.

leave the fucker

Lurker85 · 15/02/2026 10:29

It’s not threats it’s having to explain to him the consequences/results of his (lack of) actions. He’s behaving like an irresponsible child so you are having to explain it to him like one. It’s no different than saying “IF you add 2 and 2 together, you get 4”. Would he feel threatened by that statement? No - because that statement isnt pointing out something HE is doing wrong which is what he really doesn’t like.

justasking111 · 15/02/2026 10:35

My DH is like that these days. Gets genuinely stressed out by planning things. Turns it on me I'm gaslighting him wtf!!!

I think it is ageing with ADHD to be honest with him.

xOlive · 15/02/2026 10:35

Lurker85 · 15/02/2026 10:29

It’s not threats it’s having to explain to him the consequences/results of his (lack of) actions. He’s behaving like an irresponsible child so you are having to explain it to him like one. It’s no different than saying “IF you add 2 and 2 together, you get 4”. Would he feel threatened by that statement? No - because that statement isnt pointing out something HE is doing wrong which is what he really doesn’t like.

So true, explaining consequences to a child is taxing enough. IF you smack your sister, THIS will happen.
IF you keep delaying booking the dates off work, we’ll have to CANCEL those dates for the holiday as we’ll miss the cut-off.
Pathetic man-baby not liking the word “if”, grow up.

firstofallimadelight · 15/02/2026 10:40

IF you stay with him he’s always going to control everything by shutting down your opinions/needs. Only you can decide IF you want to put up with this.

Hiptothisjive · 15/02/2026 10:46

ThiagoJones · 15/02/2026 08:58

Well I’d find your behaviour unacceptable and wouldn’t tolerate it, so I guess we’d be even.

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Yes it is all about keeping score that builds positive communication and relationships. 😂

Hiptothisjive · 15/02/2026 10:47

usedtobeaylis · 15/02/2026 10:23

You forgot to talk about his behaviour here. 'He isn't helping' isn't quite the reality is it?

Edited
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I’m confused you said I didn’t talk about his behaviour and then directly quoted me doing so 😂.

localnotail · 15/02/2026 10:57

Why not say "yes, I'm threatening you, pull your fucking finger out"?

holdtheline11 · 15/02/2026 10:58

My DH is like this it is extremely frustrating. I don't know how to make him commit but I think I'm eventually going to just book stuff or go on holiday by myself or with friends. The way you are wording it is not threatening. YANBU

User2025meow · 15/02/2026 11:11

I’d look at the relationship more closely if I were you- is the power shared equally generally ? He seems to be objecting to you being in control on this (booking holidays), but why is that so hard for him? Does he feel like he always needs to be in control? I think yes ADHD etc might make these things worse but I think it could be the culture and gender stereotypes where men are struggling with these power issues. But I think that’s their problem to evolve - not for us to tiptoe around more quietly, more softly just because we were born female.

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/02/2026 11:12

He sounds a nightmare. Is the relationship really worth it?