To end my two friendships over this? (Pregnancy)

[Fluffymop]

I recently found out I was pregnant, and although I’m only 7 weeks I’m excited. No cramping and no blood or anything. So far so good.

i have two best friends. (They don’t know each other)- but both have reacted terribly.

My first friend has reacted the strangest. I told her because we talk every single day, do things together often and my partner works away and family are quite far, so thought it would be good for someone to know. I’ve been there for her through everything, break ups, her dad’s illness, driving to hospitals at 4am, lent her money when she’s been short. Helped her move house.

So when I told her her first comment was “well don’t get attached as there’s a 50% likelihood you’ll miscarry” so I agreed, though don’t believe it’s that high, but said that of course I’ll be cautious until 12 weeks. She then proceeded to ignore me for 9 days. We usually speak daily on WhatsApp. I didn’t actually mind the peace but then she sent me a long message saying that I had basically ruined her life. She wants children (she’s in a brand new relationship). She can’t control her emotions or anger towards my situation and will be fine as long as baby is never mentioned. That she can’t put into words how she feels but she isn’t pleased at all. She just kept saying repeatedly she’s struggling with her emotions.

She has never struggled with infertility or anything and has been on birth control for the last fifteen years. Of course, if this was the case then I’d have been more sensitive. There’s no reason to suggest she couldn’t fall next month. I now feel just bitter and upset towards her. And made to feel guilty for being pregnant even though I’m a woman in her mid thirties and own my own home etc.

Next friend, bit more understandable. She had an ectopic 17 years ago. I had to tell her as we had a holiday to the US booked two weeks after my expected due date. She was fine but said that she wouldn’t be able to speak to me until baby is here. I sadly said that’s fine and have given her space.

but I just feel upset. I’m not expecting anyone to jump for joy. End of the day nobody is really excited for a baby other than family, but I’ve stuck by these two people through thick and thin. I’ve been there at 4am through breakups, driven hours to pick them up places, just always been a loyal and good friend and both have cut me out because I’m pregnant. We are mid 30’s by the way.

It’s making me feel like even if I go to my 12 week scan and my pregnancy isn’t successful. I dont want to be their friends anymore? AIBU?

Wow, I can't believe your friends would be so insensitive. Regardless of their own experiences they should be happy for you. I can't have children and sometimes pregnancy announcements are hard for me (we had two over Christmas) but I always try to be happy for the parents and deal with my own shit when I'm at home. Be happy, this is big news or you and share it with someone who will be aa happy as you are.

With friends like these who needs enemies. I would bin them both. Congratulations and hope it all goes well for you

Bad behaviour from both of them but maybe once it’s had time to sink in they’ll both be supportive and maybe remorseful about the way they’ve treated you.

Both sound pathetic and I’d ditch them both. Their behaviour is unacceptable. Find friends that match your energy, and congratulations!

Congratulations, OP!

Dreadful behaviour from them both.

IF you wanted to give them chance to think on and behave I would send Friend 1 a message saying " Your response to something I feel joyful about has been hurtful. Sorry to hear you are struggling with your emotions. We have always been friends so if you want to talk to me about how you are feeling that's fine - but not if you continue to be angry at me, and blame me. Of course I have not ruined your life. Have a think, and let me know - but I will , of course, continue to be happy that I am pregnant"

And similar to 2 - saying you understand that you will now be living different experiences and would be happy to continue as friends but you are not prepared to live your life denying your pregnancy is not happening.

OR just ignore them both and see if they come to their senses and apologise.

Dreadful. You will never see them in the same light again anyway.

I’ve been through ivf and a horrible traumatic miscarriage and my friend was pregnant when I had the miscarriage and I still sucked it up , congratulated her whole heartedly and talked to her throughout though didn’t meet her much in person I admit throughout that time. They sound really selfish and self centred .

Thanks for sharing this. I have no tolerance for people who make their losses everyone else's problem, all the time. Good for you for being evolved enough to be able to hold grief for yourself and joy for someone you love at the same time x

Yeah, it's all about them, isn't it? But sadly I do know how they're feeling , to some extent. I was in the very early days of pregnancy myself (about five weeks) when my very close friend announced she was pregnant, at about eight weeks.
I didn't feel I could say anything but I was quite miffed/upset.

Yeah they aren't your friends.

I'd be sacking them both off. What happens when your baby is here? Ask you not to talk about the baby as they find it too difficult??

but I’ve stuck by these two people through thick and thin. I’ve been there at 4am through breakups, driven hours to pick them up places, just always been a loyal and good friend and both have cut me out because I’m pregnant.
They're drains and you're a radiator.

Cancel the holiday. Don't give her the deposit. Don't contact either of them.
Good luck with the pregnancy.

But why?

Honestly I wouldn't speak to either if them ever again. The first one, especially. The absolute effrontery of her!! You ruined her life??? Did you know she was this self absorbed and selfish??

If they're like this now when it costs nothing to paint on a smile and say congratulations god only knows what they'll be like when your heavily pregnant or your baby is here. You're not allowed to talk about it??? The biggest event in anyone's life and a time of joy and you're not allowed to talk about it!?!

Cut them both loose if you know what's good for you. Find new friends!

Wow. I can't imagine any of my friends behaving as badly as yours OP. Ditch them and make new friends. And cancel the holiday asap and don't offer to pay so someone else can go.

Yes it is sad to lose friendships but you deserve better friends than these and you will definitely make friends in the future.

Gently op, I think you might be a bit of a doormat for your “frirnds” and in hindsight you will probably realise this isn’t their first selfish /rude behaviour.
My alarm bells went off with friend 1 when you wrote you’ve always been there for her, including lending her money. It sounds like she’s a user. Be honest, how often has she driven you to a hospital at 4am, helped you out financially or supported you emotionally? I’m going to guess never.
”Friend” 2 is totally batshit weird. She is gaslighting you. She is manipulating you into thinking this is your fault, but it’s her narcissistic behaviour. Please Google gaslighting and narcisism. And then send her a curt reply that her behaviour is out of line and then block her. Get her out of your life asap. You need to do the same with “friend” 1. Join some mum to be groups and focus on making new friends who actually care about you.

Congratulations OP!

These aren't friends. Friends support you. You were a friend to them but they aren't one to you.

sorry, this is weird. Why can you not be happy for a friend to also be pregnant? Surely having a shared experience is nice? Are you also upset if someone else buys a house, goes on holiday to a similar location, goes out for a meal to a restaurant you’ve previously been etc? I really don’t get your reaction.

First post nails it.

These are not friends. They don’t even sound like grown ups.

Their ridiculous and hurtful behaviour is not worth your energy. Focus on enjoying and celebrating your pregnancy with those who really care about you. Let these two fade into the past.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. The only way I would EVER speak to either of these so called 'friends' again, is if they approached you with an honest and heartfelt explanation, which shows that they have taken a long, good look at their reaction and worked with counselling or therapy to try and get some insight into their behaviour and acknowledge that they are treating you appallingly. I suspect the first 'friend' is jealous and resentful that your priorities will be with your baby in the future and not her! Please try not to be downhearted, your pregnancy and child does not have to be validated in any way by this pair!

This.

Congratulations OP.

They've shown you who they are, you don't need friends like this. Enjoy your pregnancy and concentrate on the 'radiator' friends that you have.

You don't sound as if you like them very much, so perhaps not much of a friendship in either case, and not much of a loss?

I certainly had some strong reactions from three friends in particular when I got pregnant before turning 40, having planned for most of my life not to have children. One friend disappeared from my life for the best part of a decade, and two others, a couple, also withdrew for a long time. All three were fifteen plus years older than me, and I had not known (because I had not known them at the time) that they weren't the contentedly childfree people I'd believed them to be, but had had their own struggles with infertility in the past, and that the couple had almost divorced because one wanted to adopt and the other didn't.

I think they struggled with me going, at 40, from the 'childfree' category to the 'parent' category.

I was taken aback and sad, but I didn't resent them for it. I wouldn't say either friendship has entirely recovered, but that's as much due to geography as a breach. I certainly didn't cut them off, though.

Nasty pair. Particularly the first one - ruined her life WTF? What, because you'll no longer be at her beck and call?

Second one i sort of get that he she would be a bit annoyed and disappointed that a holiday she was looking forward to now won't be happening. But most people would bite their tongue, congratulate you and get the hell over it.

One of the additional benefits of having a baby is the opportunity to make new friends. Sounds like you should be seizing those opportunities!

Nasty fuckers, I’d block them both.

So what happened next? Did you grow tf up or what?

I wouldn't want to be either of their friends regardless of what happens with your pregnancy (which I wish you the very best with). These are no friends of yours. You will find other friends who are better.