To end my two friendships over this? (Pregnancy)

[Fluffymop]

I recently found out I was pregnant, and although I’m only 7 weeks I’m excited. No cramping and no blood or anything. So far so good.

i have two best friends. (They don’t know each other)- but both have reacted terribly.

My first friend has reacted the strangest. I told her because we talk every single day, do things together often and my partner works away and family are quite far, so thought it would be good for someone to know. I’ve been there for her through everything, break ups, her dad’s illness, driving to hospitals at 4am, lent her money when she’s been short. Helped her move house.

So when I told her her first comment was “well don’t get attached as there’s a 50% likelihood you’ll miscarry” so I agreed, though don’t believe it’s that high, but said that of course I’ll be cautious until 12 weeks. She then proceeded to ignore me for 9 days. We usually speak daily on WhatsApp. I didn’t actually mind the peace but then she sent me a long message saying that I had basically ruined her life. She wants children (she’s in a brand new relationship). She can’t control her emotions or anger towards my situation and will be fine as long as baby is never mentioned. That she can’t put into words how she feels but she isn’t pleased at all. She just kept saying repeatedly she’s struggling with her emotions.

She has never struggled with infertility or anything and has been on birth control for the last fifteen years. Of course, if this was the case then I’d have been more sensitive. There’s no reason to suggest she couldn’t fall next month. I now feel just bitter and upset towards her. And made to feel guilty for being pregnant even though I’m a woman in her mid thirties and own my own home etc.

Next friend, bit more understandable. She had an ectopic 17 years ago. I had to tell her as we had a holiday to the US booked two weeks after my expected due date. She was fine but said that she wouldn’t be able to speak to me until baby is here. I sadly said that’s fine and have given her space.

but I just feel upset. I’m not expecting anyone to jump for joy. End of the day nobody is really excited for a baby other than family, but I’ve stuck by these two people through thick and thin. I’ve been there at 4am through breakups, driven hours to pick them up places, just always been a loyal and good friend and both have cut me out because I’m pregnant. We are mid 30’s by the way.

It’s making me feel like even if I go to my 12 week scan and my pregnancy isn’t successful. I dont want to be their friends anymore? AIBU?

This 100%

These two are not your friends. You mention only what you've done for them over the years? What have they done for you?

Your so-called 'friends' aren't. I absolutely understand someone struggling with fertility issues may find talking babies/being around a pregnant woman, will be tough. However, your friend's fertility issues, are not yours, and no one should make you feel guilty for being pregnant. It's her choice to have little to do with you throughout your pregnancy but equally it's your choice to end the friendship going forward.

The first friend, I find the most bizarre. She's not trying for a baby (presumably because it's a new relationship that she's in) and has no reason to believe she couldn't fall pregnant. Yet, she's clearly jealous, but I wonder if this reaction isn't purely because of the pregnancy? I suspect that she's perhaps jealous of the fact you have a long-term, stable, secure relationship, with a man who loves you...and she resents that she doesn't (not yet anyhow). The pregnancy has tipped her jealousy over the edge, and it's consumed her.

The second friend, I have some sympathy for, even though I think she's behaving poorly. The first..no sympathy at all, she's a nasty, jealous woman, who's throwing a temper tantrum.

I would be withdrawing from both friendship's but especially the first. With a friend like the first, you don't need any enemies.

Absolute bitch arseholes! I struggled for years with infertility however I always rocked up to see my friends with baby gifts and heartfelt congratulations. I always viewed their babies as that, their babies! Those children were not a reflection of my losses.
Thankfully I now have two children and have lovely best friends who have been with me through thick and thin.
Please enjoy your pregnancy and your baby. ,💐💐

Congratulations, early pregnancy can be a worrying time, but take each day as it comes x your two friends are awful and yes you need to cut them out of your life. An explanation of ‘struggling with my emotions right now’ is not a reason to be such a cow / bad friend, concentrate on growing your baby, your well-being and planning your future. You won’t move on from this behaviour and utter selfishness if you decide to keep them in our life x

Absolute weirdo behaviour from them both and it’s good the revealed themselves before the baby was here.

They sound self centred and horrible. You will make better friends, and meet people more on the same page as you. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

The first friend sounds awful - jealous and bitter - drop her like a stone. Your second friend - the one who suffered an ectopic pregnancy - probably deserves a little more consideration - she offered a valid reason for not wanting to be around during the pregnancy due to her personal experiences. That said, 17 years is a long time to be carrying around somewhat extreme sensitivity, and maybe she ought to seek therapy. They've both let you down, particularly as you've been such a good friend in the past. Ignore them, enjoy this precious time, and the very best of luck. You didn't need them to get pregnant, and you don't need them now.

What a pair of arseholes. I'm sorry you've lost two friends but really it's no great loss if they can behave this way!

I struggled with infertility and whilst I'd later cry to myself on learning that friends and family were pregnant I was always very happy for them. I wouldn't have wished the heartache each month on anyone.

I'm very sorry these women can't be happy for you. You deserve much better friends.

Good luck with the pregnancy and a safe delivery.

They are both totally self-centred and horrible. Ditch them both - but in your place I don’t think I would be able to resist telling them first what I thought of them, and their ingratitude for all you’ve done for them in the past.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and wish you the best throughout!

Your “friends” are toxic I’m afraid. They have selfishly put their needs before yours. While they have their own issues around pregnancy, they can’t find fault with you for getting pregnant and act out that emotion.

IMO they have no right to be around you at any point. I hope you see them for what they are, they are not your friends and possibly have never been.

Edit: The fact that you have not one, but two friends like this, makes me wonder if you are susceptible to these unequal friendships. I was in a similar situation before and years later, I understood that I was drawn to a particular toxic type, in part because of some things I had to resolve in myself.

What’s that saying “with friends like this, who needs enemies”. These people are not your friends (especially Friend 1 who sounds batshit crazy quite frankly). So yes cut them out and don’t feel remotely bad about it. Amazes me that adult people can behave in this way.

They do-they just want op to continue running round after them.And for nothing to get in the way of that. They should be happy for op. Ditch them both selfish cows

I think they’ve both made the decision for you tbh, especially friend 2. Some people react so strangely to pregnancy news, it’s sad but they were never really your friends anyway if this is how they can let you down.

OP I TTC for years, had multiple MC and am childless. And you know what I do when friends announce pregnancy? I make a big fuss of them, buy them a jelly cat bunny and chocolates because I want them to feel special and know that they don’t have to tread lightly around me. There have been occasions when I was TTC that I cried for days when friends told me about their pregnancy because I was so sad that it wasn’t happening to me too, but crucially I understood that as their friend, the moment was about them and not me, so they still have no idea how sad I felt because I made a special fuss about their exciting news.
These two are not good friends of yours. I can empathise with the one who has ended up childless as she might need a moment to get her head into friend mode rather than focusing on her own feelings, but to say she can’t see you while you’re pregnant is bonkers.

Congrats op! Sadly those two women aren’t your friends at all though.

They sound horrible. Let them have their silence and crack on with doing stuff for you.

I had a friend who did similar, now I think about it. We used to flat share but had by the time I was pregnant, moved out/in with partners.
She had always been very vocal about not wanting children. Was resolutely on birth control & 'doubled up' so that her partner was too. (Putting this in as it was always an absolute that she didn't want children).

We used to invite each other (and partners) over for dinner every month, and it was our turn to go to them. I had already told her I was pregnant and struggling with some foods, particularly spices.
When we got to theirs, they'd cooked a curry.
I ate what I could and apologised for being 'fussy'.
She seemed a bit put out, and said she'd "forgotten" that I couldn't eat anything spiced.

I got home and discovered that she had deleted me from her social media. I never heard from her again, despite trying to reach her through a variety of methods.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Neither of these women had a "normal" reaction. They both sound awful.
Do as they request and never speak to them again.

That sounds a bit extreme - is your DH unreliable or otherwise under suspicion for not going to make a good dad? I just wonder if they're worried about you or your circumstances for becoming a parent, otherwise it seems a really weird reaction from more than one person.

The second friend I could maybe understand, though I’d still feel bit miffed. The first friend I would be livid at. How dare she?! She’s being absolutely ridiculous. She’s been on birth control her whole life, she’s not even in a position to raise a family and has the audacity to tell her you’ve “ruined her life” ?! She can fuck right off.

Congratulations 🎊 👏 💐

Block both of them. Horrible, ignorant, cruel behaviour. These people do not deserve to have a friend like you.

My current best friends are all the women I met as a new mum. Don't look back, look forward to the wonderful days ahead x

Ditch them both.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 💐

This pretty much from me. I am childless not by choice. I did come to terms with it but have had bad moments during my life because of it. Even in my worst times I would NEVER have said anything so cruel to anyone let alone a good friend.

I don’t see any point in wasting another minute on them.

I've felt that myself, even when I hadn't experienced infertility, loss, or even been particularly interested in ttc—but for most of us, you can 'suck it up' and just do the decent thing of putting on a happy face for friends and family. Especially for someone who'd been there for me, I'd try not to make it all about myself.

@fyllnadspenna

Unless you have experienced those things I find it totally weird that there would be anything at all to "suck up"!

And how could you possibly make a friend's pregnancy all about you so you'd even have to "try not to"? I'm genuinely staggered.