To end my two friendships over this? (Pregnancy)

[Fluffymop]

I recently found out I was pregnant, and although I’m only 7 weeks I’m excited. No cramping and no blood or anything. So far so good.

i have two best friends. (They don’t know each other)- but both have reacted terribly.

My first friend has reacted the strangest. I told her because we talk every single day, do things together often and my partner works away and family are quite far, so thought it would be good for someone to know. I’ve been there for her through everything, break ups, her dad’s illness, driving to hospitals at 4am, lent her money when she’s been short. Helped her move house.

So when I told her her first comment was “well don’t get attached as there’s a 50% likelihood you’ll miscarry” so I agreed, though don’t believe it’s that high, but said that of course I’ll be cautious until 12 weeks. She then proceeded to ignore me for 9 days. We usually speak daily on WhatsApp. I didn’t actually mind the peace but then she sent me a long message saying that I had basically ruined her life. She wants children (she’s in a brand new relationship). She can’t control her emotions or anger towards my situation and will be fine as long as baby is never mentioned. That she can’t put into words how she feels but she isn’t pleased at all. She just kept saying repeatedly she’s struggling with her emotions.

She has never struggled with infertility or anything and has been on birth control for the last fifteen years. Of course, if this was the case then I’d have been more sensitive. There’s no reason to suggest she couldn’t fall next month. I now feel just bitter and upset towards her. And made to feel guilty for being pregnant even though I’m a woman in her mid thirties and own my own home etc.

Next friend, bit more understandable. She had an ectopic 17 years ago. I had to tell her as we had a holiday to the US booked two weeks after my expected due date. She was fine but said that she wouldn’t be able to speak to me until baby is here. I sadly said that’s fine and have given her space.

but I just feel upset. I’m not expecting anyone to jump for joy. End of the day nobody is really excited for a baby other than family, but I’ve stuck by these two people through thick and thin. I’ve been there at 4am through breakups, driven hours to pick them up places, just always been a loyal and good friend and both have cut me out because I’m pregnant. We are mid 30’s by the way.

It’s making me feel like even if I go to my 12 week scan and my pregnancy isn’t successful. I dont want to be their friends anymore? AIBU?

She's making up an issue as she's massively jealous. She isn't you're friend. Tell her you are stepping away from the friendship as she is awful. Block. Delete. Chowwwwder

OP, are you a compulsive people pleaser? Could it be that these two close friendships have always been imbalanced, with you always having given more than they do? Could it be that they are both rather self centered (in different ways), and are reacting badly to you having something new and meaningful in your own life that means you might be less giving to them? Please don't think I am assuming this to be the case, just curious. But if this is true, then letting these friendships go may be best for you in the long run.

I was thinking the same thing about the imbalance.

Friend 1 sounds truly awful I wouldn;t bother giving her any more apologies or justifications now that she's calling you nasty... just something like

"I'm feeling let down and disappointed by your unkind reaction to my pregnancy news culminating in your commenting that I shouldn't get too attached and then calling me "Nasty", when the most appropriate thing to say to a friend is "Congratulations."

And block

So you need to check in on her about her hypothetical issues she may have conceiving her hypothetical children, but she doesnt think she should be checking in/reassuring you about the ACTUAL baby that you are currently carrying...

Also if she is genuinely concerned about infertility issues the fact shes told you your likely to miscarry (with absolutely bullshit statistics) is even more disgusting.

Just put her firmly in the bin OP you really dont need this kind of toxicty around you

They sound fucking bonkers - ditch them both - what utter arseholes - you dont need these two in your life during what is going to be such a special time for you! You dont want to look back on your pregnancy and think - instead of being happy, i dealt with two utter arseholes.

No awful OP.

I have friends who are struggling with infertility be happy for me but understandably keep their distance for self preservation reasons (not coming to any showers for example) but will always ask how I am or how baby is.

im struggling to understand your ‘friends’ reactions. They are not the reactions of close friends, im sorry.

Horrible women.

I had a miscarriage around ten years ago. Really nasty and I nearly died from complications. But I went back to work after two weeks, even though looking back, this was nuts. I had been seriously ill. As in, my partner was called in to say goodbye. But I made it.

I was sent to the German office at work 2 or 3 months later, where I met the office manager, who was not only pregnant - but due on the EXACT same day I would have been due. Did I make a fuss? Nope. I gave her a big hug and wished her well.

These women are toxic and horrible. The first woman, I don't even understand what her problem is. But even the second, respectfully to her, she needs to grow up and be happy for you. Why does she need space??

Some of the stuff they have both said to you is unforgivable, so it's all immaterial anyway. You don't need that. Personally I'd rather be alone than have those witches in my life.

First of all… … Massive congratulations!
I wish you all the best!

second - don’t pander to these two. Nothing you say or do now will be right, they will turn everything round - if you talk about your pregnancy you’ll be insensitive, if you don’t talk about it they’ll say pregnancy has changed you and they’re no longer good enough for you! Poor them, such victims of your happy news!

I tried to conceive for 11 years before having my DD…. Not once did I ever act like this to a single friend or relative who told me they were pregnant… in fact I told them how thrilled I was for them and told them not to dare feel bad for me or hold back on sharing anything with me as I wanted to be part of as much as possible/they wanted me to be!… and friends I’d bonded over fertility issues with were also thrilled for me when I found out I was pregnant! I’ve never heard of women being so vile to their friends during such vulnerable but happy times!
I’d leave them both to their fucking misery now! - friend one is pathetic! The coil makes your periods change / stop and she’d have been told this! Most peoples periods stop completely… and if going on a coil then she’s not planning on having kids for 5 years!!….. so she is just trying to make this about her….. just tell her you’re very sympathetic to her situation and hope she in a situation soon to be trying to conceive -

True friends would be happy for you regardless, and even if they were struggling with fertility they should be happy you’re not…. I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone!! And even if they feel jealous they should keep that vile part hidden and pretend to be thrilled … your first friend is nuts!! You can’t be pissed off your friend is pregnant ‘just encase’ you can’t ever have kids!…. What a stupid cow she is being! No non of us know what our future holds…. But Christ we can’t never be happy for others encase we never have what they’re celebrating!

I wouldn’t reply anything to your friends other than a simple ‘sorry you feel that way!’ Type of response!! … save your energy and protect your pregnancy by staying as stress free as possible.

time to make new friends I think!! Join some pregnancy classes later in pregnancy and try to make some lovely mum friends.

good luck @Fluffymop - I’m so thrilled for you xx

There really are some strange people in the world.

They both come across as "weird" - no offence intended. It’s probably best to ignore them, engaging will likely only make things worse down the line.

This isn’t a friendship.

Thats insane. Just reads jealousy all over. I started to read she had messaged you, and thought oh good she came to her senses. But no she has totally lost them altogether. You dont need a friend like that.

Do yourself a big pregnancy favour and cut this toxicity loose.

Noone needs this in their lives.

This

Sadly this is what the world is now, a generation of selfish people who believe their right to be the centre of the universe, never upset, never facing difficulty, their needs met above all else, protecting their peace (vom) trumps decent humanity.

ditch them.

theyre fucking gross.

Such vile self-centred arseholes. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'd love to reply to them, but I'm a cunt.

"If couldn't control my emotions I'd call you a selfish piece of shit, but I'm not a lunatic."

I’d wrote back to friend 1 and ask her how you’re supposed to react if she does have a baby in a couple of years and she has behaved like this about your baby. It might make her think.

So stop it. Leave it at you have never even tried for a baby so how would you know.

Some thing like:

You are acting as if you had multiple miscarriages. I told you my news & you didn’t even congratulate me, in fact you told me not to get my hopes up. What I am supposed to think, that you almost wish harm on my child so you won’t be upset about a fertility issue you don’t even know you have? The appropriate response when someone tells you they are pregnant is “congratulations”.

I think this bit needs to be pointed out. She is concerned about issues she doesn’t know she has/jealous. While at the same time dismissing your pregnancy as likely unsustainable. Has she even stopped for two minutes to reflect on hiw that comes across?

OP, they are both selfish and entitled, especially the first one. Her initial comment was super nasty and her demands are ridiculous. Second friend, well, I dont know - up to you, but I would not want a friend who makes me walk on eggshells during the most exciting and happy time of my life.

I think you need to step back and think how the friendship was - you say you doner a lot for them, but have they ever done this much for you? Did they come to expect you to pander to their every whim? This sort of thing happens in one-sided friendships. You are totally entitled to get angry and tell them both in no uncertain terms their behaviour is self centred and twattish. Ditch them both, concentrate on your pregnancy - you will meet new people along the way, make new friends and in the future make sure you are not being secondary in any friendship.

I would just tell first friend:

"You are being ridiculous, and making this being about you when its not. Your initial comment about the miscarriage was very insensitive and it upset me - and you are saying I have to be sensitive about you when you are not even pregnant? I'm really disappointed you cant put your (non-existent) issues aside and be happy for me, as one would expect from a friend. I hope you can reflect on what you have said and what you demand of me - perhaps imagine if the situation was in reverse? For now, I dont feel like I want to talk to you, sorry"

And the second one:

"I'm sorry you cant simply be happy for me, its a shame you are removing yourself from my life like this. Good luck with everything and maybe speak sometime in the future".

This. She is not a friend, she is a taker who wants to be centre of attention. Put yourself a d your future baby first.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.
Please block both their numbers and give yourself some headspace. They know where you are, should they need you. But remember when they do contact you, it will all be about them! Be the role model you want to be for your child now. Protect them from watching you dance around the needs of the weird visiting ‘mummy’s friends’ for the next 18 years!! It’s an exciting new world opening up for your little family X

She's going on the offensive in nasty, throwing in some gaslighting about your 'lack of support' (which is utter bollocks) for good measure. Block her on everything. She's not your friend. She's vile.

Both sound awful. Are we missing some important context, perhaps about baby's dad, or are both your friends really that sensitive and self-absorbed?!

Good, but I would remove the sorry from the end of that first response!