To end my two friendships over this? (Pregnancy)

[Fluffymop]

I recently found out I was pregnant, and although I’m only 7 weeks I’m excited. No cramping and no blood or anything. So far so good.

i have two best friends. (They don’t know each other)- but both have reacted terribly.

My first friend has reacted the strangest. I told her because we talk every single day, do things together often and my partner works away and family are quite far, so thought it would be good for someone to know. I’ve been there for her through everything, break ups, her dad’s illness, driving to hospitals at 4am, lent her money when she’s been short. Helped her move house.

So when I told her her first comment was “well don’t get attached as there’s a 50% likelihood you’ll miscarry” so I agreed, though don’t believe it’s that high, but said that of course I’ll be cautious until 12 weeks. She then proceeded to ignore me for 9 days. We usually speak daily on WhatsApp. I didn’t actually mind the peace but then she sent me a long message saying that I had basically ruined her life. She wants children (she’s in a brand new relationship). She can’t control her emotions or anger towards my situation and will be fine as long as baby is never mentioned. That she can’t put into words how she feels but she isn’t pleased at all. She just kept saying repeatedly she’s struggling with her emotions.

She has never struggled with infertility or anything and has been on birth control for the last fifteen years. Of course, if this was the case then I’d have been more sensitive. There’s no reason to suggest she couldn’t fall next month. I now feel just bitter and upset towards her. And made to feel guilty for being pregnant even though I’m a woman in her mid thirties and own my own home etc.

Next friend, bit more understandable. She had an ectopic 17 years ago. I had to tell her as we had a holiday to the US booked two weeks after my expected due date. She was fine but said that she wouldn’t be able to speak to me until baby is here. I sadly said that’s fine and have given her space.

but I just feel upset. I’m not expecting anyone to jump for joy. End of the day nobody is really excited for a baby other than family, but I’ve stuck by these two people through thick and thin. I’ve been there at 4am through breakups, driven hours to pick them up places, just always been a loyal and good friend and both have cut me out because I’m pregnant. We are mid 30’s by the way.

It’s making me feel like even if I go to my 12 week scan and my pregnancy isn’t successful. I dont want to be their friends anymore? AIBU?

I have no words for friend one. If she'd have said that in person she would have been lucky not to get a slap in the face from most people.

And as fair as friend 2 is concerned, does she just go about her life running away from pregnant women?

I’m glad we started teaching toddlers how to manage their big emotions so that less adults grow up to be completely incapable with dealing with feelings of disappointment in a healthy way without taking it out on others.

I think they're both being very unreasonable, even the one who had the ectopic pregnancy. It was 17 years ago; she must have encountered pregnant people since then and had to confront her emotions about it. They've effectively told you they're distancing themselves from you, and I don't think you should chase or cajole them. It's sad when these have been your good friends, but they are showing you they can't be there for you at happy times, and there may be more of those in the years to come. Congratulations, and I hope the pregnancy goes well.

Bin them and don’t give them another thought
What awful, self-centred inconsiderate ‘friends’ you have. Enjoy your pregnancy and planning for your future without those two. They’ll suck the joy out of what should be a very exciting time.
Good luck OP, hope your pregnancy goes well

Bloody hell, those are extreme reactions from two supposed great finds. My husband and I had infertility and until we found out about ICSI didn't even think IVF would work so had to face a future of no children... at exactly the time my sister, best friend, oldest friend and two close friends got pregnant. I was so happy for them! I was sad for me and my husband of course but so happy that they didn't have struggles, that's how you're meant to feel with people you care about. Congratulations op, you will find some great friends in motherhood.

They sound like a pair of cunts. Ditch them both

Dump them both.
Cancel the holiday.

Congratulations 🥳.

Sorry OP but they’re really not your friends as friends would be happy for you, even if they were struggling themselves, but these two are using you to make themselves feel better. They couldn’t give a toss about supporting you.

I’d take this opportunity to quietly reduce contact with them and start looking for new friends. When you’re a bit further along, start looking for antenatal classes and try a few. I also took DC to playgroups when he was little and made friends there too. Again, I tried a few groups as some folks just weren’t my type but don’t give up and keep trying.

I made some really good mum friends from my NCT group and we still message each other more than 16 yrs later, even though I’ve moved away from the area.

Fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly. 🤞

Not very good friends to respond so negatively to your wonderful news are they?!
My advice???? distance yourself now, they aren’t good for you, they can’t share in your joy, and they aren’t worth your time. Wishing you well with your pregnancy 💐

This is shocking behaviour from two supposedly good friends. I’ve had very close friends who have suffered with infertility for years and they’ve always outwardly been happy when a pregnancy is announced.

They sound really selfish and self-obsessed. I agree. Ditch the pair of losers.

Amazing news OP, I hope all goes well with your baby.

I hate, how nowadays people have lost their manners and say such horribly inappropriate things.

'Friend' 1 is a bitter, jealous bitch who will soon probably have an oopsie baby with her new relationship, find the relationship doesn't work out and end up having 3 babies form 3 different baby daddies. Just kidding.

She sounds absolutely deranged and self centred.

Friend 2 is unpleasant too. Do not pay for a holiday for her.

You'll find lovely new friends, try NCT classes.

Congratulations, I hope you have a smooth pregnancy and when baby arrives you find a new circle who are supportive and 100x lovelier than either of these former friends. Try to draw a line under it now and don't let their bitterness spoil anything else - they've shown who they are. You're allowed to be happy without their blessing.

Congratulations OP. That was a very nasty comment that Friend 1 said to you, followed up by her messages.

I would honestly ditch them both now if they can't be happy for you .

You will meet new friends through the baby, at toddler groups and classes etc if you choose to go to them.

I'm childless (through choice), but I find the idea of a "friend" actually punishing a woman for being pregnant (no matter what the "friend's" previous or current circumstances - there's absolutely no NEED for this behaviour) completely reprehensible. Do they expect other women friends/family never to get pregnant out of some sort of deference?

Both are cunts!

Dump

How sad for you to have those reactions to such wonderful news. I had unexplained fertility issues for a couple of years, and had left it late to start a family due to my career. All around me were cousins, friends, neighbours having babies, or even deciding not to continue with another baby as they already had three children. I never once said I couldn’t see anyone, it was unfair, etc.
Let me tell you, I am really pleased and excited for you, as I am for anyone that becomes pregnant with a wanted child.
Cancel your holiday, don’t pay the whole amount, babies cost lots of money, start a savings account for them with what you would have paid and push those two friends far down the scale of importance in your life.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!! Feel no guilt at ditching your friends.

Ditch them!

I had to tell my boss I was pregnant at 8 weeks as I was throwing up every 5 mins and looked green. She said "Oh fingers crossed" I asked her what she meant and she said "1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage"

Wtaf, I don't know how anyone could think that was an acceptable thing to say?!

Congratulations OP x

I would be blocking 'Friend' 1 without even the courtesy of a reply.

'Friend' 2 I would give a wide berth and only accept her back if she comes crawling with an apology for such poor behaviour.

Wishing you a very healthy pregnancy. Congratulations x

Op, I know where they're coming from. When you are really close with a friend for many years and the expectation becomes that you're each other's family, a baby is a huge spanner in the works.
If you can be truly honest with yourself, do you think if friend1 had texted to say she was pregnant and you weren't, would you be very excited for her?
I went through something similar with my best friend. When my husband proposed, she was clearly unhappy about it. We had, to that point, the closest of friendships. Soul mates is a term we used. The proposal and ensuing wedding clearly upset her though she wouldn't admit it. She was in a very long relationship at that point but he hadn't popped the question.
That was the first knock our friendship took.
We had always fantasised about having babies at the same time and raising them together. As a result, I held off on having a baby because I thought it was something we were determined to experience together.
She married 2 years after me. I asked her when she was thinking of starting a family and she said not for a while. I'm 3 yrs older so was looking to get the show on the road.
She then announced she was pregnant. No heads up, nothing.
Just like that, our social life was out the window and her focus was suddenly on her family unit and the future.
I felt so betrayed. I couldn't find it in me for months to be happy for her. I felt she had made a decision with only herself in mind and hadn't factored me in when that's all I had ever done with her.
We remained friends but she knew I felt hurt. She couldn't understand why I wasn't happy for her. She made my wedding year hell on earth but I had made hers wonderful and then she expected me to be joyous at her news.
I have a child now too. I got over my issues with her but things will never be the same.

What a toxic nasty pair.. when your beautiful baby is here your whole life will change anyway and priorities are turned right round as they should be 👍

Please respond to ‘friend 1’ as she desperately needs frank feedback on her behaviour. I’d suggest mentioning that her frank expression of her feelings makes you able to be frank in return: how you had believed from x, y & z you had a mutually supportive friendship, how this is a significant positive life event for you which has its own challenges but you wished to share it with her, how you now understand she is not able to happy or even compassionate towards you at present so you agree it’s best for your pregnancy to pause contact, that maybe if she comes to a place where she can engage with your family’s life events and needs perhaps you might be able to re kindle a relationship in the future, and wish her well while she works on that.’

Your friends have reacted badly.
HOWEVER..
It’s not an excuse, but perhaps they have suffered with losses previously? You may not be aware, it really does cause such a clash of emotions that can be so hard to deal with. I had this after a miscarriage & absolutely hated myself for it, but seeing others happily get pregnant was unbearable at times. It’s not an excuse, but I would keep that possibility in the back of your mind. Distance yourself, enjoy your pregnancy & I hope you have other supportive people to celebrate with.