To end my two friendships over this? (Pregnancy)

[Fluffymop]

I recently found out I was pregnant, and although I’m only 7 weeks I’m excited. No cramping and no blood or anything. So far so good.

i have two best friends. (They don’t know each other)- but both have reacted terribly.

My first friend has reacted the strangest. I told her because we talk every single day, do things together often and my partner works away and family are quite far, so thought it would be good for someone to know. I’ve been there for her through everything, break ups, her dad’s illness, driving to hospitals at 4am, lent her money when she’s been short. Helped her move house.

So when I told her her first comment was “well don’t get attached as there’s a 50% likelihood you’ll miscarry” so I agreed, though don’t believe it’s that high, but said that of course I’ll be cautious until 12 weeks. She then proceeded to ignore me for 9 days. We usually speak daily on WhatsApp. I didn’t actually mind the peace but then she sent me a long message saying that I had basically ruined her life. She wants children (she’s in a brand new relationship). She can’t control her emotions or anger towards my situation and will be fine as long as baby is never mentioned. That she can’t put into words how she feels but she isn’t pleased at all. She just kept saying repeatedly she’s struggling with her emotions.

She has never struggled with infertility or anything and has been on birth control for the last fifteen years. Of course, if this was the case then I’d have been more sensitive. There’s no reason to suggest she couldn’t fall next month. I now feel just bitter and upset towards her. And made to feel guilty for being pregnant even though I’m a woman in her mid thirties and own my own home etc.

Next friend, bit more understandable. She had an ectopic 17 years ago. I had to tell her as we had a holiday to the US booked two weeks after my expected due date. She was fine but said that she wouldn’t be able to speak to me until baby is here. I sadly said that’s fine and have given her space.

but I just feel upset. I’m not expecting anyone to jump for joy. End of the day nobody is really excited for a baby other than family, but I’ve stuck by these two people through thick and thin. I’ve been there at 4am through breakups, driven hours to pick them up places, just always been a loyal and good friend and both have cut me out because I’m pregnant. We are mid 30’s by the way.

It’s making me feel like even if I go to my 12 week scan and my pregnancy isn’t successful. I dont want to be their friends anymore? AIBU?

It seems strange that after all the years you’ve been close friends this is the only issue and it’s just come up.

It also sounds like they’ve already made the decision to end the friendship.

Thats really terrible behaviour from them and I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and i hope it’s a smooth one. Look after yourself, don’t give these people headspace to upset and stress you out.

You seems that you ve been a very good friend to them both.They are certainly very selfish and have no regard for your wellbeing at all ,let alone that your in early pregnancy and need a good support network around you right now.They are not true friends to be treating you like this.
Now you r in a new chapter of your life there wil be lots of opportunities to meet and make new friends.. Some of my longest and truest friends were made after we had and bringing up young children ; helping and supporting each other .You find out who your resl friends are.
These girls are not true friends treating you like that.
Don t bother with them; selfish to the core.

Absolutely toxic.
So not normal.

Extremely nasty and unkind.
Do not pay a penny towards her holiday. Lose your deposit and thats it.

OP, they have shown you who they are and you would be so wise to believe them.

You have just found out who they really are.
Hard to believe you never saw a whiff of this before to be honest.

Have you ignored red flags?

Congratulations!

What a terrible pair of self obsessed dickheads they must be. Maybe as a parting gift you could introduce them to each other..?

You’ll be meeting lots of new people at ante natal classes, baby-related groups etc soon enough, OP

Yes that’s my view

Oh sweetie, im sorry this is your experience.
Of course they should be excited for you! I would definitely reevaluate your friendship with both as you should be surrounded by positivity during pregnancy. Vile behaviour

Congratulations!!

Weirdly enough they’d always been pretty good friends. Friend 1, does have a habit of being bitter unless her life is going amazing. She’s always had a little bitterness to anyone having nice things but never expected this. I think it could be an attention thing as she also struggles when someone else has any sort of lime light. But she’s never been horrible per se.

Friend 2, is nicer but again, is a bit of a complainer and due to her health issues, does see the world as a bit of a bad place at times.

but alas, does not mean they can be so bloody horrible to their friend.

I think some women have taken things too far in terms of sensitivity over other women's pregnancies. I understand that it stirs up unexpected emotions for many women. I've felt that myself, even when I hadn't experienced infertility, loss, or even been particularly interested in ttc—but for most of us, you can 'suck it up' and just do the decent thing of putting on a happy face for friends and family. Especially for someone who'd been there for me, I'd try not to make it all about myself. I do understand not wanting to talk about the pregnancy all the time, but I imagine there are things they've gone through that you didn't want to hear about regularly, either. If that had become a problem, they could have gently mentioned it, but they didn't give it a chance to happen, essentially cutting you off as soon as you told them you were pregnant. That's strange and cold behaviour from a friend, and until fairly recently, I don't think it would have occurred to many people to do such a thing.

YANBU to feel differently about them now that they've shown how selfish and self-absorbed they are. They've handled this badly.

And these were your two best friends of 15 years?!

Get better friends!

Although it doesn’t sound like you going NC with them is going to particularly upset either of them

These are not your friends.

It sounds as though you are naturally mothering and these are women who have got used to having you at their beck and call, and are furious that now your attention may be taken by a baby.

Both absolute weirdos tbh.

First of all, congratulations OP. Secondly, both of your friends are not friends. They are very unpleasant and personally there would be no coming back from that for me. Even if they turn around in three weeks time and said sorry I’m afraid I would still know what their immediate reaction was and their immediate reaction was not kindness and happiness for a friend.
But only you know how you will react if that happens. In the meantime, give them the space that they need because you should not be tiptoeing around and not mentioning what is an absolutely life Changing event that you are clearly very pleased about.

Just get your deposit back and kick this pair to the kerb. Sorry it's got to hurt I know, but these 2 are not friends.

What absolute fucking weirdos.

Congratulations OP!!!

Pregnancy and having babies does change your life a lot and it does change some relationships. It does also open or strengthen others. You'll find better friends or get closer to other existing ones.

That response to fully pay for someone else is bonkers. You should like a walkover. The most you offer is her share of the deposit. A good friend would not even expect that given the circumstances.

Twats. Both of them!!

Both really selfish. Congratulation, I’m sure everything will be fine. When the baby arrives you will make lots of new friends via antenatal classes then play groups and school. These will be your main circle day to day. You won’t need your old weird friends.

welll for a kick off it’s 20-25% of pregnancies that end in early miscarriage so she’s way off on that / you’d think if she was so interested in having children she would know that very common stat, no?

Her emotions are for her to deal with, not put onto you. That goes for both of them actually. I highly suspect at least Friend 1 is jealous of someone else (the baby) taking all your attention now and you won’t be able to run round after her like before.

You say you’ve been a good friend, supportive, 4am runs etc - have they reciprocated EVER? Or are you always the one being supportive and they like that …..

My jaw is on the floor. What a couple of lunatics. Congrats OP, cut them loose and enjoy your pregnancy with walking on eggshells.

You're only being unreasonable for saying you wondered if you'd done something wrong. Don't be ridiculous.

Find friends who are happy for you. I had a friend similar to friend one, everything became a competition. It was exhausting do yourself a favour now. Friend 2 it’s more understandable but I presume she can still check in with you? Watch the actions op.

Doesnt sound like either want to be friends with you too, so its a win win all around.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Both of your friends are incredibly self-absorbed and need therapy. Their responses to you are not appropriate and they cannot expect the world to change because they are distressed by other people’s happy news. No matter what their own experiences have been.

I would send a message telling them the above and would then not bother maintaining any sort of relationship with either of them. YANBU at all to ditch them completely.

OP firstly huge congratulations.

Secondly, these so-called friends are abhorrent. Terrible behaviour from both of them. I’m sorry you’ve experienced that at what should be a joyous time. Try to rise above it. Hopefully once baby is here, you will make some new mummy friends at baby groups.

Congratulations.

Find different friends.