To end my two friendships over this? (Pregnancy)

[Fluffymop]

I recently found out I was pregnant, and although I’m only 7 weeks I’m excited. No cramping and no blood or anything. So far so good.

i have two best friends. (They don’t know each other)- but both have reacted terribly.

My first friend has reacted the strangest. I told her because we talk every single day, do things together often and my partner works away and family are quite far, so thought it would be good for someone to know. I’ve been there for her through everything, break ups, her dad’s illness, driving to hospitals at 4am, lent her money when she’s been short. Helped her move house.

So when I told her her first comment was “well don’t get attached as there’s a 50% likelihood you’ll miscarry” so I agreed, though don’t believe it’s that high, but said that of course I’ll be cautious until 12 weeks. She then proceeded to ignore me for 9 days. We usually speak daily on WhatsApp. I didn’t actually mind the peace but then she sent me a long message saying that I had basically ruined her life. She wants children (she’s in a brand new relationship). She can’t control her emotions or anger towards my situation and will be fine as long as baby is never mentioned. That she can’t put into words how she feels but she isn’t pleased at all. She just kept saying repeatedly she’s struggling with her emotions.

She has never struggled with infertility or anything and has been on birth control for the last fifteen years. Of course, if this was the case then I’d have been more sensitive. There’s no reason to suggest she couldn’t fall next month. I now feel just bitter and upset towards her. And made to feel guilty for being pregnant even though I’m a woman in her mid thirties and own my own home etc.

Next friend, bit more understandable. She had an ectopic 17 years ago. I had to tell her as we had a holiday to the US booked two weeks after my expected due date. She was fine but said that she wouldn’t be able to speak to me until baby is here. I sadly said that’s fine and have given her space.

but I just feel upset. I’m not expecting anyone to jump for joy. End of the day nobody is really excited for a baby other than family, but I’ve stuck by these two people through thick and thin. I’ve been there at 4am through breakups, driven hours to pick them up places, just always been a loyal and good friend and both have cut me out because I’m pregnant. We are mid 30’s by the way.

It’s making me feel like even if I go to my 12 week scan and my pregnancy isn’t successful. I dont want to be their friends anymore? AIBU?

I don’t understand how friend 2 is horrible?

I guess it depends on whether she’s had children since. If so, I agree it’s weird to fixate on an ectopic nearly 20 years ago. Not speaking is going to kill the friendship regardless.

Friend 1 is just bitter and if she was this desperate to be pregnant, why not have prioritised this rather than shitting on your friend? If you can’t be happy for a friend, then do you even like them?

True. It was a toxic codependency situation that did neither of us any good.

They both sound ghastly and you will be well rid of them.

The only thing you've done wrong with them is to have them in your life at all. They sound awful.

Congratulations OP. Wishing you well 💕

Your friends are being outrageously self-centred.

Regardless of the outcome of your pregnancy you will need people around you who will support you.

You already know these ‘friends’ don’t have a place by your side for your next chapter.

Congratulations!!
I might forgive friend number 2 if they apologise but the friendship will never be the same. Bin friend number 1 ASAP!! Wishing you a happy healthy pregnancy.

Ditch the bitches

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
i am sorry your friends have been so unkind and unsupportive of you as you face a major life event.

I have had years of infertility, and it really was rough watching friend after friend announce their pregnancy and give birth. Obviously (you would think), I only ever said Congratulations and brought baby gifts after the birth. You need to raise the bar for your friendships.

Disgusting behavior from both of them

Meanwhile me a total stranger is totally stoked for you. Congratulations and a big hug

My God, what is wrong with some people? your two "friends" are behaving like selfish twats.

I would be having words with both and if neither of them could stop acting like a petulant child then I'd be dumping them both pronto.

Bloody hell, who needs enemies with this pair of jerks eh?

Congratulations btw!

Congrats @Fluffymop the most fantastic adventure of your life is about to begin.

Bloody hell, they both sound awful.

I’d ditch them and ditch the holiday. Don’t offer to pay for them to go!

Congratulations. They both sound like terrible friends. I'd be tempted to send them both a version of what you've posted here - using 'I' not 'you' language.

"I really value the history we share and what our friendship has meant over the years, which is why I need to be honest about how I’ve been feeling. When I told you about the pregnancy, I experienced your response as distant and upset, and I found that painful. When miscarriage was brought up straight away and then communication stopped, I felt hurt and unsupported during a vulnerable moment.
I understand that you may have your own feelings about this, and I respect that. At the same time, this pregnancy is my reality. I need the people in my life to be able to accept that. I would genuinely like for our friendship to continue, but only if it can include acceptance and respect for this part of my life. If that isn’t something you’re able to offer, I will need to step back from the friendship."

Gosh you poor thing. I’d be so hurt and I wouldn’t want to be friends with them anymore either!

Put some distance between you for now and focus on the people who celebrate your life’s successes with you.

You’re pregnant and that’s extremely lovely news. Congratulations … I wish you a safe & successful pregnancy x x x x

Fuck me, this is a vile way for them to treat you OP. It made me so sad to read your post.
Huge congratulations to you. As hard as it is, I think the best thing you can do is block them to be honest, and take back control of the situation for the sake of your own mental health. This should be a time in life when you do get to enjoy your excitement! If people can't even have the decency to support you, for the sake of 15+ years of close friendship, and deal with their own emotions in private, thwn they certainly don't deserve to snuggle your baby further down the line.
Sending you hugs from afar and cheering on your excitement 💪🎉

I couldnt have kids and was very sad about it but I never ever let my pregnant friends see that or Mae them feel bad. I was happy for them and showed it

I’m going to go against the grain here and just ask why you would describe people supposedly “your best friends” in such a negative manner? Why would you remain friends with two separate people (not even a group) that you describe so negatively- I wouldn’t be friends with someone for 15 years that I described as “bitter”. So sounds like no great loss to you, OP.

Anyway- as someone above has pointed out, you are being very naive re friend 2. The line re changing their mind on children will be one they’ve been troping out when all the inevitable questions come their way for the last 17 years. She hasn’t said she’s not happy for you- just she needs to distance herself from you right now; she’s still your friend (although, again, you don’t speak that highly of her!!). That would suggest her current lifestyle isn’t totally down to choice. No idea re friend one, she’s moving mad with those comments tbh.

Just my ol’ twopence worth. Congrats on your pregnancy by the way 💐

Absolutely horrible people. I am childless after years of trying, but I am always thrilled when friends are expecting. The fact that your friends haven't come to terms with their situation is not your problem.

Whatever happened to expecting grown adults to master their emotions and put others first? Both these women are acting like small children. It's as if nobody matters but themselves. And they think everyone should accept it and understand! This isn't healthy.

This is disgusting.

as someone who struggled for 4 years with infertility (I now have four children so all good)
I had to watch many close friends have babies, some unexpected. It broke my heart, but what did I do? I was genuinely happy for them, I was involved and helped out with their babies, threw them baby showers. Yes I might have had a little cry to myself when I was alone, but I would never let my friend know.

Firstly - congratulations!
Secondly - I know that if and when my friends announce their pregnancies, I am consumed with joy for them (and for me!), especially when it's something they've been praying for. A true friend would be able to put their own disappointment to one side and show nothing but happiness for you.
When I became pregnant with my 4th baby 13 years ago, my friend and neighbour, who I met through our daughters, began acting very strangely towards me. It was as though she couldn't give a shit, and it was at first really surprising, then it became quite hurtful. I'd previously lost a baby at 20 weeks, so she knew how much this pregnancy meant. Funnily enough, she was there 100% when we lost the baby, stepping in to look after our other children when we went to hospital and she was an absolute rock to us all throughout the whole time. In hindsight I think she enjoyed the power that role gave her.
In the end, our daughters fell out over something trivial at school and she seemed to use it as an excuse to end our friendship, just after I had my son. She wasn't bothered about him, didn't really ask about him or how I was. Just manufactured a huge fallout that still confuses me to this day.
Sometimes people aren't who you think they are. It's so hurtful, but I'd say it's time to end those friendships, join an antenatal class, and find some friends who are going to go through this new, exciting, phase of your life with you. Some of my mum friends are loyal friends for life - I think you sound lovely and will meet new friends through your baby who will totally have your back xx

Something of an understatement there @Grammarninja

Reading this, their reactions seem less surprising. They don't sound like particularly good friends.

Indeed.

In fact it sounds as though no one has really liked anyone within this scenario for a long time

So yet again, the mysterious case of the Mumsnetter with friends she doesn't actually like....