To end my two friendships over this? (Pregnancy)

[Fluffymop]

I recently found out I was pregnant, and although I’m only 7 weeks I’m excited. No cramping and no blood or anything. So far so good.

i have two best friends. (They don’t know each other)- but both have reacted terribly.

My first friend has reacted the strangest. I told her because we talk every single day, do things together often and my partner works away and family are quite far, so thought it would be good for someone to know. I’ve been there for her through everything, break ups, her dad’s illness, driving to hospitals at 4am, lent her money when she’s been short. Helped her move house.

So when I told her her first comment was “well don’t get attached as there’s a 50% likelihood you’ll miscarry” so I agreed, though don’t believe it’s that high, but said that of course I’ll be cautious until 12 weeks. She then proceeded to ignore me for 9 days. We usually speak daily on WhatsApp. I didn’t actually mind the peace but then she sent me a long message saying that I had basically ruined her life. She wants children (she’s in a brand new relationship). She can’t control her emotions or anger towards my situation and will be fine as long as baby is never mentioned. That she can’t put into words how she feels but she isn’t pleased at all. She just kept saying repeatedly she’s struggling with her emotions.

She has never struggled with infertility or anything and has been on birth control for the last fifteen years. Of course, if this was the case then I’d have been more sensitive. There’s no reason to suggest she couldn’t fall next month. I now feel just bitter and upset towards her. And made to feel guilty for being pregnant even though I’m a woman in her mid thirties and own my own home etc.

Next friend, bit more understandable. She had an ectopic 17 years ago. I had to tell her as we had a holiday to the US booked two weeks after my expected due date. She was fine but said that she wouldn’t be able to speak to me until baby is here. I sadly said that’s fine and have given her space.

but I just feel upset. I’m not expecting anyone to jump for joy. End of the day nobody is really excited for a baby other than family, but I’ve stuck by these two people through thick and thin. I’ve been there at 4am through breakups, driven hours to pick them up places, just always been a loyal and good friend and both have cut me out because I’m pregnant. We are mid 30’s by the way.

It’s making me feel like even if I go to my 12 week scan and my pregnancy isn’t successful. I dont want to be their friends anymore? AIBU?

Agree. Probably best for everyone to walk away from each other.

Yup.

Happens all the time

these mumsnet “best friendships” which have absolutely no relation to what I regard as a best friendship in any sense ie I love my best friends, these OPs despise their best friends as do the best friends towards the OPs

Disgusting horrible behaviour. These ladies are not your friends

I don’t really know, perhaps I felt I couldn’t share my news?
This was probably just a ‘me’ problem.

Oh OP they are absolutely horrendous i could not speak to either again

It sounds very much like the second friend was unable to get pregnant again and that she couldn’t have any children rather than a decision between her and her husband not to have any. Her many health issues sound like the reason she never conceived. People don’t usually consider adoption unless it’s the final straw. She must now be approaching the age where her biological clock is coming to an end. If she is still bitter about not having a child of her own she won’t be able to cope with your pregnancy, your new baby and your growing child and I think this is the end of your friendship through no fault of your own.

The other friend sounds jealous, she wants a baby too but is many years away from that. Maybe she’ll grow up in time….

That’s awful I understand feeling envious and sad I felt like that when trying for a while with my first but I would never have not been there for my friends. Join an NCT group or something similar and get some support . And congratulations

What horrible friends.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

Whilst pregnancy is a beautiful moment, it’s also very scary and life changing - so your friends reacting like this is so insensitive.

I find pregnancies and having children really highlight who your true friends are. It also highlights people’s characters. I had my first very young, and I can tell you now that she is a teen, those that I stayed friends with were the ones that accepted me and my baby. Not to say I shoved it in anyone’s face, I become very private during pregnancy and don’t make a fuss, but my true friends were revealed. You will make new friends - go to pregnancy clubs if you can and go to baby clubs post birth.

wish you all the best x

I suffered terribly with infertility and miscarriages and ectopics and failed IVF I was still there for all my friends through thick and thin and all their pregnancies. But I definitely found that I was in the minority and lots of women I knew going through the same encouraged each other to cut off their friends who got pregnant when they were struggling to do the same. I wouldn’t have wished my experience on anyone not even my worst enemy but there is a very modern trend that encourages putting yourself first above all things and going low/no contact. Funnily enough those women that cut their friends off when they did eventually get a happy ending popped right back up and expected everyone to fawn all over them

That’s shocking.
I wonder how many ‘friends’ welcomed them back …

The second friend I have some sympathy for and I think giving her some space to process is the right thing. She should come around eventually. I can see she might have wanted children and has tried to make peace with it all but it’s so hard. Not everyone who has a loss is happy for others to begin with when they are first told.

First friend just sounds like a loon and jealous!

Firstly, congratulations OP! If I was your friend I'd be happy for you and supporting you.

Secondly, I wouldn't even bother with either of them now. Don't even tell them once you've given birth. Let them find out themselves through either social media or others. Guarantee they'll want baby cuddles though once baby is here. Which I wouldn't allow them to!

Why did you offer to fully pay? Is that typical of you in your friendships with these two? Because it's a very unbalance response to the situation (I think a PP called your response "bonkers" and she's not wrong) and I wonder if you've, effectively been buying their "friendship" by bending over backwards for them and not expecting anything from them? Now you're the "needy" one (not that being pregnant is needy, but they will realise they ought to be giving you a bit of attention and consideration over it) they are backing off as don't see the point if you aren't going to be providing for them any more.

You haven't given much detail about your relationships with them, so this is a stretch that could well not be true, but does it seem like it might fit?

Funnily enough those women that cut their friends off when they did eventually get a happy ending popped right back up and expected everyone to fawn all over them

Yes, I have noticed this too. As soon as they got pregnant, they wanted everyone they ignored for months on end to run right back and gush over them. You can't just pick people up and down like that when it suits you. I also noticed that they werent particularly sensitive to other people struggling to conceive when they finally got what they wanted which I found quite bizarre

Noticeable from this thread that some people really seem to relish putting the boot in to those struggling with infertility. I agree that the OP”s friends have not behaved well but some of the general comments on here are shocking.

I dont think infertility is a reason to treat people like shit, no.

Hi OP

absolutely NO excuse to be vile to a friend who is pregnant.

very similar thing happened to me. For context I have medical issues that meant I’ve had recurrent miscarriages and for clarity just because of this it is no right whatsoever to treat pregnant friends like shit.

First ‘friend’ was vile to me when I told her I was pregnant. She gave me the silent treatment and said I should get an abortion because I’d said years before I didn’t want kids. I dumped her because I saw the bigger picture it wasn’t just because of this one incident she was pretty toxic and there was a pattern emerging of her picking on one person in our friendship group. We all realised this and dumped her.

second friend has infertility issues and I was so so cautious and understanding but it didn’t help she started to slag me off to mutual friends and say I insane things about me! I was always so lovely to her but she blocked me on everything we never had a falling out it was hurtful

trust me as the pregnancy goes on you will not want anything to do with them. I would not bother reaching out to either of them just leave it and don’t consider them friends

Why??????? You mean you were literally upset that another woman was pregnant? Or that she “stole your thunder” with announcing first or something?

either way you sound ridiculously self absorbed.

@Grammarninjai think you also sound very odd - who the heck plans their family around when their “bestie” is having a baby? That is stuff you talk about when you’re 12, not grown women!

Yeah maybe your friend wasn’t the best towards your wedding, but she’s quite right to start her family when it suits her/them and not wait around for you to having matching baby besties 🤣 that’s insane.

Ditch them both OP, they’re not your friends.

Print this entire thread off, post it to them then block them on everything. Congratulations on the pregnancy news! How exciting!! Good luck with it all. Mine are grown up now but if I remember correctly you are about to enter a few weeks of incredible tiredness. Its such an exciting time of "firsts". Try and join any expectant mothers'/ante natal groups near you and make some new friends xx

With friends like those etc etc

Aww Congratulations on your pregnancy thats great.
Your friends dont deserve you at all and you are better off without them. That said I may give them a little breathing space and I would expect them to realise what bitches they were and come apologising. Its just so sad that they have both treated you the same way. You should be able to celebrate being pregnant with your friends, not be made to feel guilty and what the one friend said about having a miscarriage was quite nasty actually. All the best

They sound so bitter. I had a friend who was pregnant at the same time as me but she sadly lost her baby at 22 weeks. It was so difficult to navigate through the rest of the pregnancy as a result BUT she also recognised that my DS was a rainbow baby and that I’d had two miscarriages at 12 weeks directly before him, so in ways I think that helped her feel a bit less sensitive if that makes sense. She met DS a couple of times when he was born but I could tell it was a lot for her and our friendship really suffered. We don’t talk now, I don’t believe she’s had a child yet either.

I think your friends are really weird tbh. One has presumably never experienced infertility or loss so is just irritated you’re pregnant before she’s even TTC?! And as awful as ectopic pregnancies are, it was 17 fucking years ago and they also usually end within the first few weeks so it wasn’t a late loss… I’ve had losses and know how painful they are but you do move on, it’s been 8 years for me and I don’t often think about it.

Wow. Forget them and move on. Congratulations💐