Despise parenting my 3 year old, I hate my life

[Bessap]

Single parent to ds 3. Sees his dad a couple of times over most weekends but never overnight. Ex’s choice. He pays me a decent amount more than cms and seems to think that means it’s ok. I’ve explained it’s not but there will be no change there.

I work full time in a demanding career, I have some financial perks to this which is why I’ve stuck with it. I have lots of flexibility which frankly if I didn’t have I would be jobless as I actually couldn’t cope.

DS was a chilled baby. Ex did nothing since day one and I found it all relatively easy.

Since he turned 3 everything is just shit. I can’t even list it all here and I’m exhausted too so this or any doesn’t make sense. At least five of these things will happen every day… He won’t get dressed, won’t get undressed, won’t have the car seat straps on, won’t like the food I’ve got, hits me if he’s angry, screaming if he wants something or doesn’t get something immediately, shouting I’ve hurt him when I’m literally just lifting him into the car when he doesn’t want to get in. taking socks and shoes off on way to nursery, not wanting to go into nursery sometimes so there’s a huge drama at the car… the list is honestly endless.

i am sure it’s all just normal toddler stuff and I’m about two days to my period so I’m probably feeling shit anyway… but honestly what the fuck are you supposed to do in these situations? Yesterday from the moment I got him up to when I put him to bed it was endless misery. I was relieved to be at work before the moaning and misery started again.

I hate it so much. I’ve tried making things into games or negotiating, I even cried in front of him yesterday which did actually make him stop screaming at me but obviously I don’t want him seeing me crying.

I try so hard, but I am starting to think I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I do try. I am always thinking of nice places to take him, meeting other mum friends so he can play with other children, I always ensure he says please and thank you and I try to teach him to be kind to others. I feel like I give him lots of choices and he does watch tv but limited. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know where the fuck I have gone wrong but things have really descended into shit since he turned 3. When he’s angry he also looks at me like he hates me. I tell him I love him all the time and talk about things he will enjoy doing. Every moment of my days off is spent with him doing things for him. It is all just stress though. My nervous system is shot to pieces, when I get into bed I can barely wind down until maybe an hour or so later.

I am so unhappy.

It will get better x

@Yolo12345 maybe but I feel like our relationship is ruined by this, I hate being around him and he looks at me like he hates me most of the time!

Oh you poor thing. This stage is incredibly hard even without the demands of a full time job on top of it and doing it all yourself. You're doing a great job to be holding it all together. Even if you don't feel like it, you are.

You can tell from your post you're a good and loving mum. Just keep pushing through and each week will be a bit easier than the last until you've a proper wee pal instead of a terrorist beside you.

@MumOryLane thanks, I am worried our relationship is damaged now. He really looks at me like he hates me. I’ve shouted at him loads. I wanted to be the best mum I could be but I’m failing all the time. I keep saying to myself I need to be more patient in the morning and then morning comes and some other bat shit move happens that I didn’t anticipate and I just despair

It will pass, it's a development phase and the reason he kicks off with you more than anyone else is because you are safe and consistent and loving. He is still learning to regulate and understand his feelings and he feels safe enough with you to let them all out.
The behaviours are a lot around attention seeking and partly about autonomy - some things you can just roll with (clothing is one - just take him in PJ's and bring clothes for example) others not - like the car seat. It's very much a case of pick your battles. Incentives/bribes for peaceful car journeys for example. DD could be bought with raisins for a while but eventually cottoned on that buttons were better...
As a single parent it's especially hard and it sounds like you're doing a pretty decent job all round.

I'm so sorry. You sound like a great mum and some of why you are struggling so much is because you are putting yourself last and leaving nothing for you. If you don't have family who could help with childcare or a sleepover then it's honestly fine if he watches a bit more tv so that you can sit down for 10 minutes and have a cup of tea! At that age just being with you is as important as anything else, you don't have to fill every minute with an improving activity. It might be normal toddler behaviour, it might be that he lets go like this with you because he knows that you love him unconditionally and he can? Or it could be that there are some unexpressed feelings about not having his dad around? I wonder if it's worth looking into play therapy or something like that? Also might be worth having a look at gingerbread, the charity that supports single parents. But please don't add guilt to your mental load. You are doing your best and working twice as hard as most people. Be kind to yourself and cut both of you a bit of slack. If you sit together on the sofa watching a film on Netflix, that's still quality time.

If you’re working full time he probably misses you. That’s not me bashing you btw - I also work full time. I just mean from his 3yo POV he probably feels like he doesn’t see you a lot and when he does it’s things he assumes are bad (getting dressed, car seat straps etc.)

Have you spoken to nursery to find out what his behaviour in there is like?

It will get better .My son is 9 all this passed by about 4 and a half x

Instead of all the doing, might some chilling help?

Also people talk of the terrible twos but I remember the frightful frees. They are still imprinted on my memory and he's 31.

Does his father have different boundaries so the wee lad is cinfused about expectations?

I'll be flamed for this but at three I introduced the sweetie jar. 4/5 sweets after tea. If he was naughty, no sweets (you have to follow through). It was just something tiny that could be taken away. For us it worked.

Finally, is nursery a good fit. Is he happy there?

Try distracting him with tv while you get him dressed. Bribe him with a half biscuit when it’s time to get dressed/get in car seat and the other half when completed. Promise him ice cream when he get home if he stops screaming. This is just a phase and it will pass. They only fully unleash on the people they trust the most. x

In nursery they generally say he’s fine and he’s got a few friends who I meet with their parents at weekends so I assume he’s making proper friends (as much as 3 year olds do).

@FantasiaTurquoise i hadn’t thought about the dad thing simply because ex has never lived with us so I thought for ds it was just normal? He sees his dad frequently though, even though it’s not overnight. Do you really think it could be that even though his life has always been this way?

He doesn't hate you!! DS was like this (I was a lone parent) and is now an adult. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself it's a phase and to just ride it out. Try not to react so much, i know its hard, but itll just make him worse. He needs to feel you are the grown up and wont be affected by his behaviour. Some things are non negotiable (eg car straps) but choose your battles where you can.
Adult ds is so chilled out btw, I'd say toddler was the most.difficult stage with him. You'll look back one day too....it won't last forever!

I also often have to wrestle nappy, clothes, face wash, car strap with an upset, tired little boy in the morning. I just do it as quickly as I can to limit the distress on both of us. I don't enjoy it but I'm less burnt out than what you sound so it's easier to not take it as personal or be reactive etc.
The lack of time outside of housework, work and parenting is a killer so that's what I'd focus on. Do you have any options like a parent or sibling that can give you a break? Or someone mentioned Gingerbread? Or if you can face it, tell Dad it's ridiculous to only be taking him a couple of hours a week and from x date, when he collects him, he needs to keep him to the following morning. And you be out at drop off time with your phone on silent. I know that's easier said than done but what's happening isn't a deficit from you but a symptom of dad not doing a fair share.

Two things stood out to me from your OP - he complains about not wanting to go to nursery, and you've split up with his Dad, so that's presumably a big change for him?

To be honest he doesn't sound very happy. My 3 yo goes to a lovely childminder (not a nursery) but they cheer every morning they go and beg me to go there on weekends (which is a bit embarrassing, but they miss their friends there). Do you think exploring another setting might help?

All behaviour is communication and id wonder if he's struggling with the emotions of his family splitting up and also maybe having an unhappy time at nursery (not all childcare is a nice place to be) and not being able to express it to you very well.

Personally I'd look around some other childcare settings and maybe get him to explore some/see if he prefers any others. I found childminders and nanny shares better than nurseries personally.

Also once he's feeling happier, you'll be happier too and everything will calm down again.

Between the age of 2.5 and 3.5 years my child was in a bad mood for a whole year! Total negativity. The only thing to do when you are walking in hell is to keep on going(Winston Churchill I think) Your son doesn't hate you. One thing, don't give him too many choices. You probably don't want to hear this but my child is groen up now and we have a brilliant relationship. Usually things will start improving pre school. It will get better.

I also think he may miss you…
instead of meeting other Mum friends can you pack a picnic and drive somewhere remote and spend time just the 2 of you for a day? Saves money and tires him out.
Also, maybe give no choice for a while and when you reintroduce limit voice to 2, gradually increase to 3.
Don’t negotiate the non negotiables- he HAS to go to bed or he is too tired for next day. So just do story downstairs then scoop him up and change him and put him to bed. Sit on the stairs and return him to bed each time he gets up. He will tantrum initially but after a few days he will start to form a new habit.
sometimes think that age is like puppies, racing a head to learn everything, totally unaware of risk and consequences and if they are given choice get agitated be cause they want them ALL.
it will get easier and the mummy- son bond is always there.

He probably does miss you and might be spending too much time at nursery. He’s only 3. And he has a father he would probably like to see more of too. He’s clearly unhappy with the status quo.

I wondered if things had changed for him. But if not, then no. Parenting a toddler is hard, especially without someone to share the load with. There were so many times when I could at least laugh about it afterwards with my husband, or have a bit of a break if I was at the end of my tether, and you can't do that. If it makes your life easier to give the odd bribe, or have the odd chilling session together, then do it. He just wants to be with you, it doesn't matter what you're doing

Wow way to guilt trip the OP @LoftyAmberLion - is she not supposed as a single mother to work to put a roof over their heads and put food on the table?

OP 3/4 is a tough age, in my humble opinion, kids need love and attention but if they cross the line in terms of behaviour then either they are tired/hungry or they need to have a gentle timeout and to be told when their behaviour isnt acceptable.

I feel for you I’m in your shoes with a three year old too. What helps me is finding time
to really connect and play for a few mims
mornigns an evening. It doesn’t stop
the tantrums but helps us feel more connected and enjoy each other in spite of them.

Ps I literally blow dry my son to sleep in my bed cuddling me
then plonk him
int his own bed

I promise it does get better, I look at my oldest and often wonder how that feral toddler grew up to be so kind! I’m now back in toddlerhood again and have to keep reminding myself that these days seem like forever but they do go by so fast!

For the carseat, the besafe clip has been a godsend for my youngest x

Ohhh, I feel ya. 🩷
My oldest is now almost 4 1/2. For us, 2 1/2-4 were the worst. I think my parenting really took a nose dive, too, cause it all just wore me down so much.
Best thing I heard: they're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time.
I listen to parenting podcasts, too, and it helps me cope.

Oh sweetheart. You haven’t. And he doesn’t! It’s a difficult phase. This won’t last forever. Which doesn’t stop it being shit now!

Don't stress over getting him dressed in the morning, pack his clothes in a bag, and take him to nursery in his pyjamas, although in my DS's case it was only to the end of the drive before he insisted on getting dressed.
You might want to allow a little extra time.