Despise parenting my 3 year old, I hate my life

[Bessap]

Single parent to ds 3. Sees his dad a couple of times over most weekends but never overnight. Ex’s choice. He pays me a decent amount more than cms and seems to think that means it’s ok. I’ve explained it’s not but there will be no change there.

I work full time in a demanding career, I have some financial perks to this which is why I’ve stuck with it. I have lots of flexibility which frankly if I didn’t have I would be jobless as I actually couldn’t cope.

DS was a chilled baby. Ex did nothing since day one and I found it all relatively easy.

Since he turned 3 everything is just shit. I can’t even list it all here and I’m exhausted too so this or any doesn’t make sense. At least five of these things will happen every day… He won’t get dressed, won’t get undressed, won’t have the car seat straps on, won’t like the food I’ve got, hits me if he’s angry, screaming if he wants something or doesn’t get something immediately, shouting I’ve hurt him when I’m literally just lifting him into the car when he doesn’t want to get in. taking socks and shoes off on way to nursery, not wanting to go into nursery sometimes so there’s a huge drama at the car… the list is honestly endless.

i am sure it’s all just normal toddler stuff and I’m about two days to my period so I’m probably feeling shit anyway… but honestly what the fuck are you supposed to do in these situations? Yesterday from the moment I got him up to when I put him to bed it was endless misery. I was relieved to be at work before the moaning and misery started again.

I hate it so much. I’ve tried making things into games or negotiating, I even cried in front of him yesterday which did actually make him stop screaming at me but obviously I don’t want him seeing me crying.

I try so hard, but I am starting to think I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I do try. I am always thinking of nice places to take him, meeting other mum friends so he can play with other children, I always ensure he says please and thank you and I try to teach him to be kind to others. I feel like I give him lots of choices and he does watch tv but limited. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know where the fuck I have gone wrong but things have really descended into shit since he turned 3. When he’s angry he also looks at me like he hates me. I tell him I love him all the time and talk about things he will enjoy doing. Every moment of my days off is spent with him doing things for him. It is all just stress though. My nervous system is shot to pieces, when I get into bed I can barely wind down until maybe an hour or so later.

I am so unhappy.

Accept that you hate it right now. It is perfectly OK to acknowledge to yourself that its a fucking dumpster fire and that you are NOT terrible for feeling this way. Don't fight it.

Just say its OK to feel this way and make some small adjustments to give yourself breathing room.

1. Get a sitter for a few hours and go for a walk/haircut/sleep
2. When you feel despair just talk to it. Sounds batshit mad but I say things like - fucking hell despair, I know you are trying to wind me up about the shoes/food but you aren't helping right now, so can we chat later.

Mostly just KNOW there is not a mother on the planet who hasn't felt like this at some point during their child's life. You are doing an amazing job.

Also, I promise that before you know it, your little mate will be all dressed up in his school uniform, cute as anything and the days of tantrums and shoe throwing will have passed.

🌻💐🌻

3 can be such a hard age! And it sounds like you've got so much going on. It will get better, and your relationship with him will be just fine.

No. What he is learning is that no matter how tricky it is, you keep coming back. He can make you cry but you'll still love him at the end of the day, still cut up his little carrots and wash his hair. This is an extremely powerful message and one that will ground his entire life, as he knows he is unconditionally loved. He isn't learning that from his dad, either, is he. They do this as a developmental stage: it's why they're called threenagers. Then you get to repeat the process when they're 13.

When mine were going through phases like this, it helped me to remember that this behaviour is developmentally normal. It does not mean that he hates you or that your relationship with him is damaged long term. He's just pushing boundaries because that's what three year olds do.

Have you read How to Listen so Kids will Talk and Talk so Jids will Listen? Some good tips.

Hang in there OP. It will get better I promise.

What do you expect the OP to do?

Give up work so her son doesn’t have to go to nursery?

Or spontaneously drop her son at his father’s who clearly doesn’t give a shit about him?

you mentioned work has some financial perks, are you in a possible financial position / is it worth your sanity to get someone else to do the morning routine?

I know lovely nanny I use does a lot of mornings for few different families when need her, also have a toddler. Also been in tears this morning without being able to do the patient re direction techniques because I had nothing left to give to be quite frank. It’s been a blessing to have her wake her up and do the morning routine and out the door. I leave quietly while she’s busy with her, a lot calmer on these days. And our evenings have resulted in being much better. Because she’s on her better behaviour with this lady. It’s apparently the fact they let it all out on their main care giver because they feel most comfortable to do that. Add needing to rush out a door, and they’re wanting to do what toddlers do when they’re not in a yes mood.

is it worth an idea?

OP, it is such a hard stage! I'm also a single parent and have 100% care of my child so get the full force of the tantrums, mood swings, refusals to comply. I tend to go a bit silent rather than shouty though, stepping away for a few minutes, and then a quick ninja move to get that coat on, or shoes or whatever the issue is etc (on repeat about 20 times a day) or I do the half a biscuit bribe thing mentioned above. All my rewards are tiny (e.g. watching a 3 minute song on Youtube, a cracker, a bite of cake) but they get me through the day.

My ds is almost 3 and had the most astonishing 30 min tantrum yesterday, I was completely winded by it. He wouldn't let me comfort him, was hitting out and bawling for 30 minutes. Nothing worked. Eventually I just sat quietly next to him trying to compose myself until he stopped. Then we went out and I bought cake and coffee to comfort myself (he was napping). I can see this happening more often.

One thing to mention is that I know my dc wants lots of attention and needs constant stimulation which I can't always provide (I work too). He loves being out of the house. If I get my housework/ cooking done when he is asleep, I can be present with him and he is much better. He really craves attention even though I think he gets lots - yours might be doing the same.

He absolutely doesn't hate you. He hates the fact that he has big feelings he can't control or communicate. You are doing your best for him. As others say, this is a phase which doesn't last forever and he will keep changing.

My son is going through the same stage right now and it is brutal. I think it’s been happening since returning after Xmas and also we have a three month old, so there are some big shifts.

But his meltdowns sound so similar to your sons. This week has been a bit batter so I feel a bit more robust.

I’ve found that giving him some space to calm
on his own helps, distract like crazy - suddenly turning silly or turning a task into a game. Star chart helps too, with choc buttons or mini marshmallows. He gets 3/4 at the end of the day if he’s had a good day.

Three year olds are brutal but know that you’re not alone. I’ve got a book called No Bad Kids which is good and I listened to a good podcast by Dr Becky the other day too

Honestly, sticker chart.
I bought one off Amazon when my DD was 3, it was like a whiteboard/magnetic one and she had to earn X number of stars a week to get a “prize”.
Reward based positive reinforcement worked so much better for her than threats or punishment (time out etc.)
And I would put on the most excited voice when she won a star and it made her feel excited.
I’d find a “getting dressed/brushing teeth” song on YouTube and use that as “quick we have to get dressed before the end of the song for your star” and make it really fun like a race.
3 year olds fucking love it.
Make it really easy the first week for him to win the “prize” so he sees the benefits of getting those stars.

Good luck OP, it’s so hard doing it on your own (I did too). I promise you he loves and adores you, that’s why he’s comfortable enough to terrorise you 🥲

https://amzn.eu/d/022A2NVS

My eldest could be really hardwork at this age. I felt worn down and then guilty as I was shouty and stressed mum.

I promise you that it does get better. He's 13 now and the best company - funny, kind, loving and helpful.

@Bessap for the shouting (which we all do!!) they say the most important part is ‘repairing’ afterwards. So if he’s pushed all your buttons and you’re on your 5th conflict by 7.30am and you shout “will you just GET IN THE CAR SEAT” then when you’re driving along and you’ve had 2 minutes to breathe you can say “DS, mommy is sorry she shouted. I needed to put you in your car seat so you were safe and because mommy needs to go to work so I got frustrated. I love you very much”
that names the emotion for him, and helps to repair the relationship. Apologising to children, but explaining why you reacted the way you did is meant to be very beneficial.

also pick your battles - shows and socks off in the car? We have the same so he doesn’t have them on until we get there/if he takes them off so what.

inalso work full time (though do have DH so not your level of self responsibility) and sometimes I think my head will explode. We we are 2.5 and everything is a battle of “I do it” (but doesnt) or total refusal. I either bribe (the vitamin d gummies are good for this as a ‘sweetie’ to get in the car each morning), give two choices plus a 1,2,3 countdown or force him physically depending on the needs in that moment.
things to remember:

1. their tantrum is usually temporary. It’s horrible seeing them upset but it’s frustration more than a particular sadness/a ruined relationship. I was letting DS rule the roost for a while and he was just getting more and more unhappy because he had no idea what his boundaries were. Now I can see he has tantrums but if I hold the line he switches back to okay much quicker.
2. he won’t remember any of this. If you cuddle and kiss and read to him and tell you how much you love him. You’re all good. He needs stability and reassurance which it sounds like you’re giving him
3. ignore the people saying he’s in nursery too much. You need to work and you have a right to work. If he’s not misbehaving there and is playing with the other children i wouldn’t move him
4. i would slow down the weekends. I hate being stuck at home with my toddler, but I’ve found a real positive incline in behaviour when we’ve had a slow weekend together baking and pottering compared to action packed in and out of the house. I came to the conclusion he actually really loves being at home and playing with his toys and by dragging him out when he was away all week at nursery he was feeling sad about it. Worth a try.

I was standing with my mum while a friend was basically falling apart describing to her almost verbatim her two-year-old’s travails every day.
Mum said, “He’s entered into his Terrible Twos. It ends when they’re about 19,” and she turned and looked at me.
I was 20.
Buckle up, @Bessap
You’re in for the ride of your life with your ride or die baby boy.
In 10, 20 years you’ll wonder how quickly the time got away from you, although I know right now I know that doesn’t help at all.
Maybe keep a journal - write, or scream away every frustration, every last nerve, every 1000 NOs you had to say that day, but write that in black ink.
Write the good things in red ink - the kisses, every time he’s a good little boy, his favorite thing to eat, your adventures, what he looks like while he’s sleeping, stuff like that.
I hope things get better, easier for you.
Sending love from faraway ❤️

This is what l was thinking. Use some of the money from his Dad to pay someone to take some of the load. You cannot do it all. Nanny's usually manage these stressful times in an orderly way as they are not the main care giver so the child senses they mean business. You genuinely sound like a wonderful mum but trying to do everything by yourself every morning before heading into a demanding day and back for more is soul destroying. Do less activities with him at this time and pay someone to do the morning routine while you bang the door and head to work. Its only for a short whole until this stage passes. Kids sense when you are in a hurry and pull out all the guns to slow you down. Mind yourself.

Oh bless you - it’s such a tricky age. They’re discovering that they’re separate from us and start asserting their independence, which can come as a shock when they’ve always been so biddable before.
I used to be a nanny and I’ve also had three children of my own, so have gone through this quite a few times. One strategy we were taught is to give two choices, so for instance, ‘Do you want to wear blue shorts or red ones today?’, ‘Banana or apple?’. For the shoes and socks you could try asking if he wants to put them on before he gets to nursery or when he gets there. Does he want to be carried into nursery or does he want to walk?
This gives him some control over the decisions, but also means that you get the desired result of him getting dressed, eating, in car etc.
It doesn’t always work, but I found it did make things easier and less confrontational. I remember getting a quizzical side eye sometimes when they knew they’d been hoodwinked!
It will pass, but it’s so tough when you’re in the midst of it all. As others have said, you’re his safe human and they always hit out at the people they feel safest with.

When my son was this age, we had to take his teletubbie everywhere, and used to strap it in, it made life a bit easier, does your son have a favourite teddy? you could try doing the same, I used to say to my son “look teletubbie (i can’t remember his name the purple one), is sitting really nicely it kind of worked.

But these years won’t last, try and make the most of them as he will be 28 before you know it.
wishing you well.

Sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. When my turned 3, oh my it was hard. It’s normal and no one really talks about it.

also the dad thing will be an issue he can’t express. Mine misses her dad all the time.

That's where your going wrong it's not games or fun it's things that need done regardless so you need to be a parent and say this is what we are doing let's do it and time out for screaming. Our youngest twins are 3 and then all they way to 16 and always been clear this is what we do this is how we do it, the fun and games will happen once it's done so luckily had no problems

His behaviour sounds normal to me, mine were also very difficult at this stage. My daughter had so many tantrums my MIL suggested she was possessed! My son was such a brat that friends stopped inviting us to their houses (they admitted later they found his behaviour so challenging).

They are both lovely adults now and we have a good relationship. I used to resent the phrase "terrible 2s" as for me it was terrible 2s, 3s & 4s.

Your situation is more challenging than mine was as I had a supportive husband. Nevertheless, it was stressful. I just wanted to reassure you - it passes. Your relationship is a tough one right now but it isn't ruined.

I vividly remember a fellow mum saying bitterly ' We didn't get the terrible twos but we're definitely getting the fucking threes!'
It'll pass. You're doing brilliantly. Most parents struggle at this stage with both of them involved.

3 years old DS felt unmanagable and I honestly felt like I had ruined my life (as much as I loved him). Just hang in there, it gets better. It’s a tricky age and it will pass.

Random suggestions (I have two kids and they both were at nursery aged 3 while I worked full time):
Both my kids had a tendency to get really exhausted from nursery at that age. Because they weren't in "baby mode - behave how you want to" anymore, but were trying to behave properly all day long, play nicely with friends, 'please and thank you' as you mentionned, and they were worn out. What helped was -
to take them straight home from nursery and have no expectations at home whatsoever. Just free play, cuddles, no choices about 'what they want for dinner', some TV, some stories...and at bed time I lay down next to them until they fell asleep.
Mornings I woke them up earlier than was needed, by about half an hour, to give them time to start the day slowly, so that it wasnt "go go go".
Finally, when your ex has him, thats time for You! Dont use it to catch up on chores...
It'll get better!

3 was the worst year for DD as well! Waaaay worse than 2…but 4 was better and now she’s 5 she can basically take care of herself…with the odd screaming match thrown in obvs! But that doesnt help at all when you are in the trenches… i wish you good luck!

Welcome to having a threenager!!

So, little things can help - get him to choose his own clothes. Gives him autonomy and responsibility and he's likely to do it. Give him a choice of food- would you like such and such one such or such? Do you want to try putting your car seat straps on or would you like me to do it? What is the first thing you would like to do at nursery today?

Turn it into him choosing and you take away the fight against authority. The key is to give choices that get you your end result.

I hope that's helpful. And it's only for a short time. Good luck!

Have you tried a reward chart for the takings you are struggling with - getting dressed nicely etc? Might be worth a try if not. ^^