Despise parenting my 3 year old, I hate my life

[Bessap]

Single parent to ds 3. Sees his dad a couple of times over most weekends but never overnight. Ex’s choice. He pays me a decent amount more than cms and seems to think that means it’s ok. I’ve explained it’s not but there will be no change there.

I work full time in a demanding career, I have some financial perks to this which is why I’ve stuck with it. I have lots of flexibility which frankly if I didn’t have I would be jobless as I actually couldn’t cope.

DS was a chilled baby. Ex did nothing since day one and I found it all relatively easy.

Since he turned 3 everything is just shit. I can’t even list it all here and I’m exhausted too so this or any doesn’t make sense. At least five of these things will happen every day… He won’t get dressed, won’t get undressed, won’t have the car seat straps on, won’t like the food I’ve got, hits me if he’s angry, screaming if he wants something or doesn’t get something immediately, shouting I’ve hurt him when I’m literally just lifting him into the car when he doesn’t want to get in. taking socks and shoes off on way to nursery, not wanting to go into nursery sometimes so there’s a huge drama at the car… the list is honestly endless.

i am sure it’s all just normal toddler stuff and I’m about two days to my period so I’m probably feeling shit anyway… but honestly what the fuck are you supposed to do in these situations? Yesterday from the moment I got him up to when I put him to bed it was endless misery. I was relieved to be at work before the moaning and misery started again.

I hate it so much. I’ve tried making things into games or negotiating, I even cried in front of him yesterday which did actually make him stop screaming at me but obviously I don’t want him seeing me crying.

I try so hard, but I am starting to think I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I do try. I am always thinking of nice places to take him, meeting other mum friends so he can play with other children, I always ensure he says please and thank you and I try to teach him to be kind to others. I feel like I give him lots of choices and he does watch tv but limited. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know where the fuck I have gone wrong but things have really descended into shit since he turned 3. When he’s angry he also looks at me like he hates me. I tell him I love him all the time and talk about things he will enjoy doing. Every moment of my days off is spent with him doing things for him. It is all just stress though. My nervous system is shot to pieces, when I get into bed I can barely wind down until maybe an hour or so later.

I am so unhappy.

3 was a challenge here. More so than 2, the tantrums were of a different nature.

My experience is that you really have to use discipline at 3 in a way that you didn't at 2. Not disciplining tantrums of course, which the can't help and are at this age an overwhelm of feeling. Hunger, thirst and needing the toilet could also be big influening factors I found. But at this age they can also fake a tantrum to get what they want, especially if sometimes it works, speaking from my experience of struggling with discipline here. No must mean no and you can take them out of situations for bad behaviour.

I think it's quite likely as another poster said that he is acting out more to get a lot of your attention. This isn't a criticism at all because you presumeably must work full time as a single parent and you are absolutely doing your best by him. He's at nursery full time and with his dad twice at weekends, then you're also fitting seeing other people with kids as well, which is really good of course. I would imagine your also frazzled from full time work at the weekend too. This is not meant as criticism but just an observation, perhaps he needs more quiet time with you one on one?

For what it's worth most of the tantrums were magically gone with mine when he turned 4. Disagreeing and being difficult/willfull at times are definitely still present at 5 though!

It’s such a hard phase. How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen really helped me. Lots of picture scenarios so easy to refer to in middle of tantrum to remind myself what might help.

He's 3. They're all like Attila the hun at 3. It's relentless slog. Like this little ball.of pure fury at being little and not having much control.

I used to walk the legs off my 3 yr olds to tire them out. Yes it took ages but it worked. Especially if there were puddles.

I work FT (big tech so flexible but demanding) and have a 3 and 2 yo.
I have a decent dh who does his share

Its very very demanding.
I tip my hat to you and want to say even by your own description you are doing a great job!

I'll be completely honest I think this is (totally frustrating) but normal behaviour and not related to his dad.
My dd is v strong willed.
I was fine / coping with it up until now (nearly 4) but recently I am struggling.

More and more interactions are battles and "unfun".

I do say in my head "they're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time". A lot!

Clothes - say want to pick what youe wear? If he isnt into it stick some in a bag and drop them off at nursery.

For the car I use 'would you like a treat when you get home, then get in" (they get a small snack anyway I make it vaguely more interesting)
I also keep family bag of chocolate buttons for mini bribes (eg refusing to go to toilet before we leave, refusing to get in car)

I let her 'choose" the bribe...sometimes shes still crying but wants the button! Then its over.

I also think 30mins of cbeebies cartoons with a storyline to decompress wont do any harm

That said his dad isn't being fair.. he needs to.tale.a turn so you get a break for a bit.

Wanted to add again that the days that ds goes to aftershool club are the hardest. We get back at 6 and just have to do dinner bath bed quickly, but he is desperate for quality time and wants to do crafts or whatever, which there is not time for or he'll go to bed too late and not be able to get up in the morning. It's the most tense time in our household.

I think if you're going to get dad to do over nights he needs to pick up one in the week too. It's not fair you to have to always deal with that. If he takes your weekend nights, you're doing the donkey work of parenting and he gets to do the nice long bed times with no pressure.

Three year olds can be foul little beasts, OP. Especially when you need to do something that's important to you but not to them - like get to work, not develop frostbite on the toes on the way to school, actually eat something that isn't 98% sugar, not set themselves on fire or fall out of a first floor window...

You're doing great. And over the next few months as he approaches school age, you'll see in between raging at the very concept of socks, he's becoming more engaged with the world and his level of understanding is increasing hugely. He's becoming a little person instead of a ball of unreasonableness baby.

I always found a no choice-choice worked better for mine, so if they didn't want to get dressed, giving them a choice of t shirts was an absolute disaster - but 'you're not putting that t-shirt on? OK, that's alright, you can wear pyjamas to <childminder> and get changed there, then, no problem' generally got her putting her clothes on - and 'please don't take your socks off, you'll get cold toes', 'come on, put your socks back on, stop kicking me, stop it - oh, OK, I'll have those', followed five minutes later by 'what's wrong? Oh, your toes are cold? Oh, dear - would you like your socks on now? There you go, warm toes!' worked pretty well.

I reminded myself regularly that around the 3-5 age range that they had roughly the intellectual ability of the average dog - and seeing as the majority of the rules I had for dogs consisted of not biting, not running off into traffic and not taking a dump on or eating the sofa, they weren't actually that much different in reality - the dog never argued about wearing his coat in the snow after one day, either.

If you haven’t smacked him when he’s hit you or pulled your hair, you’re doing better than I did with DS1 at that age, over twenty years ago.

DS2 was worse in terms of refusing to do things and was still in reins until almost 4 as he was a bolter. Things get a lot better by 4/5. You’re in the trenches right now.

Chill out over the clothes and shoes - I wish I had. Save your insistence for matters of safety - car seat straps. Give him lots of cuddles when he’s ok, and try to stay as calm as you can when he’s not. And remember that the gentle parenting mantra about never shouting at your DC is ridiculous. The occasional shouting certainly did my two no harm at all (now 25 and 18). They needed it. DC who are very challenging and forthright need it.

I think my generation of parents was less concerned about some shouting because we were smacked as kids, so it seemed an improvement on that.

My angel baby turned into a demon at 3! I didn’t experience the “terrible twos” but three was a nightmare. Two podcasts/parenting people that got me through and helped me roll with it and be less reactive were Janet Lansbury “Unruffled” and Dr Becky “Good Inside”. They both have websites with good info too. There’s no magic answer and there can still be rough and difficult days but they helped me step back a bit from the emotions and get through it. Age 4 and up was a lot easier. Hang on in there

@Tangwystl knows what she's talking about.

Three = BIG (complex) emotions but lack of ability to verbalise what they are feeling. Hence behaviour that looks like anger (frustration) and tantrums.

Three = A strong desire for autonomy. The problem with this is they lack the skills to actually do things without assistance. They want to make choices, (not putting shoes on, taking them off when they should be on their feet). Three year olds want to assert themselves, but at this stage, their brains aren't developed to be able to do it in a rational way. They don't have the verbal skills to articulate themselves, hence the moody, shouty, strops... See how we've looped back round to emotions?

Every interaction with a three year old can feel like going into battle, but I promise you, it does pass. Your relationship won't be permanently damaged and he does love you. You are his world. He needs you (despite his internal protest).

Are you in a position to take some annual leave while your son is at nursery? A few days off doing nothing can do the world of good for your soul.

It’s age and stage, I was a SAHM and we had constant battles so I wouldn’t blame nursery! Age 3 was the toughest age, not just tantrums but meltdowns of biblical proportions! Mortifying, especially in public! Life gets easier once they’re at school, it seems a long time away, however, the days are long but the years are short.

I can sympathise, I've always thought I'd be such a patient mum because I am in general steady and patient ... but being a mother showed me I just hadn't had my patience tested! For me it was more when he was younger, he's 2.5 now so I can manage most of his toddler behaviour but he's never slept through the night so I'm definitely a grumpier mum than I ever thought I'd be.

When my son is having a tricky day where its one tantrum after another, I found through experience that the more wound up and the more angry I get, the more he notices and it scales right up. Its dreadful when you spot their little faces looking at you with anger or confusion, but they're learning these feelings and expressions and will use them as they navigate their newfound individualism as they realise they have some agency and begin to experiment with it - to the detriment of our stability and peace!

Hang in there, don't let a tricky phase become so big in your mind that it'll colour your whole relationship. He'll change again as they all do, and you're doing a brilliant job working full time and being a lone parent essentially.

Hi @Bessap

im a completely single mum - no father in the scene and my DC graduated a top Uni last summer - it can work!
I also had a very demanding job and worked FT until they were 16.

You sound amazing and this is a tough time.

I'd strongly recommend the following two things:

1. Invest whatever you can afford in some practical help and support in the house - up your cleaner's hours, weekly shop delivered - anything you can do to give you free time and time to rest for you when child in bed.
2. PLAY with your son. Sunday morning or Sat don't schedule or rush, slow things down, get on the floor with his toys, bricks LEGO whatever he likes and ask him to show you his games. Do what he likes at HIS pace. YEs it can be boring. BUt what he wants is your time and attention and not to rush with no screens or phones.

I promise you the above will help. If I did this once a week, or even once a fortnight there would be a marked difference in DC's behaviour. Ask your EX does something like this too when he has your son.

when you get a break and he's with you ex - however short a time - do something nice and peaceful for you.

wishing you luck x

You sound like a great mum so give yourself a break. We used to constantly be out visiting places, having friends over etc. Last year we moved further away so not out with friends as often - my son loves having slow weekends building lego, baking and some days going no further than our village shop! Dont underestimate how exhausting full time nursery is for little kids downtime is important xx

A book I’d recommend is Hunt Gather Parent. The author went through similar with her child and the book explores how she improved their relationship. Mentions some specific examples you’ve talked about

Thank you so so so much for these replies! I haven’t read them all yet as I’m in the thick of breakfast with ds but a couple of things…

He is in nursery four days. One day a week he sees my parents and I either go to a cafe to work that day or work in one of their bedrooms. He is dropped off on nursery days around 9:15 and collected at 4:45. I work a couple of hours after he’s in bed to make up the work time.

I think I’ve tried to meet his friends on weekends ex isn’t around (every 3 weeks or so) to ensure ds has someone to play with. Me and him will then go to shops together just us too and we’ll chat a lot in the car or before dinner.

I expect he would like more time with me but I’m just one person and it’s very hard

I'm sorry you're struggling but they're all developmentally normal in his stage of life. He'll grow out of it. He's not doing this to upset you.

Bloody little monster.
My DD is now 18 - from 2 - 4 she was appalling I really thought about abandoning her several times. In every picture of her at that stage she is scowling. She was utterly determined and unreasonable - like a small, blonde dictator.

Yesterday she cleaned the house, unloaded the dishwasher and made me dinner. All unprompted, she is kind and incredibly fun to be around.
I’m just relieved I didn’t abandon her now.

Hang in there. Three year olds are arses. But it’s not too long until school and then things get a lot easier in my experience. You’re doing a great job.

It’s not consulting them about what to wear that day. That would be giving them too much choice and impossible.

it’s about giving them a choice between two items eg two tops to chose from, so they get dressed essentially in what you want them to wear, but thinking that they were in control of it.

if I let my kids choose outfits no doubt they’d be in swimming costumes or princess dress up 24/7. As I say, it’s about choices and control, but the parent is still really the one in control.

Hey OP I totally know what your going through - it pretty much sounds like what we deal with and my DS is 4. I feel like tiredness totally triggers his behaviour - he is constantly tired then has school. We have 100 meltdowns before school, doesn’t want to get undressed or dressed or brush teeth or go toilet etc etc etc. It is exhausting. We have had similar when he was 3.

For me I had a break when his DH was home but when I took him on holiday with my mum she said ‘I really don’t know how you deal with him on a daily basis’. I want to say it does get better - I am waiting for this myself but I have found as he is getting older it is becoming more manageable.

I have placements as part of my course where I am not picking him from school etc and I notice his behaviour worsens then. It can’t be helped but lots of praise and reward does help manage the behaviour.

Hope things go better for you and DS x

You sound like you are burnt out. Could you take some holiday or parental leave asap (or sick leave) and just go at a slower pace for a few weeks. Might just be his age and stage but if you are working full time and he’s going to his Dads a few times a week. Is he perhaps really tired which is impacting his behaviour or is it all a bit much for him, maybe if you had some time off you can really nurture him and just take your time with nursery drop offs etc and then he might feel more reassured. Also I realised although we are told to give them choices sometimes it makes things worse and is just easier when we say this is what we are doing/having/wearing etc. Sometimes they get overwhelmed with the choices and it doesn’t help the situation. Hope things get better soon and you feel better soon.

So sorry it’s a difficult phase. It’s not been one I’ve enjoyed either. My DS is the same age.

some things that work for us (might have to mix it up depending how he responds)

5 minute advance warning backed up by Alexa, I’m going to do X then you are going to get dressed 5 ok? Or a choice, do you want to get dressed first or shall I?

control over what to wear - I remove all unsuitable clothes for weather and give him free reign. This can really work for weeks, if he wants to wear a favourite outfit repeatedly it’s not a hill I die on, I wash it overnight and he wears it again, makes the morning so much easier.

Hitting, rare now but there was a certain time during a tantrum you could guarantee he’d lash out. We had a time out spot I’d walk away, breathe for a few minutes then go back and explain mummy was sad, it’s unkind to hit etc, This usually ended in a cuddle and he’d say sorry. There’s also been warning or taking something away until he can be kind.

I wound up looking into magnesium gummies, I take magnesium for sleep and mild anxiety( perimenopause) I wondered if they existed for kids and turns out they do. I’m sure he’s better on them than not, definitely sleep wise which then impacts his mood.

We found things that start the morning right, he loves a hot chocolate first thing. Sometimes TV helps sometimes it doesn’t, I can say 5 minutes of X then we need to get dressed, but I’m ready to turn it off if it doesn’t work. The next day then is we get dressed first then you can watch X.

Bond wise honestly there was a time I questioned things in the height of lashing out and refusal to do anything. We had a turning point when I took time off over holidays and I planned daily activities from building den with blankets to puddle hunting to Lego’s, puddles, shopping just little pockets of 121 fun time. It’s as though it helped us reconnect after a very difficult phase, suddenly he didn’t want to go to nursery he wanted to be home with me that was a shock.
I make sure now when we get in, he chooses a snack, we chat, play, go for a walk, he chooses.

Sorry it’s a long reply, I just remember feeling so lost for very similar reasons and wanted to share what worked for us I hope something helps.

I must admit choices have never worked here! The response to ‘do you want to wear your red coat or your blue one?’ would be ‘I don’t want to wear my coat, because I don’t want to go out!’ (Not phrased as articulately as that …)

Terrible 2s.. then threenager... then fucking fours.
It's a tough time, but it genuinely does get much better after that.

Kids are little emotional mirrors (than continues even longer!) and if you are struggling and frustrated, then I'm afraid he's going to reflect that back, and it becomes a huge spiral.

Can you take a day this weekend where you 'love bomb' him? Slow right down, and remove all requirements snd timescales. Ask him what he'd most like to do - you can tell him this is a special mum-and-son day. Only do meetups or outings if he actively asks for it, and instrad spend the day 1:1 doing whatever he wants with him: playing and connecting. If he wants to watch some TV that's fine - suggest snuggling up whilst you do it. Force yourself to really get into whatever his current favourite game is. And tell him how much you love spending time with him.

Ideally do it today, so that you can see if it's made a difference tomorrow. You can re-introduce your routine, but keep trying to connect. See if it changes his behaviour: and also makes it easier for you.

If it works, you can introduce doing an hour or 2 of 'special time' each weekend.